impossible

i hate life right now, but i love you.

my inspiration on so many levels.

i hate stressing. i hate feeling like i'm incapable. for the past couple of days that's all i've been feeling. i don't know where my passions for learning has gone. all i feel is hopelessness and desolation. after exams, all i feel like is like i'm a complete failure. why? why must it always be like this? why must i always carry this feeling of self-doubt and inadequacy with me every day? how come i don't enjoy learning? when i was in the bathroom someone scribbled on the wall, "not the paper, chase the dream." but i don't even know what my dream is. i mean, are you supposed to feel miserable studying for a career that you've blindly chosen? am i going about this all wrong? but it's like, what else can i do. i've chosen this path and i dodn't want to turn back. part of me just wants to prove to myself that i could actually do this, no matter how much i really hate every single moment of it. it's been torture for the past couple of weeks. i don't even know what to do to escape. but i can't even escape. i have no way out.. if i leave now, i leave with nothing. which is even worse. even more than getting out of this hell hole, i just want to feel like i'm worth something. i want to feel like i've accomplished something. i want that feeling of greatness again that i used to have in highschool. the feeling of knowing i was the best at everything i did. i excelled in everything. now i put my mind to it, and i can't even pass sometimes, it's that hard. what do i have to do? what more do i have to sacrifice to get what i want? am i just inherently stupid? is that what it is? i'm just a fricking dumb ass that doesn't know? i am trying to keep my scholarship hanging on a thread. i don't know where my willpower has gone. i don't know where my motivation to succeed has gone. everything just feels like a hopeless, dead end, vicious cycle of impending doom. sometimes i wish i could just leave all of this mess behind. sometimes, i truly hate my life and everything that i have to go through. i don't care who tells me i've got it easy because i don't. i hate every minute of this horror. i want it all to go away and i want to feel like i'm happy in what i've chosen. not just because of the money or the power or prestige .. i don't even know anymore. i have the most pounding headache and i feel like crying every minute right now .. i hate this, i really really hate this

lost without you

so i've been kind of slacking in my .. writing in my blog, so sad.. i guess i've been so busy and i don't really have much to say that i didn't have anything better to say here so i just left what i had before. lol .. i should be doing my calculations assignment for pharmaceutical care -- i'm a slacker i should be on top of my shit .. oh man, i need another break! even though i don't have any exams this week -- it was all a lie! they did it on purpose because i have this wretched assignment to do that i slacked and haven't started until now. and even now, i'm writing in my blog! i'm such a slacker .. such a frickin SLACKER ..
but enough ranting and raving, i am just feeling a lot better than i did a couple of days ago. there was a filipino couple that was involved in a murder suicide here in our area [if you live/lived around here you probably heard about it on the news or by word of mouth] and it was crazy how many people asked me if i knew the family. i reply no .. only that i know that someone i knew from way back was next-door neighbors to the family .. but it's so crazy. it got me thinking .. and you would probably think i was really morbid for thinking this but -- if something serious were to happen to me, how far would the shockwave go throughout the community? how much of a response would people have to my misfortune? would they just be interested for the sole fact of its sensationalism or would they honestly care? would people i met only once suddenly remember the one moment we ever had contact just to be able to form a connection to the story they saw on tv? i don't know. one thing's for sure .. people are usually quick to pay attention to horrible things .. who knows why, but i guess that is the way life is. the world is such a crazy and dangerous place ..
so yesterday [10/22] was RAPS annual halo-halloween -- yes, i know .. it's never on a sunday, but for some reason this year, that's when it was. it was an odd time to have it, and i was sad because some of my friends and etc didn't come .. and sad because i didn't even get to see the whole show, but being onstage was most fun .. and i'm glad i got to do it one more time before pharmacy really kicks me in the ass and i can't do it anymore. there are always people who think cultural dancing is corny and refuse to do it .. but iono, i've loved it since i've been doing it here in school. i don't know how much longer i can hold on because 18 credits is getting to be a lot these days. of course you already know that from reading this from time to time .. hahaha .. but anyways, congrats to all the performers yesterday .. even if i didn't get to see you, i'm sure you were all pretty awesome. =) i'm sad too because it started and ended so late and i was too assed to stay for the whole thing since i ended up dancing at 11pm. yeah .. late, i know.
today i gave out candy to my classmates in pharmacy .. yeah, i only had like 50 packs and i have 200 classmates, but to the random people i got to throw candy at, i'm glad i made their day. it makes me happy when i make other people happy. i guess, i aim to please, huh? yup. i sure do love candy .. i wish i could go trick-or-treating like back in the day, but i guess i'm getting too old for it. but, never too old for candy .. mmm .. 2 of the freshies on rcdt dressed up as fukyu and fukmi .. awwww. they are so cute .. hehehe. wish i had that kind of enthusiasm .. ^_^
i think i know what withdrawal feels like .. you know, when you go without something for a couple of days, you really start to miss it. yeah, i'm a whack ass, i missed my boyfriend already after 4 days. i couldn't even last. but then again, that's because i see him everyday [so you're probably thinking, but you see him everyday .. so a couple of days won't kill you] but contrary to popular belief, it does. maybe i'm just a sap or a loser or whatever, but i do. it's not like before, when i was a young one in high school, not seeing who i was in to for weeks, months on end. i don't know how i put up with that now that i look back on it. maybe because i was too busy fantasizing. nowadays i have to live in the here and now because so many things just leave in the blink of an eye. and when he's not here with me in the here and now, i feel like a part of me is missing. and i feel lonely .. [hey there lonely girl.. lol] and then i was looking at a quote from someone's profile, and i thought it was kind of funny-- "lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off" ..ahahahaha. well, that's only true in about .. mmmmm, maybe 20% of the time. give or take a few.
unfortunately, i think i've run out of things to say. i've really got to get back in the game of writing in my blog because my past few entries have been crap. well this one has been. then again, sometimes, i like to be short and to the point instead of rambling. since i don't have anything to say. but anyways, okay, good night.

