you can have whatever you like

well well well!

it's the most - wonderful - time - of the year ..

NOT!

anyways, with the holidays looming i thought it might be an appropriate time to start making that christmas list of stuff that i probably won't get, LOL

no one ever thinks to read my blog! hahahaha but anyways, the economy is in the toilet so i'm not one to be picky with my gifts. but here goes anyway,

1. juicy couture charm [for my charm bracelet!]
2. photoEZ makeshift screenprinting kit or speedball super value screen printing kit
3. american apparel california fleece zip hoody or track jacket
4. american apparel unisex baby thermal long sleeve [in any color but asphalt or white]
5. the best pair of black skinny stretch jeans in the whole world
6. urban outfitters or groove brand sweaterknit boot in blue or marled color
7. nintendo ds lite in blue! waiting for the DSi :)
8. asics mexico 66
9. taboo board game
10. 9'' spring form pan
11. 12093812093812093 flourescent sharpie retractable or thick yellow sharpie hightlighters
12. asian gel pens from morning glory

what do you want for xmas? :)

monster mash [OMGSCHOOL;;]

i wanted to write an entry before october was over and i didn't have a month marker for october. so actually i should study pharmacokinetics, but i'm not, i decided to write in my blog for no reason. i don't even have anything to say! really, i could just bitch about school, like i always do, but neelesh came up to me one day and said, "i read your blog! all it ever says is 'pharmacy school sucks..!' geez..!" hahahaha .. okay neelesh, for you and anyone else who's reading right now, i'll try to talk about something else.

so halloween is coming up and i'm sooped because i get to go to a party and it's my work weekend off. i got a new job working at a LTC pharmacy; it's okay, not the super greatest job in the world, but it'll do for now and i could really use the experience on my CV/resume/whatever. it's an every-other-week jones so it's not so bad, it's just that the weekends i do work, i work 16 hrs 10-6/8-4. meh .. oh well.

[i still have research work to do that i'm so behind in .. AHHHHHHHHH]

so for halloween charles and i are going to be legends of the hidden temple contestants! my friends said that we should "match" [yeah, charles and i barely attempt any sort of couples matching type outfits in regular life, so i was surprised he wanted to go along with the idea] because my other friend who is taken is going as princess jasmine and aladdin
[*GIGGLE* *HAHAHAHAHA*] see only they could pull something like that because they are the matchy type girlfriend/boyfriend. but charles idea was pretty brilliant, and i'm a nerd who would go for something like that, and since we're too cheap to spend 50 bucks on a costume we'll only wear once, i made the contestant shirts for 5 bucks plus helmets we got at sports authority [that we probably will return after we wear them =X lol] cool, huh? i never been to a halloween party before and i'm not usually creative enough to have a cool costume.

when i was little i went as:

belle [before she met the beast]
a crayon [that looked like a carrot]
a surgeon
a clown
a mexican [i'm talking with a sumbrero and maracas]
a karate kid
an angel
person who has mental problems
someone from the 80's

-- and that's about it!

sometimes i wish i shelled out bucks for a complicated costume or was creative enough to be some of the costumes i've seen .. gillian was a sexy cop and tinker bell, and little red riding hood, christine was a devil [hence angel and devil] and i saw someone as the rubiks cube before, and ash ketchum from pokemon!

the strangest thing i found was when i found a costume for a "sexy pharmacist" .. now i know i'm a sexy pharmacist every day [LOL] but still! the costume was a zip up skin tight jumpsuit dress that came with gloves and pill bottles and a name tag that said "pharmacist" on it. dag, if you want to be a true sexy pharmacist you gotta wear a lab coat, heels, and ..

anyways, i think my costume's pretty sweet :) hope you all have a good halloween! don't eat too much candy :)

take me on a trip i'd like to go some day

it is the middle of september and i felt that i haven't really had the time [or the drive] to really sit down and write a bonafide entry for my blog, and i really wanted to get one in before things really heat up and i totally forget to write one for september. lately things have been kind of tedious with school and all, it will only be a matter of time before the work starts to pile up with the tests and the quizzes and etc. i've been on the job hunt more and more nowadays, mainly because apparently at this stage i should have a "real job" [aka one that has something to do with my major] even though the new american apparel store was one of the applications i sent out. hahaha .. hopefully something good comes out of it, and hopefully i'll be making just a little bit more money soon. i was tallying up the expenses of things i feel i should be replacing in the near future -- a new coat, lenses for my glasses, a new phone -- and i don't really have the funds to back it up. [i was going to get new glasses all together but i'm too attached to my gucci frames to give them up. on the downside my lenses are so scratched up that it's getting harder to see. haha] 

