Day 14 - what you wore today, in great detail

Today began with me waking up in a white beater and underwear because with all of the sweltering heat in NJ, I've learned to sleep with this as my pajamas to stay cool.

Then there were moments where I was wearing my birthday suit, and then a grey tshirt and my soffee gray shorts.

And then, I wore my yellow striped tube top and light green shorts to go chase after the President at the sub shop, along with my silver sandals with the butterflies on them.

And now, I'm back to wearing my white beater again.

good night!

your definition of love, in great detail

So I totally failed at the challenge thing but I felt the need to write on this specific topic, because I was set off about something I read and it has been on my mind for a while, especially with everything that has been going on in my life this summer.

dictionary.com defines love as this:

"–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. ( initial capital letter ) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of god for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis . a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.
—Idioms
23. for love,
a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27. make love,
a. to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b. to engage in sexual activity.
28. no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers."

But I feel like, there's more to "love" than that. Love involves caring, listening, speaking, concern. It involves arguing and resolving, sadness and joy. Love is, being able to fight but knowing it's not going to break up your relationship. Love is learning to be honest with yourself and with whomever you have your relationship with. It's knowing when to say what, and when not to. Love is learning to forgive. Love teaches you, molds you, shapes you, breaks you, but then makes you whole. Love isn't just romance, it isn't just physical, it's everything. Love never gives up on you, because even when you feel like all hope is lost, it is still there. Love is mutual respect and mutual understanding. As cliche as it sounds, I believe that love does conquer all. I believe that to truly love someone, both as a significant other and platonically and as a friend, is to love them unconditionally, to have the love between each other grow as we grow as people.

When I was in high school in religion class (yes because I went to Catholic school), the main message was to put God in the center of our lives and our relationships. I find it to be true because by putting God in the center of our lives, we are putting love at the center of our lives because God is love. I was once heartbroken, once was jaded, and I once though I would "never find a special someone" a few years ago. But, I never gave up on love. I never thought bad about it, because it got me through the day. The love came from my family, my friends. Finally, with all that love surrounding me, I found a special someone to be able to share more love and grow more love with. I hear so many heartbroken people saying that love sucks or whatever, but, love never fails. Maybe you failed on love.

I know that things are going to be tough this semester because Charles is going away but I know that I always have to keep the love in my heart and to keep it strong for the both of us. Because I believe in us. I believe in love.

Day 02 - your first love, in great detail

Many of you reading might think that Charles was my first love. Well, suffice to say, he is probably my first long term "adult" relationship, but not my first love. That honor, ladies and gentlemen, will go to someone who will remain anonymous, for the sole fact that if you don't already know, then it's not important.

My first love was someone that I met unintentionally at a sweet sixteen when I was in high school. Back then I was naive to young love, and was eager to find someone special because I thought true happiness came from having a boyfriend. (I later was proven wrong.) With my first love also came my first heartbreak.

We dated for a year and a half during my sophomore and junior years of high school, and even though he only lived about 1 or 2 towns away it was like having a long distance relationship. He didn't go to the same school as me, and our communication spanned online chats and late night talks on the phone. We barely talked about anything substantial, usually our conversations consisted mainly of "you're so cute" 's and "i miss you" 's and "i had cereal for breakfast today, babee boii!" Oh geez, thinking about that makes me want to vomit in my mouth a little. We saw each other monthly, at the mall, at intricately prearranged group dates with our friends. We held hands like kids do, and I got my first kiss.. the night of my semi-formal, when I got to slow dance with him for the first time. But I'll go into that for another daily challenge if I make it that far. haha.

He wrote me poems, and I drew him pictures, and I thought we would be together forever. We would talk on the phone for hours about nothing important and eventually I got in trouble because my phone bill was $300. I was grounded for a week and that was the first time I got into a major arguement with my parents and they finally saw that I was rebelling, even for a little. (This was before free nights and weekends, haha) He was in my sweet sixteen cotillion and I thought it was the best day of my life because my 16th rose was my boyfriend at the time. He surprised me with a dance and was the last guest to leave, and I thought, life couldn't get any better than this!

