this is crap

yeah so .. i had a crappy day today. actually, it wasn't that crappy in the beginning because today is thursday, which means that i get to have lunch with my favorite people. but anyways, yeah so i thought that maybe i could alleviate some of my crap feelings by writing in something that always seems to bring me joy even though it is a complete waste of time. granted, i really should be studying for my social psychology exam -- the last exam i have before my beloved thanksgiving break and the last exam before the end of the world comes -- but as ate mercy said, "if you're all books all the time angie you're gonna go crazy." which is true, but then again .. i've already lost my mind and i'm not as fully immersed in my readings as i should be. geez, i hate reading. it's definitely not fundamental.
so, i'm sitting here, rarely do i actually say my contemplations of life, partially for the most part, i feel like i'm just wasting kilobytes and typing energy saying things that no one would really care to hear. i mean come on, wouldn't you rather hear about how i went out to a "killer party" with my current non-existent boyfriend and all of those life long adventures and stories? of course you would, don't deny it. there's a reasoning within my ethics class -- they call it apriori statements or some shit like that -- it's where you just happen to know things just by "sitting in your arm chair" [as my ethics professor put it] and contemplating about them. well, so yeah, that's what i'm doing, and unless you're one to enjoy learning from others what they think about the meanings of life, or if you're looking for some visual stimulation .. i suggest you scroll downwards because all of that information was given in the previous entry. but anyways ..
so i have truly been contemplating the meanings of life for the past couple of days. i don't even know why, i usually try not to take myself too seriously because then i usually end up misinterpreting something that was really meant to be taken lightly. gillian said to me that apparently i'm lucky to have such a "happy-go-lucky" attitude about things. which is true, she made me realize how i just let things go instead of thinking things through. and i wish i kind of had that happy-go-lucky feeling right about now .. because the whole type A business is not very good. actually, it's too much for me. no wonder they have so many heart problems. but anyways .. now as you know pharmacy -- well i'm in it. haha. but pharmacy is no easy task. actually, it's really really hard. of course you knew that, time and time again i go to my site here and complain about how i can't take it anymore. but i fail to mention that sometimes, i seriously think that i accidentally went into the wrong major. now don't get me wrong, mrs. d'addio is not a faulty advisor for telling me to go into this career field. but everything i feel like doing -- like saving the world, starting a sneaker shop, even working for a drug company at the least -- calls me to be in a different major. but i feel like i can't go .. even though i feel day in and day out that i'm so tired. all these years of people telling me how great i am it's a harsh reality to find out that you're average. i'm starting not to believe in all of the positive statements anymore. am i really going to be making boku bucks after this program? when i was talking to my friend ron he said that it seems like it's everyone else's aspirations except for mine. and sam says .. "it's not 'we can't do it,' it's 'do we want to do it..' " and everyday i feel like this doesn't feel right. and the more wrong it feels for some reason .. the more i want to stay. even if this is the wrong thing i just want to prove to myself that i can be one of those 50-something people who actually make it out of this program alive. and this program is full of a lot of very uptight people who really don't click with my easygoing personality. heck, i don't think this program clicks with my easygoing personality. but then again, i guess college is hard for everyone, not just me, and i think i just have really bad coping mechanisms with stress. or a bad memory when it comes to memorizing facts for school. i think my frustration is reaching an all time high.. higher than it's ever been before .. and i don't even know how to explain it -- i just feel so tired of this grind. yet i'm biting my words that i said in the summer .. complaining about how bored i was from having a lack of something to do. i just wish there wasn't so much pressure about everything ..
when i really think about my life, contrary to what gil says .. when i really really think about my life .. it's really hard for me. because the one time i try and plan for my future, it's too much. i think about graduating, getting a job, then i have to get a house, pay bills, get married, raise some kids -- but what about all the other plans i have for myself? it's hard for me to conceive of giving up things. apparently i'm really being self-centered here. but i guess i have a right, i'm only almost 19 and according to my parents i should only be concerned with myself.

in the end, there is only one thing i know that is certain ..
organic chemistry 307 sucks.
and i need a vacation.

shoutouts to -- jackie, CF, and gil for comments. i love you all.