start spreading the news

you know, sometimes people comment a lot about how " *fake* " other people are. now i'm not trying to call anyone out, there are too many people who do this, but i tend to wonder, maybe they're calling me out. because sometimes i feel a little fake. maybe i'm trying to claim responsibility and take things too personally, but i don't understand it. sure, it's not nice, or fair, to pretend to act for show. or to play along when you are really trying to hide your distaste or insincerity. but at the same time, i catch myself doing it. doing it to save face or to be politically correct.

sometimes, i think we have to be a little fake. after all, i think the world would be quite harsh if everyone was as real as real pie. even the nice people. i'm sure even the nicest person wants to curse off someone. i personally would i find it difficult for anyone to like me if i went around telling people how i honestly think they are the worst person in the world or how much their fake tan sucks. [because it really does suck!] really, do i want to be in that mess? i know it's such high school drama. and it's obvious when you sense the tone in the person's voice. well, sometimes.

like i said i do admit "faking" things sometimes to be politically correct. [i'm not talking orgasms, people, get your mind out of the gutter! hah joke] my cousin jenn said that it's something that runs in our family, LOL. not that i'm saying that my family is a bunch of fake people and that you can't trust us. on the contrary. we are very honest people and we feel what we feel and say what we say. i find my family to be very trustworthy.

but don't tell me you haven't put on a straight face when you saw someone you didn't like. or smiled so plastic just to convince them that "yes, you really do like them!" "no, it's okay! i'm not irritated!" i know i have. plenty of times. even when i sooooo didn't like the person, or the situation, or i was just very ANNOYED. i guess i do it to avoid conflict. because i can't stand conflict. and don't tell me you haven't told someone to keep a secret because you didn't want another person to know, and you continue faking along this charade of blissful ignorance to avoid a messy situation. sometimes, even trust is built on the ability to well, be fake, in a way.

so i know, you don't like fake people. i get it. i also don't appreciate insincerity when i encounter it. but sometimes, when you call them out, i hope you're not being a hypocrite about it.

over futile odds, and laughed at by the gods

i have an hour before my ID class starts.
you know, the class that i just completely got an almost-F in.
yes, i admit it. i am telling the world, right now, i got a 60 on my ID exam.
yesterday i was trying really, really, really hard not to let it get to me because i have an exam today.
and an exam tomorrow.

but i couldn't help it.

i cried. again.

i know, i'm such a baby. i shouldn't be crying, i'm a P2 or whatever the hell i'm supposed to call it. 4th year. same thing. this isn't the first time i got an almost-F [it happened last semester too, hah] but i can't help it.
i know, it's only the first exam. i have 3 more chances to do something right. i know. it's not the end of the world. but then why do i have this feeling of impending doom?

yesterday in med chem the professor was trying to do his best to inspire us, saying how "during graduation there is a line of faculty who applaud you while you are getting your diploma." it felt like a pep talk before "the big game." as if we were going to war.

war, with drugs. antibiotics, etc.

last week i got a similar inspirational talk in my pharmacology class too --

it's as if the professors are trying to make sure that we don't go suicidal and try and kill ourselves. or do something rash -- something that could potentially harm ourselves.

somehow i don't know if it's really helping to give us pep talks like that. soemtimes i feel like it just makes it worse -- as if they are just rubbing it in our faces the fact that we are suffering.

there are days where i am amazed by how far i've made it in this program but i'm still so far away from the goal. sometimes i don't know what i did to get here, because i feel like i haven't learned a damn thing in the past 4 years.

there are times when i want to give up so bad. i just want to leave.

but i can't. it's like i'm trapped.

i desperately want a vacation. i want to get out of here, out of this mess that i got myself in.

i should be studying for my exam tonight .. i should always be studying when i'm not, but i don't care. not right now. not while i'm trying to hold on to the last bit of sanity that i have left.

on a one to ten she's a certified twenty, but that just ain't me

yo, so lemme get out my semi-ghetto speak for this entry. i'm seeeerious, yo. it's that serious!

okay so first i was watching the challenge game show or whatever on channel 12 .. and i saw bishop ahr was competing! yeah so i don't know anyone anymore at that school -- my generation has up and graduated already -- but i was cheering for them! too bad the mother f'in pingry beat them. like dags. i knew it was because we don't learn that much random shit at bga.

and then today i was talking with my homie and i had some kind of frickin age life crisis or some shit! like damn, i was like, shit, how old am i!?! homie's brother christian is gonna be f'in 18 like for serious. FOR SERIOUS! i frickin met that kid when he was still small like 10 years old! daaags! iono what had haaappened! dags! i was like, i thought i was still at bishop ahr or somethin! man! and frickin her cousins alexa and zandrea [is that how you spell it?] are 15 and 6 [respectively going to be] and alexa's frickin in bishop ahr now!!!! like what the f is that! i still remember when she was 6 or 7 and writing me cute letters! i bet she doesn't even remember me anymore. that's okay. i am too old to be getting letters from baby cousins of my friends. haha. i am just sayin, where did my time go? dags, i still remember being at bishop ahr and writing in my xanga and shit. dags. i looked at my old xanga entries and it was serious! mary said xanga was a whole other lifetime. yeah, you right you right! i mean even know blogger is another slice of my life that i'm lookin at. i bet that when i read these entries years from now i might be kicking myself. i know i've grown up and shit but dags! high school was that long ago?! wtf .. LOL. so then i was like, on the website of bishop ahr and it all is like high tech and shit now and it's like, damn! that was a start up when i graduated! like what is that! sewing club!? wish i got that shit! i prolly woulda went to fashion school if i had that shit going on. forreeeals

yo i used to think that things happened for a reason or some junk like that, cause like, you know, i thought that maybe 9/11 happened so i could meet johan or whatever. and maybe that's true and maybe it's not, but it's like dags!

