impossible

i hate life right now, but i love you.

my inspiration on so many levels.

i hate stressing. i hate feeling like i'm incapable. for the past couple of days that's all i've been feeling. i don't know where my passions for learning has gone. all i feel is hopelessness and desolation. after exams, all i feel like is like i'm a complete failure. why? why must it always be like this? why must i always carry this feeling of self-doubt and inadequacy with me every day? how come i don't enjoy learning? when i was in the bathroom someone scribbled on the wall, "not the paper, chase the dream." but i don't even know what my dream is. i mean, are you supposed to feel miserable studying for a career that you've blindly chosen? am i going about this all wrong? but it's like, what else can i do. i've chosen this path and i dodn't want to turn back. part of me just wants to prove to myself that i could actually do this, no matter how much i really hate every single moment of it. it's been torture for the past couple of weeks. i don't even know what to do to escape. but i can't even escape. i have no way out.. if i leave now, i leave with nothing. which is even worse. even more than getting out of this hell hole, i just want to feel like i'm worth something. i want to feel like i've accomplished something. i want that feeling of greatness again that i used to have in highschool. the feeling of knowing i was the best at everything i did. i excelled in everything. now i put my mind to it, and i can't even pass sometimes, it's that hard. what do i have to do? what more do i have to sacrifice to get what i want? am i just inherently stupid? is that what it is? i'm just a fricking dumb ass that doesn't know? i am trying to keep my scholarship hanging on a thread. i don't know where my willpower has gone. i don't know where my motivation to succeed has gone. everything just feels like a hopeless, dead end, vicious cycle of impending doom. sometimes i wish i could just leave all of this mess behind. sometimes, i truly hate my life and everything that i have to go through. i don't care who tells me i've got it easy because i don't. i hate every minute of this horror. i want it all to go away and i want to feel like i'm happy in what i've chosen. not just because of the money or the power or prestige .. i don't even know anymore. i have the most pounding headache and i feel like crying every minute right now .. i hate this, i really really hate this