time to be a big girl now

so today i went to research [even though my 2 weeks are done and now i'm alone because pooja started working and they're not sure what they are going to do with me yet, i don't even know if i should come in again in the afternoon after computer lab work] and while yokechen the postdoc let me make panels of excel of pictures of tissue cultures .. the phone rings, and since i am the only one in the lab, i answer it, try my best to take a message [i'm nervous here, i've never answered the phone before in a research lab] and whoever was on the other line didn't want to give me a message, and then i got in trouble! dr. gordon comes in, not once, but twice .. first to look for ming-wei [her graduate student who the message was for], but the second time around was to scold me for not properly answering the phone. of course, like the little underling that i am, i sat there, trying my best to take in her constructive criticism, while at the same time feeling wholly inadequate -- after all, i was being scolded about how i answered the phone.. not for, say, blowing something up. or breaking a slide. or setting millions of dollars worth of equipment on fire. [not that i did those things. i didn't. i just, didn't answer the phone right.] i know for a fact that she was just trying to help, just trying to correct me so that next time the phone rings, i will know what to do, nothing will go as wrong as it did, and messages will go to people who need to take them. of course, i could also not answer the phone .. haha.

don't get me wrong, dr. gordon is nice. she is prompt, and organized, and gets her shit done. she is my professor and i have a deep respect for her. but i couldn't help but feel seriously embarrassed, inexperienced, unworthy, stupid. all because i didn't know how to answer the phone. the rest of the time i was in lab all i could think about was how much i wanted to leave and finish my work and get the hell out of there. the phone rang again about an hour after she had her talk with me, and i tried everything in my power not to answer it. is anyone else in the lab? maybe someone else will answer it. i hoped and wished. nope. still just me. alone in the lab. when i finally had the realization that i was alone again i went up to answer it, and surprisingly, the person on the other end had already hung up. well, i thought, if someone asks, i went to the bathroom and no one was there. haha ..

as much as i want to be busy and not bored for my summer, it sucks that i come home and feel tired, as if i was still in school. i long for the weekends again, at least this time, weekends mean i can actually bullshit around and not feel pressured like something's due. though, it's still confusing that i don't know what my schedule is for research. it feels like i could just make my own reasonable hours. [which in my head includes leaving before 4. preferably 330? haha .. that's like 2 hours of work a day. except wednesday where it's like, 7 or something.] i hope that my summer is still enjoyable even though i have so much stuff to do. i guess, it would be the same if i worked fulltime or if i had a fulltime internship .. ahhh, free time, i miss you! when i graduate, i plan to do nothing for a month. or go on vacation for a month. sigh. i hate that catch 22 junk -- the only way i can get money to go out is if i work, and if i work, i don't have time to go out. why, WHY, why ..

on another note, i miss gillian, she is in arizona for 10 weeks doing her own form of research for the greater good. [yes, she really is doing research. in a university. =P] and i miss jackie too, she is in barcelona infusing her mind with all kinds of euro design and stuff stuff. so sadness .. but i am super excited to hang out with my one and only homie on sunday .. we are going to act like we are filipino pride ecstatic and look at all of the gangsta fobs and tabs and, yeah. and buy stuff .. yay stuff .. come too, if you're in the area. it's sunday in nyc .. philippine independence day parade. and blah blah blah.

next tuesday is supposed to be a very special day for me .. but with the way things are going, i don't think anything special is going to happen. it kind of breaks my heart a little .. breaks my heart that it just might become another ordinary day. i have a present i have to give someone and hopefully, i can at least do that much. i worked really hard on this present and the 5 page letter that went with it. well, nothing ever ends up as planned, even my present. haha.

i plan on going down to the seashore and getting all kinds of tan this summer. i wish i could go on a vacation again like i went to las vegas, sadly, no money = no vacation = have to work a lot a lot. oh well, maybe i'll go to AC or something. and see ja rule again .. ahahah

well this is the end of my entry for today. now that it's summer i guess i'll be on track [hopefully] for the 1 entry per week deal. maybe ..

tu amor.