and with the talk going on about the economy looming toward a downward spiral i'm getting more and more afraid of how hard it will be just to live day-to-day. sometimes when i'm in the shower i think about my future -- not just graduating, but about getting married, having kids, putting the imaginary kids through college, and even about my retirement. some financial analysts say that i should start saving for my retirement NOW [ i know, how sad is that?] which makes me feel like for the rest of my life i'll basically be working so that i can retire. it sounds so sad and inevitable. when i think about putting my imaginary kids through college, i feel like i should be saving for them now! after all, if they choose to go to a private college [which in this day and age, a private school college education goes for about ~$100,000 at the very least!]  not to mention if i choose to send them to catholic school, plus the cost of living .. i know i know, all this money talk is putting yours and my heads in a tailspin. it makes me worried and sometimes i lose sleep over it! 

when i first started college i used to think that once i graduated all my problems would be solved and i'd have endless supplies of money to buy everything i could ever need in my life. but then i realized that i'm not bill gates and pharmacists don't make that much money. i don't know how my mom got through with raising me and stuff and paying the bills because i'm afraid that i'll be poor! and now with the interest rates high and mortgages crappy and this and that, i get even more scared, especially with the government already guaranteed to take half my salary. i thought that maybe i should work 3 jobs so i'll be financially secure. but i don't know! i know that i'm overreacting, but it is a scary thought you have to admit. hopefully whoever will be our next president will be able to make sense of our economy. i always thought that maybe the key to solving our problems was just to reset prices where $20 would equal $1 again and everything would be cheaper. but with higher wages comes higher costs and this and that and stuff. one time my friend vincent tried to explain it to me and it made sense but i don't remember it anymore! i should call him and ask him.

anyways, i hope you all have a good evening, i'm going to go study the renal clearance system, YAY

but i don't want to escape

OMGGGGG I START SCHOOL FOR THE 5TH YEAR IN A ROW ON TUESDAY! WHAT IS THAT!

can you believe it. can you freaking, shake-a-do believe it. i'm a 5th year! what have i been doing!? obvs something right because i am still in pharmacy school! whoa! who does that! anyways, my unofficial last kid-summer is coming to a close and i am going to go see ne-yo for labor day weekend! how festive! [in the words of jeremy: "mom what's ne-yo?"] ne-yo, the one who sings hits such as closer and sexy love and so sick! yes! him! and FYI if you're not busy he'll also be on the today show! woooooooots to the max. well this summer has been interesting to say the least, at the same time boring, relaxing, tiring, cheesy, burgers, and most importantly a learning experience!

i am excited to see my friends back in school again because after being with them 24/7 for the past 2 years i grow to miss them. but i am going to miss the lazy days of summer and the opportunities to hang out with charles and watch tv whenever we feel like it. hopefully i also can get another part-time job to support my spending habits, minimal as they are, the cost of living frugally is also going up. i am glad that i got to go to the beach this past week [my last week off before school] where the water was warm in the jersey shore and the waves were beastly!

also now there is american apparel in my local mall and i feel like i am going to buy more and more clothes from there. i love it, i wonder if it really fits in the land of abercrombies and american eagles. whatever the case, i love it! i hope it stays! i actually applied for a job online.. LOL

well i hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable labor day weekend! heart heart heart!

insert sound of olympic theme here

OMG I AM SOOOOO SUPER SLEEPY!
THANKS ALOT MICHAEL PHELPS!

i have been watching michael phelps for the whoooole week almost every night since the olympics started! now i am not usually a sports fan but i love love love the olympics. and michael phelps is a beast! it is pretty crazy because i have rotations every day which i wake up at 530 in the morning to go to. and since primetime is the time when the best things are on, i want to stay up late and watch it! crazy stuff! i didn't think michael phelps was gonna go for 7, but he did! OMG 8 is just bananas. totally bananas. and i am so glad nastia won! goooo nastia! nastia and shawn johnson were the american team. they competed in everything! it is only natural they go 1-2 respectively! trizzzzz. but now i am going to skip out on friday night festivities to sleep. i am sooooo sleepy.

