if you ask me i'll deny

so easily i can snap. i feel like it still hurts even though i thought i was over it already. but i don't even know what my problem is .. i thought that venting would help, i thought telling some of my friends would help, but it still doesn't. it still eats me up inside. i'm so distracted, i can't focus on pharmacology, i feel like i've given up on studying. i don't know what it is. in my head, i know it's unreasonable -- i know that i'm being unreasonable. but my heart still hurts. it still aches. and it's not because of charles, because when i think of him i smile and all i can recall are the warm memories of him. he gets severely irritated because sometimes i tend to snap at him, the poor guy, unknowing of what he did, or what's bothering me.

and lucky for him, it's not him. [joke]

i don't know why it continues to bother me. mary and i had our bonding time today, and sometimes it takes mary to talk me out of being unreasonable.. she said, "it's not their fault. you can't be mad at them. be mad at the fact .." and she's right. very right. i would say completely right, but like i said, part of me refuses to accept it. i'm trying to force all of me to accept it, so that maybe i could finally move on with my life and study for my damn exam. but it won't go away .. but then again maybe i'm rushing things and i'm not giving things enough time or i'm not giving myself enough time to let it go. this isn't the first time i've felt this way about things, and before it was easier to let it go. i don't know what's making it harder this time around to let it go, maybe it's a combination of stress and frustration. it gets frustrating and tiring to deal with the every day sometimes. mary said that it'll all pay off one day .. that failure ends up in success because i'm ang and ang doesn't fail. i was happy to drive on the turnpike today.

though sometimes being in such an organized program does have its shining moments, especially when you know that you're not alone. it's always hard to realize that your path takes you on a different route that you first intended. i know that haterade is not good for my system. it's just so easy to be focused on one point of view .. to consistently be on the inside looking out, feeling like no one could understand the pain, the torture, the frustration, the everything. i always have the desire to get away, and i think it was more about being able to get away than to actually get away. i wanted to prove -- prove that i had something worth anything. i keep holding on to the fact that whatever it is i have is worth something .. and it probably is worth more than i'm crediting it.

people say that the value of one's life is measured more by the friends and the family that one has -- that those relationships, those lessons learned are more valuable than anything materialistic, hedonistic, in the world. that maybe one person in your life could be worth more than everything you could wish you had. sometimes it just takes that one person to realize that everything in life isn't a complete loss. that, that i'm not at a complete loss.

best friend says that one day, our day in the sun will come. that we'll come out on top. i hope so. i guess i should study my pharmacology so i'll be set to come out on top --

lean back

there was something calling me to record my thoughts tonight .. i don't even know what it is. so maybe my stream of consciousness will rapidly record in 15 minutes because you know, drug delivery is not going to study itself.

it's finally cold in new jersey and the weather finally feels like november even though in my mind i still think it's the beginning of the school year. this semester is the fastest one yet, i feel like every day just fades into thin air, and my birthday is coming a lot faster than expected. i feel a little lost, a little lonely, all around confused sometimes. it's kind of funny that after 20 everything seems to start going at hyperspeed. it's not even like i'm trying to live this fast, lol.

no doubt i'm pretty excited to celebrate my 21st. .. it's actually considered golden because my birthday also happens to fall on the 21st .. so of course, we have to go out with a bang. i feel like i'm planning a sweet 16 again just 5 years later minus the cotillion and fancy party hall and DJ lady with the lizard on her back. i miss my cousin alvin [he was my sweet 16 escort], he was such a fob 5 years ago and he's come a long way. still quite the ladies' man, but surprisingly monogamous for the past times i've spoken to him. good for you, cuz! :)

around this time i remember making funny favors with bows on the back. and i got a lot of weird stuff for my 16th birthday .. especially a lot of jewelry. not to be completely materialistic, but i realized that the 21st birthday is a pretty sucky birthday for presents. i have a feeling that 90% of the presents that i'm going to get are going to be alcoholic drinks. that sucks! i don't even think i can drink that much -- [and i know i can't take it home and freeze it and make demented ice pops] -- well, another reason why i had to spoil myself with the heart pendant. cuz i know no one is going to be giving me anything as near as nice as what i got myself. [i know, i know, your presence at my secret party is priceless .. i know. =P] i feel like i should have given my friends something better for their 21st birthdays now that i think about it .. well, actually i did because i gave one of my friends a scrapbook and one a martini glass. and for charles' 21st birthday i gave him chocolate chip cookies and a happy birthday bear. i am particularly quite fond of that happy birthday bear with the cake on the top of his head.

well i've successfully wasted a good hour writing in here when i should have read drug delivery.

but that's okay, i'll read it again before i sleep. and then again before the exam tomorrow.

yay

how to save a life

so i got to thinking-- procrastinating, actually-- about something that's been in the back of my mind ever since orgo bit me in the ass and people at panera asked me if i was in medical school.