sometimes charles and i discuss about how we led parallel lives in high school and had mutual friends but we never really took the opportunity to talk and get to know each other and shit like that. cause you know i was like almost bff at one point with chris his bro bro and i din even know there was a such thing as charles. like dags! i din even talk to charles until college! and then i'm like yeah i think it was better that way because i was way too tryna be ghetto or some shit like that nah meean. charles is not ghetto except he listens to biggie smalls and tupac but he says "they got shot and died." LOL. he would think i was a loser. at least that is what i think he would be thinking but then like back when i was a total facebook stalker before lent i saw mad corny pictures of charles. hell yeah, we both are mature or whatevs now. yeah!

anyways, i guess my ghetto speak is over. chyeah back to pharm/poison/med chem!

ricochets off the moon and sets the forest ablaze

today is ash wednesday.

today i have to give up eating meat, fast, and do all things catholic.
today, i have given up facebook, social networking, youtube, wikipedia, and looking up dumb stuff on the internet to fulfill my curiosities. [well, except i looked up the lupe fiasco lyrics for the title of this post.]
today, i bombed my med chem quiz that i intended on studying for on sunday, monday, and tuesday - but i instead successfully wasted all of those days watching the superbowl, doing that mr. pharmacy bull, and going to new york while subsequently spending the evening with charles doing absolutely nothing productive.

then again, tuesday was mardi gras; maybe i can use that as an excuse. the excuse for my superfluous amount [i'm not going to call it a waste, because time enjoyed wasted is actually time well spent] of studying time that i instead used to hang out and be young and reckless.

but no, today, today is ash wednesday. the day for the beginning of my self-sacrifice. i'm not gonna say that i'm magically going to get my act together with this studying thing just because today is ash wednesday. i highly doubt that. but maybe, for the sheer fact that i come to believe that i hope to accomplish something today -- maybe i'll actually do something studious.

midterm time is soon approaching and i dread it - this semester i have had more information jammed down my throat in the past 3 weeks than i have ever had in any first 3 weeks of the past semesters i've had. i didn't have any introductory week. no, "welcome class, let's introduce you to this topic. let's talk about it."

no. instead i get "LEARN THIS BITCH -- NOW"
how's that for higher education?

in my previous experience i tend to bomb anything medchem related - i don't do well with sheer memorizing and i'm still trying to hold onto what semblance of a young life i have. i'm just too lazy, too tired, to stay here, and study, and accomplish anything. i have no motivation. who am i staying here for? i guess i should take a clue from andy who stays late studying on campus.

but it's a lonely existence - bookworming it up in the library.

honestly i don't think the material is the only thing that makes 4th year [P2] hard. i think it's a mental challenge - being able to handle and balance school and fun and everything in between.

for the past couple of weeks my mom has been on my case about going out on the weekdays.
i know she has a point, but then again, where's the slack i get for being young? i don't know.

anyways, again i have successfully spent studying time in exchange for mental stability. i feel it was time well spent.

♥ to my best in the world, jackie :)

i don't really care we can have it anywhere kind of love

forever was a minute, and eternity was a second ..

i only got away with taking this picture because charles was tipsy .. LOL

clumsy

yeah so remember that whole, bliss thing? the neverending state of happiness i was talking about?

yeah that's gone. it's faded out.
it's as if i was living in a dream for 2 weeks and suddenly i've woken up.

today was the second day of school and i just felt so .. so bland. like the vivacity i had was sucked out of me.

honestly, if you really want to know, i found last semester to be academically exciting. i know, i was crying, complaining that it was too hard, on the verge of getting not so nice grades -- but it was so academically stimulating. everything i was learning was so fresh, so new -- i was thrilled. it was hard, but i felt like, like .. you know what? i'm really smart to have gotten this far to be learning these things!

but now, it feels like waking up after a good night of dancing. or snowboarding, but i never been snowboarding before; but for all intents and purposes i'll use this also as an analogy. lol.
you know, you go to a great party. or, you go to new york city. and you dance and walk and dance the night away. and you have the one of the best days of your entire life, taking in all of the juice of life and it feels great!
but of course, you can't stay awake for the whole day [unless you're my Rx friends who pull all nighters LOL] and then you go to sleep. and then when you wake up the next morning it's like .. OUCH. you're tired, and sore, and just so out of it .. and all you can think about is "what the hell happened last night? it was fun, but damn!"