one more week of rotations to go! i could not be any happier. though my time at the hospital has been well spent and i have been learning so much. i like hospital pharmacy, i guess mainly because i was lucky enough to get a really nice hospital with all nice people in it -- it's either hospital or target. LOL. still waiting on industry, hehe.

anywhoots, i'm even too tired to write a full thought on this blog, so i'll continue tomorrow. good night everyone! enjoy the olympics! i'm going in 2012, who's down? london town here i come! :)

GO

well hello blog! i thought that it might be time for another angelica update to this weblog of mine because, although i've been slacking this whole summer i haven't got the mental ideal to write something in here. but now, with a little bit of picture form of what has been one of the few highlights of my summer -- charles weekly [kind of] basketball games! now i've been going to most of his games ever since i got the opportunity to; this is like charles 4rd season doing this and i only started going during the middle of the 2nd season. i know i'm a veteran! but of course someone has to do the cheering and what better than the cheerleading/family/friend/girlfriend squad to do it. yeah!

this is from when charles and i went to sonic in june

note the product placement

charles sure knows how to work the bench, awww.

carissa and i dutifully pay attention, most of the time. big red heart pointing motion! HAHA

men in action. note #23 is carissa's favorite.

look at the form! wonderful. :)

on a sad, extremely depressing note: i lost my beautiful wonderful heart shaped diamond filled necklace of 1.5 years! SO EXTREME, TEARFILLED SADNESS TO THE X100000 POWER. i have searched high and low in my house and it is nowhere to be found! thanks to my unreliable memory i don't remember the last time i wore it, only that the last time i saw it, it was on my dresser on ~wednesday-ish. i am so so so sadness. LE SIGH .. i hope and pray that someday it will turn up when i'm not looking for it.. help!

EDIT: I FOUND IT! YAY!

other than that my summer has been filled with boredom and relaxation, and brokeness. rotations start in ~1 week and it's bananas! i hope that i do better than good!

mad loves to the homie, gillian the fish who is in england right now, and my best friend who is currently making tons of slave architect models. chyeah!

till next time, when i have more interesting things and pictures to share. good night everybody!

donuts

so according to money magazine's best places to live 2008, my hometown of edison, nj is ranked as the 35th best place to live this year! hahaha. i find that kind of hilarious, yet i am a little bit proud. i mean what other town is shaped like a donut and has menlo mall in it as well as ~5 of the major highways going through it? no sir-ee bob. anyways, just wanted to let you know. till lates :)

someone i can talk to, someone who'll really listen

so it is june and i feel like i should write another blog! i should really be doing my work-from-home but i don't know why .. something feels like it's missing but hopefully i can get my act together soon. i blame the heat but i know that is one lame-ass excuse. i can blame the summer but that's another one too. hah. anyways .. so how has the summer of 2008 been going? pretty good so far, except with the whole, broke-college-student thing. but even that isn't so bad .. i feel like being broke is better than being over-occupied because i hate missing out on things. i rather like to have the opportunity and then skip out than never have the chance. nah mean? anyways, this is probably the last summer i can act like a kid so i am trying to take advantage of it before i have to act like an adult. and it's been fun!

oh so you know what? though it was supposed to be the same as last year, i forgot to write a post for mine and charles 2 year anniversary! i know! how freaking long is that? pretty! pretty freaking long! lol. but i have been [as my friends sometime imply] disgustingly happy [lol] these past months/years/weeks/whatever, and for good reason! when i talked to sam she was saying, "i am so glad that you are happy now, remember last year?" i don't like to disclose my problems too much online - i know, the irony, i have a blog - but let's just say things were a lot rockier than they are now. and some people thought that things should be otherwise, but perseverance and patience are worth it, because i enjoy the disgusting happiness. haha. i think i can speak for the both of us - me and charles - that we have had it pretty good. yeah! YEAH FOR US! YEAH YEAH YEAH! :) :) :) :) so to charles, my loving boyfriend, thank you for loving me for me. because i love you! YEAH! awesome! :D of course, we are not perfect, we still have our you-are-annoying-me moments, and i like those too. sometimes being happy all the time is irritating too. i know this sounds weird but sometimes i think it is good that i cry sometimes when things are too happy-happy because it lets me know that things are still real, still not super perfect. and i like not perfect. =] i like charles!

