dim all the lights, sweet darlin

so so so, it's time for finals week and reading days and the end of the fall semester and i'm doing what i do best -- absolute procrastination! ha! and i thought it would be a good time to blog right now about everything i am feeling and to see how long of an entry i can write. tomorrow is reading day and i should effectively be using that day to study morning to night, for my 4 finals coming up. oh man, i am just so tired of all the studying. the crappy weather we've been having doesn't make it any better -- it just dropped 20 degrees today here in the jerz and it's going to be "periods of heavy rain" tomorrow. man. i have recently been feeling the residual complication of life and all i can do is just stand back and let it all swallow me up like a giant whale of some sort. 

i was reading my friend renee's blog about her life, and her questions about career choices, and of course if you're a frequent reader i always have questions about my career choice because it's the long stretch and it's getting just annoying and as sam puts it bluntly, "i want out." after all, it's not like we have a choice anymore. i've got 1.5 years left! that's it! 

plus renee was talking about some stuff about her love life and i started to think about my love life too. it's pretty crazy because sam and i always reminisce about how crappy everything was when we were in 3rd year [P1] and i was just sad all the time because i couldn't handle the fact that charles and i were fighting all the time. and i mean all the time. it was getting to the point that sam suggested that charles and i break up for the sake of my mental well being. for some reason i thought it was a good idea to stick it out, and now we're like happy like roses. well ..

today i called charles after work [because sometimes i just have an incessant desire to call him as if he is crack and i'm a crack head] assuming he was home, but then he text back to me saying he was in new york for some seminar. say what? since when? exactly. that is what i was thinking. but he insisted that he told me, which clearly he did not, i tend to remember large details like you know, where charles is going to be. and then i got a little mad inside because he didn't tell me. and then i had an epiphany. sam asked me today how did everything magically turn around from the brink of the end of the relationship to happy roses. and i remembered. because all the times i would get mad charles would think that they are petty which of course would make me even more mad. therefore ..

ang is mad ==> charles makes ang feel petty ==> ang gets more mad ==> charles still does not understand and gets more mad ==> fighting ensues ==> ang cries ==> ang tries to make charles cry to no avail ==> ang feels guilty and cries some more

 .. and that was a summary of my 3rd year in pharmacy school.. ha. but my epiphany was that we both came to a mutual understanding ..

ang gets mad ==> ang tries to get over it ==> charles asks what is wrong  

and either:

ang cries  ==> charles apologizes  

or 

ang says forget about it [usually this one] ==> charles tries to be nicer

issue suppressed/resolved, life moves on

and so the whole fighting thing gets avoided. 

of course i still have my moments when the forget about it thing doesn't work [like now] and i get upset and i blog about it. [3rd option.] obviously, there are always issues that tend to bother me that i don't really mention online -- hey, you never know who reads this stuff -- that recur but have to be suppressed for the sake of, well, saving the world. just kidding. well, saving my world. my imaginary world. sometimes i think relationships are too complicated, but it would be silly to give up on one that is humming along.. after all, would you throw away a dependable car, or a fixed plate from the plate store, or your favorite american apparel track jacket? of course not.

of course maybe this is all a result of the fact that i have time on my hands that i am gleefully wasting away by writing in my blog. hahaha.