.. and that's how i feel like right now.

if you are what you say you are, a superstar

so i slightly changed my layout, you know, for valentine's day and all .. and my mom saw the banner i just made and started getting all these ideas ..

but it's like .. ever since charles went away to the philippines and then came back, it feels like we've been together in a state of unadulterated bliss. i feel so happy, so randomly happy, being with him, seeing him .. that it feels unnatural at times. i guess i've been spending so much time being unhappy, and stressed, that finally being truly happy scares me. but then again, i should enjoy all the happiness that i've been blessed with .. school is coming, and you know what that means. so, for the time being, right now, just let me enjoy my blissful time, with my cheesy banner showing how much i love this frickin tall guy. let me go back to those days where i could be honestly mushy and gushy like a crazed teenager. i guess it is better sometimes that charles doesn't read my blog, because i can be as brutally honest and as brutally sugary sweet as i want to. and eventually, i'll take this banner down, and put one that's simply design based.

at least, you can get a little slice of my life. you can see this person who makes me happy. and although my mom protests that this is like "bragging" or "broadcasting" charles and i's relationship, well, let me have it for these few moments. this isn't going to be a permanent banner! sigh.

i just love him! sorry! lol

2007 recap, however late!

The 2007 Survey
Did you change in 2007?:	I think so .. I feel older and wiser now lol
What was the best moment of 2007?:	my 21st birthday, yay!
Did you fall in love in 2007?:	I am always falling in love everyday with Charles [i know i'm corny shut up =)]
Did your life change in 2007?:	It changes a little everyday, but with school harder, yes
Will you remember 2007 as a good or bad year?:	I think it was both, but I'm gonna say it was better instead of worse
Bests of 2007
Song?:	Because of You - Ne-Yo
Album?:	probably Ne-Yo's album, Alicia Keys' album
Concert?:	hahaha .. I didn't go to any but Hanna Montana was bananas LOL
TV show?:	OMG ummmm Las Vegas, OMG!!! I KNOW! HOW IT'S MADE! THAT'S MY SHOW
Movie?:	Transformers!
Book?:	I don't know, Pharmacotherapy? LOL
Video Game?:	Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party!
Fashion Trend?:	Opaque Tights and Flats
New Craze?:	? I would say Wii but it came out in 2006 lol
Worsts of 2007
Song?:	Personally I think soulja boy is pretty dumb
Album?:	the corny ones
Artist?:	Britney Spears .. just a hot mess!
Movie?:	Well if they sucked I didn't see them LOL
Book?:	I don't read books anymore LOL
Tv Show?:	Tila Tequila's show!
Fashion Trend?:	UGGS WITH EVERYTHING, I HATE UGGS
Latest Craze?:	?
Random 2007 Questions
What concerts did you see?:	None, =(
What memories were the best?:	Memories with Charles and my bff buddies for life .. oh and work memories! and and .. my 21st birthday, and random jokes in school, eating at U-yees, etc etc
How were the holidays in 2007?:	lame! Christmas was lame, no one came, and New Year's was even more lame! SUPER LAME!
Did you keep your new years resoulution?:	I don't think I really made any .. Sam and I tried to be the Pussycat Dolls .. Charles thinks I'm a pussycat doll .. so maybe? ahahahahha
Do you have any regrets about 2007?:	Just the fact that I probably could have done better in school .. what else is new lol
Who were your celebrity crushes in 2007?:	Shia Labeouf, umm, Josh Duhamel, David Beckham hehe
What celebrities were you so sick of in 2007?:	Britney and Paris hands down
Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend in 2007?:	Charles! the amazing super deluxe tall guy! my favorite!!!
Did you go to a prom in 2007?:	I had a halfway done formal, does that count?
Did you graduate anything in 2007?:	nope, i wish!
Was your heart broken in 2007?:	I had my days
Did you loose any friends in 2007?:	Well I lost contact with a bunch of people because of school
Did you discover a new hobby in 2007?:	DDR and some other stuff .. teehee
Did you make any new friends?:	School friends! Work friends!
Did you conquer any fears?:	Yep .. fear of going out late lol
Did you move somewhere new in 2007?:	Nope!
What were your favorite inside jokes of 2007?:	Oh man, so many! But the best one is SEXY TIME! and AFFECTION, AFFECTION!
Did you aquire any new nicknames in 2007?:	not really
How was the summer of 2007?:	pretty good! but i worked most of the time
What song best describes your 2007?:	Beautiful Girls -- Sean Kingston
Take this survey Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

rock the casbah

so usually i'd be on time with the whole writing my entry for my birthday [fyi i'm really writing this on dec. 22] but since i went down to AC for my birthday, i kind of didn't have the time to bust out the laptop and write some things. a lot of things were going on like 12093812098 different ways .. and even though there were a lot of things that i could have done to be more .. efficient with planning, i wouldn't have changed a thing for my birthday. it was one of the best days of my life, spent with some of the people i love the most in this world. sure i was woozy and dizzy feeling, and achy, and my stomach aches from something, and i spent part of it in tears, and part of it in chunks.. it was a big day for me. i loved it.

yes, i know 21 comes with a reputation, and a responsibility in some ways, because i don't have an excuse that i usually use to not go to events and get-togethers for the 21 and over crowd. but then again, just because i am this age doesn't mean that the bar scene thing is really for me .. after all -- that woozy feeling? really not the best feeling. i think i was smiling and such with woozyness because i was just so happy it was my birthday lol. but really being woozy isn't fun!

anywhoots, my 21st birthday was really a day to remember. i'd post a lot of intricate details here but i think they're best left unsaid. and if you really want to know what happened, you'd have to ask me in person. lol.

it's true that they say you have to have bad times to realize the good times, because i certainly realized one of the best times.

i don't know what else to say .. but i could at least leave you with some pictures ..

flashy lights

i just want to make sure that i'm not dreaming and that i really did pass medchem ..