so because 2 years is a pretty big milestone, we have to celebrate it good, so charles and i spent 2 days doing fun stuff! we had "french" food in metuchen in cafe paris and i cheered for him because he had a basketball game! and then the day after we celebrated and went to the city and had an adventure. we [well, mostly me hah] went shopping and i bought shorts and an american apparel dress [AHHHH THE BANDEAU DRESS I LOVE IT I COULD WEAR IT TO EVERY PARTY I GO TO LOL] and we went to the NYC public library! charles was making fun of me because i couldn't recall the details of the sex and the city movie [you know, the part where carrie doesn't get married to big there] but it is such a nice library! charles and i thought that college was like studying in the NYC public library with all the uniform tables and stacks of books and the old fashioned lamps. but it's not like that at rutgers .. not even at alexander .. haha. after we went to rockefeller plaza and to la maison du chocolat where it is like gucci of chocolates. like 7 bucks for 3 pieces. dag. then we went to times square where there is a shirt that says "hello kitty and the city" at the sanrio store but it is severely overpriced. and the m&m's store and the nba store .. oh we are such tourists. there are so many! and we ate at trattoria trecolori [as recommended by charles bff buddy for life brian] where they grill chicken with fetuccine alfredo and it is the best grilled chicken that i have ever tasted in my life. go to that restaurant! i know i want to go back there and just order grilled chicken and pasta. YUM x 12093810293.

so now i am sitting at home and there is a massive heat wave and we just had a mini thunderstorm. i am so excited because i will be visiting sunny phoenix, AZ in 2 1/2 weeks! woots! 

well i hope you like my blog! heart heart heart!

and i just can't pull myself away

turn the lights off in this place

and she shines just like a star

and i swear i know her face

i just don't know who you are

turn the music up in here

i still hear her loud and clear

like she's right there loud and clear

for background information, please refer to the entry dated 2/16/08. lol

so i have done my share of facebook looking around, and this and that, and i was a little sad that i didn't get invited to the party of someone from parlin even though i don't even really know whose party it is .. but anyways --

i was looking at pictures of charles because he got invited to the party and i felt so old! well not because of charles but because the celebrant [after me and mary did some thinking] was one of the little elementary school OLV kids we used to know back in the day when the goal of hanging out was to hang out in parlin. not so much anymore, since i've been in college my circle has shifted to people who are going to push drugs rather than pop-and-lock and live in sayreville. [well, except for charles. charles is an exception! and homie! homie is another exception!] anyways, the celebrant used to always say to me back in the day when homie [also known as christine] would have parties and i would get invited or when i would see them in random get togethers. even at charles parties! i feel so awkward sometimes still even though charles and i have been going out for one year, 11 months, and 3 weeks and even though the past has been put behind me for quite some time now, it still makes me feel that uneasy feeling once in a while. i don't even know if she knows my name anymore, or who i am, or what i do, or anything. johan's little brother still remembers me most of the time, and when i met him, he was 7 or 8. he's so super big now, and he dances - way better than his brother i should say! [HAHA, =P but it's true!] i once said a long long time ago in the past that if i was 8 years younger and in jarryl's grade i would sooo have the biggest crush on him. i bet a bunch of girls do right now. hahaha. props to him for that. 

thinking about all this sweet sixteen stuff made me think about my own cotillion .. 5+ years ago now! wow that's serious. some it are just faded memories now [i think that's for the best, lol] and some things you can't forget. like the lizard lady! i didn't even know she was until after, i think it was because i was so busy being the celebrant. i miss my friend kristine because she moved to texas after being in my cotillion. we always planned that if i was going to have a cotillion, she would be in it! and i miss my friend marielle .. who moved to massachusetts after she graduated high school. le sigh .. but i still get to see her every now and then when she comes down to jersey. 

