no matter what you do

[may 17 2006]

eddie (12:19:30 PM): u have the best... blog...ever...... period
angelica (12:19:48 PM): awwwww thanks! =)
angelica (12:20:12 PM): i am going to save that and put it in my next blog when i write it
eddie (12:21:07 PM): haha
eddie (12:21:10 PM): no im serious
eddie (12:21:14 PM): its always so interesting and u write very well
angelica (12:21:25 PM): :flattered: =) ^_^

well, first i have to dedicate this entry to my 2 friends eddie and joe; because they always like reading my blog and ask me about it. espeically joe, he's waiting for my update. lol. sometimes i fail to realize how many people actually read this stuff.. you never really know the true number because not everyone leaves comments and lets you know that they came .. maybe they're shy to let me know how many times they actually visit. haha. i'm flattered, and you don't have to be embarrassed to care what i have to say. i really appreciate your visit. =)

anyway, this past week has been, well.. good, relaxing, boring, exciting, unsure, slightly tense.. just a mixed bag of oxymoronic feelings that i don't even understand anymore. as you can see, over there, i have a good number of sneakers. haha i know i'm being captain obvious right now, but when i was talking to my friend eddie he told about his project that he was going to do about shoes and stories and i thought that maybe i could use all these lovelies to explain and describe what i've been feeling, going through, thinking about .. and etc.

at first glance, what would you say about me? looking at the shoes i've put on, does it seem like it's been an easy road? does it seem like, maybe, if you took a walk in my shoes, you could do it .. maybe, somehow, they'd fit you too and maybe they'd match your pink on pink outfit to a T. or maybe my shoes are too tight on you and you can't handle it. maybe you need something more scandalously high that shows off your newly pedicured toes .. or maybe you need something a little more laid back and free. true, my shoes are still kind of new. but also, they're pretty broken in. maybe they're new because i care a lot about my shoes and i take care of them. or maybe they're new because they haven't gone anywhere to let them get dirty. to compare, my friend eddie, he has this pair of really really broken in shoes that he loves so much. they have holes in them and they definitely have been on the verge of replacement. but through it all, through looking at his shoes, you can tell that he's been places. you can tell that he's experienced the world and grown up. maybe, he's outgrown his shoes and needs a new fresh one to start on his new chapter in his life of graduating and stuff like that. looking at my shoes, my shoes haven't been beaten out enough .. maybe it's a sign that i haven't gotten all i needed to get out of life yet. but am i really ready to face what i've been meaning to face for the past couple of years? is it time for me to grow up and strap on the stilettos? everytime i think about facing it, i get scared in my bones. everyone knows, that, being me, living in these shoes, it's not easy sometimes. maybe i'm resisting the change. is it that i just want to take my pink asics and run? run, like i've been doing .. or is it time to take a stand for what i want. but then again, i don't even know what i want. in all honesty and fairness, i prefer my pink asics to a sexy pair of stilettos on a normal given day. they've never let me down and have gotten me to where i've needed to be ever since i got them. i love them to death. but the stilettos, you know, they scream the inner pussycat doll in me. the one that has the ability to just put shit and do the crazy thing when i'm out. i've gone so long picking and choosing all the different shoes of life that i don't know where to go right now.. thinking that, with these pair of shoes, it'll be different .. but since they're all dunks, am i just staying the same? is it time to move on? everyone tells me that it's time to have it out and just fight it out so that i get the freedom and opportunity to make mistakes and fun that i rightfully deserve. the freedom to trip and fall over my laces and step in mud and walk on sidewalks that i've been meaning to walk on. the chance to leave my shoeprints in places i've always wanted. but with the freedom comes the responsibility .. and somehow i feel like i'm ready, but are my parents? how do i get over this culture clash? [i put a pair of tsinilas here; hope it shows hahaha] so if you wore my shoes, could you understand? would you be able to stand in them and comprehend everything that i have come to just, respect..? these filipino shoes represent all the tradition that surrounds me everyday. i have grown to fear asking my parents things at times because i feel like i might just be wasting my time if i'm just going to get a couple of lame excuses which equate to no. or, make me feel so guilty that i try and convince myself of a no. i know, i've written time and time again about this.. and yes, the situation has gotten better as i've gotten older .. i keep thinking that maybe i won't have to face the confrontation and i'll just be able to do my thing. my mind's just a mess.. haha.. and for the first time, i don't think getting a new pair of shoes is going to fix it. i wish my parents could stand in my shoes for a day or 2. i mean, my mom wears my old nike cortezes around, but i don't think she's that great at empathizing where i've been. she straight up told me that she's really conservative and traditional and all. maybe i just need to put on these shoes and run. better yet, just drive away. haha. so where am i gonna go? i don't even know anymore. i know my shoes and i have been places .. places that i wasn't supposed to be at .. and looking at some of them now, they carry the memories for me and never have to say a word. in the end, i guess, maybe that's what really matters. i don't want this conflict, i'm really bad at having to deal with it. but who knows, maybe that's my option. just work with it. everything isn't as complicated as it seems. just like white dunks. they're not complicated. right? wow, where am i going with this now? haha. everything will be okay, i'll just tell myself, and my sneakers will still be clean. hooray. i think i just want to go out and stand in the sun with a pair of my shoes.

i went out last friday and had a good time. haha. i even got to eat outside for the first time.. i always wanted to do that, and even though i was kind of freezing, it was really nice. yay. =) sometimes, my parents surprise me with the leniency they have with me .. which is partially what makes this situation really delicate. because, part of me doesn't have as much of a case to present now because they say that 'well, you can't complain about not being able to go out because we let you go out.' and then, i'm out, and the rules aren't there to scare me anymore .. because there's no one to tell me no. that's what my best friend jackie was telling me .. it's like, there's no voice to tell you no sometimes, and you think you know everything, but then realize the stupid things you were doing that you didn't think you could do but did and now you're learning from it all. argh, something like that. haha. if i'm lucky .. maybe i'll get to drive this weekend. and go to a party. yes? no? geez, i think i need to keep myself occupied again so that i don't think about things. it really helped this morning because i just cleaned the kitchen. haha.
now, on a less complex and enigmatic note, i'm glad the weather has finally stabilized within the past couple of days. the sunshine really does make me feel better .. clear my mind .. and just brighten things for me. summer session starts in about a week for me .. and i kind of want to enjoy this fantastic weather. i don't really have any plans.. maybe it's time for me to be slightly spontaneous and take lovely joyrides with mary and whoever wants to come. yes, gas is high, but come on. let's enjoy life, as my dad would say. =) i miss my friends. i haven't seen them since school .. and i'm getting kind of lonely. going to asian food and etc. can only get you so far. haha. well anyways, i think i'm tired of writing. sorry if my entry didn't make a lot of sense. it always sounds more comprehensible in my head. okay lovers and friends .. till next time

<3 to:
jackie; oh you know i can't wait until las vegas. i'm too excited =D
joe aka jopapa; i think she's really poison now. haha.
eddie; thanks! =) yeah, the semi was pretty short. don't worry, i'll keep writing for a long time. keep reading too ^_^