maybe i'm feelin' myself too much i guess

everyone always wants what they can't have.

there were a bunch of people who wanted to be in my pharmacy program back when i was a freshman -- i guess the prospect of a secure job and future was enticing to a bunch of people .. like i've been saying, i fell into pharmacy unexpectedly and blindly, but since i'm in it i might as well finish what i've started.

when i was in high school, the fr3sh dance troupe had just started up and everyone was dying to be in it. heck, i even tried out once and i have the grace of limp bird. everyone wanted to be in it because if you were in it, everyone knew you .. you always looked fabulous dancing on the stage, wearing the flashy semi-coordinated-yet-still-shreddedly-individualistic outfits. it was the top of social networking before tila tequila took over myspace.

recently i have to admit, i tried out for the annual super asian fashion show that they hold here at rutgers. i mainly did it for fun, and because my group of friends in pharmacy school were overly excited about trying out for it. there was a part of me deep down inside that knew that my chances of making it in were slim -- like i said, i have the grace of a limp bird and i am more unfashionable than ugly betty. however, i still wanted to make it. after all, no one likes rejection.

the tryout for the fashion show was complicated like america's next top model .. i swear, it was worse than trying out for tyra and ms. j alexander. shit, it's not like i was up for an elite modeling agency contract. i wouldn't even get paid to be in this fashion show [if i had made it.]
this one lady who came in to "teach" the runway "walk" was way too intense -- no offense, but she was acting like this was the john galliano dior fashion show. and you don't even have to teach those girls how to walk the way she was trying to teach us how to walk. like damn! [sorry, but she was scary!]

sadly, i didn't make it into the fashion show. the guy who called me had such great timing --
as i was walking from the student center to my exam room my cell phone rings. mind you i'm in this zone because i'm already having an anxiety attack that i might fail my med chem exam.

"hello, is this angelica?"
"yeah.."
"hi, i'm just calling to inform you that unfortunately, you have not been selected to be in the china nite fashion show. out of a pool of ### candidates, only ## were chosed, and unfortunately, you weren't one of them .. [continues on and on ]
"uhhuh, uhuh, okay .."

in my head i was like, cut the bullcrap, i didn't make it. sugar coating it doesn't help.

now of course, like i said, i can't have this, and for a slight moment, [okay maybe not that slight because after all, i am blogging about this] i really did want it. i wanted to feel like i could prove myself as if i was still in high school. like i could be one of those girls who everyone in a certain interconnected network knew [i hesitate to use the term popular, because there are varying degrees of popularity -- someone could be popular in one circle and a virtual unknown in the next] but as history tends to repeat itself, i was once again an awkward individual excluded from an elite membership.

i didn't cry about it though, because this isn't the first time i've been shafted. heck, i get shafted every day in pharmacy school. [did you hear about my 4 week hospital rotation?!? helllerrrrr] and plus, isabella was just born so how could i be sad when such a cute baby has come into my life. i did my best to try to think of everything i've been blessed with -- school, my family, friends, charles .. so the pity didn't last for that long.

not everyone has the opportunity to go to school and not everyone has the opportunity to have godchildren and nieces and nephews. some people get excited when they have 1 for the first time -- i'm up to about 3. [plus isabella, she's my newest niece] i'm pretty lucky that i have a bunch of kids calling, "ninang angie! ninang angie!" people usually tell me, "i wish i could have godchildren."

to which i often respond, "hahahaha .. well you don't have to buy presents for them"
just kidding of course, i'm so happy to be ninang-status.

some people don't have the opportunity to fall in love and others have fallen out of it.
some people want to fall in love.

some people don't have the brains that other people have

i'm lucky that charles and i are still together. lol.

as much as people try and try to be something they're not, or try to get things that they think will make them into who they want to be, or hang out with people who they think will get them to where they want to go ..

i think we tend to forget who we really are inside.. since we're too busy trying to be someone else.

i don't know if i'll ever have the model stature that tyra has, or that alessandra ambrosio has.
i don't know if i'll ever dance like people do in california.
maybe i don't have the right attitude, or personality, or "fierce" or whatever they call it.
maybe i was never meant to model for some chinese fashion show.. or any fashion show.

i think i have to stop wishing of trying to one up everyone, and instead just be happy where i am right now.

i think i'm going to go to bed, good night!

it's the most wonderful time of the year .. kind of

welcome to the world

isabella !!

so my cousin is officially with child! YAY .. i'm so happy, because now there is another cute little girl to play with and make faces at. the only downside, jenn is now a mom -- which means that she's on mom-side now and she won't advocate for me to go out anymore .. BOOOOO.

but whatevs! she is soo super cutes. she is going to be a hot half asian baby in the future.. gotta love the half-breeds .. tee hee

oh yeah jenn is a trooper she didn't even have an epidural or anything! like damn! she pushed that baby out of her lady parts! man!
but anyways, congrats to jenn and donald! yay for you you're parents now! woooooo :)

quote of the day:

"all babies look like winston churchill." -- some guy in the elevator
LOL


on another note, i'll be 21 in a matter of 18 days [OMG IT IS COMINGGG]
how exciting! weeeeeeeeee

i don't feel like studying my 140+ drugs that i gots to know for my exam on friday.

