v. 20 // can you believe

Day 14 - what you wore today, in great detail

2010-07-28T22:39:00.003-04:00

Today began with me waking up in a white beater and underwear because with all of the sweltering heat in NJ, I've learned to sleep with this as my pajamas to stay cool.

Then there were moments where I was wearing my birthday suit, and then a grey tshirt and my soffee gray shorts.

And then, I wore my yellow striped tube top and light green shorts to go chase after the President at the sub shop, along with my silver sandals with the butterflies on them.

And now, I'm back to wearing my white beater again.

good night!

your definition of love, in great detail

2010-07-28T22:17:00.002-04:00

So I totally failed at the challenge thing but I felt the need to write on this specific topic, because I was set off about something I read and it has been on my mind for a while, especially with everything that has been going on in my life this summer.

dictionary.com defines love as this:

"–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. ( initial capital letter ) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of god for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis . a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.
—Idioms
23. for love,
a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27. make love,
a. to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b. to engage in sexual activity.
28. no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers."

But I feel like, there's more to "love" than that. Love involves caring, listening, speaking, concern. It involves arguing and resolving, sadness and joy. Love is, being able to fight but knowing it's not going to break up your relationship. Love is learning to be honest with yourself and with whomever you have your relationship with. It's knowing when to say what, and when not to. Love is learning to forgive. Love teaches you, molds you, shapes you, breaks you, but then makes you whole. Love isn't just romance, it isn't just physical, it's everything. Love never gives up on you, because even when you feel like all hope is lost, it is still there. Love is mutual respect and mutual understanding. As cliche as it sounds, I believe that love does conquer all. I believe that to truly love someone, both as a significant other and platonically and as a friend, is to love them unconditionally, to have the love between each other grow as we grow as people.

When I was in high school in religion class (yes because I went to Catholic school), the main message was to put God in the center of our lives and our relationships. I find it to be true because by putting God in the center of our lives, we are putting love at the center of our lives because God is love. I was once heartbroken, once was jaded, and I once though I would "never find a special someone" a few years ago. But, I never gave up on love. I never thought bad about it, because it got me through the day. The love came from my family, my friends. Finally, with all that love surrounding me, I found a special someone to be able to share more love and grow more love with. I hear so many heartbroken people saying that love sucks or whatever, but, love never fails. Maybe you failed on love.

I know that things are going to be tough this semester because Charles is going away but I know that I always have to keep the love in my heart and to keep it strong for the both of us. Because I believe in us. I believe in love.

Day 02 - your first love, in great detail

2010-07-14T23:51:00.002-04:00

Many of you reading might think that Charles was my first love. Well, suffice to say, he is probably my first long term "adult" relationship, but not my first love. That honor, ladies and gentlemen, will go to someone who will remain anonymous, for the sole fact that if you don't already know, then it's not important.

My first love was someone that I met unintentionally at a sweet sixteen when I was in high school. Back then I was naive to young love, and was eager to find someone special because I thought true happiness came from having a boyfriend. (I later was proven wrong.) With my first love also came my first heartbreak.

We dated for a year and a half during my sophomore and junior years of high school, and even though he only lived about 1 or 2 towns away it was like having a long distance relationship. He didn't go to the same school as me, and our communication spanned online chats and late night talks on the phone. We barely talked about anything substantial, usually our conversations consisted mainly of "you're so cute" 's and "i miss you" 's and "i had cereal for breakfast today, babee boii!" Oh geez, thinking about that makes me want to vomit in my mouth a little. We saw each other monthly, at the mall, at intricately prearranged group dates with our friends. We held hands like kids do, and I got my first kiss.. the night of my semi-formal, when I got to slow dance with him for the first time. But I'll go into that for another daily challenge if I make it that far. haha.

He wrote me poems, and I drew him pictures, and I thought we would be together forever. We would talk on the phone for hours about nothing important and eventually I got in trouble because my phone bill was $300. I was grounded for a week and that was the first time I got into a major arguement with my parents and they finally saw that I was rebelling, even for a little. (This was before free nights and weekends, haha) He was in my sweet sixteen cotillion and I thought it was the best day of my life because my 16th rose was my boyfriend at the time. He surprised me with a dance and was the last guest to leave, and I thought, life couldn't get any better than this!

Unfortunately, my ambitions got the best of me, and his lack thereof, and in the end it proved to be the breaking point to our relationship. I wanted to study for my AP exams, he wanted to talk on the phone and go out. Towards the end we started to fight and that's where things went sour. I didn't know any better, but I admit I didn't know how to control my jealousy back then. It didn't help that teenagers make a big deal about nothing, and when you're missing out you feel like it's the end of the world. I didn't understand it, I didn't know why I was feeling so left out, and we got into a nasty fight before his junior prom. I was so upset, I cried for a couple of days. I thought I wouldn't be able to go to the prom anymore, and it would be a waste! I bought a new dress and I was so excited! :sad face: Somehow we managed to patch things up for the prom and it ended up being a wonderful time. I still have nice memories about it, and ironically, Charles was at that same prom and would not give me the time of day. LOL.. even though now he has to! hahaha .. but I digress.

Somehow in June we started to drift apart and things only got worse. Finally, during the carnival week, I was at Mary's house and we got into a really bad fight. Eventually, he told me he didn't feel the same way about me anymore even though I pleaded with him that I still loved him all the same. He refused to break up with me, so I finally mustered up the courage to break it off, because I said, "I can't be with someone who doesn't love me." Good for you, 17 year old Ang! It was a weird feeling to have broken up with someone and I don't know how I managed not to think about it the whole time. I called Jackie in Arizona to tell her and she said, "you lived your life just fine before him, you can do it again." So I went to the carnival with Mary and bought Zeppole.

That summer was pretty hard because all the people we would hang out with mutually started to take sides and I felt more isolated than ever. They would invite Mary (because they had eventually befriended her though me) and not invite me, saying it would have been weird because I broke up with my boyfriend. I was so upset. I thought, how could they do this to me?! This is so unfair! And I realized how shallow people can be and how maybe, they weren't really my friends in the first place. Some days when Mary shows me pictures I still have some residual bitterness that I've never really been able to express until now. I doubt she reads this or anybody else, but still.

Subsequently, during my senior year of high school, my now-ex boyfriend started to date my friend, and that's where things really started to get weird. Mary knew that she was only dating him out of pity and that he liked her a lot more than she liked him. It hurt me, because he befriended her through me because she was my close friend who was in my cotillion. There was a lot of odd heartbreak and turmoil, probably because I didn't quite know how to get over him, especially when I couldn't cut him out of my life because of my friend. People have said that it was a pretty shitty thing for them to have done that to me, but looking back on it now, I don't think I would've been as ambitious if I didn't feel like I had something to prove. haha.

Now that I'm done with college, I still see him around, ironically he's friends with Charles' brother so I see him at Charles' house every once in a while. My mom asks me if it's weird, but I just tell her that Charles and I have been going out for so long that I don't think it's much of an issue any more. Plus, I have my PharmD! So take that! haha.

I'll always be glad I had a first love in high school because I know that it's something that I felt I needed to experience during my time there. I know that I'm proud of myself for not doing anything stupid and for turning my experiences into something positive. I did learn a lot from being in that situation and even though Charles and I have our issues sometimes I remember how I have to be strong, and I think it's only made my current relationship better.

Day 01 - Introduce yourself

2010-07-13T22:20:00.002-04:00

I've been seeing these challenges online and thought that I should try them, plus it would give me an excuse to write legitimate blogs again! So here goes..

Well obviously, if you have been paying attention for the past 5 years, my name is Angelica! I just graduated from RU with my PharmD; it feels good but I also feel lost since I have yet to pass my exams and yet to land a full-time job. But let's not worry about that. I found that I've grown to love my chosen profession, that I love being a pharmacist, that I enjoy information about new drugs. You know that you've accepted it when you hear snippets about what medications people are taking and you're curious to know more. Or! When I'm at work I have a list of meds I never heard of just so I can go home and look them up and find out what they are used for. How corny!

I will Google and/or Wikipedia anything I don't know just because I enjoy knowing things.

I've lived in New Jersey for all my life and I have to admit that I am a Jersey girl in the best sense of the term. I love that I can go down the shore and up to the "city" both within 45 minutes, I love that I can get a good bagel, and I love that I know how to maneuver a jug-handle. I'm proud that I've been basically through the entire perimeter of my state and know how it looks like! (Thanks rotations!)

I still live with my parents, and even though people can't wait to get away, I've learned to deal with it. I understand that my time with my parents is slowly getting limited and it's important to learn what I can from them before I really have to be an adult. I like that my family lives within a 2 mile radius with me.. not a lot of people have the luxury of seeing their relatives whenever they want.

In a weird way I envy people who have fantastic pictures and put pictures of all the crazy places they've been or crazy things they've done, but, I enjoy staying home and having quiet moments with myself. I think it was all those years of being sheltered and an only child. I've mellowed out and learned to enjoy quiet evenings and days at home, sometimes by myself. I think it gives me a chance to explore my creativity and thoughts. Sometimes going out gives me anxiety, I think it's because of all the people and because I've reverted to social awkwardness after being in pharmacy school for so long. I guess after everything is said and done with respect to my exams I'll have a chance to develop my social skills once again..

I still enjoy cutesy things and random things and have learned to desire the unique and handmade as opposed to the mass-produced and expensive. I've gotten into jewelry making and calligraphy, and I hope one day to throw a whole dinner party that I've created myself, from picking out the place settings to creating the meal from scratch. When I do, you'll be invited! :)

I've finally come to terms with being myself, instead of trying to be someone else. I know it's cliche, but I've always felt that I was a "follower" for my whole life. I always wanted to be "cool" and "popular" because I thought it would bring me happiness. Now I know that it's okay if I live in anonymity nowadays.. because no one is in my biz. I like that no one is in my biz.

I don't know what else to say about myself, haha

CHALLENGE .. sorry i haven't blogged in a while!

2010-07-13T22:19:00.000-04:00

Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail
Day 03 – Your parents, in great detail
Day 04 – What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 – Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 – Your day, in great detail
Day 07 – Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 – A moment, in great detail
Day 09 – Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 – Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 – What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 – This week, in great detail
Day 14 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 – Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 – Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 – Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 – This month, in great detail
Day 21 – Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 – A first, in great detail
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 – Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail

concrete jungle where things are made of

2009-12-30T19:15:00.003-05:00

so i have debated whether to trade in my trusty blog here and jump over to the tumblr side because it seems that it's the new cat's meow.. recently i jumped to the twitterverse but i'm not sure it's for me either. i've been meaning to write something substantial in my blog for the longest time, especially since i scheduled myself to blog about every rotation so writing my self reflections would be easier to do - but even that was too much of a committment for me. i went to las vegas earlier this month and contary to my previous ways, i didn't even share it with everyone! how odd, lol. well i guess because partially my trip was about business, and partially i care not to share certain details that would get me in a lot of trouble. i'll remember them, my friends will remember them, and i think it's best to leave it at that.

in regards to my last rotation:

clinicals aren't as bad as everyone makes out them to be. maybe it's because my preceptor was about to get married, maybe it's because the people i was on it with were THE BOMB, or maybe it's because i'm really as good as they think i am -- but all in all i didn't come away with needing a prescription or killing someone. well, there is the issue of my anger management problems in december..

i really did learn a bunch of things on clinical and i really did learn to approach things in a new way. clinicals really showed me how i need to have more confidence in who i am going to be as a pharmacist and how i have to step up my game. i learned how to be angry, i learned how to fight .. i learned how to be strong when i was having my ass handed to me on a daily basis. i learned how to have tulungan with my friends because that is the only way we could survive. i learned how to drive to trenton on 4 hours sleep and 1 cup of coffee and then give a presentation right after. i learned that even though you're right you're still wrong but rarely you do get listened to. and of course, i learned that singing lady gaga and mariah carey is good for relieving stress --as long as your preceptors don't find out. don't ever let them find out. lol. i felt like after my whole clinical experience and what with my new arse holes that i was torn out that maybe i should try out this clinical thing. i might actually be good at it and something positive might come out of it for me. i feel like i thrive in the challenge.