Unfortunately, my ambitions got the best of me, and his lack thereof, and in the end it proved to be the breaking point to our relationship. I wanted to study for my AP exams, he wanted to talk on the phone and go out. Towards the end we started to fight and that's where things went sour. I didn't know any better, but I admit I didn't know how to control my jealousy back then. It didn't help that teenagers make a big deal about nothing, and when you're missing out you feel like it's the end of the world. I didn't understand it, I didn't know why I was feeling so left out, and we got into a nasty fight before his junior prom. I was so upset, I cried for a couple of days. I thought I wouldn't be able to go to the prom anymore, and it would be a waste! I bought a new dress and I was so excited! :sad face: Somehow we managed to patch things up for the prom and it ended up being a wonderful time. I still have nice memories about it, and ironically, Charles was at that same prom and would not give me the time of day. LOL.. even though now he has to! hahaha .. but I digress.

Somehow in June we started to drift apart and things only got worse. Finally, during the carnival week, I was at Mary's house and we got into a really bad fight. Eventually, he told me he didn't feel the same way about me anymore even though I pleaded with him that I still loved him all the same. He refused to break up with me, so I finally mustered up the courage to break it off, because I said, "I can't be with someone who doesn't love me." Good for you, 17 year old Ang! It was a weird feeling to have broken up with someone and I don't know how I managed not to think about it the whole time. I called Jackie in Arizona to tell her and she said, "you lived your life just fine before him, you can do it again." So I went to the carnival with Mary and bought Zeppole.

That summer was pretty hard because all the people we would hang out with mutually started to take sides and I felt more isolated than ever. They would invite Mary (because they had eventually befriended her though me) and not invite me, saying it would have been weird because I broke up with my boyfriend. I was so upset. I thought, how could they do this to me?! This is so unfair! And I realized how shallow people can be and how maybe, they weren't really my friends in the first place. Some days when Mary shows me pictures I still have some residual bitterness that I've never really been able to express until now. I doubt she reads this or anybody else, but still.

Subsequently, during my senior year of high school, my now-ex boyfriend started to date my friend, and that's where things really started to get weird. Mary knew that she was only dating him out of pity and that he liked her a lot more than she liked him. It hurt me, because he befriended her through me because she was my close friend who was in my cotillion. There was a lot of odd heartbreak and turmoil, probably because I didn't quite know how to get over him, especially when I couldn't cut him out of my life because of my friend. People have said that it was a pretty shitty thing for them to have done that to me, but looking back on it now, I don't think I would've been as ambitious if I didn't feel like I had something to prove. haha.

Now that I'm done with college, I still see him around, ironically he's friends with Charles' brother so I see him at Charles' house every once in a while. My mom asks me if it's weird, but I just tell her that Charles and I have been going out for so long that I don't think it's much of an issue any more. Plus, I have my PharmD! So take that! haha.

I'll always be glad I had a first love in high school because I know that it's something that I felt I needed to experience during my time there. I know that I'm proud of myself for not doing anything stupid and for turning my experiences into something positive. I did learn a lot from being in that situation and even though Charles and I have our issues sometimes I remember how I have to be strong, and I think it's only made my current relationship better.

Day 01 - Introduce yourself

I've been seeing these challenges online and thought that I should try them, plus it would give me an excuse to write legitimate blogs again! So here goes..

Well obviously, if you have been paying attention for the past 5 years, my name is Angelica! I just graduated from RU with my PharmD; it feels good but I also feel lost since I have yet to pass my exams and yet to land a full-time job. But let's not worry about that. I found that I've grown to love my chosen profession, that I love being a pharmacist, that I enjoy information about new drugs. You know that you've accepted it when you hear snippets about what medications people are taking and you're curious to know more. Or! When I'm at work I have a list of meds I never heard of just so I can go home and look them up and find out what they are used for. How corny!

I will Google and/or Wikipedia anything I don't know just because I enjoy knowing things.

I've lived in New Jersey for all my life and I have to admit that I am a Jersey girl in the best sense of the term. I love that I can go down the shore and up to the "city" both within 45 minutes, I love that I can get a good bagel, and I love that I know how to maneuver a jug-handle. I'm proud that I've been basically through the entire perimeter of my state and know how it looks like! (Thanks rotations!)