i really want to go see the rockefeller christmas tree in new york as well as the 5th ave store windows .. i hope that maybe i can see them this weekend since jenn already gave birth .. nyahaha

i want the tall guy for christmas. :) charles, i love you <3

props to my best for being the best :)

if you ask me i'll deny

so easily i can snap. i feel like it still hurts even though i thought i was over it already. but i don't even know what my problem is .. i thought that venting would help, i thought telling some of my friends would help, but it still doesn't. it still eats me up inside. i'm so distracted, i can't focus on pharmacology, i feel like i've given up on studying. i don't know what it is. in my head, i know it's unreasonable -- i know that i'm being unreasonable. but my heart still hurts. it still aches. and it's not because of charles, because when i think of him i smile and all i can recall are the warm memories of him. he gets severely irritated because sometimes i tend to snap at him, the poor guy, unknowing of what he did, or what's bothering me.

and lucky for him, it's not him. [joke]

i don't know why it continues to bother me. mary and i had our bonding time today, and sometimes it takes mary to talk me out of being unreasonable.. she said, "it's not their fault. you can't be mad at them. be mad at the fact .." and she's right. very right. i would say completely right, but like i said, part of me refuses to accept it. i'm trying to force all of me to accept it, so that maybe i could finally move on with my life and study for my damn exam. but it won't go away .. but then again maybe i'm rushing things and i'm not giving things enough time or i'm not giving myself enough time to let it go. this isn't the first time i've felt this way about things, and before it was easier to let it go. i don't know what's making it harder this time around to let it go, maybe it's a combination of stress and frustration. it gets frustrating and tiring to deal with the every day sometimes. mary said that it'll all pay off one day .. that failure ends up in success because i'm ang and ang doesn't fail. i was happy to drive on the turnpike today.

though sometimes being in such an organized program does have its shining moments, especially when you know that you're not alone. it's always hard to realize that your path takes you on a different route that you first intended. i know that haterade is not good for my system. it's just so easy to be focused on one point of view .. to consistently be on the inside looking out, feeling like no one could understand the pain, the torture, the frustration, the everything. i always have the desire to get away, and i think it was more about being able to get away than to actually get away. i wanted to prove -- prove that i had something worth anything. i keep holding on to the fact that whatever it is i have is worth something .. and it probably is worth more than i'm crediting it.

people say that the value of one's life is measured more by the friends and the family that one has -- that those relationships, those lessons learned are more valuable than anything materialistic, hedonistic, in the world. that maybe one person in your life could be worth more than everything you could wish you had. sometimes it just takes that one person to realize that everything in life isn't a complete loss. that, that i'm not at a complete loss.

best friend says that one day, our day in the sun will come. that we'll come out on top. i hope so. i guess i should study my pharmacology so i'll be set to come out on top --

lean back

there was something calling me to record my thoughts tonight .. i don't even know what it is. so maybe my stream of consciousness will rapidly record in 15 minutes because you know, drug delivery is not going to study itself.

it's finally cold in new jersey and the weather finally feels like november even though in my mind i still think it's the beginning of the school year. this semester is the fastest one yet, i feel like every day just fades into thin air, and my birthday is coming a lot faster than expected. i feel a little lost, a little lonely, all around confused sometimes. it's kind of funny that after 20 everything seems to start going at hyperspeed. it's not even like i'm trying to live this fast, lol.

no doubt i'm pretty excited to celebrate my 21st. .. it's actually considered golden because my birthday also happens to fall on the 21st .. so of course, we have to go out with a bang. i feel like i'm planning a sweet 16 again just 5 years later minus the cotillion and fancy party hall and DJ lady with the lizard on her back. i miss my cousin alvin [he was my sweet 16 escort], he was such a fob 5 years ago and he's come a long way. still quite the ladies' man, but surprisingly monogamous for the past times i've spoken to him. good for you, cuz! :)

around this time i remember making funny favors with bows on the back. and i got a lot of weird stuff for my 16th birthday .. especially a lot of jewelry. not to be completely materialistic, but i realized that the 21st birthday is a pretty sucky birthday for presents. i have a feeling that 90% of the presents that i'm going to get are going to be alcoholic drinks. that sucks! i don't even think i can drink that much -- [and i know i can't take it home and freeze it and make demented ice pops] -- well, another reason why i had to spoil myself with the heart pendant. cuz i know no one is going to be giving me anything as near as nice as what i got myself. [i know, i know, your presence at my secret party is priceless .. i know. =P] i feel like i should have given my friends something better for their 21st birthdays now that i think about it .. well, actually i did because i gave one of my friends a scrapbook and one a martini glass. and for charles' 21st birthday i gave him chocolate chip cookies and a happy birthday bear. i am particularly quite fond of that happy birthday bear with the cake on the top of his head.

well i've successfully wasted a good hour writing in here when i should have read drug delivery.

but that's okay, i'll read it again before i sleep. and then again before the exam tomorrow.

yay

how to save a life

so i got to thinking-- procrastinating, actually-- about something that's been in the back of my mind ever since orgo bit me in the ass and people at panera asked me if i was in medical school.

