don't forget to breathe

you know.. for as far as i can remember .. with everything i've done people have always reminded me, "don't forget to breathe!" when i was learning how to swim at the Y the swim instructor would teach us how we needed to breathe to our side when we were learning the freestyle. when i used to take voice lessons [yes, a little known fact about angelica: she used to be a singer. haha] my voice teacher JP would always tell me, "don't forget to take a breath here." and when i was in orchestra, the conductor would remind the string instsruments, "don't forget to breathe with the wind section" -- something about how it would make us all come together on cue. and then when i was on the track team i would be running and running with my teammates and the coach would see us and would tell us, "don't forget to breathe! in through your nose! out through your mouth!" and through all of those moments .. you're made aware of some unconscious process that you usually take for granted. were i really not breathing? because i thought about it and if i really wasn't breathing then i'd probably be dead. i guess they were just trying to remind me to relax and stay calm.. versus hyperventilating, panicking, and/or missing my cue. lol.
even though it's only been the first couple of weeks of the semester, i feel like i'm suffocating already. every day i just keep going through the classes and i don't know where to take my breath of air. it's like the time i took this long dive into a pool on vacation one time.. and i look up through my googles and i see the surface of the air -- it's so close .. but those couple of seconds that i'm under water are the longest seconds of my life because i can feel the need to get some oxygen. every semester i think that .. maybe this semester will be okay and maybe it'll be the one where i'll chill and have a good time. but i just go and go and there are moments where i just want to break down and cry.. cry and tell them that maybe i've had enough for today .. let's come back when i'm good and ready again. but there seems to be no time when i'm good and ready. there are days when i'm by myself studying at home and i sit there at the table .. and i realize how much stuff i have due that week. and it hits me .. hits me like a brick or like a gunshot in the air -- i'm overwhelmed. and i don't know what to do .. i don't even know if my time management skills are effective enough .. if i'm studying hard enough, if i'm paying attention enough, if i've learned enough to competently pass my exam with flying colors and correctly run the procedure of my lab .. and i have the sense of panic come over my body and give me a massive headache that tylenol couldn't cure.
and then i wish for a break -- i wish to get out and do something .. anything, really, just to relieve the pressure. but at the same time i feel guilty .. guilty that i could have used the time to study some minute thing that i might have missed. this week was the whole, rush week of the greek organizations at rutgers. and it made me think of how uninvolved i was at school. but at the same time .. the panic comes and i think that it wouldn't be feasible for me because i need to get this grade and maintain this GPA. people in college tell me that the GPA doesn't matter as much anymore .. just passing is all you need .. just passing is hard enough. but something internally built inside of me is screaming to get that A, encoded deep within the depths of my brain. i want straight A's in college .. i want to be able to prove it to myself that i'm still the same academically capable person i was in grammar school and high school. and yet, with all of this drive and desire to be at the top, i still lack the motivation i'm looking for. i don't know what's throwing me off more in my quest for academic superiority -- the heaviness of my 4 day schoolweek, or the massiveness of this stupid 2-credit lab class that i fear every day of the week.
i guess with everything going on in school in pharmacy maybe i really do need a break. and i think i need a reminder that i really am smart .. i mean, i got into rutgers pharmacy, didn't i!? and i still have my scholarship, don't i!? i'm just scared that everything's going to get the best of me, and i really don't want that to happen. i don't know what to do with myself anymore .. i feel like a part of me is getting ripped to shreds. or maybe i just need a hug. lol. and another pineapple smoothies from i's cafe ..

ps.// i love my new weird valentine's day sneakers. =)
pps.// i don't have a valentine. =[ (with the exception of my friend tim, who designated himself as the official friend-valentine. lol.)
ppps.// another happier update soon. ^_^

<3 to: kicksaholic, who left me a comment on another entry; marielle, who i am going to take clubbing when she's legal; and jackie, my best friend who thought of filipino-cultural-dancing-inspired lingerie. hahaha ..

peeeeeeace lovers. =)