but now, a month later and i'm sitting here trying to apply for 7 programs and i've lost the drive, the reason to keep trying. is it laziness? maybe. but at the same time i feel like my heart really wasn't in it in the first place and now i'm just trying to fill a void that comes with thinking that maybe i'm destined for bigger things and the only way to do that is through doing this residency stuff. when i did my community rotation i really liked it; honestly, i could see myself doing that. it may be stressful at times what with insurance and healthcare reform and billing and all that - but i like talking to people and i like helping them be a better-educated patient. but it's hard. the job market in jersey is terrible right now and i'm graduating at the worst time. viv has a set job after graduation but then again it's viv - she's really good at what she does and her company would be making the biggest mistake if they didn't get her right away. i'm left trying to figure out who i really want to be with this degree. i thought i wanted the fellowship but there is too much ass kissing in that field for me to be really happy. i hate ass kissing. i'm terrible at networking and i don't know squat about professional pearls for doing this and that. don't get me wrong, if you give me a task, i will follow through and i will be the best at what i do. it's who i am. but it's hard to decide who i really want to be. there was a point in time where i wanted to do it all -- i wanted to be the resident, the fellow, the community pharmacist, the medical writer, all at the same time. i could see myself everywhere and now i am nowhere. i have 6 more applications and i am just about to send them just the way they are because tripping over them is just pointless right about now. i sent away my transcripts already hopefully and now it's just time for me to come up with 3 paragraphs why i want to go to this and that program and etc. easy peasy right? chyeahh ..

to sum up my 2009 in a nutshell -- it started off better than it ended. no wait, it started off bleh, transitioned into meh, got better when the semester ended and when i went to nyc, got meh again during clinical, got weeeeeeeeeeeee when i went on break and vegas, and now it's back to bleh. a lot of celebrities died and sam's bf died and all this other stuff happened. i felt like there was more to accomplish but not a lot was accomplished. oh well.

i hope that i start off 2010 on a good note and i hope that everything works out for the best. carlos and lisa are getting married and i'm in the wedding. plus, plus, did i mention graduation. the biggest day of my life. i'm pretty excited about it but you know rutgers and the old screw. i'm crossing my fingers until the day comes. so with everything being said, peace the f out 2009. let's get the naughties behind us.

see right clear like you're bathing in windex

2009-11-04T09:32:00.002-05:00

well since i have some time to kill before my next interview today on community interview day, i thought i would finally, finally write in my blog and update you all, faithful and not so faithful readers, on the status of my life and i'm so SO SO close to graduating. THIS CLOSE! [ ] (that's the sign for this close. you didn't know? LOL)

Anyways I have been on my clinical in Trenton and let me tell you it's some serious jones. I'm tired like alllllllll the time. Today I finally got to escape from having to go down to the hospital for the whole day by signing up for interviews at the school and now I'm here at the library doing nothing.. well attempting to do my presentation but I left that at home so now I'm just reading the article that I have to talk about tomorrow. SHIT, it's tomorrow! But I digress.

Trenton isn't as bad as Viv made it out to be.. I mean it did have its crappy moments especially all the times my not-preceptor ripped us all apart. I guess it was okay in the end, we did learn a lot, but learning by threats isn't always fun. Especially when you have fear all the time! Rounding with the doctors was a great learning experience too.. I don't know if I have the guts/confidence to make recommendations like Anna does, but it is my first time. So yeah.. It's crazy that the doctors come from all over the world and they were like top-notch but they have to start from the bottom. I guess even the best somewhere isn't the best everywhere, right? Things started to get really hectic at the end especially with all the presentations and interviews and this and that. I am going to miss my friends terribly when we go our separate ways but hopefully, hopefully! we'll stay in touch.. I saw my one classmate that I rotated with in NYC randomly yesterday and I wanted to say hi but he all up and vanished. Oh well, maybe next time..

After going to the residency thing yesterday it got me thinking about maybe I want to do residency now. It's weird because when I'm in Trenton sometimes the last thing I want to do is graduate only to have 2 more years of clinicals to do. 2 more years of being someone's bitch! To me that sucks because sometimes, I just want to make some money and be done with the whole, feeling like I'm not in charge feeling yet. Plus, there's this match-thing that you have to do and it makes me feel like I'm signing my life away. What if I change my mind? What if a better opportunity comes? What if I don't even want to be a pharmacist anymore and all I want to do is sell puppies or ice cream or shoes or what!? What then!

HAHAHA .. I have successfully wasted about an hour of my time. NICE

To Be Continued ..

self reflection #3

2009-09-22T22:49:00.004-04:00

okay okay so i was supposed to try and write this self reflection 4 hours ago but i've spent the whole 4 hours looking up dumb stuff on the internet and facebook and talking to sam. so .. yeah. and i was planning on going to bed at 11 pm which means i have 10 minutes to write this draft self reflection. is that even enough time? LOL ..

anyways, i've been on rotation at boyt drugs (you know, walking distance from my house, literally) and it's been pretty great. at first it was off to a rocky start - i think all rotations are since you're out of your comfort zone. as charles says, "it sucks that you have to have 7 first-days." now i'm not really keen on retail/community pharmacies because none of them were ever willing to hire me when i applied 1029381209381 times to almost all of the chain stores. and then i tried applying to wernik's (across the street from boyt's) but it closed a couple of years ago. then again, i'm pretty chill with my job right now. i'm getting to the point where i'm good at it. but i digress ..

when i first started at my community rotation i felt like i didn't know what my place was - the techs did everything at the site and i didn't know what i was supposed to be doing. most of the time i spent was filling prescriptions - it really brought meaning to "paying to work for free." the owner of the pharmacy told me at the beginning of the rotation that it wasn't about filling all the time; it was about talking with the customers - the way my preceptor did, and to be able to relate to them, make jokes with them.. feel like a part of the community. i think after my 3 and a half weeks at the rotation i'm still not at the level that my preceptor is with the joke cracking - i think that comes after years and years of work and experience at the site - but seeing and feeling the sense of community that my rotation had to offer was truly refreshing. i felt like, this is the epitome of what community pharmacy is all about. as much as it is about providing medications, and making money, it's really about the people. it's about being there as a support system, as an institution in the community. i did get a chance to interact with people when i did my community outreach project of taking blood pressure - at first i wanted to do something else, but i guess going along with what the owner suggested really was the right kind of outreach project that really got me to get a feel of being a part of the community. i know that sometimes i still don't know all of the brand/generic names of all the products, or what some of them are used for, but being at this rotation was more than just looking at prescriptions and filling them. it is about the sense of being able to reach out to the everyday person, to be able to impact their lives in a most direct way. i realized how much of a responisibility i had when i made some errors in pulling medications - sure everyone makes mistakes, we're all human, but it really showed me how much responsiblity i had with patient's care. if the techs that work for me make a mistake, i can't, because i'm the final line of checking. and if i make a mistake, it's a big problem. i now know that i really have to work on memorizing and remembering brand-generic names because that is the way most people refer to the medications. and i also realized how meticulous i have to be sometimes when i deal with patient's health care information. it is a lot to remember, and i hope i remember how to do it all. after 5 weeks, i don't know if i remember every step i'm supposed to do. there were some times where the pharmacists would teach me something - i think when they remember that i'm there to learn - and it felt nice to learn those few things. when they would ask me my opinion on how to calculate the equivalency of armour thyroid, or how to write the prescription for 32 mg of medrol BID when we only carry 8 mg of medrol and we had to rewrite the directions .. or when my preceptor asked me what propylthiouracil was used for (it's used to kill the thyroid when someone has hyperthyroidism). it also was nice to finally learn of how pharmacies get reimbursed from insurance companies especially since the pharmacy went through an audit today while i worked the filling part. it has something to do with the AWP and buying the medication at a lower price and then asking for the maximum allowable cost from the insurance company to make a margin of a profit.

i also realized the important task of being the liason between the people and the insurance companies. people nowadays have been complaining about the president's healthcare plan through the government and my preceptor actually commented and said that he was all for it. one patient was really surprised that my preceptor, a pharmacist, would be in agreement with a government healthcare plan. my preceptor gave the reason that the goverment is actually really efficient compared to insurance companies. with the advent of Medicare part D, most medications get approved, with the exception of when the patient enters the donut hole. with private insurance companies, there is always the problem of which medications doctors are allowed to prescribe based on which medications the insurance plan agrees to cover. and i thought about it, a governmental plan is actually good for young people like me, especially with the difficult job market. if i don't find a good stable long term job i might not have insurance. with a governmental plan, i would be covered. it was nice to see that there were other sides to the governmental plan coming from someone working in my field.

so this all feels really rushy and i don't know if i covered everything, and i know that prof. feudo was expecting me to document everything. man! i think i'll have to get back to you on this self reflection .. yeah

Day and Night

2009-08-21T09:45:00.003-04:00

When I woke up this morning, I usually snooze my alarm about 3 times before I really and honestly wake up and either fix my bed or get some breakfast. But after 2 snoozes a text woke me up, and it was my friend Sam, telling me her boyfriend had died this morning.

Now I have never met her boyfriend until after he was in the hospital, in a coma, the result of a severe car accident caused by 2 irresponsible drivers trying to race down Route 1 and 9 last March. I did as much as I could do to help Sam cope, because she's been through way too much ever since the accident, and the last thing I wanted was for it to be any harder than it already was. So somehow, I felt connected to him. I knew he liked dunnys from kidrobot, and KidCudi, and snowboarding, and putting kidrobot stickers on his snowboard. I knew he dressed really nice and that he worked at H&M. I felt like I knew him personally, somehow, some way, even though we had never talked. You can see how when Sam texted me this morning I felt like I lost some part of me. I sat in my bed, a little sleepy still, but more awake, and stunned. I didn't know what to do. Should I drive to Parsippany? Should I turn on the computer? Should I write in here? Should I go to church? I finally tried to make myself look somewhat decent and made the trek to church. I was late for the mass, which I didn't know starts at 8:00 am, but I was still in time to get communion. I lit a candle and prayed.

Pray. That's all I could really do. That's all everyone could really do. Nicky's parents waited. His family waited. Sam waited. We all waited, hoping, wishing, that maybe there would still be a miracle; that after 5 months of fighting, he would still keep on fighting. From what Sam told me it sounded like maybe he was improving, even though there were some bad days and some days that were better. I prayed that God would take him straight to heaven. I prayed that God would give Sam the strength to keep going, to carry on. I prayed to God to protect my family. I prayed to God to protect me. I said, Lord, I know that this is your plan, and that you needed to take him. But it still hurts. It still hurts to have to let him go.

It hurts more-so because I feel like I have to say goodbye to someone that I didn't even get the chance to say hello to. Part of me felt so angry. He was supposed to wake up. He was supposed to wake up, and Sam would introduce me, and I would get the chance to talk to him. It feels like I missed out. Now I will never get the chance to hear him tell me how much he loves Sam, how he wants to get her nice things. I will never get to hear from him how he loves dunnys or which dunnys he is missing from his collection. I won't get the chance to ask him if I can get a discount at H&M even though I'll only be kidding because I know that I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone to get anything for me. I won't get the chance to share a drink with him, to watch him play basketball, to go on group dates with Sam while I bring Charles and we join ourother Pharmacy friends and their boyfriends to some fancy pants restaurant where he likes the sauce. I'll never get the chance to crack a joke with him or laugh with him or find out his sense of humor. Part of me feels so angry because I never got to do any of these things, and now I never will.

My heart goes out to Nicky's mom, who tried her best to be the pillar of strength that she had to be. Nicky was her only son, much like I am the only daughter of my mom. In times like this I remember why I stay home and not go out, why I try and come straight home after rotations and why I want to be close by to my family. I remember why I stayed in Edison, why I commuted to school, why I went to Rutgers instead of dorming in New York or going out to California. I remember why my mom makes me call her, or why she calls me several times a day or several times after I should have gotten out of work to find out where I am. I remember my mom's paranoia and my own. I met Nicky's mom twice, the first time when I went to the hospital with Sam in April or May and the second time when we walked a 1k fundraiser for the facility at JFK where Nicky was trying to recover. She had a bright personality even though her son was in a coma in the brain trauma unit; she tried her best to stay positive. I know that she is crushed with the passing of her son and my love and prayers go out to her.

Of course all this time I am mostly thinking about Sam, one of my closest friends in Pharmacy school. We have gone through a lot in the course of 5 and a half years of being in pharmacy, and I know I wouldn't have been able to make it as far as I have without her. She was there for me when I was fighting with Charles most of our 3rd year in school, telling me that "Angelica, when you're sad, I feel sad, because you're like my cheerleader, telling me that I can do it and you're always so cheerful all the time." We've gone through multiple hell weeks, reaching the brinks of almost not being able to make it, almost staying back. We've gone through projects and pharm comm and Rich dressed up as a pill bottle. She's helped me through heartache, through love, through confusion, through joy. Recently we went to New York to Kidrobot and to restaurant week eating chic-chic food that made me realize that I like hamburgers more. It breaks my heart everyday to think of the pain she is going through, of everything that has happened. It is hard to relate to the pain that she feels because I don't know what it's like to be in that situation. I hope that I never have to experience her pain, her sorrow. She has more strength in her that she will ever know and she is an inspiration to me. I love Sam and I would do anything for her.

It upsets me because I don't want to have to go to another funeral, to have to wear black and see the Mass that sends off the people. I don't want to hear of another person that is getting buried. I don't like living through another tragedy. But from everything that has happened, all we can do is just look to the sky and hope for a brighter day, hope that Nicky is finally set free from all of his pain and his suffering. We can only think that he is watching over all of us, gone before us to do work that God has planned for him.

