concrete jungle where things are made of

so i have debated whether to trade in my trusty blog here and jump over to the tumblr side because it seems that it's the new cat's meow.. recently i jumped to the twitterverse but i'm not sure it's for me either. i've been meaning to write something substantial in my blog for the longest time, especially since i scheduled myself to blog about every rotation so writing my self reflections would be easier to do - but even that was too much of a committment for me. i went to las vegas earlier this month and contary to my previous ways, i didn't even share it with everyone! how odd, lol. well i guess because partially my trip was about business, and partially i care not to share certain details that would get me in a lot of trouble. i'll remember them, my friends will remember them, and i think it's best to leave it at that.

in regards to my last rotation:

clinicals aren't as bad as everyone makes out them to be. maybe it's because my preceptor was about to get married, maybe it's because the people i was on it with were THE BOMB, or maybe it's because i'm really as good as they think i am -- but all in all i didn't come away with needing a prescription or killing someone. well, there is the issue of my anger management problems in december..

i really did learn a bunch of things on clinical and i really did learn to approach things in a new way. clinicals really showed me how i need to have more confidence in who i am going to be as a pharmacist and how i have to step up my game. i learned how to be angry, i learned how to fight .. i learned how to be strong when i was having my ass handed to me on a daily basis. i learned how to have tulungan with my friends because that is the only way we could survive. i learned how to drive to trenton on 4 hours sleep and 1 cup of coffee and then give a presentation right after. i learned that even though you're right you're still wrong but rarely you do get listened to. and of course, i learned that singing lady gaga and mariah carey is good for relieving stress --as long as your preceptors don't find out. don't ever let them find out. lol. i felt like after my whole clinical experience and what with my new arse holes that i was torn out that maybe i should try out this clinical thing. i might actually be good at it and something positive might come out of it for me. i feel like i thrive in the challenge.

but now, a month later and i'm sitting here trying to apply for 7 programs and i've lost the drive, the reason to keep trying. is it laziness? maybe. but at the same time i feel like my heart really wasn't in it in the first place and now i'm just trying to fill a void that comes with thinking that maybe i'm destined for bigger things and the only way to do that is through doing this residency stuff. when i did my community rotation i really liked it; honestly, i could see myself doing that. it may be stressful at times what with insurance and healthcare reform and billing and all that - but i like talking to people and i like helping them be a better-educated patient. but it's hard. the job market in jersey is terrible right now and i'm graduating at the worst time. viv has a set job after graduation but then again it's viv - she's really good at what she does and her company would be making the biggest mistake if they didn't get her right away. i'm left trying to figure out who i really want to be with this degree. i thought i wanted the fellowship but there is too much ass kissing in that field for me to be really happy. i hate ass kissing. i'm terrible at networking and i don't know squat about professional pearls for doing this and that. don't get me wrong, if you give me a task, i will follow through and i will be the best at what i do. it's who i am. but it's hard to decide who i really want to be. there was a point in time where i wanted to do it all -- i wanted to be the resident, the fellow, the community pharmacist, the medical writer, all at the same time. i could see myself everywhere and now i am nowhere. i have 6 more applications and i am just about to send them just the way they are because tripping over them is just pointless right about now. i sent away my transcripts already hopefully and now it's just time for me to come up with 3 paragraphs why i want to go to this and that program and etc. easy peasy right? chyeahh ..

to sum up my 2009 in a nutshell -- it started off better than it ended. no wait, it started off bleh, transitioned into meh, got better when the semester ended and when i went to nyc, got meh again during clinical, got weeeeeeeeeeeee when i went on break and vegas, and now it's back to bleh. a lot of celebrities died and sam's bf died and all this other stuff happened. i felt like there was more to accomplish but not a lot was accomplished. oh well.

i hope that i start off 2010 on a good note and i hope that everything works out for the best. carlos and lisa are getting married and i'm in the wedding. plus, plus, did i mention graduation. the biggest day of my life. i'm pretty excited about it but you know rutgers and the old screw. i'm crossing my fingers until the day comes. so with everything being said, peace the f out 2009. let's get the naughties behind us.