well i hope you like my entry because since it is summer i actually have time to think about things and write them in my blog. PEEEASE

push pills not buttons! JOKE JOKE JOKE :)

i really want to come kick it with you

so it is finally, finally summer break and i fake graduated [because my status as a rutgers undergrad has changed to "grad student" - i even have to get a new card and junk and i have no more merit financial aid =( ] and i am happily enjoying doing nothing! well first i had an initial panic attack because we didn't have anything to study for and i was feeling antsy .. but i finally got my flow on and the first couple of days have been a little busy!  it was charles basketball game on thursday which was a lot of fun even though his team lost. afterwards we went to applebees to engage in some inexpensive food and stay out a little bit late - the first time in a long time! it was a little weird because there was more of a crowd at the basketball game than there usually is - i am so used to going to the game and it would usually be only me and charles dad and brother watching. but now i get to watch with carissa because her favorite romeo is on charles team too. yay! i also had to make chocolate lollipops right after my last exam on wednesday for isabella's christening .. that is the first and last time i will ever think about making chocolate lollipops as a favor for any party ever in my life. it was funny because donald was actually the one making the lollipops instead of jenn - even though jenn was the one who called me to ask me to make them and they were her idea in the first place. oh man. and then on saturday it was isabella's actual christening party and it was quite fun! who knew you could have alcoholic drinks in the early afternoon for a christening party.  i got to attend to my ninang duties once again .. so now my godchildren count is up to 4. i know .. it's pretty sick nasty. christmas is going to be one crazy holiday for me again. haha. and of course i am playing mariokart a whole lot now that i have the time to and i hope to unlock a lot of things over this summer. but i am not that great at video games and i proud of myself that i unlocked king boo because he is my faves. well, next to yoshi who is everyone's faves. oh did i mention i also baked some cupcakes? i am so proud of them because i baked them allllll by myself with no help [or should i say meddling] from my mom or anyone whatsoever. soon i will make cupcakes from scratch and not from the box. and they look pretty cool too! yay. at least i can bake cupcakes and they don't come out messed up. this thursday it is charles and gillian's graduations so it will be a busy day for me. i wish i was graduating too for real so i could wear a cool cap and gown but i guess my time will come eventually. le sigh. well anyways, i guess i should get ready for more hang out time with charles. yay.

♥ to my best friend in the whole wide world, jackie! :)

allow me to get you right

UGH I HATE FINALS .. finals are the worst. i have been studying like a nutjob for the past week and i've only taken one and i have 3 to go. well, this isn't the first time i've had 3 finals in a row .. the last time i had 3 exams in the same week this semester i bombed them all. yikes .. well hopefully this won't be so bad. i do have whole days to cram in between .. a good sign, because who doesn't love cramming more than pharmacy students. [i do have my limits, you know, after all i don't pull all nighters.] after that it's home free, i hope, and my 4th year will be over. on another note, today was mother's day and i spent it making my mom go over drugs with me again. aren't i such a great daughter? lol. however it did backfire when my mom took it as an opportunity to march into my room during one of my breaks and subsequently proceed to force me to go over my drugs when i didn't want to. ang was not a happy camper at all. but i had to, for the sake of my mom, for the sake of me, and the sake of my grade. and what mother doesn't love quality time with her kid. forreal. but i was unhappy that i didn't get to make the cupcakes i was dying to make this weekend due to some unforseen circumstances which i shall not go over due to the apparent nature of the situation. [really it's not that serious but for the record let's cover our bases.]

today i realized that charles won't be here next semester to study with me at the library when/if i go into 5th year [p3] next year. it's a little sad but it's a new step in all of our lives .. and i think we've gradually eased into it this year since he had all his classes on the other campus all the way on the other side of town from the campus that i have my classes on. it's all good i guess. i'm just banking on making it to 5th year .. wow, how scary is that. 5 years in college and i'm still alive? damn.

anyways i should really be reviewing/sleeping etc etc instead of blogging but i haven't blogged anything this month and you know i'd like to have an entry for may or something. too bad blogging won't pay the bills like pharmacy does, and too bad no one really reads this after being on it for 3 years now. lol.

well i hope you all have a wonderful week today. i sure will after may 14 .. holler.

shouts to jopapa - who i have yet to send my mariokart friend id # to. after finals it is soooo on like honey dijon!!!

chang chang and bring it over there

mario kart image would be here ..

i am addicted to mario kart for wii! ahhhh i play it religiously.
it just annoys me that everything has to be unlocked to fully get everything out of the game. UGH! i don't have time for this haha. daaag ..
hopefully i can finish getting everything out of it this summer. yay. and learn how to drag correctly!