sam and i had a conversation about switching majors one day and possibly dropping out of pharmacy school to go to medical school. i thought about it, sam was thinking about it .. but then we both stuck it out, and now here we are, P2's [4th years] in the midst of studying therapeutics for our cardio exam on monday. i still think about it, about why i didn't go to medical school instead .. as i watch my pre-med friends apply for further education. i know that if i really, really, REALLY wanted to go to medical school, i would have. i would have applied to the accelerated program and gotten in [well, i would think i would. lol] but i decided against it, because i didn't know what i wanted in life, and i blindly fell into pharmacy. [and in the back of my mind i swore to myself that i wouldn't work retail .. but it's looking like a pretty good opportunity for some how]

my mom's a doctor, and she was the one who told me not to go to medical school. she said that i couldn't handle it [i know how encouraging] and that pharmacy is better for me. yes, she thought that. and she's a doctor. you would have thought she would be all for me going for medical school. sometimes she gives me slack that i'm just a pharmacy student and not a doctor, and it's kind of a double edged sword, since she was the one who told me to go into this field in the first place. because, you know, i don't diagnose. i just give out fucking medication. so it's like, what is this all for? if people are not going to give me slack for learning this shit, why should i? why should i give a crap about therapeutics when the doctor over there thinks he/she is the know-it-all .. do they really need me? they can get their own medication then! DAMMIT .. i want pharmacy to make a difference. and i'm not talking about the politicking. i'm talking about, when you're taking your medication, and you feel funny, call the pharmacist. because GOD knows that we'll know a lot more about what you're taking than anyone else. especially if you're on a new med. i mean, people are on 1203981209318 meds these days. and yeah, i have to know everything about those 1231023801298 meds. i know the doctor would know what is wrong with you, because they know symptoms and stuff like that, but still. trust me. trust the pharmacist.

i thought the dean was being a nutty guy, but he was right. i really wish that pharmacists had the respect that they deserve. even nurses deserve more slack than people give them -- after all, they have to learn what we have to learn and the physicians still think that they're better than us. after all, who checks on you in the hospital when you're sick? who do you call? [no, not ghostbusters] you call the nurse. so to all the nurses, props to you too! and props to the DO's; i think they don't get the respect that they deserve, especially since they are almost the same as western med MDs.

you know, they don't make nurses and pharmacists go on rotations/clinicals for nothing.

now to all the pre-meds and med students out there, don't think this is a personal attack on you all. to doctors, you are all very special people and you save lives and all that good stuff. but remember, you can't do everything. you don't know everything. remember that there are more people to the healthcare team than just you.

can't help but wait

so this is how part of my day goes like .. drug info is kind of boring and i have internet connection. and, well, i haven't updated in a while. sorry guys

i spend all my time in this godforsaken room .. LOL

when she falls asleep i draw pictures on her notes.

we're really not that excited, haha.

i can't wait to go home .. damn.

<3 to the bestfriend, the end

like water for chocolate

hello ladies and gentlemen! well this past week was free transit week fo njtransit .. so you know what that means! adventures in new york city in picture form!

first off, homie and i have the luck of the gods because we made it to the train station just in time to make the 5:43 train! it was pretty awesome because if we missed it we would have to wait another hour for the next train. and then they didn't even check our coupons so it was like we went on the train for free free, if you know what i mean. lol

then i went on a chocolate adventure with my one and only homie to chocolate by the bald man near union square. i must say, that place is like a small chocolate heaven. oh yes. homie and i were very excited to go and indulge in all of our chocolate fantasies.

and then before we got our orders we got free chocolates courtesy of ABC and their new show, big shots. i must say, savoring each little bite made it soooo worth it. ahhhhh delicious!

and then i got to indulge in waffle-y goodness .. ahhh a banana split waffle with chocolate sauce and strawberries and ice cream! MMMMMMM .. ahhhhh .. it was so good, i couldn't even finish it because i got a stomach ache at the very end. hahaha

homie's order also looked suuuuuper delicious too .. waffles with strawberries on top! oooo baby!

and then afterwards, i saved 2 of the chocolates and took them home since i couldn't have any more decadence. lol.

then homie and i ventured to DSW shoes which was like shoe heaven! i saw these awesome guess boots that made me look like sex .. sadly they cost $100! :( so sadness. oh well ..

afterwards we met up with gillian and andy the flying ace and ended up getting into the view rooftop lounge! it looked sooo "posh" [as homie likes to call it =)] and i didn't get carded! WHOA! but it was cool because i only ordered a sprite that was incredibly overpriced. of course, the "view" was worth it .. especially seeing it rotate! i want to go back there again and also to the other lounges in the marriott marquis. what a nice hotel! all thanks to bradley for being our server guy.

photo courtesy of homie's facebook LOL

finally, when we left the view, homie and i BEASTED walking back to penn station .. i got to order a hotdog from a vendor which was sooo awesome [dirty i know, but i always wanted to eat a hot dog from a cart!] and we made it just in time to catch the last call for boarding of the 11:15 pm train. BEAST! i know :)

and then, to top off our day, we came home and homie had some banana cake before she went home. what a wonderful and fortuituous day!

i can't wait for free transit week again next semester. more adventures!

anywhos, time for studying and 1-propanamine, 3-(2-choloro-9H-thoxanthen-9-ylidene)N,N-dimethyl. beat that, beeeech!

