bebot bebot

wow, so sitting here in the computer lab i totally lost my train of thought. i was about to start typing my entire, "honors thesis" type "what it means to be a filipina american" blog for you, but people started coming in and blah blah blah. but on the flip side [haha like that pun?] i think the lab has calmed down, i don't have to take stats for about 20 minutes, and i can finally get my thoughts straight. thanks to the magic of the internet, i could also save this and continue later. ah, the beauty of technology.



but anyways, so i feel like this kind of blog has been a long time coming; probably as far back as i've been in high school, i've always wanted to speak about this subject. it's near and dear to my heart, and i haven't really found anything that really delves into the heart of the matter. i mean, there have been superficial accounts about it, such as, "filipinos in new jersey" or something generic about it, talking about how we like to eat lumpia and pray in church and dance in lines. but do people, especially filipino americans themselves, really see past the surface? not many people like to acknowledge or talk about the inner workings of the filipino american network. actually, most high school aged and college aged filipino americans deny of any type of heirarchy actually existing, or faithfully look down upon being part of such an organization (e.g. "i hate how filipinos are so cliquey"; "she's part of them"; "that's his crew" "i'm not like that, i'm not cliquey"), but somehow, you can't escape associating with people who are of the same culture. unbeknownst to people who turn their noses at people who associate with their own race, this phenomenon is common among people of every type of race. white people usually compose their circle of friends with mostly white people, black people usually join groups of other black people, spanish people have their own group, and each asian race usually associates with themselves so as to be able to converse in their native language like FOBs. (sorry about that last one, i was just annoyed from class yesterday morning. lol.)



however, despite the fact that filipinos obiviously elicit some kind of comfort associating with other filipinos, there are a select few who get uncomfortable in the presence of a mass of filipinos. but why, you may ask. sometimes the ones who get the most uncomfortable around these masses are also the ones who complain about the exclusivity of the filipino group. this of course, seems logical, as the one who is not part of the group feels uncomfortable being excluded. this is a normal situation with anyone who feels left out of any type of group.



but at the same time, some that complain about the exclusivity are part of a group that exemplifies the characteristics of the exclusive filipino group. of course, this is a paradox that not many understand. this is one of the things that has been mystifying me since the end of my eighth grade.

now to give you a little background on myself, [for those of you who know me and who read my blog on daily basis, you don't really need to hear this haha] i've always lived in edison, nj for my whole life. i've basically been surrounded by my family since about 80-90% of my mother's side lives in new jersey. i never really had a reason to be part of the "group" because my family was my filipino group. well, i also was pretty sheltered growing up, so i didn't go out much either. i guess you could say, in the back of my mind, i had the insecurity of feeling left out. even to this day i still carry that kind of feeling, and i'm 20 years old and in my 4th year of college.

but when i got to college, there were others who felt insecure, who wanted to make new filipino friends without the intimidation of the larger mass. i could empathize with them. one of the common statements i often hear is "i always feel like i'm being judged when i'm surrounded by filipinos." i mean, do you ever notice that? as a filipino in this day and age in the american society, do you often feel judged? some people would rather not admit it because no one likes to point the finger at one of their own. sometimes, when in the presence of the larger mass, it often feels like a competition -- who knows the most people, who has the best outfit, who has the coolest shoes. and somehow, it gets to me, that i should have to prove myself to someone, when i am just sitting down in the crowd. but does it really matter? does how well you dance, or how well you play the guitar, or how new your outfit is.. does it really matter? after all, why should it be an issue; people often say that it is more important to be yourself. so why does it often feel like i have to blend in? maybe this could be just some sociological idea that comes from being part of a group.

going back to the idea of the clique, my filipino friends and i often comment about the exclusivity of filipino clique while at the same time forming our own small clique of 5 filipinos. though sometimes i feel like it's not exclusively filipino, 2 of the guys that we tend to associate with on a daily basis are indian and chinese. to add to that, there are dozens of cliques in the pharmacy program already -- the koreans, the indians, the other indians, the other other indians [lol], the people in the sorority, the transfer students, the people in the fraternity, the white people, and some other cliques that i can't name from the top of my head. so although we are a small microcosm of the bigger filipino society, i've come to the conclusion that it's not as big of an issue as one that i'm trying to tackle with this immense post of mine.

now i'm not sure if this point is entirely relevant to what i was trying to get at, but my friend ana pointed out to me that although this entire filipino society prides itself on being filipino at times, it tends to ignore things that usually are important when realizing one's heritage. in the words of ana, "they all claim, 'filipino pride' 'filipino pride' and all that bs, but they can't even get one question about the philippines right? thats bs right there." but i guess that also runs along the lines of some united states citizens -- when i watch "jaywalking" on jay leno, most of the people he asks don't know the answers to common facts about the united states. of course, i credit that to a lack of being well-informed, as well as a lack of remembering things. but being as we're from america, it's quite sad. but ana also pointed out the lack of drive that people had to try and push for our filipino studies program here at rutgers. "they claim they're proud, but they won't even push for our filipino class." and on that note, of course, it makes one seem like a hypocrite, being proud to be filipino but refusing to learn about oneself.

it's like that old filipino proverb, "Ang hindî marunong lumingón sa pinanggalingan ay hindî makararatíng sa paroroonan."

He who does not look back from where he came will never reach his destination.

so i guess, in closing, "what does this all mean, ang?"

what i'm trying to get at with all these things that i've said, is that we as filipinos here on the east coast should try to make more of an effort as a community to organize and get things done. we should stop judging each other and trying to outdo each other and just be thankful for all of the talent. i think that less emphasis should be put on the performing and more on the intellectual. there are a lot of smart filipinos out there. it would be nice for us to unite and give a voice to who we are, to let the rest of the united states know that there is more to our culture than the singing and the dancing and the pretty clothes. because in the end, those things don't really do much for you. in the end, it tends to just be about you, yourself. as big and as massive as the young adult filipino mass society is, it's also transient. once the real world comes it won't be about how many people you knew in college or high school anymore. there is a rich history to the philippines, to the people that came here trying to find a better life.

the end.

and <3 goes to my bestfriend, the el salvadorenian queen herself. :)