stupendous hippopotami

hello, i currently writing in my blog because i have the time to do so!

this past weekend was the first weekend that i didn't have to study for a test! [but i ended up studying for medchem anyway which is 2 weeks away]

but i would like to show you how my day has been going today.

today i went to pharmacology early! and dr. hughes was there [but he is not our pharmacology professor but oh well you get the point.]

class attendance is down during the end of the semester! but people starting coming a lot at the end. yeah!

this is dexter and we ate lunch today!
dexter's superpower theory: he wants to have meat vision. ask him for details

sam is bored that we don't have any studying to do. she is perplexed

we still have one more class to do which is intro pk .. UGH

anyways, have a sunny day!

i've tried every remedy and nothing seems to work for me

do - do you got a first aid kit handy?
do - do you know how to patch up a wound?
tell me, a - a - a - are you, are you patient, understanding, cause i might need some time to clear the hole in [something something,]

OH MM GEEZ i am so addicted to this danity kane song and i don't know why. i have already played it like 10 times in a row. it's that serious.
[note: christian siriano may have "fierce" as a catchphrase but mine is definitely "serious." hahahaha .. i say that with everything! it's gotten so bad that my mom said "this is serious" when we were out of eggs and milk. wow .. hahahah]
anyways, i have just survived one of the worst test-taking weeks in my entire life -- 3 exams in one week! WTF, and i definitely, DEFINITELY failed my biopharm-kinetics exam. IN ALL SERIOUSNESS. i had no idea what the f-ck was going on in that shit! [i'm trying to cut down on f-bombs, hah] damn, i so forgot it all right before the exam.
ANG, we really have to work on your memory skills before exams. no more blanking out!
well, the pressure is definitely on now to bang out some good stuff on finals [ugh] but oh well. let's just hope i can pull out all the stops. like damn!

now that it's not lent and i was utterly bored this afternoon i definitely got back into my wikipedia jones. man! i need to get over that stuff.
i'm slowly trying to accustom my distaste for facebook, but still have enough that i don't check it everyday. i think it was because i was so super bored today. DAGs ..

anywhoots, i hope you enjoyed the little slice of my life!
2 more exams! UGH!

then finals! DOUBLE UGGGHIES

ps. i would really like to start an invitation printing company. haha

shouts to the best a.k.a future architect, jackie!

easter bunny

after all those weeks of cleansing my soul by giving up facebook, 

finally easter is here and i went on it for the first time in 40 days and tried to sort through all of the garbage that cluttered my account.

now i remember why i gave it up in the first place,

i think i'm giving up facebook again for a long time.

since it's not lent anymore and i have the freedom to go on facebook whenever i want,

i feel like my life is a lot better without it. i feel like i have evolved [is that the word i want to use?] into a newer, better, more self enriched person.

social networking is overrated and i do get myself into a lot more mental and emotional trouble when i look at it.

after all, why should i care what people send me or tell me?

you know you could always just message me directly. lol.

so now, on this easter sunday, i am giving up facebook again. this time, it's not because of self sacrifice. it's for a bigger, more enriching purpose.

there will come a time when i will probably deactivate my account because i will be a grown up [for real] and i will need a clean slate for when i start applying for big people jobs.

but for now, as i continue to "prolong my youth" as sam calls it, 

i'll take this growing up thing one step at a time. and i guess, cutting the facebook stuff out of my life is a step in the right direction.

to be honest, logging into it felt really weird and out of character.

maybe i'm just being maarte [over-acting]

but it's the truth. anyways, i guess this is enough of my rambling.

i am going to look up how to make easter rabbit ears for when i be a silly ninang and be an easter bunny and give out eggs to the kids. lol

happy easter friends!

iANG

dag, this was the hardest thing to edit. lol

i still want to get rid of that trackbacking thing .. ugh, it is so annoying and i don't even use it.

in other news .. 

courtesy of eli manning and my mom's  new mac. which she doesn't really use. yeah. hahaha

start spreading the news

you know, sometimes people comment a lot about how " *fake* " other people are. now i'm not trying to call anyone out, there are too many people who do this, but i tend to wonder, maybe they're calling me out. because sometimes i feel a little fake. maybe i'm trying to claim responsibility and take things too personally, but i don't understand it. sure, it's not nice, or fair, to pretend to act for show. or to play along when you are really trying to hide your distaste or insincerity. but at the same time, i catch myself doing it. doing it to save face or to be politically correct.

