you only live once // for the night

well hello everyone out there! wow, i was surprised by all the comments -- i never knew people liked to read my contemplations on life. so with that positive feedback, i guess i should write another one. haha. of course it helps that i have something to write about. =)
+ and this entry is partially dedicated to my homeslice and the stilleto-queen babae

so anyways, these past couple of days have been slightly eventful .. more eventful than people realize, but hey that's life for you. lol.
on thursday it was my homeslice christine's 20th birthday .. haha yeah she's making me look real old since you know i still have a month to go before i hit 19. haha. we had a small celebration in the CAC student center .. it was really funny because people were staring at us while we sang happy birthday to her with lit candles atop a brownie mountain. luckily the sprinkler above us didn't go off from the smoke. haha. and it was nice to have lunch with a whole bunch of people talking about stupid shit -- especially about sex songs. [lol ask gillian about them because she knows a ton. =P] it made me realize how important it is for people to get together often .. you don't often notice how you lose touch with people and we often take our friendships for granted .. eating lunch with my favorite people on thursdays definitely made for a way better semester than if i was eating all alone. haha. i hope next semester i get to chill with these people again. and if not, we're gonna make time dammit. =) and also, i realized how much i'm going to miss my ethics classmates .. they're all so funny, and so unlike pharmacy .. it makes me glad i take the most random electives. "too much metal!" lol. and now i have methods of which to analyze my life. and which i'm probably going to use here. ahh philosophy. it's great.

on friday, i officially gave my 2 weeks notice for my job @ esprit , my weekend eater. i guess with everything that's going on in school and all the crap i have to deal with there, i felt like i was taking another college course in addition to the 16-17 credits i have to deal with everyday. it stresses me out how seriously they really want me to take this job. i mean, come on, it's retail. if people don't want to buy it, i shouldn't have to cry about why shit's not selling in the store. ugh.. and my co-worker amira quit too .. it was pretty ironic and funny because we're about the same [18-19 year old college students who look young] and we just quit within 2 weeks of each other. yeahh .. i really don't feel like i belong sometimes and it's such a hard change when you pretend to be a 30 year old and people still think you're in high school. wow. but then again, when i was at work, i felt like i was kind of going to miss it, because most of my co-workers are chill people except for you-know-who. ["she's a mess!" hahaha] but oh wells, i believe things happen for a reason, and hopefully some miracle of fate will lead me to something better.