I still live with my parents, and even though people can't wait to get away, I've learned to deal with it. I understand that my time with my parents is slowly getting limited and it's important to learn what I can from them before I really have to be an adult. I like that my family lives within a 2 mile radius with me.. not a lot of people have the luxury of seeing their relatives whenever they want.

In a weird way I envy people who have fantastic pictures and put pictures of all the crazy places they've been or crazy things they've done, but, I enjoy staying home and having quiet moments with myself. I think it was all those years of being sheltered and an only child. I've mellowed out and learned to enjoy quiet evenings and days at home, sometimes by myself. I think it gives me a chance to explore my creativity and thoughts. Sometimes going out gives me anxiety, I think it's because of all the people and because I've reverted to social awkwardness after being in pharmacy school for so long. I guess after everything is said and done with respect to my exams I'll have a chance to develop my social skills once again..

I still enjoy cutesy things and random things and have learned to desire the unique and handmade as opposed to the mass-produced and expensive. I've gotten into jewelry making and calligraphy, and I hope one day to throw a whole dinner party that I've created myself, from picking out the place settings to creating the meal from scratch. When I do, you'll be invited! :)

I've finally come to terms with being myself, instead of trying to be someone else. I know it's cliche, but I've always felt that I was a "follower" for my whole life. I always wanted to be "cool" and "popular" because I thought it would bring me happiness. Now I know that it's okay if I live in anonymity nowadays.. because no one is in my biz. I like that no one is in my biz.

I don't know what else to say about myself, haha

CHALLENGE .. sorry i haven't blogged in a while!

Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail
Day 03 – Your parents, in great detail
Day 04 – What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 – Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 – Your day, in great detail
Day 07 – Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 – A moment, in great detail
Day 09 – Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 – Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 – What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 – This week, in great detail
Day 14 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 – Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 – Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 – Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 – This month, in great detail
Day 21 – Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 – A first, in great detail
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 – Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail

concrete jungle where things are made of

so i have debated whether to trade in my trusty blog here and jump over to the tumblr side because it seems that it's the new cat's meow.. recently i jumped to the twitterverse but i'm not sure it's for me either. i've been meaning to write something substantial in my blog for the longest time, especially since i scheduled myself to blog about every rotation so writing my self reflections would be easier to do - but even that was too much of a committment for me. i went to las vegas earlier this month and contary to my previous ways, i didn't even share it with everyone! how odd, lol. well i guess because partially my trip was about business, and partially i care not to share certain details that would get me in a lot of trouble. i'll remember them, my friends will remember them, and i think it's best to leave it at that.

in regards to my last rotation:

clinicals aren't as bad as everyone makes out them to be. maybe it's because my preceptor was about to get married, maybe it's because the people i was on it with were THE BOMB, or maybe it's because i'm really as good as they think i am -- but all in all i didn't come away with needing a prescription or killing someone. well, there is the issue of my anger management problems in december..

i really did learn a bunch of things on clinical and i really did learn to approach things in a new way. clinicals really showed me how i need to have more confidence in who i am going to be as a pharmacist and how i have to step up my game. i learned how to be angry, i learned how to fight .. i learned how to be strong when i was having my ass handed to me on a daily basis. i learned how to have tulungan with my friends because that is the only way we could survive. i learned how to drive to trenton on 4 hours sleep and 1 cup of coffee and then give a presentation right after. i learned that even though you're right you're still wrong but rarely you do get listened to. and of course, i learned that singing lady gaga and mariah carey is good for relieving stress --as long as your preceptors don't find out. don't ever let them find out. lol. i felt like after my whole clinical experience and what with my new arse holes that i was torn out that maybe i should try out this clinical thing. i might actually be good at it and something positive might come out of it for me. i feel like i thrive in the challenge.