♥ to the best-est friend i could ever have! i loves ya jackie!

bebot bebot

wow, so sitting here in the computer lab i totally lost my train of thought. i was about to start typing my entire, "honors thesis" type "what it means to be a filipina american" blog for you, but people started coming in and blah blah blah. but on the flip side [haha like that pun?] i think the lab has calmed down, i don't have to take stats for about 20 minutes, and i can finally get my thoughts straight. thanks to the magic of the internet, i could also save this and continue later. ah, the beauty of technology.



but anyways, so i feel like this kind of blog has been a long time coming; probably as far back as i've been in high school, i've always wanted to speak about this subject. it's near and dear to my heart, and i haven't really found anything that really delves into the heart of the matter. i mean, there have been superficial accounts about it, such as, "filipinos in new jersey" or something generic about it, talking about how we like to eat lumpia and pray in church and dance in lines. but do people, especially filipino americans themselves, really see past the surface? not many people like to acknowledge or talk about the inner workings of the filipino american network. actually, most high school aged and college aged filipino americans deny of any type of heirarchy actually existing, or faithfully look down upon being part of such an organization (e.g. "i hate how filipinos are so cliquey"; "she's part of them"; "that's his crew" "i'm not like that, i'm not cliquey"), but somehow, you can't escape associating with people who are of the same culture. unbeknownst to people who turn their noses at people who associate with their own race, this phenomenon is common among people of every type of race. white people usually compose their circle of friends with mostly white people, black people usually join groups of other black people, spanish people have their own group, and each asian race usually associates with themselves so as to be able to converse in their native language like FOBs. (sorry about that last one, i was just annoyed from class yesterday morning. lol.)



however, despite the fact that filipinos obiviously elicit some kind of comfort associating with other filipinos, there are a select few who get uncomfortable in the presence of a mass of filipinos. but why, you may ask. sometimes the ones who get the most uncomfortable around these masses are also the ones who complain about the exclusivity of the filipino group. this of course, seems logical, as the one who is not part of the group feels uncomfortable being excluded. this is a normal situation with anyone who feels left out of any type of group.



but at the same time, some that complain about the exclusivity are part of a group that exemplifies the characteristics of the exclusive filipino group. of course, this is a paradox that not many understand. this is one of the things that has been mystifying me since the end of my eighth grade.

now to give you a little background on myself, [for those of you who know me and who read my blog on daily basis, you don't really need to hear this haha] i've always lived in edison, nj for my whole life. i've basically been surrounded by my family since about 80-90% of my mother's side lives in new jersey. i never really had a reason to be part of the "group" because my family was my filipino group. well, i also was pretty sheltered growing up, so i didn't go out much either. i guess you could say, in the back of my mind, i had the insecurity of feeling left out. even to this day i still carry that kind of feeling, and i'm 20 years old and in my 4th year of college.

but when i got to college, there were others who felt insecure, who wanted to make new filipino friends without the intimidation of the larger mass. i could empathize with them. one of the common statements i often hear is "i always feel like i'm being judged when i'm surrounded by filipinos." i mean, do you ever notice that? as a filipino in this day and age in the american society, do you often feel judged? some people would rather not admit it because no one likes to point the finger at one of their own. sometimes, when in the presence of the larger mass, it often feels like a competition -- who knows the most people, who has the best outfit, who has the coolest shoes. and somehow, it gets to me, that i should have to prove myself to someone, when i am just sitting down in the crowd. but does it really matter? does how well you dance, or how well you play the guitar, or how new your outfit is.. does it really matter? after all, why should it be an issue; people often say that it is more important to be yourself. so why does it often feel like i have to blend in? maybe this could be just some sociological idea that comes from being part of a group.

going back to the idea of the clique, my filipino friends and i often comment about the exclusivity of filipino clique while at the same time forming our own small clique of 5 filipinos. though sometimes i feel like it's not exclusively filipino, 2 of the guys that we tend to associate with on a daily basis are indian and chinese. to add to that, there are dozens of cliques in the pharmacy program already -- the koreans, the indians, the other indians, the other other indians [lol], the people in the sorority, the transfer students, the people in the fraternity, the white people, and some other cliques that i can't name from the top of my head. so although we are a small microcosm of the bigger filipino society, i've come to the conclusion that it's not as big of an issue as one that i'm trying to tackle with this immense post of mine.

now i'm not sure if this point is entirely relevant to what i was trying to get at, but my friend ana pointed out to me that although this entire filipino society prides itself on being filipino at times, it tends to ignore things that usually are important when realizing one's heritage. in the words of ana, "they all claim, 'filipino pride' 'filipino pride' and all that bs, but they can't even get one question about the philippines right? thats bs right there." but i guess that also runs along the lines of some united states citizens -- when i watch "jaywalking" on jay leno, most of the people he asks don't know the answers to common facts about the united states. of course, i credit that to a lack of being well-informed, as well as a lack of remembering things. but being as we're from america, it's quite sad. but ana also pointed out the lack of drive that people had to try and push for our filipino studies program here at rutgers. "they claim they're proud, but they won't even push for our filipino class." and on that note, of course, it makes one seem like a hypocrite, being proud to be filipino but refusing to learn about oneself.

it's like that old filipino proverb, "Ang hindî marunong lumingón sa pinanggalingan ay hindî makararatíng sa paroroonan."

