start spreading the news

you know, sometimes people comment a lot about how " *fake* " other people are. now i'm not trying to call anyone out, there are too many people who do this, but i tend to wonder, maybe they're calling me out. because sometimes i feel a little fake. maybe i'm trying to claim responsibility and take things too personally, but i don't understand it. sure, it's not nice, or fair, to pretend to act for show. or to play along when you are really trying to hide your distaste or insincerity. but at the same time, i catch myself doing it. doing it to save face or to be politically correct.

sometimes, i think we have to be a little fake. after all, i think the world would be quite harsh if everyone was as real as real pie. even the nice people. i'm sure even the nicest person wants to curse off someone. i personally would i find it difficult for anyone to like me if i went around telling people how i honestly think they are the worst person in the world or how much their fake tan sucks. [because it really does suck!] really, do i want to be in that mess? i know it's such high school drama. and it's obvious when you sense the tone in the person's voice. well, sometimes.

like i said i do admit "faking" things sometimes to be politically correct. [i'm not talking orgasms, people, get your mind out of the gutter! hah joke] my cousin jenn said that it's something that runs in our family, LOL. not that i'm saying that my family is a bunch of fake people and that you can't trust us. on the contrary. we are very honest people and we feel what we feel and say what we say. i find my family to be very trustworthy.

but don't tell me you haven't put on a straight face when you saw someone you didn't like. or smiled so plastic just to convince them that "yes, you really do like them!" "no, it's okay! i'm not irritated!" i know i have. plenty of times. even when i sooooo didn't like the person, or the situation, or i was just very ANNOYED. i guess i do it to avoid conflict. because i can't stand conflict. and don't tell me you haven't told someone to keep a secret because you didn't want another person to know, and you continue faking along this charade of blissful ignorance to avoid a messy situation. sometimes, even trust is built on the ability to well, be fake, in a way.

so i know, you don't like fake people. i get it. i also don't appreciate insincerity when i encounter it. but sometimes, when you call them out, i hope you're not being a hypocrite about it.

over futile odds, and laughed at by the gods

i have an hour before my ID class starts.
you know, the class that i just completely got an almost-F in.
yes, i admit it. i am telling the world, right now, i got a 60 on my ID exam.
yesterday i was trying really, really, really hard not to let it get to me because i have an exam today.
and an exam tomorrow.

but i couldn't help it.

i cried. again.

i know, i'm such a baby. i shouldn't be crying, i'm a P2 or whatever the hell i'm supposed to call it. 4th year. same thing. this isn't the first time i got an almost-F [it happened last semester too, hah] but i can't help it.
i know, it's only the first exam. i have 3 more chances to do something right. i know. it's not the end of the world. but then why do i have this feeling of impending doom?

yesterday in med chem the professor was trying to do his best to inspire us, saying how "during graduation there is a line of faculty who applaud you while you are getting your diploma." it felt like a pep talk before "the big game." as if we were going to war.

war, with drugs. antibiotics, etc.

last week i got a similar inspirational talk in my pharmacology class too --

it's as if the professors are trying to make sure that we don't go suicidal and try and kill ourselves. or do something rash -- something that could potentially harm ourselves.

somehow i don't know if it's really helping to give us pep talks like that. soemtimes i feel like it just makes it worse -- as if they are just rubbing it in our faces the fact that we are suffering.

there are days where i am amazed by how far i've made it in this program but i'm still so far away from the goal. sometimes i don't know what i did to get here, because i feel like i haven't learned a damn thing in the past 4 years.

there are times when i want to give up so bad. i just want to leave.

but i can't. it's like i'm trapped.

i desperately want a vacation. i want to get out of here, out of this mess that i got myself in.

i should be studying for my exam tonight .. i should always be studying when i'm not, but i don't care. not right now. not while i'm trying to hold on to the last bit of sanity that i have left.

on a one to ten she's a certified twenty, but that just ain't me

yo, so lemme get out my semi-ghetto speak for this entry. i'm seeeerious, yo. it's that serious!

okay so first i was watching the challenge game show or whatever on channel 12 .. and i saw bishop ahr was competing! yeah so i don't know anyone anymore at that school -- my generation has up and graduated already -- but i was cheering for them! too bad the mother f'in pingry beat them. like dags. i knew it was because we don't learn that much random shit at bga.