sam and i had a conversation about switching majors one day and possibly dropping out of pharmacy school to go to medical school. i thought about it, sam was thinking about it .. but then we both stuck it out, and now here we are, P2's [4th years] in the midst of studying therapeutics for our cardio exam on monday. i still think about it, about why i didn't go to medical school instead .. as i watch my pre-med friends apply for further education. i know that if i really, really, REALLY wanted to go to medical school, i would have. i would have applied to the accelerated program and gotten in [well, i would think i would. lol] but i decided against it, because i didn't know what i wanted in life, and i blindly fell into pharmacy. [and in the back of my mind i swore to myself that i wouldn't work retail .. but it's looking like a pretty good opportunity for some how]

my mom's a doctor, and she was the one who told me not to go to medical school. she said that i couldn't handle it [i know how encouraging] and that pharmacy is better for me. yes, she thought that. and she's a doctor. you would have thought she would be all for me going for medical school. sometimes she gives me slack that i'm just a pharmacy student and not a doctor, and it's kind of a double edged sword, since she was the one who told me to go into this field in the first place. because, you know, i don't diagnose. i just give out fucking medication. so it's like, what is this all for? if people are not going to give me slack for learning this shit, why should i? why should i give a crap about therapeutics when the doctor over there thinks he/she is the know-it-all .. do they really need me? they can get their own medication then! DAMMIT .. i want pharmacy to make a difference. and i'm not talking about the politicking. i'm talking about, when you're taking your medication, and you feel funny, call the pharmacist. because GOD knows that we'll know a lot more about what you're taking than anyone else. especially if you're on a new med. i mean, people are on 1203981209318 meds these days. and yeah, i have to know everything about those 1231023801298 meds. i know the doctor would know what is wrong with you, because they know symptoms and stuff like that, but still. trust me. trust the pharmacist.

i thought the dean was being a nutty guy, but he was right. i really wish that pharmacists had the respect that they deserve. even nurses deserve more slack than people give them -- after all, they have to learn what we have to learn and the physicians still think that they're better than us. after all, who checks on you in the hospital when you're sick? who do you call? [no, not ghostbusters] you call the nurse. so to all the nurses, props to you too! and props to the DO's; i think they don't get the respect that they deserve, especially since they are almost the same as western med MDs.

you know, they don't make nurses and pharmacists go on rotations/clinicals for nothing.

now to all the pre-meds and med students out there, don't think this is a personal attack on you all. to doctors, you are all very special people and you save lives and all that good stuff. but remember, you can't do everything. you don't know everything. remember that there are more people to the healthcare team than just you.

can't help but wait

so this is how part of my day goes like .. drug info is kind of boring and i have internet connection. and, well, i haven't updated in a while. sorry guys

i spend all my time in this godforsaken room .. LOL

when she falls asleep i draw pictures on her notes.

we're really not that excited, haha.

i can't wait to go home .. damn.

<3 to the bestfriend, the end

like water for chocolate

hello ladies and gentlemen! well this past week was free transit week fo njtransit .. so you know what that means! adventures in new york city in picture form!

first off, homie and i have the luck of the gods because we made it to the train station just in time to make the 5:43 train! it was pretty awesome because if we missed it we would have to wait another hour for the next train. and then they didn't even check our coupons so it was like we went on the train for free free, if you know what i mean. lol

then i went on a chocolate adventure with my one and only homie to chocolate by the bald man near union square. i must say, that place is like a small chocolate heaven. oh yes. homie and i were very excited to go and indulge in all of our chocolate fantasies.

and then before we got our orders we got free chocolates courtesy of ABC and their new show, big shots. i must say, savoring each little bite made it soooo worth it. ahhhhh delicious!

and then i got to indulge in waffle-y goodness .. ahhh a banana split waffle with chocolate sauce and strawberries and ice cream! MMMMMMM .. ahhhhh .. it was so good, i couldn't even finish it because i got a stomach ache at the very end. hahaha

homie's order also looked suuuuuper delicious too .. waffles with strawberries on top! oooo baby!

and then afterwards, i saved 2 of the chocolates and took them home since i couldn't have any more decadence. lol.

then homie and i ventured to DSW shoes which was like shoe heaven! i saw these awesome guess boots that made me look like sex .. sadly they cost $100! :( so sadness. oh well ..

afterwards we met up with gillian and andy the flying ace and ended up getting into the view rooftop lounge! it looked sooo "posh" [as homie likes to call it =)] and i didn't get carded! WHOA! but it was cool because i only ordered a sprite that was incredibly overpriced. of course, the "view" was worth it .. especially seeing it rotate! i want to go back there again and also to the other lounges in the marriott marquis. what a nice hotel! all thanks to bradley for being our server guy.

photo courtesy of homie's facebook LOL

finally, when we left the view, homie and i BEASTED walking back to penn station .. i got to order a hotdog from a vendor which was sooo awesome [dirty i know, but i always wanted to eat a hot dog from a cart!] and we made it just in time to catch the last call for boarding of the 11:15 pm train. BEAST! i know :)

and then, to top off our day, we came home and homie had some banana cake before she went home. what a wonderful and fortuituous day!

i can't wait for free transit week again next semester. more adventures!

anywhos, time for studying and 1-propanamine, 3-(2-choloro-9H-thoxanthen-9-ylidene)N,N-dimethyl. beat that, beeeech!