He who does not look back from where he came will never reach his destination.

so i guess, in closing, "what does this all mean, ang?"

what i'm trying to get at with all these things that i've said, is that we as filipinos here on the east coast should try to make more of an effort as a community to organize and get things done. we should stop judging each other and trying to outdo each other and just be thankful for all of the talent. i think that less emphasis should be put on the performing and more on the intellectual. there are a lot of smart filipinos out there. it would be nice for us to unite and give a voice to who we are, to let the rest of the united states know that there is more to our culture than the singing and the dancing and the pretty clothes. because in the end, those things don't really do much for you. in the end, it tends to just be about you, yourself. as big and as massive as the young adult filipino mass society is, it's also transient. once the real world comes it won't be about how many people you knew in college or high school anymore. there is a rich history to the philippines, to the people that came here trying to find a better life.

the end.

and <3 goes to my bestfriend, the el salvadorenian queen herself. :)

i'm like a bird

so i had a pretty long day today .. cardio class at hill, and then ARC was beast while i was working, there was like 10293810298301 people coming into the lab continuously for 4 hours until i left late at 4:15 because my relief didn't show up, and then i had to drive to the ville to charles house so we could go together to his bball game at st. ambrose against the bridge [:shakes fist: :mutters under breath:] i didn't get much studying done because of all the going around and moving around, but you know, i have to show my support for the tall guy as he battles the other dudes on the court. funny .. i never scream out his name during the game, sometimes i forget he's actually playing .. probably because sometimes his agression and forwardness kind of embarrasses me .. did i mention that when i first met charles way way way back -- i'm talking about, i was still going out with johan, that's how far back i have a distinct memory of encountering charles -- that i thought he was one cocky son-of-a-beach, and even when i met him at nicole's i was like, "wtf is this guy's problem .. [but damn, he's cute LOL .. hah ;)]" and sometimes he still comes off like that; but i forgive him, because underneath that whole semi-macho i-wanna-be-manly exterior is a big huggable cuddle bear .. well, until he tries to pull sexy time on me. then he's cuddling for sexy time! grrr .. after trying my best to divert the sexy time feelings with a blue piece of string, i realize that i wanted some sexy time. but alas, i could not, and charles wasn't in the mood anymore because he wanted to exert some "control." riiiiiiiiiiight ..

but anyways, as you can tell, i've just been going at things like a mile a minute .. when i was walking to my cardio ther class from eohsi [i had to get some research stuffs to work on] i had like 10 mins to get there, and i was like scrambling to get to class, walking like a beast! i felt like i was walking a marathon. and after work, i hadn't eaten any lunch because the comp lab was so busy, so i was basically going on almost pure adrenaline driving to charles house. yes, i know, i tend to be beasting like that sometimes. i'm not as shocked about things this time around about school .. though my classmates are already freaking me out, with the "did you start studying yet angelica" "did you get your books yet angelica" "did you start reading yet angelica"

heller! it's just the first week of school! but i understand, we don't have time to bullshit around anymore and we can't just cram shit in our heads like we used to .. we can't fall behind. but as much as i'd like to act like i'm totally stressed, i need to take a chill pill! damn! when i started school, i could already feel like rutgers had a different vibe to it this year .. maybe because i'm 4th year now .. but it feels like things are going off to a really slow start, because everything [like clubs and stuff] is starting during the 2nd week of school instead of the first. heck, i didn't even hear anything about RAPS. but maybe i really am getting old, i'm almost ready for the real world, but at the same time, i heard it's really boring! probably because there's no more social drinking with your college buddies. oh well .. i can't wait to travel after i graduate ^_^

she's freaky, but i like it

and so, my summer is coming to a close .. with the approach of labor day comes the unofficial end of the sunshine season. me and the units hit up the hotspot of new jersey -- Atlantic City! -- lol, but it was still a good time since they have that snazzy mall that borders on short hills meets menlo on the beach. sometimes it's good to end up at a mall, especially when you have "emergency" purchases to make. at least i got to exit middlesex county for a day .. it was just too crowded and full of cheesy people down at the boardwalk. sigh.

yesterday charles and i attended a wedding .. my mom kept thinking i was being a "wedding crasher" because she didn't know if i was "on the invitation" .. but i was, [yes, that's me, "and Guest"] and it was really nice to go to a wedding of someone you're not related to .. after so many filipino weddings that take 1.5-2 hours, it was refreshing to be at a ceremony that was only an hour, including communion! i kept glancing at charles every so often, and then he said,

"hey, don't start thinking about weddings, okay."
"what?"
"i see that look in your eye. i know that thought crossed your mind!"

