the silence hurts my ears

yeah so, even though it's summer, my entries in here have been kind of sporadic.. i check it everyday, but yet, i never really have much to say .. work's been -- work.. pretty chill and all, sometimes i think i should work like 40+ hours a week because the hours i work aren't keeping up with my illustrious spending habits. the ironic thing is, i don't really buy anything but food and gas. and the occasional, movie ticket here and there. either that, or i should really stop going out. haha. but that's what summer is about, having fun and being young .. er, growing up too, yeah, something like that. today, though, i'm staying home, doing nothing, wasting away just like i planned, but the silence in my house is killing me. once again the parental units are giving the 'let's ignore our daughter to teach her a damn lesson' trick.. but mary told me to just "aye so" it, because they will have to get over it eventually. i think. well, whatever .. what i said or didn't say isn't the worst thing, for crying out loud, i didn't even go swimming .. no reason to freak out on me like this. i wasn't lying, goodness gracious. but fine, be cranky, ugh. compared to other kids my age, i'm pretty damn good. but since i'm a proper friend, i'm not gonna say shit because that's not right either. i just hate how my good mood always gets killed when i come home. but then again, didn't i want to get yelled at? didn't i want to get in trouble? mmmm .. i guess so, but who knows anymore. i'm lonely once again, but i just want to stay home. and do my philosophy ..? probably. i can't believe that summer session is over already. it went by so freakin fast, 5 weeks gone, just like that. and i'm leaving for las vegas in about 3ish weeks, that's some pretty crazy shit too -- i think i need to get some things before i leave .. trying to make a list, but maybe i'll just buy it over there instead to save myself the trouble of packing .. hehehe. but other than the deafening silence in my house right now, the big picture is pretty rosy. which makes me feel pretty good -- it's nice to be content with your situation instead of always wishing something would happen. i've been busy, and all .. and i miss my friends .. but you know, we have to be grownups and work. and even then, i don't know if i'm ready to be a grownup. 4 years, maybe? maybe. big maybe. i just know that i have my plan for after i graduate -- i plan on moving out. forreals. i think about it every once in a while, moreso when i get in trouble and my short ass leash gets yanked -- hell yes, i am moving out and being on my own for a while. i need to learn how to fend for myself. i told it to my mom and she made me feel like a guilty piece of shit:

mom: why are you going to move there? that's so far away.
me: it's not that far away. it's like an hour.
mom: [pauses]
me: what?
mom: nothing, it's like you're abandoning me.

sure mom, i'm going to abandon you. what the hell?! who says that to people. only my oh so eloquent mother, because she really knows how to make me feel like crap. all the time. all the time! man, f*ck that man .. well hopefully, things will be okay -- i don't know how to break it to her that charles was invited for tomorrow .. i have to, before tomorrow .. hopefully, she will not give me a dirty look. what is up with people these days .. goodness. oh yeah, i saw superman yesterday and it was pretty good. pretty long, but good too. i guess i should really get cracking on my philosophy homework soon .. my final is on wednesday and all .. and plus, i still have homework to do and stuff like that. man, i feel kind of drained. oh yeah! happy 4th of july too in case i don't write another entry between now and then. lol, i still don't have much to say. oh yeah, those icons that everyone has around are really fun to make. i made some of my own too. but mine are more for me and, yeah. i wonder where mary is .. she always knows how to put me in a good mood. i'm so blah i don't even feel like eating either. just going to sleep and hopefully waking up and maybe everything will be better again. will it? sigh .. sigh .. SIGH. well i am done rambling. till next time loves.

<3 to:
bestfriend jackie: i hope you get my package soon. long days yay!
marielle aka shmelle: awwww! of course dear i love you too! take care in massachusetts!
eddie: haha yeah, the best times are the ones i always get in trouble for. =)

