Day and Night

When I woke up this morning, I usually snooze my alarm about 3 times before I really and honestly wake up and either fix my bed or get some breakfast. But after 2 snoozes a text woke me up, and it was my friend Sam, telling me her boyfriend had died this morning.

Now I have never met her boyfriend until after he was in the hospital, in a coma, the result of a severe car accident caused by 2 irresponsible drivers trying to race down Route 1 and 9 last March. I did as much as I could do to help Sam cope, because she's been through way too much ever since the accident, and the last thing I wanted was for it to be any harder than it already was. So somehow, I felt connected to him. I knew he liked dunnys from kidrobot, and KidCudi, and snowboarding, and putting kidrobot stickers on his snowboard. I knew he dressed really nice and that he worked at H&M. I felt like I knew him personally, somehow, some way, even though we had never talked. You can see how when Sam texted me this morning I felt like I lost some part of me. I sat in my bed, a little sleepy still, but more awake, and stunned. I didn't know what to do. Should I drive to Parsippany? Should I turn on the computer? Should I write in here? Should I go to church? I finally tried to make myself look somewhat decent and made the trek to church. I was late for the mass, which I didn't know starts at 8:00 am, but I was still in time to get communion. I lit a candle and prayed.

Pray. That's all I could really do. That's all everyone could really do. Nicky's parents waited. His family waited. Sam waited. We all waited, hoping, wishing, that maybe there would still be a miracle; that after 5 months of fighting, he would still keep on fighting. From what Sam told me it sounded like maybe he was improving, even though there were some bad days and some days that were better. I prayed that God would take him straight to heaven. I prayed that God would give Sam the strength to keep going, to carry on. I prayed to God to protect my family. I prayed to God to protect me. I said, Lord, I know that this is your plan, and that you needed to take him. But it still hurts. It still hurts to have to let him go.

It hurts more-so because I feel like I have to say goodbye to someone that I didn't even get the chance to say hello to. Part of me felt so angry. He was supposed to wake up. He was supposed to wake up, and Sam would introduce me, and I would get the chance to talk to him. It feels like I missed out. Now I will never get the chance to hear him tell me how much he loves Sam, how he wants to get her nice things. I will never get to hear from him how he loves dunnys or which dunnys he is missing from his collection. I won't get the chance to ask him if I can get a discount at H&M even though I'll only be kidding because I know that I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone to get anything for me. I won't get the chance to share a drink with him, to watch him play basketball, to go on group dates with Sam while I bring Charles and we join ourother Pharmacy friends and their boyfriends to some fancy pants restaurant where he likes the sauce. I'll never get the chance to crack a joke with him or laugh with him or find out his sense of humor. Part of me feels so angry because I never got to do any of these things, and now I never will.

My heart goes out to Nicky's mom, who tried her best to be the pillar of strength that she had to be. Nicky was her only son, much like I am the only daughter of my mom. In times like this I remember why I stay home and not go out, why I try and come straight home after rotations and why I want to be close by to my family. I remember why I stayed in Edison, why I commuted to school, why I went to Rutgers instead of dorming in New York or going out to California. I remember why my mom makes me call her, or why she calls me several times a day or several times after I should have gotten out of work to find out where I am. I remember my mom's paranoia and my own. I met Nicky's mom twice, the first time when I went to the hospital with Sam in April or May and the second time when we walked a 1k fundraiser for the facility at JFK where Nicky was trying to recover. She had a bright personality even though her son was in a coma in the brain trauma unit; she tried her best to stay positive. I know that she is crushed with the passing of her son and my love and prayers go out to her.

Of course all this time I am mostly thinking about Sam, one of my closest friends in Pharmacy school. We have gone through a lot in the course of 5 and a half years of being in pharmacy, and I know I wouldn't have been able to make it as far as I have without her. She was there for me when I was fighting with Charles most of our 3rd year in school, telling me that "Angelica, when you're sad, I feel sad, because you're like my cheerleader, telling me that I can do it and you're always so cheerful all the time." We've gone through multiple hell weeks, reaching the brinks of almost not being able to make it, almost staying back. We've gone through projects and pharm comm and Rich dressed up as a pill bottle. She's helped me through heartache, through love, through confusion, through joy. Recently we went to New York to Kidrobot and to restaurant week eating chic-chic food that made me realize that I like hamburgers more. It breaks my heart everyday to think of the pain she is going through, of everything that has happened. It is hard to relate to the pain that she feels because I don't know what it's like to be in that situation. I hope that I never have to experience her pain, her sorrow. She has more strength in her that she will ever know and she is an inspiration to me. I love Sam and I would do anything for her.

It upsets me because I don't want to have to go to another funeral, to have to wear black and see the Mass that sends off the people. I don't want to hear of another person that is getting buried. I don't like living through another tragedy. But from everything that has happened, all we can do is just look to the sky and hope for a brighter day, hope that Nicky is finally set free from all of his pain and his suffering. We can only think that he is watching over all of us, gone before us to do work that God has planned for him.

Rest in Peace, Nicky.