HEY, you can't blame me -- after all, we are at a wedding, and it doesn't help that you look handsome in a suit.. sigh .. ;)

i mean, it's not the first time charles and i have mentioned getting married -- albeit to perhaps, it might be different people, haha -- and i know i shouldn't get ahead of myself.. after all, i'm only 20, i still have to finish school, and enjoy, as my mom puts it, and et cetera, blah blah blah ..
but sometimes, it feels nice to know that you have someone, right there, that you're the date-- the girlfriend -- to the wedding. it feels nice to hold someone's hand and have someone to slow dance with to the oldie songs.

school starts on tuesday and i'm not sure if i'm mentally ready for it .. i'm not in summer mindset either since i spent the whole summer working with no real vacations. i hope it's a good year this year .. the schedule doesn't seem to be so bad, unlike 5th year, which looks like it totally sucks. damn ..

anyways, i'm going to sleep. good night ..

once again, enjoy the musical stylings of justice, please




<3 to:
the homie; well, if not vegas, hopefully, we can party it up jersey girl style in AC. hehe. vacation next year? yessss
bestfriend, the jackie; ahahaha, no, charles doesn't need cialis. LOL! and do take that mini trip to NJ for the celebration of my birth, the borgata is pretty nowadays. =) we are due for another ang+jackie adventure!

she will be loved just like a pill

you know, despite the horror stories, my 2 days rotating at cvs haven't been so bad. i guess i have to give some of the credit to the people that already work there .. they don't get irritated when i don't know where things are .. which is good, being as that i've never worked at the pharmacy store .. though i wish i would have paid more attention in pharm care, because i don't know brand from generic .. and it hurts pretty bad when the drugs are organized by brand/generic .. oh dean colaizzi, you were doing it for a reason .. i just hope my preceptor gives me a good grade because i can't really handle a C in IPE .. damn .. but apparently, it should be relatively painless to get an A .. as long as i don't try to steal some percoset or oxycodone or something. or xanax. or cialis ..

i feel like i really am learning something by rotating .. the RPH in charge [who's actually not my preceptor .. she doesn't come in until tomorrow] is really nice and takes time to explain things to me about interesting drugs and stuff .. and it felt nice to feel like my studies weren't in vain. it feels good to have a renewed sense of purpose for being in pharmacy school and getting that degree. i still don't know if i really want to go into retail as my job for the rest of my life, but doing it on the side for a little while doesn't seem like a bad idea.

i didn't realize how much i missed my friends from pharmacy school until now, when i'm about to go back to school. i can't wait to see them, and have our before-class/after-class chill sessions sitting in the lecture halls, trying to process everything around us. though this year i think i'm going to try hard to do more instead of only focusing on my studies .. i know that sounds counterintuitive, but i feel like i missed out on a lot when i was trying to get my footing and head in the pharmacy game. i think i'm going to try and play intramural volleyball or something .. or at least attempt to dance in battle for the almost-last time [almost-last because technically i'd be a senior, and this is gillian's last year.] and do other things before i become a "grad school" pharmacy person thing.

i guess what also makes things a little easier is that i am looking forward to going on vacation over winter break .. i'm waiting on booking things just in case pharmacy school decides to surprise me and do something over break .. *crosses fingers* also .. it's so that i have enough money to actually buy the ticket and all .. haha. i really really want to go on a vacation at least one time while i'm in college so i can experience the whole "i went on vacation when i was young in school" type thing .. i was aiming for spring break but unfortunately i don't have the same break as all my friends. but then again, i might go again for spring break somewhere .. maybe? maybe not? only GOD knows.. it's just hard because alot of my friends are working stiffs now, and it's hard to ever plan anything like a day out [yes, day, because it's easier to call up people to go to the bar than it is to plan a daytrip to the beach .. and yeah, i'm not used to the whole club scene .. i was, but i guess i've become a little jaded and i don't mind waiting until my birthday .. except when charles goes out, sometimes i feel like he makes me feel inferior because i don't go out like he does .. of course, i also make more money than he does, so i guess things even out somehow.] but i guess that's the territory that comes with growing up. gian's birthday is this saturday, and i guess i'm leaning towards going now .. maybe it's a sense of revenge, even though charles would be back already, and i know he's on vacation so he doesn't have to call me, but he did for a week, he should have just not called me .. motherfff .. argh .. but i just have to swallow it like a big pill of acyclovir or something .. but all that .. all that's a whole other entry

in closing, i'd like to leave you with this, courtesy of my homie and justice




peace.

i ain't tryna save that girl

well time for another mindless yet amusing update! since i don't have much to say, and i want to sleep before 1 [because of work, lol, nyeheh] i'll try and use picture form to speed things up! ready, go!

so i was planning to watch the simpsons movie but i ended up not .. i heard it was just "okay" and i am too broke to try and spend 10 bucks to watch a movie that's an hour and a half and only okay .. however, i finally got that stupid simpsonize me site to work after a week and i must say i think the results are similar, to a point ..

well, i wasn't that tan at the time of the original picture, but i sure am that tan now! haha. anyways, i guess i'll wait to watch it later on .. when it comes out on dvd .. haha .. too bad spider pig.

in other news i finally got that wii .. though now i'm 250+ in the hole and so far only have the wii sports and 1 controller to play with.. by myself. needless to say i did get bored a little too quickly. i'm sure it'll get more fun once i spend the extra money for the extra controller. and another game. too bad i don't have a picture of my mii here to show you all!

school is starting in roughly a month and i must say i was more psyched about the incoming school year than i was coming in to 3rd year. i hope a positive attitude will help me to do better in school .. because well, i need it, and it's do or die time. let's do, shall we?

august is looking to be a pretty packed month full of the "no-money" and the free labor, and other things. i guess keeping busy equates to keeping focused? maybe so, maybe not. i'm sorry to everyone who i planned to hang out with this summer and didn't .. work sure did get the best of me this time. maybe we can squeeze it in still for august .. maybe .. but then again ..

