i live a miserable life

hello. do you like my layout? i finally changed it. it's been a while since i updated my site .. mainly because my computer broke for a week and i couldn't really do anything but sit around like a dork. i finally got it fixed, thanks to my friend tim, the computer master, and now i'm back online. i hope you like teen titans because i do, i think they're so awesome even though i can't watch them all the time anymore. i like this picture of raven and robin -- even though starfire is really robin's partner in this story, this was still a really cute picture. but anyways .. since i'm on my site, and since it is mine, i can say whatever i want. and i have a few grievances i wish to share with my faithful public.

first of all -- i live a miserable life. now, i was explaining this to everyone, especially tim while he was fixing my computer .. just because i live a miserable life does not mean that i am miserable. actually, i try to be as positive as i can for about 75% of my time. the other 25%, well, let's just say it's not a pretty sight. but anyways, my life is pretty miserable. compared to other 18 and a half year olds, heck, even some 14 year olds live more exciting lives than i do. every day i either stay home all day and do nothing or i'm working 8 hours a day. 8 hours in what can be considered as retail hell. i haven't been on vacation since the summer after my sophomore year, and even then i went on a boring cruise to nova scotia. when i want to go somewhere with my friends -- a rarity, probably happens once a month -- i have to plan for it 2 weeks in advance, and when i stay out past 12 i get yelled at [actually, more of a deafening silence.] i have a nice car in my driveway and a full license [which means i can drive out anytime i want] and i'm not allowed to drive anywhere. seriously, i can only drive to school [rutgers, which is 20 mins away] or the mall [which is 15 mins away]. so when i go out, i have to seriously plan on how to get there and home and back and everywhere because i can't drive anywhere while my car takes up space in the driveway. people don't really ask me anymore to go out with them because they know that i'm not allowed to go anywhere. and everytime my gracious, loving friends [seriously, they are like the best people in the whole entire world] go out of their way to pick me up and take me places, i feel bad that they had to go through all this trouble. just for me. just for this one stupid person. sometimes it makes me feel so bad that i want to cry, and then i get scolded at for crying.
sometimes i try to convince myself that it's okay that i'm always home, that it's okay that i never go out. that it's okay that i don't have a social life. but really sometimes it really hurts that i can't be like normal people who have fun and enjoy the company of other human beings. like i make up excuses for myself like 'i don't have any money anyway' or 'i would probably not have fun anyway' but would i really know unless i try? and then my mom tries to make it all better and thinks that well, i didn't go out with my friends, so i might as well go out with her to some stupid place like the super market or the department store. i mean i love my parents and all but i've been hanging out with them as if they were like 18 year olds and we don't even go anywhere fun because they're so boring sometimes. i can't take it anymore.. sometimes i wish i could just run away and escape for a day, a week, a month, a year .. even just a minute .. just to feel like what it is to have some sort of fun.
and then i think to myself, when i have kids, what will i do? will my kids be as scared of me as i am of my parents? or will they rebel, and actually experience what it feels like to be a teenager. i don't even have those kinds of memories of taking roadtrips and doing stupid stuff and wasting money like young people do. sometimes i wish i was stupid so that i could just do whatever instead of being smart and studying all the time and planning for my future. but what future? how do i grow up? i don't even know what it feels like to be a kid. i feel so trapped, just staying here all the time. because i know that life is all about taking risks. but i haven't taken any.. how will i ever know? i feel like i've missed out on so many things just because i listened to my parents. do they even trust me? at all? i mean what have i done, am i some kind of serial killer? am i a felony arsonist or a felony thief or something? for crying out loud, i'm not even bad like martha stewart and she's under house arrest.
i want to see the world .. i know that there's so many things out there waiting for me. i knew i should have listened to my cousins to go away, far far away, when i chose a college. i knew i shouldn't have stayed here. but i love my friends, and i love the people i go to school with, so what am i to do? i wonder if my parents know what they are doing to me. i wonder if they know how trapped i feel in here. are they just too scared? scared that i might die, die tragically in some kind of random accident? so i should just wait ? wait until i'm too old to do anything? my youth is just slipping away.

now recently, i got a job at the mall. now i always wondered about working at the mall.. so many people do it, so why can't i? but little did i know that working at the mall is rough. the music keeps playing and slowly it's brainwashing me. it's always busy, and it just sucks sometimes. the racks are overflowing with clothes, some clothes that are just too ugly for a normal person to wear. and some people can just be so obnoxious when they don't get what they want. and people can be so sloppy too, they just put things like they don't even know what they're doing and then they wonder why it's so messy all the time. come on now ! i only have 2 hands for crying out loud. and i don't know what the problem is about wearing sneakers, everyone wears them, and mine are so cute. sometimes i think my coworkers hate me because i'm a bobo at this [lol this is the one thing i'm stupid at] and i'm still trying to learn. sometimes people can be so lazy and then they wonder why there's so many things left to do. and i promise never to take advantage of sales people and try on 20 different outfits and not get any of them. that just sucks. but i mean, i need to stick it out, because money is money, and i need the retail experience if i want a better job.

and all in all, that's i think about it.. i don't know what to say, sometimes i just feel so crappy. but hey, that's me. i hope you all have a nice day. peeeeeeace ..

oh yeah shoutouts go to CF and Christine for being awesome. =)