and then today i was talking with my homie and i had some kind of frickin age life crisis or some shit! like damn, i was like, shit, how old am i!?! homie's brother christian is gonna be f'in 18 like for serious. FOR SERIOUS! i frickin met that kid when he was still small like 10 years old! daaags! iono what had haaappened! dags! i was like, i thought i was still at bishop ahr or somethin! man! and frickin her cousins alexa and zandrea [is that how you spell it?] are 15 and 6 [respectively going to be] and alexa's frickin in bishop ahr now!!!! like what the f is that! i still remember when she was 6 or 7 and writing me cute letters! i bet she doesn't even remember me anymore. that's okay. i am too old to be getting letters from baby cousins of my friends. haha. i am just sayin, where did my time go? dags, i still remember being at bishop ahr and writing in my xanga and shit. dags. i looked at my old xanga entries and it was serious! mary said xanga was a whole other lifetime. yeah, you right you right! i mean even know blogger is another slice of my life that i'm lookin at. i bet that when i read these entries years from now i might be kicking myself. i know i've grown up and shit but dags! high school was that long ago?! wtf .. LOL. so then i was like, on the website of bishop ahr and it all is like high tech and shit now and it's like, damn! that was a start up when i graduated! like what is that! sewing club!? wish i got that shit! i prolly woulda went to fashion school if i had that shit going on. forreeeals

yo i used to think that things happened for a reason or some junk like that, cause like, you know, i thought that maybe 9/11 happened so i could meet johan or whatever. and maybe that's true and maybe it's not, but it's like dags!

sometimes charles and i discuss about how we led parallel lives in high school and had mutual friends but we never really took the opportunity to talk and get to know each other and shit like that. cause you know i was like almost bff at one point with chris his bro bro and i din even know there was a such thing as charles. like dags! i din even talk to charles until college! and then i'm like yeah i think it was better that way because i was way too tryna be ghetto or some shit like that nah meean. charles is not ghetto except he listens to biggie smalls and tupac but he says "they got shot and died." LOL. he would think i was a loser. at least that is what i think he would be thinking but then like back when i was a total facebook stalker before lent i saw mad corny pictures of charles. hell yeah, we both are mature or whatevs now. yeah!

anyways, i guess my ghetto speak is over. chyeah back to pharm/poison/med chem!

ricochets off the moon and sets the forest ablaze

today is ash wednesday.

today i have to give up eating meat, fast, and do all things catholic.
today, i have given up facebook, social networking, youtube, wikipedia, and looking up dumb stuff on the internet to fulfill my curiosities. [well, except i looked up the lupe fiasco lyrics for the title of this post.]
today, i bombed my med chem quiz that i intended on studying for on sunday, monday, and tuesday - but i instead successfully wasted all of those days watching the superbowl, doing that mr. pharmacy bull, and going to new york while subsequently spending the evening with charles doing absolutely nothing productive.

then again, tuesday was mardi gras; maybe i can use that as an excuse. the excuse for my superfluous amount [i'm not going to call it a waste, because time enjoyed wasted is actually time well spent] of studying time that i instead used to hang out and be young and reckless.

but no, today, today is ash wednesday. the day for the beginning of my self-sacrifice. i'm not gonna say that i'm magically going to get my act together with this studying thing just because today is ash wednesday. i highly doubt that. but maybe, for the sheer fact that i come to believe that i hope to accomplish something today -- maybe i'll actually do something studious.

midterm time is soon approaching and i dread it - this semester i have had more information jammed down my throat in the past 3 weeks than i have ever had in any first 3 weeks of the past semesters i've had. i didn't have any introductory week. no, "welcome class, let's introduce you to this topic. let's talk about it."

no. instead i get "LEARN THIS BITCH -- NOW"
how's that for higher education?

in my previous experience i tend to bomb anything medchem related - i don't do well with sheer memorizing and i'm still trying to hold onto what semblance of a young life i have. i'm just too lazy, too tired, to stay here, and study, and accomplish anything. i have no motivation. who am i staying here for? i guess i should take a clue from andy who stays late studying on campus.

but it's a lonely existence - bookworming it up in the library.

honestly i don't think the material is the only thing that makes 4th year [P2] hard. i think it's a mental challenge - being able to handle and balance school and fun and everything in between.

for the past couple of weeks my mom has been on my case about going out on the weekdays.
i know she has a point, but then again, where's the slack i get for being young? i don't know.

anyways, again i have successfully spent studying time in exchange for mental stability. i feel it was time well spent.

♥ to my best in the world, jackie :)

i don't really care we can have it anywhere kind of love

forever was a minute, and eternity was a second ..

i only got away with taking this picture because charles was tipsy .. LOL