fighting temptations

so as 90% of my 1st round exams are coming to a close, things aren't really looking up .. well, i mean, i've only gotten like 3 grades, and they're not very promising, which is really dissappointing because i thought i was doing something right and i would do better than i did. apparently i was wrong, and it's really frustrating because i don't know what to do anymore, i don't want to stress out about this, i don't want to have to pull all-nighters like my friends do, i want to be confident in what i study but i always feel like i have dyslexia when i read even though i feel like things are okay in class. again, again i feel like this .. i guess, i should talk to the TA now so i don't fall into a trap since i was close to the critical grade. i don't even know what to talk about to him. and i'm scared i bombed my other 2 exams that i took because the exam i didn't do well in i studied really really hard for and i took the other 2 exams kind of for granted a little bit? GOD, i hate monday exams, i hate 3 hr exams on thursday nights [which are basically like finals but it's just a midterm!!] and i just hate this feeling of inadequacy. i thought that you know, since it's lent, i would try and be a better person, but it's like, i've been trying and i'm going nowhere. i want to redeem myself, but i'm so tired. my head hurts. sometimes i think maybe if i sleep it'll go away. everything will just go away and everything will just be better like it was before. i kind of miss how things used to be in high school .. i did so well in high school, but when i got to college it was so hard to adapt. i mean i know that's the point, because when the real world comes it's going to be even harder to adapt to a new lifestyle and all. things always feel like they're out of my control and i am frustrated! :( :( :( :( why why .. "that's all you have to do -- pokus pokus pokoos .." says my mom .. i guess i'm just lacking that maybe? am i lacking focus? but i feel like it's been this way for the past 2 years now. lol. i read my past entries because i thought, i couldn't have been feeling like this last sophomore year, and apparently i was, apparently i thought what i was studying was the hardest stuff in the world. and then i came to 3rd year and i was surprised yet again, yet again everything is hard. then again i can't even focus when i'm watching tv. i know, now that's just retarded. i mean, i go to class. everyday. i never miss a class. i take notes. i pay attention. i study. what am i doing wrong? why can't i get the A+'s that i used to get? why can't i be in the running for top 10% like i used to be? my mom says that patho is just hard. she thought it was way way way hard and that college is just really hard because you're on your own not like in highschool where they spoonfeed you everything. i guess that's true .. sigh .. anywho, so i saw a mouse during one of my lectures at arc 103 [aka my home]. i hope it's okay and it didn't scare anyone else .. it looked just like that mouse up there which is why i put the picture. haha. and since lent has started, i've been trying to fight all kinds of temptations [hence the title] and i guess i've been doing okay with that too. sometimes i lose my mind and i don't know what the hell i was thinking, but i think it's time to get back into the jones of things, to be a little naive about things, to be a little more careful and more responsible. i'm trying not to spend unecessary money because i ..

a) need to make back the money i spent during christmas
b) want to save up for a new laptop (sony vaio sz series to be exact ^_^)
c) need to reduce the amount of bills i have to pay
d) would like to have money for later on. like for going on lakwatsa and etc .. going to nyc again ..
lol.

so far i've been good, i want to really buy sneakers but i didn't .. i thought that maybe the money would go to better use buying "professional" clothes or really nice high heels [i've recently acquired a fascination for 4 inch heels] or something else that would come in handy down the road. i got really nice 4 inch heels to go with my dress that i'm going to wear to the "halfway done" pharmacy formal .. i'm excited that yes! i get to go .. it's a rite of passage and i am in the mood to dress up and party. it's just ironic that it's at victorian manor, yeah, where everything else always is, but whatevs .. there are other temptations that i'm trying to fight also [which i would like to keep to myself .. haha] and it's getting increasingly more difficult to hold back. it's hard to hold back when it strikes something deep inside you that you've been keeping in since you started to realize that you've been growing up .. when you realize that people really do the things that you never thought were possible. when you start getting close to doing something you thought was out of your personality. but never fear, i think i've got my self-control, and it's good to know that someone else does as well. it's such a comforting notion, and i just realized this week how important and meaningful it was to me. that's how i know that we're on the same wavelength. that's how i know this feels right. it's gradual, it's not pressured. it's like running as far as you can into the ocean when you're swimming before you know you've reached dangerous territory and you need to swim back before you drown. and i hope maybe with this renewed focus and sensibility i'll be able to be better. be a better person. um, be a better student. with those GODFORSAKEN POWERPOINT SLIDES .. $%#@ .. the pharmacy program is cruel .. people have been beaten and wrung out .. i'm over it .. no i'm not. lol.

well i guess this is the end of this one for today .. finally mom says, "you have your shoes, you have your dress for the party already. now that you're relaxed, you can focus on something else." haha .. yeah .. i might as well read or some shit. yeah. or no ..

ps:: this is why my boyfriend is the best.

charles(10:17:39 PM): ...filling in bubbles is fun
angelica(10:17:54 PM): hahahahaha awwww
charles(10:17:54 PM): ...thats y they call it a monkey test
angelica (10:18:00 PM): LOL
charles(10:18:08 PM): cause even it can pass
angelica(10:18:28 PM): LOL .. i know .. and that's what i think in my head when i have no idea what the answer is

k bye.

special ♥ to mary cuz it's her 19th birthday! yay for you mary. =)

<3 to:
the homie; ahhhh robin thicke robin thicke robin thicke! :siiiggghhh: lol! yess my outing was fun ^_^ and we are going to party this weekend! yay! because i miss you a lot lot too homieeee! and sometimes fortune cookies can be wise. lol.
best friend jackie; oh yes we heart each other. hehe. yay. i heart you toooo!
star; aw thanks you're awesome too! lol, yeah sometimes i look back on it and i forget how much things have changed .. but i guess it's for the better =)

all night long to the sky

so i was looking for robin thicke's album on aol [since you can listen to the whole thing for free] and i looked him up on wikipedia to find out the track listing ..

