you can be my superman save me here i am

so as usual, most of my pharmacy classmates are burning the midnight oil studying everything and anything they can get their hands on, meanwhile, i'm sitting here like the procrastinator that i am writing in my blog. haha. today is my boyfriend's 21st birthday, he is so special, and wonderful, lol, and going to celebrate where every 21-year-old dreams of going for their birthday--the bar! joke .. =) but anyways, yeah, he really is at the bar while i'm here at home because i won't be old enough yet to join him for another -- 10.5 months. which is okay with me, i'm okay with the forced sobriety that i have to encounter due to being underage .. albeit just 1 year underage. i was complaining to my mom about it, about how i'm always too young to do anything and the last to do everything. and she was like, "why are you in such a rush to grow up?" and i thought, yeah, she's right .. why am i in a rush? sooner or later, it'll be time for me to make decisions and have to fend for myself and *gasp* pay bills and stuff! and have a real job! it is scary to finally encounter that stage in my life .. or at least, preparing to be in it. some young people say they want to do really stupid things before they grow up because they know that once the ripe age hits, you have to be an adult and you can't do those crazy things anymore.. this i find true but false at the same time, because for me, i don't want to be looking back on my youth and regret some of the stupid things i did. i already have regrets and i'm only 20 years old. i want to look back and be able to say that i was smart, that i wasn't a dumbass and made truly irrational decisions .. because in the end, if you don't decide now when you're young, when you get older, how will you know what's right? this is not to say that what my friends do is wrong, because it's not, a lot lot lot of my friends are really responsible. [heller, i'm in a class of anal-retentive people who feel that studying 24-7 is the only way to live. joke supersam! joke carissa! joke viv! joke phil, rich, and raj =)] but in all honesty, it really is hard to find that balance of fun and responsibility. like right now, it would be really really responsible of me to re-read all of my notes and finish re-writing my pathophysiology. but at the same time, it would be really really relaxing if i took a step back and write in my blog. true? exactly. i guess this is where my impatience comes in, i want to be able to have all of the freedom of making my own money and being able to go to the bar and stuff like that but i fail to see the amount of experience, hard work, and studying that has to get my ass there. sometimes when i really think about it, i think college is by far the most awkward period of my life. in grammar school, and even in high school, being so sheltered helped me to focus on my work, and i didn't have to change much, with the exception of coming out of my shell personality wise. but i knew i was incapable of supporting myself or having a career. by the end of college, people kind of expect you to do both. and hopefully, i'll be ready to do that. hopefully! but for now, i guess i just have to enjoy my year of being 20 .. even though i feel really young, whenever i look at my godchildren i always feel old .. because sooner or later i am going to have kids too.. oh snap! but for now, while i have the opportunity to successfully waste time and write in my blog about growing up and maturing, i might as well take it. haha. and i guess it really is time for me to do that whole studying thing .. damn, here i go, falling to the man. haha .. anyways, be easy ladies and gentlemen, and have a good night =)

special ♥ to charles because it is his 21st birthday .. i love you dear!

<3 to:
star; thank you so so much for the lovely comment! it really made my day when i read it =) i hope you have a great day!
bestfriend jackie; you are the B-E-S-T. thanks for letting me hopelessly call you 102938109238 times. you know you can organize with me anytime =)

does that make me crazy? possibly

when i was walking in school today i had the sudden urge to title a post with this and write something .. there have been too many emotions to count that have run through my body within a span of 4 days and i feel emotionally drained. i don't really know how to explain myself -- i've called about 4 different people about 4 different times each and each time i've cried enough tears to fill the nile river. i woke up with swollen eyes on saturday and my mom thought it was because i overslept. and i cry, sometimes not just because i am sad, but i cry because i am in love. sometimes i think i am a fool for crying so many tears, because my mom tells me to fight -- be strong, don't cry baby, you have to fight. but when i close my eyes they burn like a million suns. and when i open them it's like waterfalls. being in love was like being in pharmacy, i thought, it hurts so much but it's so worth it. i don't want to turn my back on it. and i think, i am going insane. but what is love without madness? what is love without pain? it's like, what is good without evil or sadness without joy? someone i love is hurting. and when someone i love is hurting, i hurt also. because all i want is for them to be happy. all i want is to take away the pain. i want to be like MYMP so "tell me where it hurts" and i'll do my best to make it better. and then when i can't do anything i feel helpless and sad because .. someone i love is still in pain. is still hurting. some people say it is not worth to be in something that continues to hurt because you are only causing yourself more pain. but i would cry a million more tears to know that someone still loves me. i would cry a million more tears to know that someone i love is going to be okay. mary says that i should be strong enough to let go, but i don't know if i am. because i am scared. i want to hold on so tight and never ever let go. instead, i want to hold on.. i want to hold on and fight for my love. i will not just turn around and let go. i will not give up on it. even though people are like, leave it up to chance. but chance doesn't always do anything. i want to fight for my love. i want to have a say in this matter. and then i feel like crying because again, i am in love. i am so scared to lose something so important to me. something that means a lot to me. no, i will not lose it. i refuse. i am holding on. i am waiting, as impatient as i am, and i will be here, and fight for anything that needs fighting for. i will not leave. i can't make promises, you don't want me to make promises to you because you think that i am only staying because of a promise. i am staying because i love you. i don't know what words i should be saying. i know i usually say the wrong words, however with the right intentions. or i say the wrong words because i am wrong anyway. but i am trying my best to be strong. for you and for me. i am trying to be strong for us.

