i wanna be living for the love of you

there are days when i contemplate the mysteries of life .. i think about how the sun shines, how it sets so late when it's summer .. how it feels so good to go for an evening drive .. i don't understand a lot of things, i know a lot of people don't either .. and it's usually about the same things, the same things that drive television, and the world, and weblogs, and stories that people write ..
on the way home today i heard the song "for the love for you" by the isley brothers. it was such a beautiful sunset that was happening as i was driving .. it was nice, and peaceful. and i felt like i was 20 years old .. for the first time in a while .. halfway through the year before my 21st birthday. sometimes i surprise myself with the risks i'm willing to take .. sometimes you hear things from people, and you think that, never in your life would you do certain things, but then you do them .. and you turn around and think, wow, was that really me? where was my head at! but then it's like .. that was another experience, another milestone that you've done. another .. well, thing you could check off your list that you could say you did. after all, at least you could say, you tried. you tried to do it! even if it didn't work out the way you thought it would. sometimes it's better, sometimes not. and sometimes, i think, everyone has that side of them that they're suppressing.
so hard, i feel, people try to convince themselves that they've been the same person they've always been. that through everything they've been through, it hasn't fazed them. but as much as i wish i could believe in that, i now know that it's not true. i think that, people can still feel the same way about things -- you can still like the same colors, movies, people, tv, and etc.. but the way the world works, the way other people work, it changes you, even if you're not willing to admit it out front. i know for a fact i'm not the same girl i was 5, 10 years ago. i think if my former self were to talk to my present self, she would be sorely disappointed. but i think not everything has gone to hell, as much as people change, paradoxically, oxymoronically, whatever, there are still parts that remain the same. yes! a cliche! i know! but still. i think part of me refuses to give up on some of the dreams that i've always had. the dream to have a happy marriage, to be finacially stable, have a successful career, and have kids.
life would always be easier if nothing changed, of course. but i think realizing that change is inevitable is a big step. you can say it as much as you want to, out loud, in your head, to try and get the notion straight. but then, when that moment hits you, the moment where you realize that you've really changed again at this point in your life, that is when the real fun begins.

<3 to my best friend jackie, the one and only..

the end.