if i want to

so right now, i'm currently listening to what could be my new summer mix cd for my car .. yeah, i have old songs mixed in right now, and yeah, i should be doing my homework .. but i just finished writing a philosophy paper, and i still have a commentary to do .. so right now, i just want to take a little break because i did pretty kick ass on my last philosophy paper thanks to the creativity of jopapa and a certain 511. anyways .. tensions have been running a little high here in the family household .. GOD only knows why [yes, the GOD that i proved that existed `;P] and i think i just need some time alone to rejuvenate and get my thoughts back in order. i was feeling pretty jumbled after this past week, and it's nice to come back to some kind of normal -- even though it's kind of mundane and repetitive every week. though, summer classes do end in about 2 weeks .. holy smokes .. and my 2nd philosophy paper is due on monday. crunch time again, kids! wow. but i guess pressure's good, and i actually have time to put together a good bs again that's another 1000 words. yeeeah boy. =)
i had a pretty eventful weekish since the last time i updated .. for one thing, i got my first taste of freedom/independence/youthfulness when i hit up the city with the whole crew for gillian's 21st. 21.. holy smokes, i still remember having sweet 16s. anyways, contrary to what is the common belief about he-said-she-said -- i did have a good time; it all came down to being tired and getting in trouble. but anyways, yeah .. i don't know when or if i'll ever be able to do something like that again .. at least i can say that i did it once, at least i can say i reveled in the recklessness of my youth.. pulling an all-nighter and not sleeping and enjoying the company of my peers. =] so whatever you heard, whatever someone said, let's set the record straight -- there are no hard feelings and i appreciate the fact that i was invited and allowed to go and had the opportunity to exeperience what i did. if i could do it again -- yeah, now that i think about it, sure i would .. maybe i might do some things differently, but hey. you only life once, and you're only young once. so on that note, i had a good time. there you go.
so, really, the worst thing about being on summer vacation is that i have a lot of time to sit and think about things. haha. today i ran away from home -- only to jenn's house, don't freak out lol -- and had a chill out session with my cousin. i swear, she is the frickin bomb greatest in the world.. maybe you don't really get it because you don't really have family who's mostly within a 5 mile radius from you -- but my family rocks. did i mention that? i don't know what i would do without them. for all of the craziness i endure and for everything that goes on in my life -- my family has always been there for me .. even more so now that i'm growing up and it's all starting to level and i'm finally becoming an adult or some shit like that. who knows. but yeah .. my cousins are what it is, gangsters. they are by far, the coolest people in the world. without question. no one on this planet has my back like they do.. or knows how to set me straight like they do. so jenn helped me think through things .. i'm still a little confused about what i'm supposed to do or say or where i'm supposed to go with everything .. but hopefully everything works out. and when i came back from jenn's, i was glad that some of the tension i was feeling at home finally broke. maybe because i have school and work tomorrow anyways .. time to be responsible again .. ahahaha .. which reminds me, i need to cut back on the spending, people, because i won't have any money to go on vacation with. shit, let's look for coverage, no? let's! well anyways, i intended to write a really long ass entry here, because i haven't really been updating, but i guess, this is all i have to say. when i have more, you know i'll be writing again. but before i go, i hope you all like my new layout. =) i haven't changed it in a while, but since it's summer and all, i had to make a summer layout. yeah, it's kind of plain, but i finally centered the stupid thing after playing with codes for 2 hours. lol. i'll think of a better banner soon .. you know me and my fickleness with the layouts .. haha. well i hope you all have a good night, i need to freshen up and prepare for sleep and .. the NBA game tonight? or maybe the world cup. whatever, some sporting event. haha. catch you all on the flip side kids -- sweet dreams ;)



<3 to:
joe aka jopapa; oh mr. buble is quite awesome. "oh my love please tell me when."
christine aka the homie; oh love, you rock.
bestfriend in the universe jackie; i love how we can feel the vibe. it's nuts and you kick ass.