Rest in Peace, Nicky.

self reflection #2 - for real, this time

2009-07-31T23:03:00.005-04:00

So since July has been pretty busy-ish and I usually have nothing to say or blog about [I guess I've been on this Twitter binge because I usually can sum up my feelings in less than 140 characters] I've neglected you, blog! But here I am, here to give you a proper entry, and to write up my 2nd self-reflection for my 2nd rotation.

My second rotation in New York took place in the quietly glamorous neighborhood of TriBeCa. When I first saw it on the list of available rotations, I said, why not take it? It'll give me an excuse to go to New York since my plans to take a rotation in California failed. My friends were all skeptical, they had never heard of the company before. I was too, but after scoping out the website I thought, they must be legitimate since they're contracted by my school. So I put it down as the first choice for Elective/Clinical Other rotation, hoping that I would get it since no one really knew what the rotation (or the company) was about. When I saw that I was assigned the rotation, I thought that maybe I was the only person taking 2 New York City rotations. After I found out that another one of my classmates took the same 2 in reverse order [she went where I just came from and vice versa] I didn't feel so bad. So I came into the rotation, not knowing what to expect. My first rotation had been quite the epitome of business formal - suits everywhere, the lushness of Park Avenue. I was expecting the same.

All I knew about Medical Communications/Med Ed was what I learned in Pharm Comm and Drug Info; I knew how to do an Ovid Search and finagle around with Powerpoint. I didn't know much about an agency except for the glamour that my Kuya Jayson would show us with pictures of him working with the people from Entourage and partying with Kanye West. I didn't think things would be that fabulous, after all, I'm in Pharmaceuticals. When I first stepped into the building though, I was mesmerized. I had never been in a place so fresh, so modern. I was excited that I would get to intern at a place like that. And of course, it was nice to be able to wear more trendy clothes and no pantyhose. Thank goodness!

Some of the days on rotation were slower than other days, it was hard for me to adjust to a more relaxed environment because I was so used to the hustle and bustle of Pharmacy school and the formalities of my previous rotation. My preceptor noticed it, and commented on it during my final evaluation. "You have to know how to work hard and play hard," he said, which surprised me. Never in my whole Pharmacy school life has anyone told me that I should give myself a break. So with that being said, I let myself breathe a little. I went on my lunch break everyday and adventured to new and exciting places around the neighborhood and discovered things that people who live/work around here sometimes take for granted. My mom was making fun of me because she said "it feels like you're not really learning anything on this rotation." But to the contrary, I was. With the ebb and flow of work in the agency, there were some days where I would get neat projects to work on or observe, like reading clinical trials, annotating slide sets, picking up errors in the slides, writing bios of research doctors, looking up CME presentations.. (it may sound boring to you but to me it was the coolest thing ever). I created 2 slides that the client requested in a day, and there were no comments on them (read: they liked them). It was probably one of my proudest moments on rotation.

Since the Medical team I was assigned to wasn't there for part of my rotation, I learned how to work on my own. It was kind of awkward at first to have to find something important for myself to do on rotation and to engage in self-learning while I was left alone. I managed to keep myself entertained as well as educated while sitting at my cubicle listening to the radio and our family ipod. I got to refresh all the stuff I forgot from Cardiovascular Tx. LOL! Sitting in the cubicle alone got me to thinking about who I wanted to be, what I wanted to be. The medical team traveled almost every week for the 5 weeks that I was there. They were in Hawaii, Chicago, and now they're going to Barcelona for the EHA Congress. I thought to myself, maybe this is who I want to be. Maybe this is a place where I might want to be.. traveling the world and seeing everything that I couldn't see by staying in New Jersey. Plus, they were so influential. The content they developed and the slides the created were the starting points for development of products. Think of it this way -- they help shape how doctors feel about prescribing medications. They start the conversations between the doctors who help develop the brand. They write the content which trains healthcare professionals about the medication. It's as if they had a hand in shaping the face of healthcare, especially since the team I was on was developing content for probably one of the biggest blockbuster medications ever to hit this past decade. It got me inspired. I felt like I had so many more doors open for me and so many more options to choose from. I feel like, this could be the career that would make the most of my six-year education. It's crazy that I found this niche after only 2 rotations. And after giving 2 inservices about disease states I feel like clinicals might not be so bad since I got to work on my public speaking. :crosses fingers:

In closing, I just want to thank everyone at BGB for their kindness and willingness to teach me and for everything that I have learned. I really miss going to TriBeCa everyday and being part of something this great. I learned so much and the experiences and knowledge I've gained are things that I will take with me throughout my career and remember for the rest of my life. I don't know if my other rotations will match my experiences from New York, but I am so lucky that I have had the opportunity to be there.

I guess not being in California was probably the best thing that could have happened to me.

self reflection #2

2009-07-28T23:30:00.001-04:00

OKAYYYY I promise promise, promise I'll blog my self reflection for rotation #2 soon. But I'm trying to take the advice of my preceptor and take a break from the pharmacy school madness.

To put it simply, my 2nd cycle was pretty awesome.

I'll elaborate more later.

Night!

self reflection #1

2009-06-13T23:50:00.006-04:00

So we're supposed to write self reflections for every rotation that we do to put in out portfolio for the professors to read to see what we got out of the rotation we just did. Seeing as that I think I might forget to write one, as I forget to do a lot of things, (I'm a mess, I know) I thought it would finally be a good opportunity to write one now, while the memories of my first rotation as a sixth year are still fresh in my mind. I never thought I was going to enjoy my rotation as much as I did, and I think it's important that I remember to record that here, especially when I do sit down and write my real self reflection.

I initially wasn't going to take this rotation in the first place; I really only took it on the suggestion of Rajar because he said it was an interesting rotation to take and that his sister took it last year. I thought to myself, what interest do I have about Wall Street? I know nothing at all about stocks or bonds or what the NASDAQ is. (FYI I still don't know what NASDAQ stands for, ha!) Why would I take that rotation? But in the interests of Rajar and of course in the interests of Viv (who of course loves the luxury of being on Park Avenue) and because we thought we would have a shot of taking a rotation together in New York if we all picked it as our first choice - after all, who wants to go to an investment bank for a Pharmacy rotation? - I put it as my first choice for my clinical other rotation. So we crossed our fingers for the spin and hoped we would get it together. Of course, Rutgers, being the RU Screw it has always been, didn't pair us up at all, which flipped me out because Viv's clinical was this cycle and her Needham & Company rotation is when I have my clinical. Bananas, I know.

But, aside from all of that, I am glad that I took my rotation with my classmate Paul. We got along super well for having never spoken to each other at all for the past 5 years and I think the dynamic between us was appropriate for being on rotation together. I never felt like it was a competition between us, and I always felt like I could rely on him for moral and intellectual support. And of course, he is a superb lunch time walking buddy especially when we climb rocks in Central Park and eat cupcakes and go to the Gucci store and 5th Avenue where we can't afford anything.

Of course I can't fully comtemplate my rotation without mentioning my preceptor, Dr. Mark, and his former associate Glen (who left the company before our rotation ended to go back to clinical practice), and Alan, the other Senior analyst, as well as all of the people who work at the company. Dr. Mark is probably one of the best preceptors I have ever had and I definitely learned a lot from him. Glen was a great mentor too, even though he wasn't directly our preceptor he did take care of us when Dr. Mark was away and helped us whenever we had questions. He taught us about the way the stock market works and I learned how to invest in stocks (after I graduate of course, haha) and even why the stripes of British ties are different from the stripes of American ties. (FYI: it is because the British people patented the way their ties are striped and to overcome that, American tie makers striped their ties the other way. I'm serious! Now when you look at striped ties you're going to wonder whether they're American or European. HA) I feel like through their teachings, I definitely grew as a person, from being strictly a student to becoming a worker. There is a fine line between professionalism and stepping over the line and I'm glad I knew how to be a professional and how to develop work relationships from them. Dr. Mark definitely has a passion for teaching and I'm glad I was able to acquire so many invaluable lessons and teachings from them, most I hope to remember always. I know now what it takes financially to grow a company, to develop a new product, to find a market share for this product, and to see the impact it has on the company and its investors when it is close to becoming a marketed commercial product. I can read the body language and enthusiasm of people to see whether it is worth investing for or even using, for that matter. And who knew all that Drug Info stuff was really that handy .. haha! Thanks Dr. DeSantis I owe you one. LOL! I never knew how much science and finance could be intertwined. I think that was an especially important lesson for me, because I couldn't really see the big picture with the Pharmaceutical Industry because of all of the negative press it gets for charging the price of brand name drugs. You tend to forget that people actually put their hard earned money into a company because they think it has a chance to #1 help people and #2 make them some money (of course), because all you really think about is how it affects you when you get the end product. But it's much more than me, or the investors, or the company, or anything, because what happens in this industry partially has an effect on the whole economy itself. Finally coming to that conclusion after these 5 weeks is definitely something that I find to be a major accomplishment.

Honestly I doubt that I'll ever work on Park Avenue again in the finance world, especially because wearing real business clothes sucks when you don't have the money to afford them. Also, the hours are long and endless, even though the pay I'm assuming is very lucrative. Maybe, there is a slight chance I might try the finance world if I end up getting my MBA, but we'll see. Working inside an isolated cubicle is really tough. I can't tell you how many times I had to get up and walk around and how Paul and I always had to get a drink or something because we were either about to fall asleep or bored out of our minds (despite the amount of work we had to do, haha) I am thankful that Rutgers did give me the opportunity to be in Midtown in one of the nicest places of Manhattan. Maybe from time to time I'll walk around there and visit, especially the Hello Kitty statues and the wonderful fruit stands, and of course, Central Park. New York is definitely lovely this time of the year.

I wonder if my subsequent rotations will ever top this one; it is kind of awkward that my best rotation came first. But I did have the best cycle because I got to go to the opulence that is the New York Palace Hotel, as well as going to Le Parker Meridien for free. But hopefully, with the experiences that I have encountered, and with the knowledge I have gained, I am destined for bigger and better things. I hope.

the sign of things to come, as an art form

dedicated to Dr. Mark: Paul's favorite soup, which is also great as a sauce, too

that's not my name

2009-05-31T21:48:00.003-04:00

I don't usually post surveys here but ..

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:

1. When I saw that picture of us on your refridgerator, it broke my heart about how far we've grown apart .. I hope we can bring it back. I miss us.
2. Everything I've done in my life was to make you proud.
3. For a while I was jealous of you because you had everything I could never get. But now I realize that it doesn't matter, because you're probably one of the few people I know that will always be there, and I'll never forget that.
4. I'll never know what it feels like, what you're going through, but I'll always be here for your, and I'll never get tired of you after 6 years (and many more hopefully) together.
5. I'm glad that our friendship has survived the test of time.
6. You don't matter, but it still hurts to think of what you did to me. You missed out, and that's not my fault.
7. I had the biggest crush on you! LOL!
8. I may not be making as much money as the others, but I'll do my best and make sure you grow up right.
9. You're such an idiot! I'm sorry! I love you, but you're an idiot!
10. In the end, it's you and me. I'll stand by you even if the mountains fall, even when the sky turns purple, even if you get banished to the Star Trek planet where it's all snowy. I'll travel through space and time, dear. I love you.

NINE things about yourself:

1. I procrastinate like all hell.
2. I still don't know what I want to do with my life.
3. I enjoy a warm cuddle.
4. I've become more laid back than I used to be, and I'm cool with that.
5. I crack corny jokes and try not to take myself too seriously.
6. My mom irritates me on very few occasions, and we have a hilarious loving relationship that includes me annoying her on a daily basis.
7. I will wikipedia anything I don't know.
8. I have an irrepressable sweet tooth.
9. I practice smiling in the mirror.

EIGHT ways to win your heart:

1. Cuddle with me.
2. Make me laugh.
3. Buy me a 99 cent mocha latte.
4. Remember something we talked about in passing mention and act on it.
5. Pick me up and drive me places .. hahaha!
6. Hold me and hang out with me when I'm having a bad day.
7. Look into my eyes with sexy time eyes.
8. Have a stimulating conversation with me.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:

1. Graduating.
2. Finding a job and supporting kids that aren't even born yet.
3. What I am going to have for my next meal.
4. How much I want a nap.
5. Being broke all the time.
6. Charles.
7. The work that still needs to be accomplished.

SIX people who mean a lot. (no particular order)

1. My parents
2. Charles
3. People whose ringtone is "Call On Me"
4. Mary
5. Jackie
6. My Ate and Jenn

FIVE things you do before you go to bed:

1. Take a shower
2. Watch TV
3. Check my internets
4. Brush my teeth
5. Wish my parent good night and have good night call with Charles

FOUR things you’re wearing right now.