♥ to the best-est friend i could ever have! i loves ya jackie!

bebot bebot

wow, so sitting here in the computer lab i totally lost my train of thought. i was about to start typing my entire, "honors thesis" type "what it means to be a filipina american" blog for you, but people started coming in and blah blah blah. but on the flip side [haha like that pun?] i think the lab has calmed down, i don't have to take stats for about 20 minutes, and i can finally get my thoughts straight. thanks to the magic of the internet, i could also save this and continue later. ah, the beauty of technology.



but anyways, so i feel like this kind of blog has been a long time coming; probably as far back as i've been in high school, i've always wanted to speak about this subject. it's near and dear to my heart, and i haven't really found anything that really delves into the heart of the matter. i mean, there have been superficial accounts about it, such as, "filipinos in new jersey" or something generic about it, talking about how we like to eat lumpia and pray in church and dance in lines. but do people, especially filipino americans themselves, really see past the surface? not many people like to acknowledge or talk about the inner workings of the filipino american network. actually, most high school aged and college aged filipino americans deny of any type of heirarchy actually existing, or faithfully look down upon being part of such an organization (e.g. "i hate how filipinos are so cliquey"; "she's part of them"; "that's his crew" "i'm not like that, i'm not cliquey"), but somehow, you can't escape associating with people who are of the same culture. unbeknownst to people who turn their noses at people who associate with their own race, this phenomenon is common among people of every type of race. white people usually compose their circle of friends with mostly white people, black people usually join groups of other black people, spanish people have their own group, and each asian race usually associates with themselves so as to be able to converse in their native language like FOBs. (sorry about that last one, i was just annoyed from class yesterday morning. lol.)



however, despite the fact that filipinos obiviously elicit some kind of comfort associating with other filipinos, there are a select few who get uncomfortable in the presence of a mass of filipinos. but why, you may ask. sometimes the ones who get the most uncomfortable around these masses are also the ones who complain about the exclusivity of the filipino group. this of course, seems logical, as the one who is not part of the group feels uncomfortable being excluded. this is a normal situation with anyone who feels left out of any type of group.



but at the same time, some that complain about the exclusivity are part of a group that exemplifies the characteristics of the exclusive filipino group. of course, this is a paradox that not many understand. this is one of the things that has been mystifying me since the end of my eighth grade.

now to give you a little background on myself, [for those of you who know me and who read my blog on daily basis, you don't really need to hear this haha] i've always lived in edison, nj for my whole life. i've basically been surrounded by my family since about 80-90% of my mother's side lives in new jersey. i never really had a reason to be part of the "group" because my family was my filipino group. well, i also was pretty sheltered growing up, so i didn't go out much either. i guess you could say, in the back of my mind, i had the insecurity of feeling left out. even to this day i still carry that kind of feeling, and i'm 20 years old and in my 4th year of college.

but when i got to college, there were others who felt insecure, who wanted to make new filipino friends without the intimidation of the larger mass. i could empathize with them. one of the common statements i often hear is "i always feel like i'm being judged when i'm surrounded by filipinos." i mean, do you ever notice that? as a filipino in this day and age in the american society, do you often feel judged? some people would rather not admit it because no one likes to point the finger at one of their own. sometimes, when in the presence of the larger mass, it often feels like a competition -- who knows the most people, who has the best outfit, who has the coolest shoes. and somehow, it gets to me, that i should have to prove myself to someone, when i am just sitting down in the crowd. but does it really matter? does how well you dance, or how well you play the guitar, or how new your outfit is.. does it really matter? after all, why should it be an issue; people often say that it is more important to be yourself. so why does it often feel like i have to blend in? maybe this could be just some sociological idea that comes from being part of a group.

going back to the idea of the clique, my filipino friends and i often comment about the exclusivity of filipino clique while at the same time forming our own small clique of 5 filipinos. though sometimes i feel like it's not exclusively filipino, 2 of the guys that we tend to associate with on a daily basis are indian and chinese. to add to that, there are dozens of cliques in the pharmacy program already -- the koreans, the indians, the other indians, the other other indians [lol], the people in the sorority, the transfer students, the people in the fraternity, the white people, and some other cliques that i can't name from the top of my head. so although we are a small microcosm of the bigger filipino society, i've come to the conclusion that it's not as big of an issue as one that i'm trying to tackle with this immense post of mine.

now i'm not sure if this point is entirely relevant to what i was trying to get at, but my friend ana pointed out to me that although this entire filipino society prides itself on being filipino at times, it tends to ignore things that usually are important when realizing one's heritage. in the words of ana, "they all claim, 'filipino pride' 'filipino pride' and all that bs, but they can't even get one question about the philippines right? thats bs right there." but i guess that also runs along the lines of some united states citizens -- when i watch "jaywalking" on jay leno, most of the people he asks don't know the answers to common facts about the united states. of course, i credit that to a lack of being well-informed, as well as a lack of remembering things. but being as we're from america, it's quite sad. but ana also pointed out the lack of drive that people had to try and push for our filipino studies program here at rutgers. "they claim they're proud, but they won't even push for our filipino class." and on that note, of course, it makes one seem like a hypocrite, being proud to be filipino but refusing to learn about oneself.

it's like that old filipino proverb, "Ang hindî marunong lumingón sa pinanggalingan ay hindî makararatíng sa paroroonan."

