if you ask me i'll deny

so easily i can snap. i feel like it still hurts even though i thought i was over it already. but i don't even know what my problem is .. i thought that venting would help, i thought telling some of my friends would help, but it still doesn't. it still eats me up inside. i'm so distracted, i can't focus on pharmacology, i feel like i've given up on studying. i don't know what it is. in my head, i know it's unreasonable -- i know that i'm being unreasonable. but my heart still hurts. it still aches. and it's not because of charles, because when i think of him i smile and all i can recall are the warm memories of him. he gets severely irritated because sometimes i tend to snap at him, the poor guy, unknowing of what he did, or what's bothering me.

and lucky for him, it's not him. [joke]

i don't know why it continues to bother me. mary and i had our bonding time today, and sometimes it takes mary to talk me out of being unreasonable.. she said, "it's not their fault. you can't be mad at them. be mad at the fact .." and she's right. very right. i would say completely right, but like i said, part of me refuses to accept it. i'm trying to force all of me to accept it, so that maybe i could finally move on with my life and study for my damn exam. but it won't go away .. but then again maybe i'm rushing things and i'm not giving things enough time or i'm not giving myself enough time to let it go. this isn't the first time i've felt this way about things, and before it was easier to let it go. i don't know what's making it harder this time around to let it go, maybe it's a combination of stress and frustration. it gets frustrating and tiring to deal with the every day sometimes. mary said that it'll all pay off one day .. that failure ends up in success because i'm ang and ang doesn't fail. i was happy to drive on the turnpike today.

though sometimes being in such an organized program does have its shining moments, especially when you know that you're not alone. it's always hard to realize that your path takes you on a different route that you first intended. i know that haterade is not good for my system. it's just so easy to be focused on one point of view .. to consistently be on the inside looking out, feeling like no one could understand the pain, the torture, the frustration, the everything. i always have the desire to get away, and i think it was more about being able to get away than to actually get away. i wanted to prove -- prove that i had something worth anything. i keep holding on to the fact that whatever it is i have is worth something .. and it probably is worth more than i'm crediting it.

people say that the value of one's life is measured more by the friends and the family that one has -- that those relationships, those lessons learned are more valuable than anything materialistic, hedonistic, in the world. that maybe one person in your life could be worth more than everything you could wish you had. sometimes it just takes that one person to realize that everything in life isn't a complete loss. that, that i'm not at a complete loss.

best friend says that one day, our day in the sun will come. that we'll come out on top. i hope so. i guess i should study my pharmacology so i'll be set to come out on top --

lean back

there was something calling me to record my thoughts tonight .. i don't even know what it is. so maybe my stream of consciousness will rapidly record in 15 minutes because you know, drug delivery is not going to study itself.

it's finally cold in new jersey and the weather finally feels like november even though in my mind i still think it's the beginning of the school year. this semester is the fastest one yet, i feel like every day just fades into thin air, and my birthday is coming a lot faster than expected. i feel a little lost, a little lonely, all around confused sometimes. it's kind of funny that after 20 everything seems to start going at hyperspeed. it's not even like i'm trying to live this fast, lol.

no doubt i'm pretty excited to celebrate my 21st. .. it's actually considered golden because my birthday also happens to fall on the 21st .. so of course, we have to go out with a bang. i feel like i'm planning a sweet 16 again just 5 years later minus the cotillion and fancy party hall and DJ lady with the lizard on her back. i miss my cousin alvin [he was my sweet 16 escort], he was such a fob 5 years ago and he's come a long way. still quite the ladies' man, but surprisingly monogamous for the past times i've spoken to him. good for you, cuz! :)

around this time i remember making funny favors with bows on the back. and i got a lot of weird stuff for my 16th birthday .. especially a lot of jewelry. not to be completely materialistic, but i realized that the 21st birthday is a pretty sucky birthday for presents. i have a feeling that 90% of the presents that i'm going to get are going to be alcoholic drinks. that sucks! i don't even think i can drink that much -- [and i know i can't take it home and freeze it and make demented ice pops] -- well, another reason why i had to spoil myself with the heart pendant. cuz i know no one is going to be giving me anything as near as nice as what i got myself. [i know, i know, your presence at my secret party is priceless .. i know. =P] i feel like i should have given my friends something better for their 21st birthdays now that i think about it .. well, actually i did because i gave one of my friends a scrapbook and one a martini glass. and for charles' 21st birthday i gave him chocolate chip cookies and a happy birthday bear. i am particularly quite fond of that happy birthday bear with the cake on the top of his head.

well i've successfully wasted a good hour writing in here when i should have read drug delivery.

but that's okay, i'll read it again before i sleep. and then again before the exam tomorrow.

yay