1. Free gateway T shirt
2. aeropostale boxers
3. underwear
4. scapular

THREE songs that fit your life right now.

1. Make it Work - Ne-Yo
2. Hush Hush - Pussycat Dolls
3. Lost Without You - Robin Thicke

TWO things you want to do before you die:

1. Take a vacation with my parents to Hawaii/Boracay
2. Get married and buy and Audi R8

ONE confession:

1. I was considering going to Medical School, but it takes (I think I should mention) WAY too long; I don't have the patience to wait another 10 years. I have a biological clock .. LOL

hush hush, i've already spoken

2009-05-25T13:40:00.004-04:00

So I thought about doing the daily blog thing and obviously it failed because I am lacking about 5 posts. haha. So I resolved that maybe I'll just blog as often as I can, as much as I can remember, because I'm pretty exhausted. I'm lucky that I got 2 days off of rotations this week because let me tell you, going to the city every day and taking the 545 am train is tiring. EXHAUSTING! And to top it all off, running an 11 hour day, getting up to 12 almost when I finally get home. DAG! But my proudest moment has got to be that I did it, I survived, and I'm still here. I learned a lot about myself and about how brave I can be, because even though I'm not in California, this is a lot for me. I'm a little bit closer to finding out what I want to do with my life; you would have thought by the 6th year I would know. Nope, still don't. haha ..

On a similar note, my rotation is going well.. being in a cubicle can get really mentally challenging because you're not allowed to take naps. LOL. Just kidding, but really, it gets pretty tough. I am learning a lot about a side of the pharmaceutical industry that I didn't know was as important as it is, and it's helping tie everything together. It's also very, very, very nice being able to walk around Central Park and Park Avenue on my lunch breaks with my classmate Paul. And getting fruit. I love New York fruit stands! One week is already finished and another week is starting .. 4 more weeks and then I'll be downtown. I guess this year will go by faster than I thought. I hope I manage to accomplish everything I set out to do, and I hope I get a good grade doing it. LOL. There's a lot of things in store for the rotation like meetings and things, so yay. I think I need to caffeinate for the rest of the rotation though, these hours keep getting tougher but at the same time I'm getting used to it. Oh well .. I still have to explore all the fun things at my fingertips! That is, if I still have the energy. LOL ..

There is still unfinished work that I have to do left over from the past year that I feel badly about not doing. I don't know if my research work is still worth turning in; Sam says it is but I don't have any motivation to do it.. except maybe guilt. I keep telling myself to do it but to no avail. Instead, I'm on facebook trying to connect to people because I feel like I haven't seen anyone in a long time. I guess you never realize how lonely you are until you are left alone. I wish there was more time, more opportunities, less work .. but I guess that is what comes with growing up. With getting a job. This sucks! haha. I think I have to give myself an internal deadline to finish it, then just hand it in, paid or not, to clear my conscience. I hate the fact that I'm like, escaping my problems, but I guess that's the way things go. After all, being on rotation is like, people can't find you since you're not at Rutgers anymore. Le sigh .. oh the high anxiety.

I'm definitely excited for my off cycle so I can finally take a break and do nothing. My mom wants to go on vacation for a week somewhere and Jackie is thinking about coming out. I hope she does, and I hope we go somewhere for a little bit, because being in school from approximately August 2008 until May 2010 with no official break-ish is kind of rough. Off cycles are nice! YAY.

Well anyways, I guess I'll be off to reading my report and things and et cetera. I hope you have a wonderful Memorial Day! Catch you next time :)

sprinkles

2009-05-18T20:32:00.003-04:00

Cycle 1, Day 1.

I want to blog about my rotation but I'm too tired to write anything. I'm sleepy and I have a pounding headache ..

Meh. WOKE UP TOO DAMN EARLY ..

Ran to the subway, ran to my site.

Then almost fell asleep!

Self reflection for today: Ang you are tired as hell. But you learned a lot! Kind of! Besides, it was only your first day. It's bound to get better.

k back to my show. peep you lates

i can show you better than i can tell you

2009-05-15T00:12:00.002-04:00

I start rotations on Monday, May 18.

For serious?

I don't even know if I passed Neuropsych.

Sitting through my APE orientation they told us we have to write self reflections about all our rotations.

So I thought, maybe blogging everyday would help.

After all, what better way to get an insightful look into my experiences than by recording them.

Time for the rebirth of Angelica's blogspot. :)

we got the magic girl

2009-04-29T09:01:00.004-04:00

OMG IT'S APRIL I DIDN'T EVEN BLOG ANYTHING IN HERE! NOOOOO!

WILL EDIT WITH STUFF TO SAY. MAKING MY MARK!

1/2 MORE MO THEN ON TO ROTATIONS! OH HO HO HO OH OH OH

CHECK IT!

Edit:

Okay so with the lull in time between my classmates sending me our Peds Onco Case and considering doing the other SOAP note in Neuro that I have to do, I thought, this would be a good time to blog. I've been doing so many of those damn SOAP notes you would think I'd finally gotten the hang of it. negative .. hah. I saw Neelesh today and he told me again how he likes to read my blog -- he reads my xanga-ish but I think maybe he was reading this one instead. Anywhoos..

The semester is finally, OMG, finally coming to a close and I'm 5-6 finals away from going on rotation. Scary, huh? Wowowee! I can't even consider it. I'm thinking about getting an iPod touch to amuse me on my train rides to the city every day and to put some expensive-ass Lexi-Comp software on it .. but we'll see. I'm basically flat broke and I spent my last dollar on a smushed Twix bar in the vending machine. Le sigh. Friday is Rutgersfest and I'm seriously thinking about hitting it up since N.E.R.D. is going to be there .. and you know how much my homie loves Pharrell. LOL .. I really want to go out and gallavant before I have to buckle town for my semi-cumulative finals. AND.. still have not caught up on that research. yeah ..

So my friends are going out tomorrow for their roommates' birthday and they invited me over to go. I think I want to go .. it'll just be tough because I know I can't drive while inebriated, and I don't know if my moms is cool letting me stay over their apartment because I'm going out to get tipsy. I always feel bad asking Charles to drive because it means he can't get as drunk and he only has a couple of beers. Poor DD boyfriend .. pobre .. LOL I really haven't been out in the hottest of minutes. My life has been completely taken over by the mundane. I think I find comfort in the mundane because it is safe to feel like everything is ordinary. If nothing crazy happens then that means that everyone is still safe, still alive. Adventure and craziness run the risk of danger. I think about it every day when I drive to school..

And finally, I did give into the resistance and joined the Twitter buzz. I don't even know what to do with it; it's like being friendsy with people but like you have to follow them? I don't really get that yet. I basically follow my homie and that's about it. I like it more for the randomness it provides. You know I love the randomness ..

Well anyways I hope you all have a wonderful evening. Back to the SOAP-yness.

♥

someone to set my heart free

2009-03-22T22:14:00.002-04:00

Dear Roman, (the rabbit)

I am so sorry that we had a rocky start to our relationship. But know that you are a wonderful bunny, and I've enjoyed the moments that we have had together. I wish we had more time together to build our relationship, and I wish my parents could appreciate you the way I learned how to. Thank you for letting me pet you and for your crazy bunny hops.. even how you hopped out of the pen and I kind of freaked out. I'm sorry. You deserved to run around our house. I am really going to miss you when you have to go back to the other foster home. Fuck, I can't even finish this fake letter to the rabbit because it makes me want to cry..

--

So I got really depressed because my mother is so anti-rabbit that she really "WAS NOT OKAY" with having him here for the past 4 days. She was horrible. She refused to look at it or even try to get to know it. At least my dad pointed and laughed at it. I don't know if I could ever forgive her for being so mean to him. I feel like I learned a lot about myself and about taking care of others when I had him. It was hard work but it was rewarding when he would let me pet him on the tack while he was chillin out watching TV.

I think it might take me a while to get over it ..

i will never be your stepping stone

2009-03-03T23:49:00.002-05:00

UGHHHH .. what a terrible time to be a pharmacy student ..

Even when you don't have exams, you have projects .. dumb projects to do, why? I don't know why. I'm not in the 8th grade anymore .. I rather wish I was, working with Jackie is sooo much more fun, making plays about Y2K. haha.

People in college doing group projects is no good, yo. Even if this is a buttload of work I'd rather do projects myself, or at least with people who have coordinated enough of a schedule with me so that we meet enough times and not half ass it at the end. No offense to my friends .. but srsly guys, we should have met a while ago!

My guy friends are really good about meeting, and about online chatting; which apparently is a very ingenious way of getting things done.

Recently I had some drama with a project that bordered on Bon-Qui-Qui esque. Ohhhhh I could have cut someone, for serious in real life. But I think being angry sometimes gives me more energy to direct towards my work, towards making it better because I know I can. But if I ever get screwed like that again I know I will cut a bitch. My mom says to let it go, you know, but damn ..

Anyways, I just want it to be Spring Break .. I hope I get to foster a baby bunny, because even though I don't get to go to Miami, at least I get to play with a baby bunny for the week and give it my love and attention. Yippie! Plus, I'm hitting up the city as usual with the homie for another museum adventure and waffle eating. Too bad we won't stay at a hotel .. I really wanted to check out that Dream hotel I peeped some time ago. Maybe when the best-est comes .. yeah? Probs .. like it.

Did I mention I'm going to go see Robin Thicke on Good Friday? Ironic .. don't worry Jesus, I promise I'll go to Church before the concert and on Holy Saturday too. and Easter. YEAH! Sucks if I have work .. BOO! That would be most awkward. Maybe I can ask if I can go into work late .. but we'll worry about that later.

Well time for bed. Good night, moon!

i hate this part right here

2009-02-24T21:24:00.002-05:00

So thanks to Erika my cousin/niece from the Philippines, I got another survey which I am going to use as fluff for my entry here in my blog that I have neglected. School is a bitch, yo! In other news, tomorrow is Ash Wednesday which means no fish and difficulty for Ang and the Charles to find things to eat on Friday outings. LOL ..

Rules: It's harder than it looks! Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and tag 10 people. Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real . . . nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

Have Fun!!

1. What is your name: Angelica

2. A four Letter Word: Able?

3. A boy's Name: Alexander

4. A girl's Name: Ariella

5. An occupation: Astronomer!

6. A color: Awesome Orange!

7. Something you wear: anklet

9. A Food: Apple pie!

10. Something found in the bathroom: Aspirin [though it shouldn't be there! it should be stored in a cool dry place!]

11. A place: Australia

12. A reason for being late: Ate lunch late.

13. Something you shout: AYE NAKO

14. A movie title: All the King's Men

15. Something you drink: Apple-tini's hahahah!

16. A musical group: All-4-One

17. An animal: Aardvark

18. A street name: Avenue of the Americas!

19. A type of car: AUDI R8 HELLLLLLYEAAAAA

20. The title of a song: All this Love by the Simians!

CHEEEEYYYYAAAAA

PS. So I started working out and my hips don't lie .. they hurt from running on the treadmill!
But on another note, I'm down to a 13-minute pace in my mile! SHHHHIIIEEEETTT .. let's get down to 8 minutes! WHAT WHAT lol

you've officially been chopped and screwed

2009-02-05T15:21:00.002-05:00

WHOOOAAA man, it's been 3 weeks into the semester and it's bananas! I feel like this semester is more about time management than actual brain-racking studying, but there's still shit that they teach us that I have no idea what is going on. It's cool though, I have off Fridays which I completely take advantage of and I sleep like all day. Jokes! Actually tomorrow I have another group project [again for the 120938th time] that I have to work on. What is with the group projects .. I feel like i'm in the 7th grade when Melissa, Jackie, and I worked together a lot and we used to make plays and all these other group projects. OMGGGG rainbow trout .. hahah

So as you can see that's my dream car over there. I swear I'm bordering on obsessed! I just think it is such a beautiful car. Not many cars I think are pretty but this one takes the mother something cake, son. Yesterday there was this guest lecturer who was telling us about a Pharmaceutical Analyst who got a yearly bonus of one million dollars! I am not even playing, yo! It was that serious. I was thinking about trying to go into that field just so I could buy my Audi R8 .. ehehehe

Anyways, things seem to be falling apart with my spring break plans [much to my dismay ARGH] and as much as I feel like I have a right to point fingers, I won't -- I"m just severely frustrated because I feel like a lot of the problems we're encountering could have been avoided had we planned this earlier like we were supposed to. I have a feeling I'm going to stay in New Jersey .. which I guess won't be so bad -- Christine and I plan to spend spring break in New York City tourista-style and get a room and watch a Broadway show. It actually seems like a really fun idea, even though it might be brick-ass cold when we do it. Oh well .. I love tourista-time in New York City .. yeppers. Still banking on Vegas or Miami .. maybe .. le sigh. I feel like such a lame-o college student who never went on spring break!