yesterday, i had work and afterwards i did some major partying with my favorite people. and for one night, i was a rebellious, apathetic, dangerous, pushing-the-boundaries, staying-out-too-late broke-ass teenager like so many others have been in my generation -- with the exception of me breaking the mold about 4 years late. haha. and i did come home way too late. haha. i mean, i don't party a lot--"if you know me, you're probably thinking, wow, angelica? come home later than late? yeah right!" but i did, and wow, it sure was fun. christine and i noticed how it's like i'm more conservative than gillian but i have more leeway than she does when we go out. pretty weird, huh? of course, this was the first time in a long time that my parents were pretty heated when i came home .. my mom said to me when i walked into the bathroom @ 345am: "why did you come home? you should have stayed at wherever you were at 4am." granted, i bet she was really really tired [my parents try and do the staying-up-late contest to see who can stay up the latest until i come home] and when i called and entered they wouldn't pick up the phone so i had to let myself in. and as i could feel her negativity and heatness amidst her groggy demeanor.. yeah i felt pretty bad about staying out that late. honestly i know how it must feel to wonder where your kid is, wandering around out way past midnight -- plus it doesn't help that i'm the only one. once i took gabe to a session at rutgers [=x] and his dad called me asking where he was. now at the moment i left gabe there to fend and i had no idea whether he made it to the session or not. and like the slick kids we are we did some beguiling to get around some things. for a hot minute i got so worried -- i was scared that maybe gabe got butt raped and he was in a ditch at rutgers. and i felt so enlightened -- wow, this is how my parents must feel when i'm out chillen with the homies at this time. hmmm. but then i also think that -- we only live once:
while i was in ethics class we learned about how maybe it's not good to try and be moral all the time because it leads to some unattractive characteristics. so i was wondering, so does this mean it's good to be bad? hmmm. maybe. haha. when i was young my godsisters used to tell me that i had to be a little bad to have a little fun. and now, "mature" and "wise" as i am now, i realize the truth in it all. for so many years i have tried to please my parents -- not only with grades, but also politely refusing requests to go out because i was afraid they would get mad -- and sadly missing out on a lot of what would have been fun experiences. but since i'm older now, and "responsible" .. i think they're learning that it's okay to let their over-protected young daughter to experience life, make mistakes, and live like an americanized filipino -- after all, i call, pick up the phone, and i do come home, late as it may be. i know my older cousins have done worse shit in 2 years of their lives than i have pulled in all my years in high school and my 1.5 years of college. even mary and gabe have done worse shit than i have. =X and they sure as hell turned out okay. so in conclusion, i guess i'm not in the running to be a moral saint. =P
and when we were at the club last night christine and i saw these wrinkly 40-year old ladies trying to get their groove on with all the 18-mid 20 year olds. and i told christine, "when we get to that age remind me that we're not going to go clubbing anymore." i kind of felt embarrassed for them, and plus, it didn't help that they were wasted beyond belief. so i thought that.. yeah, i really need to get my clubbing time out of the way while i'm still young&fresh. haha. how many times am i going to be 18, 19, 21.. and dance and actually look hot doing it. lol .. i want to be able to say to my kids, "yeah i did body rolls .. this is how me and your titas danced when we used to hit up the clubs." and not tell them about how their grandma and grandpa wouldn't let me do shit. so at least, you know, i have some kind of perogative when i'm up their ass telling them they can't go. cuz i've been there. damn straight! hahaha .. i guess my life isn't really as miserable as i tell people -- i get out, and when i do, it's pretty fricken spectacular. kind of like one of those one night only deals. and clubbing is definitely one of those things that you can only do once every couple of months .. staying out way too late is definitely a killer on the system. plus, it's hard to find a good clubbing crowd -- since stephen and jason from laguna beach were there, there were all these white trash girls thinkin they were the shit. ewwww .. it was pretty grimy. that and i'm kind of sick of hearing kanye west's song golddigger. but it was still fun -- i mean, $23, i can't let that go to waste. and i think i'm not ready to do another stay out til 4am deals, kids. if i didn't have my contacts on i probably would have fallen asleep. lol. 2-3 am is a pretty ideal time. at this rate, i think my parents should just let me sleep over someone's house. forreals. well i guess i'll just have to wait for another escapade to come. lols .. too bad, i wish i would have ordered some disco fries from the diner. maybe next time ..

and today, i managed to pull my ass out of bed with 4ish hours of sleep and drag my ass to work for a 7 hour workday. now that's what's up right there people. and i studied some orgo and ethics to compensate for my escapade last night -- and to my delight i managed to keep my attention at it for about an hour. ^_^ and i guess that concludes my long ass entry. haha. sorry i didn't put any pictures up with it .. i do have some, but eh, maybe i'll edit this with pictures.
i think i'm going to go watch law&order now. and crossing jordan. and catch up on my sleep. lol. bye bye lovers.

wow, i have a lot of shoutouts to give now. madd niiiiiice ..

shoutouts go to :
eddie / ned -- i must really know it now, huh?`;P thanks for the comment ^_^
bestfriend jackie -- i love this chick. a crackhouse that sells bootleg dunks .. LOL .. oh man
"stiletto-queen babae" gil -- yes that's my new title for you. and i'm glad you enjoyed my entry like some kind of fine piece of literary work. haha. i<3you.
kassy -- i miss you ! i hope school is going well for you =)
jenna -- thanks for the comment! i really appreciate your opinion. i'll definitely let you know about the GNYO. =)

okay bye. =)