<3 to:
homie; thanks homie! it's summery. =)
bestfriend; of course, you know i'm always up for a good chat. ^_^ haha, yeah, gabe's all, "mature" and junk .. whatever he's still little to me .. nyahaha

my lipgloss is poppin

i wanted to make sure my blogger was okay so i'm writing a waste post. ahahahaha

on a sad note, my family went back to the philippines. =( it's surprising how quiet our block is now that it's only me and mary and gabe too. awww .. no more random parties at mary's house ..

i really really want to ride in an airplane, especially since i saw my classmate jess chan as she was leaving for hawaii. awww ..

okay i'm done!

just keep breathing

okay, so this is the entry i promised .. the entry that i was supposed to write yesterday, but today i'm putting my 10 min pilates burn and abs workout on hold [i don't feel as bad since i did walking walking and dancing dancing today .. hah] so that i could finally, finally write something in this blog of mine that i finally had a chance to change the layout for. finally..

so today is/was gabe's prom .. he's having it at the same place i had my senior prom .. except for the fact that today it's called "addison park" instead of garden manor and the other fact that he's able to go to wildwood for more than a whole weekend overnighting for 3 days.. while i couldn't .. i had to come home and then i went to the city the day after. and six flags that saturday after that. in hindsight i'm a little bitter about it .. i feel deprived because i couldn't experience the traditional go-down-to-the-jersey-shore-after-prom that everyone else gets to do. heck, when jackie was still living here, she slept over my house because her brother went down to seaside or something and she couldn't stay home alone. i confronted my mom about this -- first by asking if i could overnight with my friends in wildwood for a weekend over the summer [mind you, i'm 20 years old now and in college] to which she retorted that i would have to come home after visiting the beach. but i'm 20 now, i reply, thinking that it would be enough reason for me to be able to go. i overnighted in new york last year .. to which she spatted back, "but you stayed out until 4 o'clock in the morning in the street. that's what you're going to do? stay out until 4 o'clock in the street!!!! ... you're so eager to get out of the house."

"maybe because i haven't been out of the house." i say under my breath.

mom, i'm not that retarded. sometimes i think she should be counting her blessings that i'm not even worse off, i'm not a crackhead, i'm not an alkie, heck, i think the only thing excessive about me is my spending habit. and maybe my .. erm .. "lustful" tend.. dencies ..? and even those aren't as bad as they could be. sure, i did screw up my chances for future overnightings by blurting out that i went to the club .. but then again .. there's an even bigger backstory that remains to be untold by 12 .. [or was it 13? 14?] people.

conversations like these with my mother further solidify my plan to get the hell out of here when i graduate. maybe even sooner .. maybe when i turn "grad student." she just can't let go of me .. this woman .. she'll keep me under "parole" or on my "leash" for as long as she can.
but at the same time she comes into my room and hands me 10 dollars because i told her i only have $2 in my wallet. sigh.

anywho, i've been doing the damn thing at the labor-a-tory researching .. it's pretty cool getting to act like mad scientist with slides and vents and dozens of bottles of stuff .. i've been testing it out to see if that's what i really want to do with my life .. i imagined myself to be all glamorous looking cool with experiments and stuff .. but in reality it's not as fabulous as i thought .. pooja and i [pooja is my fellow research student .. she's a year ahead of me] walk around doing nothing for minutes on end [even an hour today] waiting for things to "incubate" and etc. but it's cool to see results .. i guess time will only tell what i'll really do with my life.

well i guess this is the end of the entry .. time for sleep or else i won't wake up tomorrow ..

good night peeps

smoke in your eyes

i know, i'm due for an entry. it's midnight and i have to sleep because i have research tomorrow. promise, better entry soon. tomorrow. really.

quote of the day:

ate mercy: when is your due date?
jenn: december 8
ate mercy: december 8? that's immaculate conception!
jenn: i know and that's how it happened!


haha .. i love you jenn. you're the only one who can talk sense into me sometimes ..

<3 to my bestfriend jackie and my homie christine, with whom i could traverse the globe with [but first we have to learn our way around the state of new jersey. haha]