Well I hope everyone is having a good day today; <3 to my best-est for leaving a comment :)

blogspot is the new xanga .. or is it?

2009-01-10T20:48:00.002-05:00

wow, everyone and they mama got a blogspot now? oooh girl ..

i been on this jones for a minute, now .. hello!

i have been a faithful blogspot person since `05. oh yeah. that's right. two thousand freakin five!

i take pride in knowing i've been on blogspot for this long because it's starting to become trendy like bobs and pixie cuts. nah uh, yo, i start trends.

that being said, people don't read my stuff anyways that much anymore! LOL. oh well ..

i still blog on this for life. even my xanga too! helllllls yeah ..

well a better entry to come laters, when i think of junk to write --

PEESH

great in 08!

2008-12-31T13:04:00.008-05:00

I didn't do this in 2007, so I thought I would do one for 2008 to make up :) I am currently sick [why why why] and it's snowing outside! Oh man. Hope you all had a great year and let's get ready for 2009! Woots!

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? I went to Arizona! :)
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't think I made any real New Year's Resolutions. Maybe just to study harder? Eh, don't really know if that panned out well, hah
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope, but 2 of my cousins got knocked up and are due next year!
4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes, sadly. R.I.P. to Raoul and Eric Viernes. :(
5. What countries did you visit? No countries, just Arizona. lol
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? More energy and a stronger immune system!
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? The days I went to Arizona?
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Moving on to 5th year! Chyeah WHATWHATWHAT
9. What was your biggest failure? ID therapeutics? LOL
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? 2 infections in December! UGH - pharyngitis and the cold!
11. What was the best thing you bought? A pair of boots, gel pens, highlighters, my new laptop case from TJMAXX, american apparel clothes! you know, the basics :) OH! a juicy couture charm bracelet! :)
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Charles and Gillian because they graduated from college!
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Get back to me on this one..
14. Where did most of your money go? buying food and paying off my credit cards hahaha
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? going to Arizona and seeing Ne-Yo which ended up to be FEYO!
16. what song will always remind you of 2008? has to be:
- Closer by Ne-Yo
- Single Ladies by Beyonce
- and Hanna Montana songs!
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? I'm the same, just sicker hahaha
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? going out, because I definitely didn't do much of that at all!
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? I wish I did less being-tired-ness. and of course, less stressing out.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it at Charles house and at Mary's house.
21. How will you be spending New Years? Ninang Fely's house! I hear this might be the last Ninang-Fely shindig ever!
22. Did you fall in love in 2008? I'm always in love!
23. How many one-night stands? none!
24. What was your favorite TV program? How I Met Your Mother, and of course, Law and Order
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I hate our governor for cutting our school's funding and raising toll prices!
26. What was the best book you read? Facebook? Just Kidding! I would have to say Lexi-Comp!
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? the music from the Charlie Brown specials
28. What did you want and got? Juicy Couture Charms as well as an American Apparel gift card! and a Wintuk hat!
[what happen to question 29?]
30. What was your favorite film of this year? IRON MAN HANDS DOWN LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 22, had snowman shaped ice cream cake, shed a few tears, played cranium!
32. What one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? maybe more money, definitely more time!
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? very clean-cut lines and simple shapes, also navy blue and purple were the colors of choice! Plus I should mention I basically reused a lot of clothes that I already have lol
34. What kept you sane? My Pharm friends, my other friends, mary, my mom [sometimes], and of course Charles!
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? James Franco and Martha and Beyonce!
36. What political issue stirred you the most? The election of 2008 with Barack Obie! Who couldn't get riled up? lol
37. Who did you miss? My non-pharm friends because I never get to see them! and Gillian who is in London right now!
38. Who was the best new person you met? Actually that would be just getting to know more of my Pharm Classmates
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: Never take life for granted. Work hard.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. If you like it then you should have put a ring on it!

santa claus won't make me happy with a toy on xmas day

2008-12-25T21:54:00.006-05:00

Well it is officially the end of Christmas soon to be in about 2 hours and i guess in some ways this christmas is another sign of times changing in my life. Not only am I getting super old, but as an adult [almost hah] the presents don't flow like they used to, the kids multiply like rabbits around this time, and I continue to grow in debt. LOL, no worries, my friends, because this is the season of giving -- therefore, I give. :) In some ways this Christmas felt kind of special -- like when Abby [one of my currently 4 ina-anaks] came up to me and told me she loved her present, a Hanna Montana bead set that I got for her. It made me really happy because I really tried to get her something nice that she already didn't have .. she's at that age where she is starting to appreciate gifts. As I transition from receiving to giving presents, it feels really awkward -- I guess mainly because I don't have a full-time job yet and my cousins are out having plenty of babies to give presents to. My Ate found out recently that she's going to have twins! she then went on to tell me that I better be making a lot of money. Oh, man .. haha. This in addition to Jenn's baby due in April. :-O I know, right? lol. and NO NO NO, my uterus will not be inhabited by any growing fertilized egg anytime soon. No thanks, ladies and gentlemen!

For some reason as the kids were opening up the presents I kind of was already planning for next year .. sure, it's really advanced but I know with rotations and all I'll have to set up a definite budget and make a list of all the kids that I have to get gifts for.. as well as to remember the important people that deserve gifts as well. My mom was commenting on how "we must be in a recession" due to the lack of presents for older kids. I think it's partially that as well as a sign of the times. So many different people come in and out of your life that it's hard to keep track of who should get what presents. Maybe that's why Santa has a "naughty" and "nice" list. Maybe regular people just keep a "nice" list. Sometimes I think of how I want to give everyone I know a present because I feel sad when I see people who don't get any presents. When I was in church the priest said in his homily that people tend to overlook what they need and focus only on what they want.. and forget to be thankful of what they received. I think that rings true, especially with the materialism rampant in Christmas. Maybe Gillian was right when she asked everyone not to get her anything.. so we could just focus on how great it is just to be together as friends.

When I was in church, I realized that the best part of Christmas for me wasn't the presents. It was being in church, with my mom and dad, and hearing the priest say his homily. It was signing O Holy Night at Midnight Mass. It was taking pictures with Charles in front of his Christmas tree. It was seeing the look on the kid's faces when they play. It's everything but the presents. haha.

To be honest, sometimes I do get disappointed when I don't get what I wanted for Christmas. I never make it apparent, because I am grateful that I even got a present, but I think everyone can admit that there was a present they received that they didn't like or need. But all that disappointment goes away when I give the presents that I give. Because as cliche as it sounds, seeing the happiness in people's faces is a present enough for me at Christmas.

<3 to my best friend, Jackie, and Ren for leaving me some love in my blog. :)

don't treat me to these things of the world

2008-12-19T23:20:00.003-05:00

uh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ..

Wow, Ang, way to turn 22 on Sunday! haha. I know, it's pretty ridiculous, I'm going to be 22! That's insane. I'm trying to wrap my head around that fact and it's still hard to understand. I remember being younger and imagining myself at 22, yeah, I thought I would be more "mature" and this and that. Whatever, it's okay! I am pretty excited - relieved that my semester is finally over. P3/5th year is hard! I am not kidding! I do not want to sugar coat it for all of the underclassmen but Pharmacy School sucks. I am glad that my grades coming back haven't been so bad - B's! woot! Well except Onco -- but that's another story ..

Today I baked another Oreo cheesecake that I'm either going to bring to Charles' house tomorrow for Lisa's birthday party [actually it is also my birthday too! But let's not get into semantics haha] or I am going to save it for Christmas or my birthday. I haven't decided yet. It looks pretty good and I'm proud of myself that I'm getting better at making cheesecake. Hopefully one day I'll experiment with New York style .. it looks too complicated though for now.

It snowed today, so sadly Charles and I couldn't go to the city and see the Christmas tree like we planned. It's okay, I think we might go see it before Christmas hopefully.. I love New York City! I'm always like a tourist when I go there. Maybe that's why I love it so much, I don't have to go through the hassles of work or the excessively high cost of living in that tiny island. I really want to go to the Candy Store there that I love so much and maybe down to SoHo where I haven't been in a while and try and find some Asics. I love Asics! And of course, I'd like to have some pizza or something. Yum.

Tomorrow I have work, le sigh. I hope it goes by fast!

Well catch you all later. Sorry if my entry is kind of boring. Time for bed!

dim all the lights, sweet darlin

2008-12-10T23:39:00.006-05:00

so so so, it's time for finals week and reading days and the end of the fall semester and i'm doing what i do best -- absolute procrastination! ha! and i thought it would be a good time to blog right now about everything i am feeling and to see how long of an entry i can write. tomorrow is reading day and i should effectively be using that day to study morning to night, for my 4 finals coming up. oh man, i am just so tired of all the studying. the crappy weather we've been having doesn't make it any better -- it just dropped 20 degrees today here in the jerz and it's going to be "periods of heavy rain" tomorrow. man. i have recently been feeling the residual complication of life and all i can do is just stand back and let it all swallow me up like a giant whale of some sort.

i was reading my friend renee's blog about her life, and her questions about career choices, and of course if you're a frequent reader i always have questions about my career choice because it's the long stretch and it's getting just annoying and as sam puts it bluntly, "i want out." after all, it's not like we have a choice anymore. i've got 1.5 years left! that's it!

plus renee was talking about some stuff about her love life and i started to think about my love life too. it's pretty crazy because sam and i always reminisce about how crappy everything was when we were in 3rd year [P1] and i was just sad all the time because i couldn't handle the fact that charles and i were fighting all the time. and i mean all the time. it was getting to the point that sam suggested that charles and i break up for the sake of my mental well being. for some reason i thought it was a good idea to stick it out, and now we're like happy like roses. well ..

today i called charles after work [because sometimes i just have an incessant desire to call him as if he is crack and i'm a crack head] assuming he was home, but then he text back to me saying he was in new york for some seminar. say what? since when? exactly. that is what i was thinking. but he insisted that he told me, which clearly he did not, i tend to remember large details like you know, where charles is going to be. and then i got a little mad inside because he didn't tell me. and then i had an epiphany. sam asked me today how did everything magically turn around from the brink of the end of the relationship to happy roses. and i remembered. because all the times i would get mad charles would think that they are petty which of course would make me even more mad. therefore ..

ang is mad ==> charles makes ang feel petty ==> ang gets more mad ==> charles still does not understand and gets more mad ==> fighting ensues ==> ang cries ==> ang tries to make charles cry to no avail ==> ang feels guilty and cries some more

.. and that was a summary of my 3rd year in pharmacy school.. ha. but my epiphany was that we both came to a mutual understanding ..

ang gets mad ==> ang tries to get over it ==> charles asks what is wrong

and either:

ang cries ==> charles apologizes

ang says forget about it [usually this one] ==> charles tries to be nicer

issue suppressed/resolved, life moves on

and so the whole fighting thing gets avoided.

of course i still have my moments when the forget about it thing doesn't work [like now] and i get upset and i blog about it. [3rd option.] obviously, there are always issues that tend to bother me that i don't really mention online -- hey, you never know who reads this stuff -- that recur but have to be suppressed for the sake of, well, saving the world. just kidding. well, saving my world. my imaginary world. sometimes i think relationships are too complicated, but it would be silly to give up on one that is humming along.. after all, would you throw away a dependable car, or a fixed plate from the plate store, or your favorite american apparel track jacket? of course not.

of course maybe this is all a result of the fact that i have time on my hands that i am gleefully wasting away by writing in my blog. hahaha.

never gonna give you up

2008-12-03T18:51:00.002-05:00

NO NO NO NO NO!

i got sick! SADNESS! dammit, i don't know what happened but suddenly i got strep throat yesterday and now i'm on antibiotics! LE SIGH ..

so much for my big plan for going to the city to see the pretty tree on friday! i think i will have to take a rain check on that and go see it on another day. :( it has been a long time since i have gotten sick with a true infection needing a prescription that i thought i would be okay! but no! i had to get strep throat .. damn you infectious airborne bacteria! :shakes fist: exams are coming and i totally wasted a day sleeping yesterday and my hospital final is tomorrow. i am still trying to get through everything but it is way way boring like to the nth degree even though i plan on maybe going into the hospital pharmacy sector later on. [tell me why the people at my local chain retail pharmacy of which i will not call out on out of decency for my profession was totally bogus and didn't process my insurance right when i so had been going there for like 5 years now. hello! like for serious, that's dumb!] i thought that i could just fight the sore throat because i thought it was just a cold and you know us pharmacy students, they always teaching us about resistance to antibiotics and the overmedication of the population -- i was like, hell no i don't want a prescription! i just need halls! halls halls halls. well halls not working anymore and it was getting increasingly harder to swallow! oh man. so yes, i gave in and went to the doctor. yay medicine!

anywhos, maybe i might go to the city after finals or maybe during reading day like charles and i did last time. hopefully i'll be better by then and i won't relapse from this infection! le sigh .. there was a sample sale at triple 5 soul too! dag .. but who has money to shop! i spent all my money already LOL .. dags. this is just OD! christmas shopping is beat and i kind of want to do it online so i don't have to leave the comforts of my bed. oh wells ..

okay maybe i should get back to studying like usual .. til next time!

you can have whatever you like

2008-11-23T19:15:00.003-05:00

well well well!

it's the most - wonderful - time - of the year ..