the truth about diamonds

so happy belated 2007 everyone, i guess this is the first post of mine for the new year .. i've been trying to come up with a new layout but i guess the truth holds that my best layouts [and blogs] do come when i'm inspired, and right now, in the midst of trying to control my manic-depressive-PMS-moody-fit, i'm compelled to share my thoughts with you, my adoring [albeit small LOL joke =)] public. so although it's a month away, valentine's day is coming.. i know it's really early to be talking about it because "it's so far away" and most people i talk to despise the holiday and/or curse it for being another reason for capitalism to take its course in selling us dozens of delicious chocolates and such .. but i must say.. should i be excited for it? or am i just hyping up something that i shouldn't even be counting on happening? sure, it's the beginning of the year.. and i feel like i'm lacking in the love department for most of this break. but i have to inquire, my lovers and friends, should i be concerned? is it worth the trouble worrying about this? i mean, i know i shouldn't expect anything. gillian and i have gone over this time and time again and the reason i get so irritated is because i am expecting too much from a certain someone. but don't i have the right? doesn't a girl have the right to be romanced? my friend joe always talks to me about his ultimate swoonage--in which he would do the ultimate wine-and-dine for his lovergirl. but my loverboy never speaks about things like that. i mean, i don't ask for much .. i know i'm supposed to be like JLO and "love don't cost a thing" type shit.. but it's like .. i see other couples and they're sweets to the max and deep down inside i want some sweets to the max. sure, PDA is not nice. i'm all for telling people off who are about to sex it up right in front of you. but would it hurt to get a hug or something? or a loving glance? and it's like .. yeah, i know i'm a broke college kid .. and everyone is a broke college kid and all .. but would it hurt to get a little something nice once in a while? i know i'm in pharmacy school working my ass off so that i would be able to afford everything for myself and so i wouldn't have to depend on a man to support me but you know .. i mean .. don't i deserve nice things? like flowers? or something? or something cute and small that reminds person of me that they think they would like me to have? i don't know .. everyone is telling me to have patience, to wait things out .. that this is just a phase and i don't need to be stressing about things because it is my vacation. i know that relationships take work. they take give-and-take and romance and all that stuff. i don't want to just assume things and i know better than to expect things. maybe i'm just .. lonely, bored, something. maybe i'm need of some more diamonds. haha. sometimes, all i want is just to hear "i love you." is that too much to ask? heck, should i even be asking? i am feeling neglected and i don't know what to do about it anymore. sometimes i want to be alone to just get over it but at the same time it feels contrary to the plan. i just want to be thought of. i want the feeling of like .. oh, i thought of you today. i just wanted to give you a call. to me, i feel like things should be intuitive. if someone doesn't sound happy, they are sad. if someone says, i'm hungry, and they are looking at your french fries, they want one. if a girl consistently looks at every diamond necklace in a store, think about getting her one. i know i have a job and all, and a certain someone does not, but at the same time, can we get a little creative here? DO SOMETHING NICE FOR A GIRLFRIEND?! hi, hello. not always the girlfriend who plans the romantic shit. i swear, i might not plan anything for valentine's day. just go home. do nothing. hang out with my mom. is anyone going to stop me? is someone going to plan something for me? i know he's not perfect, i know i shouldn't be idealistic .. i'm trying to be realistic, here. fck it, whatevs .. i need some chocolate


<3 to best friend jackie, i love love lover her. =)