this is crap

yeah so .. i had a crappy day today. actually, it wasn't that crappy in the beginning because today is thursday, which means that i get to have lunch with my favorite people. but anyways, yeah so i thought that maybe i could alleviate some of my crap feelings by writing in something that always seems to bring me joy even though it is a complete waste of time. granted, i really should be studying for my social psychology exam -- the last exam i have before my beloved thanksgiving break and the last exam before the end of the world comes -- but as ate mercy said, "if you're all books all the time angie you're gonna go crazy." which is true, but then again .. i've already lost my mind and i'm not as fully immersed in my readings as i should be. geez, i hate reading. it's definitely not fundamental.
so, i'm sitting here, rarely do i actually say my contemplations of life, partially for the most part, i feel like i'm just wasting kilobytes and typing energy saying things that no one would really care to hear. i mean come on, wouldn't you rather hear about how i went out to a "killer party" with my current non-existent boyfriend and all of those life long adventures and stories? of course you would, don't deny it. there's a reasoning within my ethics class -- they call it apriori statements or some shit like that -- it's where you just happen to know things just by "sitting in your arm chair" [as my ethics professor put it] and contemplating about them. well, so yeah, that's what i'm doing, and unless you're one to enjoy learning from others what they think about the meanings of life, or if you're looking for some visual stimulation .. i suggest you scroll downwards because all of that information was given in the previous entry. but anyways ..
so i have truly been contemplating the meanings of life for the past couple of days. i don't even know why, i usually try not to take myself too seriously because then i usually end up misinterpreting something that was really meant to be taken lightly. gillian said to me that apparently i'm lucky to have such a "happy-go-lucky" attitude about things. which is true, she made me realize how i just let things go instead of thinking things through. and i wish i kind of had that happy-go-lucky feeling right about now .. because the whole type A business is not very good. actually, it's too much for me. no wonder they have so many heart problems. but anyways .. now as you know pharmacy -- well i'm in it. haha. but pharmacy is no easy task. actually, it's really really hard. of course you knew that, time and time again i go to my site here and complain about how i can't take it anymore. but i fail to mention that sometimes, i seriously think that i accidentally went into the wrong major. now don't get me wrong, mrs. d'addio is not a faulty advisor for telling me to go into this career field. but everything i feel like doing -- like saving the world, starting a sneaker shop, even working for a drug company at the least -- calls me to be in a different major. but i feel like i can't go .. even though i feel day in and day out that i'm so tired. all these years of people telling me how great i am it's a harsh reality to find out that you're average. i'm starting not to believe in all of the positive statements anymore. am i really going to be making boku bucks after this program? when i was talking to my friend ron he said that it seems like it's everyone else's aspirations except for mine. and sam says .. "it's not 'we can't do it,' it's 'do we want to do it..' " and everyday i feel like this doesn't feel right. and the more wrong it feels for some reason .. the more i want to stay. even if this is the wrong thing i just want to prove to myself that i can be one of those 50-something people who actually make it out of this program alive. and this program is full of a lot of very uptight people who really don't click with my easygoing personality. heck, i don't think this program clicks with my easygoing personality. but then again, i guess college is hard for everyone, not just me, and i think i just have really bad coping mechanisms with stress. or a bad memory when it comes to memorizing facts for school. i think my frustration is reaching an all time high.. higher than it's ever been before .. and i don't even know how to explain it -- i just feel so tired of this grind. yet i'm biting my words that i said in the summer .. complaining about how bored i was from having a lack of something to do. i just wish there wasn't so much pressure about everything ..
when i really think about my life, contrary to what gil says .. when i really really think about my life .. it's really hard for me. because the one time i try and plan for my future, it's too much. i think about graduating, getting a job, then i have to get a house, pay bills, get married, raise some kids -- but what about all the other plans i have for myself? it's hard for me to conceive of giving up things. apparently i'm really being self-centered here. but i guess i have a right, i'm only almost 19 and according to my parents i should only be concerned with myself.

in the end, there is only one thing i know that is certain ..
organic chemistry 307 sucks.
and i need a vacation.

shoutouts to -- jackie, CF, and gil for comments. i love you all.