NOT!

anyways, with the holidays looming i thought it might be an appropriate time to start making that christmas list of stuff that i probably won't get, LOL

no one ever thinks to read my blog! hahahaha but anyways, the economy is in the toilet so i'm not one to be picky with my gifts. but here goes anyway,

~~1. juicy couture charm [for my charm bracelet!]~~
2. photoEZ makeshift screenprinting kit or speedball super value screen printing kit
3. american apparel california fleece zip hoody or track jacket
4. american apparel unisex baby thermal long sleeve [in any color but asphalt or white]
5. the best pair of black skinny stretch jeans in the whole world
6. urban outfitters or groove brand sweaterknit boot in blue or marled color
~~7. nintendo ds lite in blue!~~ waiting for the DSi :)
8. asics mexico 66
9. taboo board game
10. 9'' spring form pan
11. 12093812093812093 flourescent sharpie retractable or thick yellow sharpie hightlighters
12. asian gel pens from morning glory

what do you want for xmas? :)

monster mash [OMGSCHOOL;;]

2008-10-28T13:39:00.003-04:00

i wanted to write an entry before october was over and i didn't have a month marker for october. so actually i should study pharmacokinetics, but i'm not, i decided to write in my blog for no reason. i don't even have anything to say! really, i could just bitch about school, like i always do, but neelesh came up to me one day and said, "i read your blog! all it ever says is 'pharmacy school sucks..!' geez..!" hahahaha .. okay neelesh, for you and anyone else who's reading right now, i'll try to talk about something else.

so halloween is coming up and i'm sooped because i get to go to a party and it's my work weekend off. i got a new job working at a LTC pharmacy; it's okay, not the super greatest job in the world, but it'll do for now and i could really use the experience on my CV/resume/whatever. it's an every-other-week jones so it's not so bad, it's just that the weekends i do work, i work 16 hrs 10-6/8-4. meh .. oh well.

[i still have research work to do that i'm so behind in .. AHHHHHHHHH]

so for halloween charles and i are going to be legends of the hidden temple contestants! my friends said that we should "match" [yeah, charles and i barely attempt any sort of couples matching type outfits in regular life, so i was surprised he wanted to go along with the idea] because my other friend who is taken is going as princess jasmine and aladdin
[*GIGGLE* *HAHAHAHAHA*] see only they could pull something like that because they are the matchy type girlfriend/boyfriend. but charles idea was pretty brilliant, and i'm a nerd who would go for something like that, and since we're too cheap to spend 50 bucks on a costume we'll only wear once, i made the contestant shirts for 5 bucks plus helmets we got at sports authority [that we probably will return after we wear them =X lol] cool, huh? i never been to a halloween party before and i'm not usually creative enough to have a cool costume.

when i was little i went as:

belle [before she met the beast]
a crayon [that looked like a carrot]
a surgeon
a clown
a mexican [i'm talking with a sumbrero and maracas]
a karate kid
an angel
person who has mental problems
someone from the 80's

-- and that's about it!

sometimes i wish i shelled out bucks for a complicated costume or was creative enough to be some of the costumes i've seen .. gillian was a sexy cop and tinker bell, and little red riding hood, christine was a devil [hence angel and devil] and i saw someone as the rubiks cube before, and ash ketchum from pokemon!

the strangest thing i found was when i found a costume for a "sexy pharmacist" .. now i know i'm a sexy pharmacist every day [LOL] but still! the costume was a zip up skin tight jumpsuit dress that came with gloves and pill bottles and a name tag that said "pharmacist" on it. dag, if you want to be a true sexy pharmacist you gotta wear a lab coat, heels, and ..

anyways, i think my costume's pretty sweet :) hope you all have a good halloween! don't eat too much candy :)

take me on a trip i'd like to go some day

2008-09-15T15:48:00.005-04:00

it is the middle of september and i felt that i haven't really had the time [or the drive] to really sit down and write a bonafide entry for my blog, and i really wanted to get one in before things really heat up and i totally forget to write one for september. lately things have been kind of tedious with school and all, it will only be a matter of time before the work starts to pile up with the tests and the quizzes and etc. i've been on the job hunt more and more nowadays, mainly because apparently at this stage i should have a "real job" [aka one that has something to do with my major] even though the new american apparel store was one of the applications i sent out. hahaha .. hopefully something good comes out of it, and hopefully i'll be making just a little bit more money soon. i was tallying up the expenses of things i feel i should be replacing in the near future -- a new coat, lenses for my glasses, a new phone -- and i don't really have the funds to back it up. [i was going to get new glasses all together but i'm too attached to my gucci frames to give them up. on the downside my lenses are so scratched up that it's getting harder to see. haha]

and with the talk going on about the economy looming toward a downward spiral i'm getting more and more afraid of how hard it will be just to live day-to-day. sometimes when i'm in the shower i think about my future -- not just graduating, but about getting married, having kids, putting the imaginary kids through college, and even about my retirement. some financial analysts say that i should start saving for my retirement NOW [ i know, how sad is that?] which makes me feel like for the rest of my life i'll basically be working so that i can retire. it sounds so sad and inevitable. when i think about putting my imaginary kids through college, i feel like i should be saving for them now! after all, if they choose to go to a private college [which in this day and age, a private school college education goes for about ~$100,000 at the very least!] not to mention if i choose to send them to catholic school, plus the cost of living .. i know i know, all this money talk is putting yours and my heads in a tailspin. it makes me worried and sometimes i lose sleep over it!

when i first started college i used to think that once i graduated all my problems would be solved and i'd have endless supplies of money to buy everything i could ever need in my life. but then i realized that i'm not bill gates and pharmacists don't make that much money. i don't know how my mom got through with raising me and stuff and paying the bills because i'm afraid that i'll be poor! and now with the interest rates high and mortgages crappy and this and that, i get even more scared, especially with the government already guaranteed to take half my salary. i thought that maybe i should work 3 jobs so i'll be financially secure. but i don't know! i know that i'm overreacting, but it is a scary thought you have to admit. hopefully whoever will be our next president will be able to make sense of our economy. i always thought that maybe the key to solving our problems was just to reset prices where $20 would equal $1 again and everything would be cheaper. but with higher wages comes higher costs and this and that and stuff. one time my friend vincent tried to explain it to me and it made sense but i don't remember it anymore! i should call him and ask him.

anyways, i hope you all have a good evening, i'm going to go study the renal clearance system, YAY

but i don't want to escape

2008-08-30T22:49:00.002-04:00

OMGGGGG I START SCHOOL FOR THE 5TH YEAR IN A ROW ON TUESDAY! WHAT IS THAT!

can you believe it. can you freaking, shake-a-do believe it. i'm a 5th year! what have i been doing!? obvs something right because i am still in pharmacy school! whoa! who does that! anyways, my unofficial last kid-summer is coming to a close and i am going to go see ne-yo for labor day weekend! how festive! [in the words of jeremy: "mom what's ne-yo?"] ne-yo, the one who sings hits such as closer and sexy love and so sick! yes! him! and FYI if you're not busy he'll also be on the today show! woooooooots to the max. well this summer has been interesting to say the least, at the same time boring, relaxing, tiring, cheesy, burgers, and most importantly a learning experience!

i am excited to see my friends back in school again because after being with them 24/7 for the past 2 years i grow to miss them. but i am going to miss the lazy days of summer and the opportunities to hang out with charles and watch tv whenever we feel like it. hopefully i also can get another part-time job to support my spending habits, minimal as they are, the cost of living frugally is also going up. i am glad that i got to go to the beach this past week [my last week off before school] where the water was warm in the jersey shore and the waves were beastly!

also now there is american apparel in my local mall and i feel like i am going to buy more and more clothes from there. i love it, i wonder if it really fits in the land of abercrombies and american eagles. whatever the case, i love it! i hope it stays! i actually applied for a job online.. LOL

well i hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable labor day weekend! heart heart heart!

insert sound of olympic theme here

2008-08-15T22:10:00.003-04:00

OMG I AM SOOOOO SUPER SLEEPY!
THANKS ALOT MICHAEL PHELPS!

i have been watching michael phelps for the whoooole week almost every night since the olympics started! now i am not usually a sports fan but i love love love the olympics. and michael phelps is a beast! it is pretty crazy because i have rotations every day which i wake up at 530 in the morning to go to. and since primetime is the time when the best things are on, i want to stay up late and watch it! crazy stuff! i didn't think michael phelps was gonna go for 7, but he did! OMG 8 is just bananas. totally bananas. and i am so glad nastia won! goooo nastia! nastia and shawn johnson were the american team. they competed in everything! it is only natural they go 1-2 respectively! trizzzzz. but now i am going to skip out on friday night festivities to sleep. i am sooooo sleepy.

one more week of rotations to go! i could not be any happier. though my time at the hospital has been well spent and i have been learning so much. i like hospital pharmacy, i guess mainly because i was lucky enough to get a really nice hospital with all nice people in it -- it's either hospital or target. LOL. still waiting on industry, hehe.

anywhoots, i'm even too tired to write a full thought on this blog, so i'll continue tomorrow. good night everyone! enjoy the olympics! i'm going in 2012, who's down? london town here i come! :)

GO

2008-07-20T23:44:00.016-04:00

well hello blog! i thought that it might be time for another angelica update to this weblog of mine because, although i've been slacking this whole summer i haven't got the mental ideal to write something in here. but now, with a little bit of picture form of what has been one of the few highlights of my summer -- charles weekly [kind of] basketball games! now i've been going to most of his games ever since i got the opportunity to; this is like charles 4rd season doing this and i only started going during the middle of the 2nd season. i know i'm a veteran! but of course someone has to do the cheering and what better than the cheerleading/family/friend/girlfriend squad to do it. yeah!

this is from when charles and i went to sonic in june

note the product placement

charles sure knows how to work the bench, awww.

carissa and i dutifully pay attention, most of the time. big red heart pointing motion! HAHA

men in action. note #23 is carissa's favorite.

look at the form! wonderful. :)

on a sad, extremely depressing note: i lost my beautiful wonderful heart shaped diamond filled necklace of 1.5 years! SO EXTREME, TEARFILLED SADNESS TO THE X100000 POWER. i have searched high and low in my house and it is nowhere to be found! thanks to my unreliable memory i don't remember the last time i wore it, only that the last time i saw it, it was on my dresser on ~wednesday-ish. i am so so so sadness. LE SIGH .. i hope and pray that someday it will turn up when i'm not looking for it.. help!