quando quando quando

yeah so i wrote this really long and nice update before when i was working my 8ish hours at the computer lab last wednesday but since the blogger server thing wouldn't connect with my computer at work, i couldn't post it up. sure, i could post it up now, and be delayed like that and fix the date to approximate when exactly i wrote it, but eh .. i don't think i want to do that. and it doesn't feel right to me since i'm like 3 days late. so instead, i'm going to start fresh, and start writing a whole new entry about what's currently going on in my life right now. it's been a week since summer classes started .. and surprisingly, on that wednesday, i wasn't feeling as dead as i was the first time .. so hopefully, i'm getting used to the whole 8hrwork-4hrclass joint that i have to pull every wednesday. i only have 4 more weeks of class .. oh man .. it seems so long but yet, compared to the whole scheme of things, it's really short. i'm lucky to have landed some summer employment .. this broke ass ho status is definitely killing me, and even with money coming in every so often it's hard to keep up this fast paced social lifestyle that i've suddenly got going on. remind me to stay home more often .. haha .. just to economize .. lol. but it's okay, that's what summer is all about, that's how you make the memories .. with the money that you don't have. hehe. hopefully the money i have saved up somewhere is going to help me out now .. and hopefully, i'll have some money coming in soon because i know i'm going to be in the hole for a long ass time. man! college kids really are broke-er than broke.
other than the philosophy papers that i'm currently putting off doing, there hasn't been much i can really say that might show some kind of excitement right now. it's mainly just summer classes and work straight.. and participating in a taste testing study. yeah man! i'm a human subject. the food sciences building on cook is mad fly .. that's what i originally wanted to go into as a field, but for some reason i ended up in pharmacy .. oh well, maybe later on i'll go back and get a degree in it. or not, who knows. anyways, so yeah, i'm taking a break from this philo paper that i'm doing. i thought that maybe, if i just let my ideas flow a little bit for a while, instead of forcing out what i think i should be saying, then maybe the second half of my paper will just come naturally and i'll be able to finish it up. then again, what have i learned best in college -- why, to BS things, of course -- and there i go, i just bs'ed like half my paper in an hour. cool, huh? though i make it a point to make it a good bs. come on now, i don't like half assing anything, even when i bs things, i have to bs it good! sigh. i guess school really just, never ends for me.. oh man .. this is what i get for being quasi intelligent.. damn. and there i go, if gabe were here he'd mockingly push up his imaginary glasses and poke fun at my use of intellect. i wonder if other people ask themselves, 'why can't i just be dumb.' lol. nah, i'm just kidding, i like being smart .. of course, people are quick to tell me all of the advantages. but right now, my smartness is kind of tired and too lazy to be writing about the existence of GOD and why i should be disproving the problem of evil. i'm thinking, yeah, maybe i need to put more criticisms up. i'm basically just, explaining what i learned in class. woopiee .. hopefully, i didn't just jack up this paper and forget to properly cite something or other. shieeet .. remind me to ask about that in class? yeah? yeah.

oh yeah! so you see those adidas sambas right there? aren't those just so sexy? it's such a turn on to me when a guy wears the right shoes. you can ask my friend eddie, i tell him how much his homeless shoes are homeless all the time. and then! he got a new pair of sneakers and they were so frickin awesome. so anyways, i've been doing tons and tons of research to get a pair of sneakers for someone who is the farthest from a sneakerhead as possible, and it is proving quite difficult. so far, i've checked out the puma "basket", the adidas 'stan smiths', the asics 'mexico 66' [a personal unisex favorite of mine. =)] and of course, the least likely nike dunk. but those sambas are pretty flippin sweet, GQ recommended them when i was looking in men's fashiom magazines for sneakers that were more fashion forward than exclusive niketalk worthy. but unfortunately, adidas proved to be a kind of uncomfortable shoe, much to my dismay.. which brings me back to my search. hopefully, i can find the right shoe.. and soon.. but then again, i'm not really in a hurry because it's not like i have finances to pay for this! lols. it's always nice to look. heeh!

so yeah, i don't really know where i'm going with this entry. next week is going to be pretty hectic and eventful and i hope i make it through in one piece. i'm kind of scared for it to come .. mainly because i didn't think any of it was really going to happen. but, i'm glad things are progressing the way they are, and my certainty will be validated when the actual time comes. but fo now, my planning will continue, and the hoping, and the praying .. to the GOD that i have to defend, which is all good. damn, i sure do learn a lot in college. philosophy makes you think and all. sure, i'm not contemplating the meanings of life all the time, but i sure do know now how to overanalyze things even more. great ! lol. remind me not to get ahead of myself. haha .. wow, i slept a whole lot on my way to new york city today and back and now i'm sleepy. darn! well at least i could write my entry and not feel like i'm tired or some shit. good, right? i just keep rambling on and on. ummmm okay i'm done. lol

511 is significant to me for reasons that may not be as obvious as people think. ^_^

that and i think i'm going to have another one of my many blue pixy sticks =D

happy graduation mary! =)

<3 to:
tim; yes! sushi and nonalcoholic beverages sounds fantastic =D
jackie; 511 is defintely where it's at. no doubt!