sometimes, i think we have to be a little fake. after all, i think the world would be quite harsh if everyone was as real as real pie. even the nice people. i'm sure even the nicest person wants to curse off someone. i personally would i find it difficult for anyone to like me if i went around telling people how i honestly think they are the worst person in the world or how much their fake tan sucks. [because it really does suck!] really, do i want to be in that mess? i know it's such high school drama. and it's obvious when you sense the tone in the person's voice. well, sometimes.

like i said i do admit "faking" things sometimes to be politically correct. [i'm not talking orgasms, people, get your mind out of the gutter! hah joke] my cousin jenn said that it's something that runs in our family, LOL. not that i'm saying that my family is a bunch of fake people and that you can't trust us. on the contrary. we are very honest people and we feel what we feel and say what we say. i find my family to be very trustworthy.

but don't tell me you haven't put on a straight face when you saw someone you didn't like. or smiled so plastic just to convince them that "yes, you really do like them!" "no, it's okay! i'm not irritated!" i know i have. plenty of times. even when i sooooo didn't like the person, or the situation, or i was just very ANNOYED. i guess i do it to avoid conflict. because i can't stand conflict. and don't tell me you haven't told someone to keep a secret because you didn't want another person to know, and you continue faking along this charade of blissful ignorance to avoid a messy situation. sometimes, even trust is built on the ability to well, be fake, in a way.

so i know, you don't like fake people. i get it. i also don't appreciate insincerity when i encounter it. but sometimes, when you call them out, i hope you're not being a hypocrite about it.

over futile odds, and laughed at by the gods

i have an hour before my ID class starts.
you know, the class that i just completely got an almost-F in.
yes, i admit it. i am telling the world, right now, i got a 60 on my ID exam.
yesterday i was trying really, really, really hard not to let it get to me because i have an exam today.
and an exam tomorrow.

but i couldn't help it.

i cried. again.

i know, i'm such a baby. i shouldn't be crying, i'm a P2 or whatever the hell i'm supposed to call it. 4th year. same thing. this isn't the first time i got an almost-F [it happened last semester too, hah] but i can't help it.
i know, it's only the first exam. i have 3 more chances to do something right. i know. it's not the end of the world. but then why do i have this feeling of impending doom?

yesterday in med chem the professor was trying to do his best to inspire us, saying how "during graduation there is a line of faculty who applaud you while you are getting your diploma." it felt like a pep talk before "the big game." as if we were going to war.

war, with drugs. antibiotics, etc.

last week i got a similar inspirational talk in my pharmacology class too --

it's as if the professors are trying to make sure that we don't go suicidal and try and kill ourselves. or do something rash -- something that could potentially harm ourselves.

somehow i don't know if it's really helping to give us pep talks like that. soemtimes i feel like it just makes it worse -- as if they are just rubbing it in our faces the fact that we are suffering.

there are days where i am amazed by how far i've made it in this program but i'm still so far away from the goal. sometimes i don't know what i did to get here, because i feel like i haven't learned a damn thing in the past 4 years.

there are times when i want to give up so bad. i just want to leave.

but i can't. it's like i'm trapped.

i desperately want a vacation. i want to get out of here, out of this mess that i got myself in.

i should be studying for my exam tonight .. i should always be studying when i'm not, but i don't care. not right now. not while i'm trying to hold on to the last bit of sanity that i have left.

on a one to ten she's a certified twenty, but that just ain't me

yo, so lemme get out my semi-ghetto speak for this entry. i'm seeeerious, yo. it's that serious!

okay so first i was watching the challenge game show or whatever on channel 12 .. and i saw bishop ahr was competing! yeah so i don't know anyone anymore at that school -- my generation has up and graduated already -- but i was cheering for them! too bad the mother f'in pingry beat them. like dags. i knew it was because we don't learn that much random shit at bga.