charles, i love you. you know that.


the end.

<3 to:
bestfriend in the universe [jackie] -- hahaha, those are great chill pills. and my new skinny jeans rock my world, just like you. =)
the fish [gillian] -- lol, sure.
the anonymous -- um, you're a fagnut. but thanks for the comment.

SOS: please, someone help me

so anyways, i'm on my break between studying this lovely molecule as well as memorizing the 20 amino acids .. and man .. i'm pretty proud of myself that i haven't completely died this weekend and i'm not feeling as sad as i was on thursday/friday .. things just keep getting more and more complicated as the semester goes on .. but i guess, it's expected -- after all, i am a 3rd year! but oh man people, i definitely was in a rut for about 2 weeks. possibly, when i take my other exams .. it'll come back with a vengenace, but for right now, i'm trying to savor the fact that i'm in a good mood once again. i think the sunshine definitely helps .. i hate going to school when it rains .. rain always makes me feel sad during the school year. i can't believe it's already october .. sometimes the days go by so agonizingly slow [you should see our pharmacy practice managment class LOL] and sometimes, i'm surprised at how fast we finish and that holy smokes! it's friday once again. =) friday has become my favorite day of the week .. i guess it helps that i don't work weekends and that charles and i usually go out after class on fridays, and of course, i get to catch up on allllll my sleep during the weekend. i think i'm finally getting used to the whole, feeling-tired-everyday thing, but it's annoying when my body refuses to wake up for my 8:55 am class. i'll have to work on that .. usually, i'm really good about it, but it doesn't help when i have a bajillion exams that i have to study for. ahhhh time management, what a biiiiiiiitch .. it makes me sad sometimes that i can't ever do much of anything fun anymore, it's as if i don't have the time because i always feel guilty that i should be using that time to be studying .. just like right now, lol .. but writing in my blogspot is always part of the escape i need from the hectic herd of moo-moos that stress out around me everyday. i wish they would all just take a chill pill .. it's starting to rub off on me too, because viv tells me to take some chill pills too. maybe i should invent that when i graduate .. 2010 seems so far away, i can't wait for that f-ing year to come.

well, um .. in something non-school related, i sure do love online shopping! of course, i haven't really bought much online .. and i'm trying to earn some money to actually buy another thing online .. but man! i didn't know that if you use your check card with the visa logo on it it's comparable to a credit card [minus the whole, gotta charge it and then pay for it later thing.] it's so tempting to go out and buy lots and lots of stuff .. so far, i just bought a microSD card for my phone that i'm hoping will come this week .. yay for music on my phone! i love my phone, but then i was searching the t-mobile website and they came out with more samsung phones. it's too late now to get a new phone [heller, i just got this one!] but you know, can't help but feel like i want to get another phone. poo .. but it's okay, it's a phone, and as long as it makes calls, then i'm set. i bought some skinny-ish jeans too from tjmaxx .. they are slimming and have a cigarette leg instead of a tapered leg .. which i guess is good .. i thought skinny jeans were supposed to be mad skinny but it's okay. they are freakin sold out everywhere! i tried on this outfit for my mom with a shirt i bought from h&m and she said i looked malnourished. LOL .. i felt like nicole richie for a hot minute .. and kind of nice because at least she didn't say i looked fat. eheh .. [contrary to popular belief, i too have weight issues and think i'm fat.] i would like some more flats too, but it's okay .. sneakers are the way to go for me right now because they are oh-so-comfy and plus i look like a bum almost every single day [except for wednesday when i have to look extra cool for when i go to pharmaceutics lab. OH! i needa go to H&M and/or target and buy some more professional clothes.. mmm ..] so much stuff i wanna buy .. damn, i'm so materialistic. ahahaha .. another reason why i am in pharmacy school .. =X

anywho, since my life has been mainly about books, i guess this is where the conversation has to end, friends. til next time, when i have something else to say again. peeeeeeease!

ps.// the song, 'enjoy' by janet jackson is hot. listen to it! =)

<3 to:
jon [santos]; you're welcome. =)
jackie [bestfriend]; hehe i love your cheese. delicious cheesy goodness. mmm especially cheese on my pizza .. yum!
gillian [breathing mechanisms of the fish woman]; YAY! i can't wait. i wanna go to ummm .. philadelphia or miami .. or .. let's go to LA!!!!! =D =D =D
ren [renee]; awww thanks ren i love you too! =)