EDIT: I FOUND IT! YAY!

other than that my summer has been filled with boredom and relaxation, and brokeness. rotations start in ~1 week and it's bananas! i hope that i do better than good!

mad loves to the homie, gillian the fish who is in england right now, and my best friend who is currently making tons of slave architect models. chyeah!

till next time, when i have more interesting things and pictures to share. good night everybody!

donuts

2008-07-16T13:06:00.001-04:00

so according to money magazine's best places to live 2008, my hometown of edison, nj is ranked as the 35th best place to live this year! hahaha. i find that kind of hilarious, yet i am a little bit proud. i mean what other town is shaped like a donut and has menlo mall in it as well as ~5 of the major highways going through it? no sir-ee bob. anyways, just wanted to let you know. till lates :)

someone i can talk to, someone who'll really listen

2008-06-08T23:18:00.006-04:00

so it is june and i feel like i should write another blog! i should really be doing my work-from-home but i don't know why .. something feels like it's missing but hopefully i can get my act together soon. i blame the heat but i know that is one lame-ass excuse. i can blame the summer but that's another one too. hah. anyways .. so how has the summer of 2008 been going? pretty good so far, except with the whole, broke-college-student thing. but even that isn't so bad .. i feel like being broke is better than being over-occupied because i hate missing out on things. i rather like to have the opportunity and then skip out than never have the chance. nah mean? anyways, this is probably the last summer i can act like a kid so i am trying to take advantage of it before i have to act like an adult. and it's been fun!

oh so you know what? though it was supposed to be the same as last year, i forgot to write a post for mine and charles 2 year anniversary! i know! how freaking long is that? pretty! pretty freaking long! lol. but i have been [as my friends sometime imply] disgustingly happy [lol] these past months/years/weeks/whatever, and for good reason! when i talked to sam she was saying, "i am so glad that you are happy now, remember last year?" i don't like to disclose my problems too much online - i know, the irony, i have a blog - but let's just say things were a lot rockier than they are now. and some people thought that things should be otherwise, but perseverance and patience are worth it, because i enjoy the disgusting happiness. haha. i think i can speak for the both of us - me and charles - that we have had it pretty good. yeah! YEAH FOR US! YEAH YEAH YEAH! :) :) :) :) so to charles, my loving boyfriend, thank you for loving me for me. because i love you! YEAH! awesome! :D of course, we are not perfect, we still have our you-are-annoying-me moments, and i like those too. sometimes being happy all the time is irritating too. i know this sounds weird but sometimes i think it is good that i cry sometimes when things are too happy-happy because it lets me know that things are still real, still not super perfect. and i like not perfect. =] i like charles!

so because 2 years is a pretty big milestone, we have to celebrate it good, so charles and i spent 2 days doing fun stuff! we had "french" food in metuchen in cafe paris and i cheered for him because he had a basketball game! and then the day after we celebrated and went to the city and had an adventure. we [well, mostly me hah] went shopping and i bought shorts and an american apparel dress [AHHHH THE BANDEAU DRESS I LOVE IT I COULD WEAR IT TO EVERY PARTY I GO TO LOL] and we went to the NYC public library! charles was making fun of me because i couldn't recall the details of the sex and the city movie [you know, the part where carrie doesn't get married to big there] but it is such a nice library! charles and i thought that college was like studying in the NYC public library with all the uniform tables and stacks of books and the old fashioned lamps. but it's not like that at rutgers .. not even at alexander .. haha. after we went to rockefeller plaza and to la maison du chocolat where it is like gucci of chocolates. like 7 bucks for 3 pieces. dag. then we went to times square where there is a shirt that says "hello kitty and the city" at the sanrio store but it is severely overpriced. and the m&m's store and the nba store .. oh we are such tourists. there are so many! and we ate at trattoria trecolori [as recommended by charles bff buddy for life brian] where they grill chicken with fetuccine alfredo and it is the best grilled chicken that i have ever tasted in my life. go to that restaurant! i know i want to go back there and just order grilled chicken and pasta. YUM x 12093810293.

so now i am sitting at home and there is a massive heat wave and we just had a mini thunderstorm. i am so excited because i will be visiting sunny phoenix, AZ in 2 1/2 weeks! woots!

well i hope you like my blog! heart heart heart!

and i just can't pull myself away

2008-05-27T23:28:00.003-04:00

turn the lights off in this place

and she shines just like a star

and i swear i know her face

i just don't know who you are

turn the music up in here

i still hear her loud and clear

like she's right there loud and clear

for background information, please refer to the entry dated 2/16/08. lol

so i have done my share of facebook looking around, and this and that, and i was a little sad that i didn't get invited to the party of someone from parlin even though i don't even really know whose party it is .. but anyways --

i was looking at pictures of charles because he got invited to the party and i felt so old! well not because of charles but because the celebrant [after me and mary did some thinking] was one of the little elementary school OLV kids we used to know back in the day when the goal of hanging out was to hang out in parlin. not so much anymore, since i've been in college my circle has shifted to people who are going to push drugs rather than pop-and-lock and live in sayreville. [well, except for charles. charles is an exception! and homie! homie is another exception!] anyways, the celebrant used to always say to me back in the day when homie [also known as christine] would have parties and i would get invited or when i would see them in random get togethers. even at charles parties! i feel so awkward sometimes still even though charles and i have been going out for one year, 11 months, and 3 weeks and even though the past has been put behind me for quite some time now, it still makes me feel that uneasy feeling once in a while. i don't even know if she knows my name anymore, or who i am, or what i do, or anything. johan's little brother still remembers me most of the time, and when i met him, he was 7 or 8. he's so super big now, and he dances - way better than his brother i should say! [HAHA, =P but it's true!] i once said a long long time ago in the past that if i was 8 years younger and in jarryl's grade i would sooo have the biggest crush on him. i bet a bunch of girls do right now. hahaha. props to him for that.

thinking about all this sweet sixteen stuff made me think about my own cotillion .. 5+ years ago now! wow that's serious. some it are just faded memories now [i think that's for the best, lol] and some things you can't forget. like the lizard lady! i didn't even know she was until after, i think it was because i was so busy being the celebrant. i miss my friend kristine because she moved to texas after being in my cotillion. we always planned that if i was going to have a cotillion, she would be in it! and i miss my friend marielle .. who moved to massachusetts after she graduated high school. le sigh .. but i still get to see her every now and then when she comes down to jersey.

well i hope you like my entry because since it is summer i actually have time to think about things and write them in my blog. PEEEASE

push pills not buttons! JOKE JOKE JOKE :)

i really want to come kick it with you

2008-05-18T13:16:00.004-04:00

so it is finally, finally summer break and i fake graduated [because my status as a rutgers undergrad has changed to "grad student" - i even have to get a new card and junk and i have no more merit financial aid =( ] and i am happily enjoying doing nothing! well first i had an initial panic attack because we didn't have anything to study for and i was feeling antsy .. but i finally got my flow on and the first couple of days have been a little busy! it was charles basketball game on thursday which was a lot of fun even though his team lost. afterwards we went to applebees to engage in some inexpensive food and stay out a little bit late - the first time in a long time! it was a little weird because there was more of a crowd at the basketball game than there usually is - i am so used to going to the game and it would usually be only me and charles dad and brother watching. but now i get to watch with carissa because her favorite romeo is on charles team too. yay! i also had to make chocolate lollipops right after my last exam on wednesday for isabella's christening .. that is the first and last time i will ever think about making chocolate lollipops as a favor for any party ever in my life. it was funny because donald was actually the one making the lollipops instead of jenn - even though jenn was the one who called me to ask me to make them and they were her idea in the first place. oh man. and then on saturday it was isabella's actual christening party and it was quite fun! who knew you could have alcoholic drinks in the early afternoon for a christening party. i got to attend to my ninang duties once again .. so now my godchildren count is up to 4. i know .. it's pretty sick nasty. christmas is going to be one crazy holiday for me again. haha. and of course i am playing mariokart a whole lot now that i have the time to and i hope to unlock a lot of things over this summer. but i am not that great at video games and i proud of myself that i unlocked king boo because he is my faves. well, next to yoshi who is everyone's faves. oh did i mention i also baked some cupcakes? i am so proud of them because i baked them allllll by myself with no help [or should i say meddling] from my mom or anyone whatsoever. soon i will make cupcakes from scratch and not from the box. and they look pretty cool too! yay. at least i can bake cupcakes and they don't come out messed up. this thursday it is charles and gillian's graduations so it will be a busy day for me. i wish i was graduating too for real so i could wear a cool cap and gown but i guess my time will come eventually. le sigh. well anyways, i guess i should get ready for more hang out time with charles. yay.

♥ to my best friend in the whole wide world, jackie! :)

allow me to get you right

2008-05-11T23:25:00.003-04:00

UGH I HATE FINALS .. finals are the worst. i have been studying like a nutjob for the past week and i've only taken one and i have 3 to go. well, this isn't the first time i've had 3 finals in a row .. the last time i had 3 exams in the same week this semester i bombed them all. yikes .. well hopefully this won't be so bad. i do have whole days to cram in between .. a good sign, because who doesn't love cramming more than pharmacy students. [i do have my limits, you know, after all i don't pull all nighters.] after that it's home free, i hope, and my 4th year will be over. on another note, today was mother's day and i spent it making my mom go over drugs with me again. aren't i such a great daughter? lol. however it did backfire when my mom took it as an opportunity to march into my room during one of my breaks and subsequently proceed to force me to go over my drugs when i didn't want to. ang was not a happy camper at all. but i had to, for the sake of my mom, for the sake of me, and the sake of my grade. and what mother doesn't love quality time with her kid. forreal. but i was unhappy that i didn't get to make the cupcakes i was dying to make this weekend due to some unforseen circumstances which i shall not go over due to the apparent nature of the situation. [really it's not that serious but for the record let's cover our bases.]

today i realized that charles won't be here next semester to study with me at the library when/if i go into 5th year [p3] next year. it's a little sad but it's a new step in all of our lives .. and i think we've gradually eased into it this year since he had all his classes on the other campus all the way on the other side of town from the campus that i have my classes on. it's all good i guess. i'm just banking on making it to 5th year .. wow, how scary is that. 5 years in college and i'm still alive? damn.

anyways i should really be reviewing/sleeping etc etc instead of blogging but i haven't blogged anything this month and you know i'd like to have an entry for may or something. too bad blogging won't pay the bills like pharmacy does, and too bad no one really reads this after being on it for 3 years now. lol.

well i hope you all have a wonderful week today. i sure will after may 14 .. holler.

shouts to jopapa - who i have yet to send my mariokart friend id # to. after finals it is soooo on like honey dijon!!!

chang chang and bring it over there

2008-04-29T19:38:00.003-04:00

mario kart image would be here ..

i am addicted to mario kart for wii! ahhhh i play it religiously.
it just annoys me that everything has to be unlocked to fully get everything out of the game. UGH! i don't have time for this haha. daaag ..
hopefully i can finish getting everything out of it this summer. yay. and learn how to drag correctly!

stupendous hippopotami

2008-04-21T14:00:00.009-04:00

hello, i currently writing in my blog because i have the time to do so!

this past weekend was the first weekend that i didn't have to study for a test! [but i ended up studying for medchem anyway which is 2 weeks away]

but i would like to show you how my day has been going today.

today i went to pharmacology early! and dr. hughes was there [but he is not our pharmacology professor but oh well you get the point.]

class attendance is down during the end of the semester! but people starting coming a lot at the end. yeah!

this is dexter and we ate lunch today!
dexter's superpower theory: he wants to have meat vision. ask him for details

sam is bored that we don't have any studying to do. she is perplexed

we still have one more class to do which is intro pk .. UGH

anyways, have a sunny day!

i've tried every remedy and nothing seems to work for me

2008-04-06T23:25:00.002-04:00

do - do you got a first aid kit handy?
do - do you know how to patch up a wound?
tell me, a - a - a - are you, are you patient, understanding, cause i might need some time to clear the hole in [something something,]

OH MM GEEZ i am so addicted to this danity kane song and i don't know why. i have already played it like 10 times in a row. it's that serious.
[note: christian siriano may have "fierce" as a catchphrase but mine is definitely "serious." hahahaha .. i say that with everything! it's gotten so bad that my mom said "this is serious" when we were out of eggs and milk. wow .. hahahah]
anyways, i have just survived one of the worst test-taking weeks in my entire life -- 3 exams in one week! WTF, and i definitely, DEFINITELY failed my biopharm-kinetics exam. IN ALL SERIOUSNESS. i had no idea what the f-ck was going on in that shit! [i'm trying to cut down on f-bombs, hah] damn, i so forgot it all right before the exam.
ANG, we really have to work on your memory skills before exams. no more blanking out!
well, the pressure is definitely on now to bang out some good stuff on finals [ugh] but oh well. let's just hope i can pull out all the stops. like damn!

now that it's not lent and i was utterly bored this afternoon i definitely got back into my wikipedia jones. man! i need to get over that stuff.
i'm slowly trying to accustom my distaste for facebook, but still have enough that i don't check it everyday. i think it was because i was so super bored today. DAGs ..

anywhoots, i hope you enjoyed the little slice of my life!
2 more exams! UGH!

then finals! DOUBLE UGGGHIES

ps. i would really like to start an invitation printing company. haha

shouts to the best a.k.a future architect, jackie!

easter bunny

2008-03-23T11:29:00.002-04:00

after all those weeks of cleansing my soul by giving up facebook,

finally easter is here and i went on it for the first time in 40 days and tried to sort through all of the garbage that cluttered my account.

now i remember why i gave it up in the first place,

i think i'm giving up facebook again for a long time.

since it's not lent anymore and i have the freedom to go on facebook whenever i want,

i feel like my life is a lot better without it. i feel like i have evolved [is that the word i want to use?] into a newer, better, more self enriched person.

social networking is overrated and i do get myself into a lot more mental and emotional trouble when i look at it.

after all, why should i care what people send me or tell me?

you know you could always just message me directly. lol.

so now, on this easter sunday, i am giving up facebook again. this time, it's not because of self sacrifice. it's for a bigger, more enriching purpose.

there will come a time when i will probably deactivate my account because i will be a grown up [for real] and i will need a clean slate for when i start applying for big people jobs.

but for now, as i continue to "prolong my youth" as sam calls it,

i'll take this growing up thing one step at a time. and i guess, cutting the facebook stuff out of my life is a step in the right direction.

to be honest, logging into it felt really weird and out of character.

maybe i'm just being maarte [over-acting]

but it's the truth. anyways, i guess this is enough of my rambling.

i am going to look up how to make easter rabbit ears for when i be a silly ninang and be an easter bunny and give out eggs to the kids. lol

happy easter friends!