"He appears in the music video of this single with his wife, actress Paula Patton, who is totally bangin."

that's hilarious. they just had to add the "bangin" part .. lol ..

anyways, so between being online and trying to study for drug delivery [which is on monday] and trying to battle the menstruation cycle [jk i love my period! weeee! lol] i decided to write in here, wrapping up what's been on my mind, what's been happening, etc ..
so i finally gave the Theo Aspct Pharm presentation that i had to give with farah and raj, i don't know if far-out professor dr. ji really liked us or not, but he spent the rest of the period trying to explain the theory he just came up with after talking with us 3 times over the past 2 weeks .. damn, if we went any later, who knows what else he'd be telling us to say. man! as raj says, he gets paid to spend his days daydreaming about whatever in his little office filled with papers and books. sometimes when i'm sitting in class i feel like.. he's like a person you know who really wans to tell you something, and since you're there, he tells you it .. like a story you want to tell anyone who'll listen and care about your insanity, and since we're the people in his class, that's what we're there for. to listen to his crazy stories. i wonder how far we're actually going to get when it comes to the midterm exam .. that's gonna be fun .. lol .. but anyways, we're getting into the first wave of exams and i guess it's going okay. i don't know if i'm studying right or whatever, but i guess i'm hanging in there. i know i'm supposed to be all focused and crazy adderol like but i feel like i did a lot better when i was relaxed about things and just confident in my abilities instead of stressing out about how i don't know anything. i mean, yeah, i don't know everything, but i know something, and as long as i feel confident, that's what matters, right? i hope so. and then today i went with donald to see if i could get a job at cvs .. hopefully they hire me .. damn, i applied at that place like 5 times already .. whatevs, if i get it, it's just like the mall where i worked all weekend. it's all G .. though i am going to miss how i have free weekends nowadays and i can go out if i want to .. but it's okay, i needs moneys, and if anything, i can make time during the weekdays for myself, right? i hope so. i'd freakin go to the mall on a monday. i'd freakin go out on a wednesday. whatevs .. hahahaha .. when i get a real job, with real money, oh i'm gonna have a blast .. lol .. i just hope i remember the whole, time management shit and i can deal with studying.. then again, i don't even really study nowadays when i should be and i have all the time i want to .. hahaha .. i wish i was as studious as charles, he makes me want to be a better person. [awwww. lol ..]
which reminds me, charles and i finally celebrated valentine's day yesterday .. it was so nice because there weren't like102398210938 couples everywhere when we ate at carraba's [sp?] and we just spent time together outside of school eating pasta in a dimly lit [however romantic] place that had subliminal messages of learn-italian phrases like "i prefer wine" or something. it's been so long since charles and i went on a real date like we used to do a lot in the summer .. but i guess it's true that you just wait a long time and you miss it and then when you go on a date it will be good times =) but one time i got a fortune cookie and the fortune said, "absence makes the heart grow fonder, but presence strengthens it" and i really liked it .. because i see charles everyday, and it's really nice, and i like how we just sit in the library and study here and there, and it's good it keeps my mind on school, but then when we really go on dates, it's really special and memorable. but i mean.. all my dates with charles are memorable. even if i don't recall them all immediately .. lol. sometimes it's hard to hang out on the weekends nowadays because school is so hectic, and if/when i start working then that's even less time, but i guess i have to focus and prioritize my life and stuff like that and it's comforting to know that he supports me and isn't upset that there might be less time to be together and he tells me to go after opportunities for my career and stuff like that. like i've been saying, i guess i'm just scared to grow up. haha
anyways, drug delivery is waiting for me and i'm still here listening to robin thicke's cd and i didn't even finish typing this yet .. lol .. and i have a bunch of gift cards that long to be spent. but on what besides sky high black stilettos? sky high stillettos/pumps in other colors? perhaps! and my mom reorganized 5 years of pictures in 5 albums .. that's roughly 1000 pictures, literally! oh the memories. i miss everyone i hung out with in high school .. now they are off doing their own thing in different parts of the country. i miss all my cotillion people, they were so much fun. i was such a dork in high school, lol .. i thought i was the shit. and apparently i'm not! LOL .. but it's funny that i do look 90% the same like i did in high school .. minus the flab that has accumulated in my gut. oh running! oh gym! oh gym for lent. lol ..

anywhos, this is the end! i really have to drug delivery at least once through before i sleep .. while i watch sex and the city .. nyahahaha .. catch all you lovely kids later! i hope you had as great a valentine's day as i did. minus the whole, snow and ice and exams thing. hehe

[[edit]] i was looking through my old xanga and i came across this thing i took a long time ago .. i wanted to see if my answers changed ..

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

mmmmm .. a little. hehe.

<3 to:
best friend jackie; hehe yes! i am smiling =) and i smell prettyful too! ^_^
star; thanks for visiting my blog! =)