and then today i was talking with my homie and i had some kind of frickin age life crisis or some shit! like damn, i was like, shit, how old am i!?! homie's brother christian is gonna be f'in 18 like for serious. FOR SERIOUS! i frickin met that kid when he was still small like 10 years old! daaags! iono what had haaappened! dags! i was like, i thought i was still at bishop ahr or somethin! man! and frickin her cousins alexa and zandrea [is that how you spell it?] are 15 and 6 [respectively going to be] and alexa's frickin in bishop ahr now!!!! like what the f is that! i still remember when she was 6 or 7 and writing me cute letters! i bet she doesn't even remember me anymore. that's okay. i am too old to be getting letters from baby cousins of my friends. haha. i am just sayin, where did my time go? dags, i still remember being at bishop ahr and writing in my xanga and shit. dags. i looked at my old xanga entries and it was serious! mary said xanga was a whole other lifetime. yeah, you right you right! i mean even know blogger is another slice of my life that i'm lookin at. i bet that when i read these entries years from now i might be kicking myself. i know i've grown up and shit but dags! high school was that long ago?! wtf .. LOL. so then i was like, on the website of bishop ahr and it all is like high tech and shit now and it's like, damn! that was a start up when i graduated! like what is that! sewing club!? wish i got that shit! i prolly woulda went to fashion school if i had that shit going on. forreeeals

yo i used to think that things happened for a reason or some junk like that, cause like, you know, i thought that maybe 9/11 happened so i could meet johan or whatever. and maybe that's true and maybe it's not, but it's like dags!

sometimes charles and i discuss about how we led parallel lives in high school and had mutual friends but we never really took the opportunity to talk and get to know each other and shit like that. cause you know i was like almost bff at one point with chris his bro bro and i din even know there was a such thing as charles. like dags! i din even talk to charles until college! and then i'm like yeah i think it was better that way because i was way too tryna be ghetto or some shit like that nah meean. charles is not ghetto except he listens to biggie smalls and tupac but he says "they got shot and died." LOL. he would think i was a loser. at least that is what i think he would be thinking but then like back when i was a total facebook stalker before lent i saw mad corny pictures of charles. hell yeah, we both are mature or whatevs now. yeah!

anyways, i guess my ghetto speak is over. chyeah back to pharm/poison/med chem!

ricochets off the moon and sets the forest ablaze

today is ash wednesday.

today i have to give up eating meat, fast, and do all things catholic.
today, i have given up facebook, social networking, youtube, wikipedia, and looking up dumb stuff on the internet to fulfill my curiosities. [well, except i looked up the lupe fiasco lyrics for the title of this post.]
today, i bombed my med chem quiz that i intended on studying for on sunday, monday, and tuesday - but i instead successfully wasted all of those days watching the superbowl, doing that mr. pharmacy bull, and going to new york while subsequently spending the evening with charles doing absolutely nothing productive.

then again, tuesday was mardi gras; maybe i can use that as an excuse. the excuse for my superfluous amount [i'm not going to call it a waste, because time enjoyed wasted is actually time well spent] of studying time that i instead used to hang out and be young and reckless.

but no, today, today is ash wednesday. the day for the beginning of my self-sacrifice. i'm not gonna say that i'm magically going to get my act together with this studying thing just because today is ash wednesday. i highly doubt that. but maybe, for the sheer fact that i come to believe that i hope to accomplish something today -- maybe i'll actually do something studious.

midterm time is soon approaching and i dread it - this semester i have had more information jammed down my throat in the past 3 weeks than i have ever had in any first 3 weeks of the past semesters i've had. i didn't have any introductory week. no, "welcome class, let's introduce you to this topic. let's talk about it."

no. instead i get "LEARN THIS BITCH -- NOW"
how's that for higher education?

in my previous experience i tend to bomb anything medchem related - i don't do well with sheer memorizing and i'm still trying to hold onto what semblance of a young life i have. i'm just too lazy, too tired, to stay here, and study, and accomplish anything. i have no motivation. who am i staying here for? i guess i should take a clue from andy who stays late studying on campus.

but it's a lonely existence - bookworming it up in the library.

honestly i don't think the material is the only thing that makes 4th year [P2] hard. i think it's a mental challenge - being able to handle and balance school and fun and everything in between.

for the past couple of weeks my mom has been on my case about going out on the weekdays.
i know she has a point, but then again, where's the slack i get for being young? i don't know.

anyways, again i have successfully spent studying time in exchange for mental stability. i feel it was time well spent.

♥ to my best in the world, jackie :)