i think that's the end of what i have to say. sorry i didn't use more pictures! oh well, maybe for next time. good night everyone, don't stay up too late. =)

<3 to:

marielle; NYC really does have everything! nah, i'm done with my summer classes .. just been working and stuffs. yeah, the XXI thing in "hoodbridge" [haha] is the new forever 21. they relocated and some shit like that. their stuff doesn't fit me like it used to .. so sad. i hope you have a happy monday too tomorrow!
jackie; one day i hope to go to paris .. the real one! let's! but come to nyc too we have more adventures to take. i am so saving and blowing it off on a wii all at the same time .. haha. and yes, i'm on time for work .. 90% of the time .. hahaha :)

midnight fire

damn, it's been that long that i haven't updated my blogger? goodness gracious, i can't let that amount of time pass like that .. i failed miserably in writing one entry per week .. so sad!

so charles called me from target and told me he found the silver surfer figurine that i impulsively paid $14 for -- he found it there, at target, for 5 BUCKS!

he offered to buy it for me again, for sentimental reasons, but i said no. awwww .. he's so thoughtful sometimes at the most random moments.

meanwhile, i've successfully wasted my summer working! oh well, at least i got to go to the museum this past weekend. gillian told me to treat going to new york like going to paris .. and it's true, i followed her advice and it made the trip that more enjoyable. i guess you kind of take for granted all that you have in new york city when you live so close to it. it was nice being a tourist .. even though i'm from jersey, new york is definitely my city.

well good night and good luck my friends, time for sleep because of lab tomorrow.

<3 to the girl who is awesomer beyond words; jackie!

i wanna be living for the love of you

there are days when i contemplate the mysteries of life .. i think about how the sun shines, how it sets so late when it's summer .. how it feels so good to go for an evening drive .. i don't understand a lot of things, i know a lot of people don't either .. and it's usually about the same things, the same things that drive television, and the world, and weblogs, and stories that people write ..
on the way home today i heard the song "for the love for you" by the isley brothers. it was such a beautiful sunset that was happening as i was driving .. it was nice, and peaceful. and i felt like i was 20 years old .. for the first time in a while .. halfway through the year before my 21st birthday. sometimes i surprise myself with the risks i'm willing to take .. sometimes you hear things from people, and you think that, never in your life would you do certain things, but then you do them .. and you turn around and think, wow, was that really me? where was my head at! but then it's like .. that was another experience, another milestone that you've done. another .. well, thing you could check off your list that you could say you did. after all, at least you could say, you tried. you tried to do it! even if it didn't work out the way you thought it would. sometimes it's better, sometimes not. and sometimes, i think, everyone has that side of them that they're suppressing.
so hard, i feel, people try to convince themselves that they've been the same person they've always been. that through everything they've been through, it hasn't fazed them. but as much as i wish i could believe in that, i now know that it's not true. i think that, people can still feel the same way about things -- you can still like the same colors, movies, people, tv, and etc.. but the way the world works, the way other people work, it changes you, even if you're not willing to admit it out front. i know for a fact i'm not the same girl i was 5, 10 years ago. i think if my former self were to talk to my present self, she would be sorely disappointed. but i think not everything has gone to hell, as much as people change, paradoxically, oxymoronically, whatever, there are still parts that remain the same. yes! a cliche! i know! but still. i think part of me refuses to give up on some of the dreams that i've always had. the dream to have a happy marriage, to be finacially stable, have a successful career, and have kids.
life would always be easier if nothing changed, of course. but i think realizing that change is inevitable is a big step. you can say it as much as you want to, out loud, in your head, to try and get the notion straight. but then, when that moment hits you, the moment where you realize that you've really changed again at this point in your life, that is when the real fun begins.

<3 to my best friend jackie, the one and only..

the end.

dahil sa iyo

happy 100th birthday to my nanay!

so my nanay would have been 100 today. [aka my mom's mom.] wow nanay, you've got about 83 years on me. i miss you! i wish that you were here so that i could show you all my cool tricks on the computer and stuff. so that i could have done mano po to you and you could talk to me in tagalog and i would respond. and so that you could have met charles, because even though he is goofy and doesn't talk tagalog maybe you would like him too. anyway nanay i love you and i miss you, and even though i wasn't as lucky as ate or jenn to meet you and hang out with you, i know that you love me too. and guess what nanay! bob barker finally retired! =)

ooh child you're my destiny

i don't really have much to say, i'm actually putting off writing this paper of mine for research.

damn, it's just like school! ahhh i'm so tired. mom says it's because i'm not used to the whole, 8-4/9-5 jones. yeah .. no i'm not. but anyways,

i loves you charles. =) [or charlie poo as christine and gillian teasingly refer to him as. hahaha.]

there are a bajillion words i could type and say about how i feel about you, about everything we've been through, describing my feelings and thoughts and ideas and blah blah blah .. but it really all comes down to this. i fricking love you! :)