but now, a month later and i'm sitting here trying to apply for 7 programs and i've lost the drive, the reason to keep trying. is it laziness? maybe. but at the same time i feel like my heart really wasn't in it in the first place and now i'm just trying to fill a void that comes with thinking that maybe i'm destined for bigger things and the only way to do that is through doing this residency stuff. when i did my community rotation i really liked it; honestly, i could see myself doing that. it may be stressful at times what with insurance and healthcare reform and billing and all that - but i like talking to people and i like helping them be a better-educated patient. but it's hard. the job market in jersey is terrible right now and i'm graduating at the worst time. viv has a set job after graduation but then again it's viv - she's really good at what she does and her company would be making the biggest mistake if they didn't get her right away. i'm left trying to figure out who i really want to be with this degree. i thought i wanted the fellowship but there is too much ass kissing in that field for me to be really happy. i hate ass kissing. i'm terrible at networking and i don't know squat about professional pearls for doing this and that. don't get me wrong, if you give me a task, i will follow through and i will be the best at what i do. it's who i am. but it's hard to decide who i really want to be. there was a point in time where i wanted to do it all -- i wanted to be the resident, the fellow, the community pharmacist, the medical writer, all at the same time. i could see myself everywhere and now i am nowhere. i have 6 more applications and i am just about to send them just the way they are because tripping over them is just pointless right about now. i sent away my transcripts already hopefully and now it's just time for me to come up with 3 paragraphs why i want to go to this and that program and etc. easy peasy right? chyeahh ..

to sum up my 2009 in a nutshell -- it started off better than it ended. no wait, it started off bleh, transitioned into meh, got better when the semester ended and when i went to nyc, got meh again during clinical, got weeeeeeeeeeeee when i went on break and vegas, and now it's back to bleh. a lot of celebrities died and sam's bf died and all this other stuff happened. i felt like there was more to accomplish but not a lot was accomplished. oh well.

i hope that i start off 2010 on a good note and i hope that everything works out for the best. carlos and lisa are getting married and i'm in the wedding. plus, plus, did i mention graduation. the biggest day of my life. i'm pretty excited about it but you know rutgers and the old screw. i'm crossing my fingers until the day comes. so with everything being said, peace the f out 2009. let's get the naughties behind us.

see right clear like you're bathing in windex

well since i have some time to kill before my next interview today on community interview day, i thought i would finally, finally write in my blog and update you all, faithful and not so faithful readers, on the status of my life and i'm so SO SO close to graduating. THIS CLOSE! [ ] (that's the sign for this close. you didn't know? LOL)

Anyways I have been on my clinical in Trenton and let me tell you it's some serious jones. I'm tired like alllllllll the time. Today I finally got to escape from having to go down to the hospital for the whole day by signing up for interviews at the school and now I'm here at the library doing nothing.. well attempting to do my presentation but I left that at home so now I'm just reading the article that I have to talk about tomorrow. SHIT, it's tomorrow! But I digress.

Trenton isn't as bad as Viv made it out to be.. I mean it did have its crappy moments especially all the times my not-preceptor ripped us all apart. I guess it was okay in the end, we did learn a lot, but learning by threats isn't always fun. Especially when you have fear all the time! Rounding with the doctors was a great learning experience too.. I don't know if I have the guts/confidence to make recommendations like Anna does, but it is my first time. So yeah.. It's crazy that the doctors come from all over the world and they were like top-notch but they have to start from the bottom. I guess even the best somewhere isn't the best everywhere, right? Things started to get really hectic at the end especially with all the presentations and interviews and this and that. I am going to miss my friends terribly when we go our separate ways but hopefully, hopefully! we'll stay in touch.. I saw my one classmate that I rotated with in NYC randomly yesterday and I wanted to say hi but he all up and vanished. Oh well, maybe next time..

After going to the residency thing yesterday it got me thinking about maybe I want to do residency now. It's weird because when I'm in Trenton sometimes the last thing I want to do is graduate only to have 2 more years of clinicals to do. 2 more years of being someone's bitch! To me that sucks because sometimes, I just want to make some money and be done with the whole, feeling like I'm not in charge feeling yet. Plus, there's this match-thing that you have to do and it makes me feel like I'm signing my life away. What if I change my mind? What if a better opportunity comes? What if I don't even want to be a pharmacist anymore and all I want to do is sell puppies or ice cream or shoes or what!? What then!

HAHAHA .. I have successfully wasted about an hour of my time. NICE

To Be Continued ..