He who does not look back from where he came will never reach his destination.

so i guess, in closing, "what does this all mean, ang?"

what i'm trying to get at with all these things that i've said, is that we as filipinos here on the east coast should try to make more of an effort as a community to organize and get things done. we should stop judging each other and trying to outdo each other and just be thankful for all of the talent. i think that less emphasis should be put on the performing and more on the intellectual. there are a lot of smart filipinos out there. it would be nice for us to unite and give a voice to who we are, to let the rest of the united states know that there is more to our culture than the singing and the dancing and the pretty clothes. because in the end, those things don't really do much for you. in the end, it tends to just be about you, yourself. as big and as massive as the young adult filipino mass society is, it's also transient. once the real world comes it won't be about how many people you knew in college or high school anymore. there is a rich history to the philippines, to the people that came here trying to find a better life.

the end.

and <3 goes to my bestfriend, the el salvadorenian queen herself. :)

i'm like a bird

so i had a pretty long day today .. cardio class at hill, and then ARC was beast while i was working, there was like 10293810298301 people coming into the lab continuously for 4 hours until i left late at 4:15 because my relief didn't show up, and then i had to drive to the ville to charles house so we could go together to his bball game at st. ambrose against the bridge [:shakes fist: :mutters under breath:] i didn't get much studying done because of all the going around and moving around, but you know, i have to show my support for the tall guy as he battles the other dudes on the court. funny .. i never scream out his name during the game, sometimes i forget he's actually playing .. probably because sometimes his agression and forwardness kind of embarrasses me .. did i mention that when i first met charles way way way back -- i'm talking about, i was still going out with johan, that's how far back i have a distinct memory of encountering charles -- that i thought he was one cocky son-of-a-beach, and even when i met him at nicole's i was like, "wtf is this guy's problem .. [but damn, he's cute LOL .. hah ;)]" and sometimes he still comes off like that; but i forgive him, because underneath that whole semi-macho i-wanna-be-manly exterior is a big huggable cuddle bear .. well, until he tries to pull sexy time on me. then he's cuddling for sexy time! grrr .. after trying my best to divert the sexy time feelings with a blue piece of string, i realize that i wanted some sexy time. but alas, i could not, and charles wasn't in the mood anymore because he wanted to exert some "control." riiiiiiiiiiight ..

but anyways, as you can tell, i've just been going at things like a mile a minute .. when i was walking to my cardio ther class from eohsi [i had to get some research stuffs to work on] i had like 10 mins to get there, and i was like scrambling to get to class, walking like a beast! i felt like i was walking a marathon. and after work, i hadn't eaten any lunch because the comp lab was so busy, so i was basically going on almost pure adrenaline driving to charles house. yes, i know, i tend to be beasting like that sometimes. i'm not as shocked about things this time around about school .. though my classmates are already freaking me out, with the "did you start studying yet angelica" "did you get your books yet angelica" "did you start reading yet angelica"

heller! it's just the first week of school! but i understand, we don't have time to bullshit around anymore and we can't just cram shit in our heads like we used to .. we can't fall behind. but as much as i'd like to act like i'm totally stressed, i need to take a chill pill! damn! when i started school, i could already feel like rutgers had a different vibe to it this year .. maybe because i'm 4th year now .. but it feels like things are going off to a really slow start, because everything [like clubs and stuff] is starting during the 2nd week of school instead of the first. heck, i didn't even hear anything about RAPS. but maybe i really am getting old, i'm almost ready for the real world, but at the same time, i heard it's really boring! probably because there's no more social drinking with your college buddies. oh well .. i can't wait to travel after i graduate ^_^

she's freaky, but i like it

and so, my summer is coming to a close .. with the approach of labor day comes the unofficial end of the sunshine season. me and the units hit up the hotspot of new jersey -- Atlantic City! -- lol, but it was still a good time since they have that snazzy mall that borders on short hills meets menlo on the beach. sometimes it's good to end up at a mall, especially when you have "emergency" purchases to make. at least i got to exit middlesex county for a day .. it was just too crowded and full of cheesy people down at the boardwalk. sigh.

yesterday charles and i attended a wedding .. my mom kept thinking i was being a "wedding crasher" because she didn't know if i was "on the invitation" .. but i was, [yes, that's me, "and Guest"] and it was really nice to go to a wedding of someone you're not related to .. after so many filipino weddings that take 1.5-2 hours, it was refreshing to be at a ceremony that was only an hour, including communion! i kept glancing at charles every so often, and then he said,

"hey, don't start thinking about weddings, okay."
"what?"
"i see that look in your eye. i know that thought crossed your mind!"

HEY, you can't blame me -- after all, we are at a wedding, and it doesn't help that you look handsome in a suit.. sigh .. ;)

i mean, it's not the first time charles and i have mentioned getting married -- albeit to perhaps, it might be different people, haha -- and i know i shouldn't get ahead of myself.. after all, i'm only 20, i still have to finish school, and enjoy, as my mom puts it, and et cetera, blah blah blah ..
but sometimes, it feels nice to know that you have someone, right there, that you're the date-- the girlfriend -- to the wedding. it feels nice to hold someone's hand and have someone to slow dance with to the oldie songs.

school starts on tuesday and i'm not sure if i'm mentally ready for it .. i'm not in summer mindset either since i spent the whole summer working with no real vacations. i hope it's a good year this year .. the schedule doesn't seem to be so bad, unlike 5th year, which looks like it totally sucks. damn ..

anyways, i'm going to sleep. good night ..

once again, enjoy the musical stylings of justice, please




<3 to:
the homie; well, if not vegas, hopefully, we can party it up jersey girl style in AC. hehe. vacation next year? yessss
bestfriend, the jackie; ahahaha, no, charles doesn't need cialis. LOL! and do take that mini trip to NJ for the celebration of my birth, the borgata is pretty nowadays. =) we are due for another ang+jackie adventure!