=)

time to be a big girl now

so today i went to research [even though my 2 weeks are done and now i'm alone because pooja started working and they're not sure what they are going to do with me yet, i don't even know if i should come in again in the afternoon after computer lab work] and while yokechen the postdoc let me make panels of excel of pictures of tissue cultures .. the phone rings, and since i am the only one in the lab, i answer it, try my best to take a message [i'm nervous here, i've never answered the phone before in a research lab] and whoever was on the other line didn't want to give me a message, and then i got in trouble! dr. gordon comes in, not once, but twice .. first to look for ming-wei [her graduate student who the message was for], but the second time around was to scold me for not properly answering the phone. of course, like the little underling that i am, i sat there, trying my best to take in her constructive criticism, while at the same time feeling wholly inadequate -- after all, i was being scolded about how i answered the phone.. not for, say, blowing something up. or breaking a slide. or setting millions of dollars worth of equipment on fire. [not that i did those things. i didn't. i just, didn't answer the phone right.] i know for a fact that she was just trying to help, just trying to correct me so that next time the phone rings, i will know what to do, nothing will go as wrong as it did, and messages will go to people who need to take them. of course, i could also not answer the phone .. haha.

don't get me wrong, dr. gordon is nice. she is prompt, and organized, and gets her shit done. she is my professor and i have a deep respect for her. but i couldn't help but feel seriously embarrassed, inexperienced, unworthy, stupid. all because i didn't know how to answer the phone. the rest of the time i was in lab all i could think about was how much i wanted to leave and finish my work and get the hell out of there. the phone rang again about an hour after she had her talk with me, and i tried everything in my power not to answer it. is anyone else in the lab? maybe someone else will answer it. i hoped and wished. nope. still just me. alone in the lab. when i finally had the realization that i was alone again i went up to answer it, and surprisingly, the person on the other end had already hung up. well, i thought, if someone asks, i went to the bathroom and no one was there. haha ..

as much as i want to be busy and not bored for my summer, it sucks that i come home and feel tired, as if i was still in school. i long for the weekends again, at least this time, weekends mean i can actually bullshit around and not feel pressured like something's due. though, it's still confusing that i don't know what my schedule is for research. it feels like i could just make my own reasonable hours. [which in my head includes leaving before 4. preferably 330? haha .. that's like 2 hours of work a day. except wednesday where it's like, 7 or something.] i hope that my summer is still enjoyable even though i have so much stuff to do. i guess, it would be the same if i worked fulltime or if i had a fulltime internship .. ahhh, free time, i miss you! when i graduate, i plan to do nothing for a month. or go on vacation for a month. sigh. i hate that catch 22 junk -- the only way i can get money to go out is if i work, and if i work, i don't have time to go out. why, WHY, why ..

on another note, i miss gillian, she is in arizona for 10 weeks doing her own form of research for the greater good. [yes, she really is doing research. in a university. =P] and i miss jackie too, she is in barcelona infusing her mind with all kinds of euro design and stuff stuff. so sadness .. but i am super excited to hang out with my one and only homie on sunday .. we are going to act like we are filipino pride ecstatic and look at all of the gangsta fobs and tabs and, yeah. and buy stuff .. yay stuff .. come too, if you're in the area. it's sunday in nyc .. philippine independence day parade. and blah blah blah.

next tuesday is supposed to be a very special day for me .. but with the way things are going, i don't think anything special is going to happen. it kind of breaks my heart a little .. breaks my heart that it just might become another ordinary day. i have a present i have to give someone and hopefully, i can at least do that much. i worked really hard on this present and the 5 page letter that went with it. well, nothing ever ends up as planned, even my present. haha.

i plan on going down to the seashore and getting all kinds of tan this summer. i wish i could go on a vacation again like i went to las vegas, sadly, no money = no vacation = have to work a lot a lot. oh well, maybe i'll go to AC or something. and see ja rule again .. ahahah

well this is the end of my entry for today. now that it's summer i guess i'll be on track [hopefully] for the 1 entry per week deal. maybe ..

tu amor.

<3 to:
homie; thanks homie! it's summery. =)
bestfriend; of course, you know i'm always up for a good chat. ^_^ haha, yeah, gabe's all, "mature" and junk .. whatever he's still little to me .. nyahaha

my lipgloss is poppin

i wanted to make sure my blogger was okay so i'm writing a waste post. ahahahaha

on a sad note, my family went back to the philippines. =( it's surprising how quiet our block is now that it's only me and mary and gabe too. awww .. no more random parties at mary's house ..

i really really want to ride in an airplane, especially since i saw my classmate jess chan as she was leaving for hawaii. awww ..

okay i'm done!

just keep breathing

okay, so this is the entry i promised .. the entry that i was supposed to write yesterday, but today i'm putting my 10 min pilates burn and abs workout on hold [i don't feel as bad since i did walking walking and dancing dancing today .. hah] so that i could finally, finally write something in this blog of mine that i finally had a chance to change the layout for. finally..

so today is/was gabe's prom .. he's having it at the same place i had my senior prom .. except for the fact that today it's called "addison park" instead of garden manor and the other fact that he's able to go to wildwood for more than a whole weekend overnighting for 3 days.. while i couldn't .. i had to come home and then i went to the city the day after. and six flags that saturday after that. in hindsight i'm a little bitter about it .. i feel deprived because i couldn't experience the traditional go-down-to-the-jersey-shore-after-prom that everyone else gets to do. heck, when jackie was still living here, she slept over my house because her brother went down to seaside or something and she couldn't stay home alone. i confronted my mom about this -- first by asking if i could overnight with my friends in wildwood for a weekend over the summer [mind you, i'm 20 years old now and in college] to which she retorted that i would have to come home after visiting the beach. but i'm 20 now, i reply, thinking that it would be enough reason for me to be able to go. i overnighted in new york last year .. to which she spatted back, "but you stayed out until 4 o'clock in the morning in the street. that's what you're going to do? stay out until 4 o'clock in the street!!!! ... you're so eager to get out of the house."

