maybe i'm feelin' myself too much i guess

everyone always wants what they can't have.

there were a bunch of people who wanted to be in my pharmacy program back when i was a freshman -- i guess the prospect of a secure job and future was enticing to a bunch of people .. like i've been saying, i fell into pharmacy unexpectedly and blindly, but since i'm in it i might as well finish what i've started.

when i was in high school, the fr3sh dance troupe had just started up and everyone was dying to be in it. heck, i even tried out once and i have the grace of limp bird. everyone wanted to be in it because if you were in it, everyone knew you .. you always looked fabulous dancing on the stage, wearing the flashy semi-coordinated-yet-still-shreddedly-individualistic outfits. it was the top of social networking before tila tequila took over myspace.

recently i have to admit, i tried out for the annual super asian fashion show that they hold here at rutgers. i mainly did it for fun, and because my group of friends in pharmacy school were overly excited about trying out for it. there was a part of me deep down inside that knew that my chances of making it in were slim -- like i said, i have the grace of a limp bird and i am more unfashionable than ugly betty. however, i still wanted to make it. after all, no one likes rejection.

the tryout for the fashion show was complicated like america's next top model .. i swear, it was worse than trying out for tyra and ms. j alexander. shit, it's not like i was up for an elite modeling agency contract. i wouldn't even get paid to be in this fashion show [if i had made it.]
this one lady who came in to "teach" the runway "walk" was way too intense -- no offense, but she was acting like this was the john galliano dior fashion show. and you don't even have to teach those girls how to walk the way she was trying to teach us how to walk. like damn! [sorry, but she was scary!]

sadly, i didn't make it into the fashion show. the guy who called me had such great timing --
as i was walking from the student center to my exam room my cell phone rings. mind you i'm in this zone because i'm already having an anxiety attack that i might fail my med chem exam.

"hello, is this angelica?"
"yeah.."
"hi, i'm just calling to inform you that unfortunately, you have not been selected to be in the china nite fashion show. out of a pool of ### candidates, only ## were chosed, and unfortunately, you weren't one of them .. [continues on and on ]
"uhhuh, uhuh, okay .."

in my head i was like, cut the bullcrap, i didn't make it. sugar coating it doesn't help.

now of course, like i said, i can't have this, and for a slight moment, [okay maybe not that slight because after all, i am blogging about this] i really did want it. i wanted to feel like i could prove myself as if i was still in high school. like i could be one of those girls who everyone in a certain interconnected network knew [i hesitate to use the term popular, because there are varying degrees of popularity -- someone could be popular in one circle and a virtual unknown in the next] but as history tends to repeat itself, i was once again an awkward individual excluded from an elite membership.

i didn't cry about it though, because this isn't the first time i've been shafted. heck, i get shafted every day in pharmacy school. [did you hear about my 4 week hospital rotation?!? helllerrrrr] and plus, isabella was just born so how could i be sad when such a cute baby has come into my life. i did my best to try to think of everything i've been blessed with -- school, my family, friends, charles .. so the pity didn't last for that long.

not everyone has the opportunity to go to school and not everyone has the opportunity to have godchildren and nieces and nephews. some people get excited when they have 1 for the first time -- i'm up to about 3. [plus isabella, she's my newest niece] i'm pretty lucky that i have a bunch of kids calling, "ninang angie! ninang angie!" people usually tell me, "i wish i could have godchildren."

to which i often respond, "hahahaha .. well you don't have to buy presents for them"
just kidding of course, i'm so happy to be ninang-status.

some people don't have the opportunity to fall in love and others have fallen out of it.
some people want to fall in love.

some people don't have the brains that other people have

i'm lucky that charles and i are still together. lol.

as much as people try and try to be something they're not, or try to get things that they think will make them into who they want to be, or hang out with people who they think will get them to where they want to go ..

i think we tend to forget who we really are inside.. since we're too busy trying to be someone else.

i don't know if i'll ever have the model stature that tyra has, or that alessandra ambrosio has.
i don't know if i'll ever dance like people do in california.
maybe i don't have the right attitude, or personality, or "fierce" or whatever they call it.
maybe i was never meant to model for some chinese fashion show.. or any fashion show.

i think i have to stop wishing of trying to one up everyone, and instead just be happy where i am right now.

i think i'm going to go to bed, good night!