"maybe because i haven't been out of the house." i say under my breath.

mom, i'm not that retarded. sometimes i think she should be counting her blessings that i'm not even worse off, i'm not a crackhead, i'm not an alkie, heck, i think the only thing excessive about me is my spending habit. and maybe my .. erm .. "lustful" tend.. dencies ..? and even those aren't as bad as they could be. sure, i did screw up my chances for future overnightings by blurting out that i went to the club .. but then again .. there's an even bigger backstory that remains to be untold by 12 .. [or was it 13? 14?] people.

conversations like these with my mother further solidify my plan to get the hell out of here when i graduate. maybe even sooner .. maybe when i turn "grad student." she just can't let go of me .. this woman .. she'll keep me under "parole" or on my "leash" for as long as she can.
but at the same time she comes into my room and hands me 10 dollars because i told her i only have $2 in my wallet. sigh.

anywho, i've been doing the damn thing at the labor-a-tory researching .. it's pretty cool getting to act like mad scientist with slides and vents and dozens of bottles of stuff .. i've been testing it out to see if that's what i really want to do with my life .. i imagined myself to be all glamorous looking cool with experiments and stuff .. but in reality it's not as fabulous as i thought .. pooja and i [pooja is my fellow research student .. she's a year ahead of me] walk around doing nothing for minutes on end [even an hour today] waiting for things to "incubate" and etc. but it's cool to see results .. i guess time will only tell what i'll really do with my life.

well i guess this is the end of the entry .. time for sleep or else i won't wake up tomorrow ..

good night peeps

smoke in your eyes

i know, i'm due for an entry. it's midnight and i have to sleep because i have research tomorrow. promise, better entry soon. tomorrow. really.

quote of the day:

ate mercy: when is your due date?
jenn: december 8
ate mercy: december 8? that's immaculate conception!
jenn: i know and that's how it happened!


haha .. i love you jenn. you're the only one who can talk sense into me sometimes ..

<3 to my bestfriend jackie and my homie christine, with whom i could traverse the globe with [but first we have to learn our way around the state of new jersey. haha]

even if i did i don't know if i would quit but i doubt it

so i have been procrastinating yet again to finish up this pharmaecon paper that's due monday now, since dr. suh is so funny he gave us an extension for no good reason .. he's always such a happy guy. even when we're all not there. what a happy guy ..


it finally stopped raining again today and there's flooding again in the raritan river .. i think all this liquid precipitation is really going to my head, not to mention all of these stupid tests i have to take .. sigh sigh sigh


this time last week i was partying it up with my classmates; some of them really don't know how to hold down the liquor, lol, but it's okay, because i had a good time with my peeps. yay for halfway done party, and celebratory t-shirt that comes with it


today abbygail was across the street and we were playing again .. sometimes it's like my family takes away a significant amount of my time that would otherwise be wasted [though i would like to think i could use it to study, haha, who am i kidding]

this was last sunday when my mom gave her the "board" with some lady on it .. surprisingly she really liked it

when we were playing she took off glasses and posed with them for the camera .. yup, we're training the camera lovers early, lol, jk

and then she told me to pose and pretend i was snoring .. haha "ninang angie ninang angie" "... no you have to snore loud"

she's adorable. kuya dodong said she mana after her ninang .. lol .. hah

she kept laughing when she saw this picture in my phone .. because it's of me and my boyfriend .. haha

well i guess i'm gonna call it a night .. even though i basically slept all day and didn't do anything. maybe i'll just do the last couple of questions of this damn paper and then that's it .. bleh. what a bleh day .. eventually remind me to change up the layout here. yeah, i gotta add that to my to do list ..

<3 to my bestfriend jackie; the end.

good night and good luck

relax your mind let your conscience be free

since i am extra happy about having no school, i would like to write a short entry in multimedia form [aka pictures and musics teehee]

so today was like the first time ever that they canceled school! how exciting! you know it's something serious when frickin RUTGERS cancels school. i mean come on, it's a frickin state of emergency here!! i guess we won't be performing in the pharmacy gong/talent show tonight .. man, i risked my life for kind of nothing last night! meh .. oh well, at least i learned the dance. heh

in other happier news, charles's team won the championship in his league! yay i am so proud of him. i'm his #1 fan!! [next to his mom and dad of course. teehee]

friday is my halfway done formal, yay for us! i was stressing out last night because i have so much shit to do .. i guess i could get around to starting that paper of mine. and studying for pharmachem. yup yups ..

well i guess today will be a stay in day. yee!

i shall go enjoy choco bunnies and SLEEP. :)

© to my best friend in the whole universe jackie for consistently being an inspiration and a driving force in my life! as well as being my resident fashion forward resource ^_^ [and also for leaving me a comment heeh] totes! funzies! :) :)