iANG

2008-03-05T23:25:00.001-05:00

dag, this was the hardest thing to edit. lol

i still want to get rid of that trackbacking thing .. ugh, it is so annoying and i don't even use it.

in other news ..

courtesy of eli manning and my mom's new mac. which she doesn't really use. yeah. hahaha

start spreading the news

2008-02-26T20:26:00.003-05:00

you know, sometimes people comment a lot about how " *fake* " other people are. now i'm not trying to call anyone out, there are too many people who do this, but i tend to wonder, maybe they're calling me out. because sometimes i feel a little fake. maybe i'm trying to claim responsibility and take things too personally, but i don't understand it. sure, it's not nice, or fair, to pretend to act for show. or to play along when you are really trying to hide your distaste or insincerity. but at the same time, i catch myself doing it. doing it to save face or to be politically correct.

sometimes, i think we have to be a little fake. after all, i think the world would be quite harsh if everyone was as real as real pie. even the nice people. i'm sure even the nicest person wants to curse off someone. i personally would i find it difficult for anyone to like me if i went around telling people how i honestly think they are the worst person in the world or how much their fake tan sucks. [because it really does suck!] really, do i want to be in that mess? i know it's such high school drama. and it's obvious when you sense the tone in the person's voice. well, sometimes.

like i said i do admit "faking" things sometimes to be politically correct. [i'm not talking orgasms, people, get your mind out of the gutter! hah joke] my cousin jenn said that it's something that runs in our family, LOL. not that i'm saying that my family is a bunch of fake people and that you can't trust us. on the contrary. we are very honest people and we feel what we feel and say what we say. i find my family to be very trustworthy.

but don't tell me you haven't put on a straight face when you saw someone you didn't like. or smiled so plastic just to convince them that "yes, you really do like them!" "no, it's okay! i'm not irritated!" i know i have. plenty of times. even when i sooooo didn't like the person, or the situation, or i was just very ANNOYED. i guess i do it to avoid conflict. because i can't stand conflict. and don't tell me you haven't told someone to keep a secret because you didn't want another person to know, and you continue faking along this charade of blissful ignorance to avoid a messy situation. sometimes, even trust is built on the ability to well, be fake, in a way.

so i know, you don't like fake people. i get it. i also don't appreciate insincerity when i encounter it. but sometimes, when you call them out, i hope you're not being a hypocrite about it.

over futile odds, and laughed at by the gods

2008-02-21T10:53:00.002-05:00

i have an hour before my ID class starts.
you know, the class that i just completely got an almost-F in.
yes, i admit it. i am telling the world, right now, i got a 60 on my ID exam.
yesterday i was trying really, really, really hard not to let it get to me because i have an exam today.
and an exam tomorrow.

but i couldn't help it.

i cried. again.

i know, i'm such a baby. i shouldn't be crying, i'm a P2 or whatever the hell i'm supposed to call it. 4th year. same thing. this isn't the first time i got an almost-F [it happened last semester too, hah] but i can't help it.
i know, it's only the first exam. i have 3 more chances to do something right. i know. it's not the end of the world. but then why do i have this feeling of impending doom?

yesterday in med chem the professor was trying to do his best to inspire us, saying how "during graduation there is a line of faculty who applaud you while you are getting your diploma." it felt like a pep talk before "the big game." as if we were going to war.

war, with drugs. antibiotics, etc.

last week i got a similar inspirational talk in my pharmacology class too --

it's as if the professors are trying to make sure that we don't go suicidal and try and kill ourselves. or do something rash -- something that could potentially harm ourselves.

somehow i don't know if it's really helping to give us pep talks like that. soemtimes i feel like it just makes it worse -- as if they are just rubbing it in our faces the fact that we are suffering.

there are days where i am amazed by how far i've made it in this program but i'm still so far away from the goal. sometimes i don't know what i did to get here, because i feel like i haven't learned a damn thing in the past 4 years.

there are times when i want to give up so bad. i just want to leave.

but i can't. it's like i'm trapped.

i desperately want a vacation. i want to get out of here, out of this mess that i got myself in.

i should be studying for my exam tonight .. i should always be studying when i'm not, but i don't care. not right now. not while i'm trying to hold on to the last bit of sanity that i have left.

on a one to ten she's a certified twenty, but that just ain't me

2008-02-16T23:21:00.002-05:00

yo, so lemme get out my semi-ghetto speak for this entry. i'm seeeerious, yo. it's that serious!

okay so first i was watching the challenge game show or whatever on channel 12 .. and i saw bishop ahr was competing! yeah so i don't know anyone anymore at that school -- my generation has up and graduated already -- but i was cheering for them! too bad the mother f'in pingry beat them. like dags. i knew it was because we don't learn that much random shit at bga.

and then today i was talking with my homie and i had some kind of frickin age life crisis or some shit! like damn, i was like, shit, how old am i!?! homie's brother christian is gonna be f'in 18 like for serious. FOR SERIOUS! i frickin met that kid when he was still small like 10 years old! daaags! iono what had haaappened! dags! i was like, i thought i was still at bishop ahr or somethin! man! and frickin her cousins alexa and zandrea [is that how you spell it?] are 15 and 6 [respectively going to be] and alexa's frickin in bishop ahr now!!!! like what the f is that! i still remember when she was 6 or 7 and writing me cute letters! i bet she doesn't even remember me anymore. that's okay. i am too old to be getting letters from baby cousins of my friends. haha. i am just sayin, where did my time go? dags, i still remember being at bishop ahr and writing in my xanga and shit. dags. i looked at my old xanga entries and it was serious! mary said xanga was a whole other lifetime. yeah, you right you right! i mean even know blogger is another slice of my life that i'm lookin at. i bet that when i read these entries years from now i might be kicking myself. i know i've grown up and shit but dags! high school was that long ago?! wtf .. LOL. so then i was like, on the website of bishop ahr and it all is like high tech and shit now and it's like, damn! that was a start up when i graduated! like what is that! sewing club!? wish i got that shit! i prolly woulda went to fashion school if i had that shit going on. forreeeals

yo i used to think that things happened for a reason or some junk like that, cause like, you know, i thought that maybe 9/11 happened so i could meet johan or whatever. and maybe that's true and maybe it's not, but it's like dags!

sometimes charles and i discuss about how we led parallel lives in high school and had mutual friends but we never really took the opportunity to talk and get to know each other and shit like that. cause you know i was like almost bff at one point with chris his bro bro and i din even know there was a such thing as charles. like dags! i din even talk to charles until college! and then i'm like yeah i think it was better that way because i was way too tryna be ghetto or some shit like that nah meean. charles is not ghetto except he listens to biggie smalls and tupac but he says "they got shot and died." LOL. he would think i was a loser. at least that is what i think he would be thinking but then like back when i was a total facebook stalker before lent i saw mad corny pictures of charles. hell yeah, we both are mature or whatevs now. yeah!

anyways, i guess my ghetto speak is over. chyeah back to pharm/poison/med chem!

ricochets off the moon and sets the forest ablaze

2008-02-06T13:51:00.000-05:00

today is ash wednesday.

today i have to give up eating meat, fast, and do all things catholic.
today, i have given up facebook, social networking, youtube, wikipedia, and looking up dumb stuff on the internet to fulfill my curiosities. [well, except i looked up the lupe fiasco lyrics for the title of this post.]
today, i bombed my med chem quiz that i intended on studying for on sunday, monday, and tuesday - but i instead successfully wasted all of those days watching the superbowl, doing that mr. pharmacy bull, and going to new york while subsequently spending the evening with charles doing absolutely nothing productive.

then again, tuesday was mardi gras; maybe i can use that as an excuse. the excuse for my superfluous amount [i'm not going to call it a waste, because time enjoyed wasted is actually time well spent] of studying time that i instead used to hang out and be young and reckless.

but no, today, today is ash wednesday. the day for the beginning of my self-sacrifice. i'm not gonna say that i'm magically going to get my act together with this studying thing just because today is ash wednesday. i highly doubt that. but maybe, for the sheer fact that i come to believe that i hope to accomplish something today -- maybe i'll actually do something studious.

midterm time is soon approaching and i dread it - this semester i have had more information jammed down my throat in the past 3 weeks than i have ever had in any first 3 weeks of the past semesters i've had. i didn't have any introductory week. no, "welcome class, let's introduce you to this topic. let's talk about it."

no. instead i get "LEARN THIS BITCH -- NOW"
how's that for higher education?

in my previous experience i tend to bomb anything medchem related - i don't do well with sheer memorizing and i'm still trying to hold onto what semblance of a young life i have. i'm just too lazy, too tired, to stay here, and study, and accomplish anything. i have no motivation. who am i staying here for? i guess i should take a clue from andy who stays late studying on campus.

but it's a lonely existence - bookworming it up in the library.

honestly i don't think the material is the only thing that makes 4th year [P2] hard. i think it's a mental challenge - being able to handle and balance school and fun and everything in between.

for the past couple of weeks my mom has been on my case about going out on the weekdays.
i know she has a point, but then again, where's the slack i get for being young? i don't know.

anyways, again i have successfully spent studying time in exchange for mental stability. i feel it was time well spent.

♥ to my best in the world, jackie :)

i don't really care we can have it anywhere kind of love

2008-02-01T00:02:00.000-05:00

forever was a minute, and eternity was a second ..

i only got away with taking this picture because charles was tipsy .. LOL

clumsy

2008-01-23T21:27:00.000-05:00

yeah so remember that whole, bliss thing? the neverending state of happiness i was talking about?

yeah that's gone. it's faded out.
it's as if i was living in a dream for 2 weeks and suddenly i've woken up.

today was the second day of school and i just felt so .. so bland. like the vivacity i had was sucked out of me.

honestly, if you really want to know, i found last semester to be academically exciting. i know, i was crying, complaining that it was too hard, on the verge of getting not so nice grades -- but it was so academically stimulating. everything i was learning was so fresh, so new -- i was thrilled. it was hard, but i felt like, like .. you know what? i'm really smart to have gotten this far to be learning these things!

but now, it feels like waking up after a good night of dancing. or snowboarding, but i never been snowboarding before; but for all intents and purposes i'll use this also as an analogy. lol.
you know, you go to a great party. or, you go to new york city. and you dance and walk and dance the night away. and you have the one of the best days of your entire life, taking in all of the juice of life and it feels great!
but of course, you can't stay awake for the whole day [unless you're my Rx friends who pull all nighters LOL] and then you go to sleep. and then when you wake up the next morning it's like .. OUCH. you're tired, and sore, and just so out of it .. and all you can think about is "what the hell happened last night? it was fun, but damn!"

.. and that's how i feel like right now.

if you are what you say you are, a superstar

2008-01-14T22:26:00.000-05:00

so i slightly changed my layout, you know, for valentine's day and all .. and my mom saw the banner i just made and started getting all these ideas ..

but it's like .. ever since charles went away to the philippines and then came back, it feels like we've been together in a state of unadulterated bliss. i feel so happy, so randomly happy, being with him, seeing him .. that it feels unnatural at times. i guess i've been spending so much time being unhappy, and stressed, that finally being truly happy scares me. but then again, i should enjoy all the happiness that i've been blessed with .. school is coming, and you know what that means. so, for the time being, right now, just let me enjoy my blissful time, with my cheesy banner showing how much i love this frickin tall guy. let me go back to those days where i could be honestly mushy and gushy like a crazed teenager. i guess it is better sometimes that charles doesn't read my blog, because i can be as brutally honest and as brutally sugary sweet as i want to. and eventually, i'll take this banner down, and put one that's simply design based.

at least, you can get a little slice of my life. you can see this person who makes me happy. and although my mom protests that this is like "bragging" or "broadcasting" charles and i's relationship, well, let me have it for these few moments. this isn't going to be a permanent banner! sigh.

i just love him! sorry! lol

2007 recap, however late!

2008-01-02T12:41:00.001-05:00

*The 2007 Survey*
Did you change in 2007?:	I think so .. I feel older and wiser now lol
What was the best moment of 2007?:	my 21st birthday, yay!
Did you fall in love in 2007?:	I am always falling in love everyday with Charles [i know i'm corny shut up =)]
Did your life change in 2007?:	It changes a little everyday, but with school harder, yes
Will you remember 2007 as a good or bad year?:	I think it was both, but I'm gonna say it was better instead of worse
Bests of 2007
Song?:	Because of You - Ne-Yo
Album?:	probably Ne-Yo's album, Alicia Keys' album
Concert?:	hahaha .. I didn't go to any but Hanna Montana was bananas LOL
TV show?:	OMG ummmm Las Vegas, OMG!!! I KNOW! HOW IT'S MADE! THAT'S MY SHOW
Movie?:	Transformers!
Book?:	I don't know, Pharmacotherapy? LOL
Video Game?:	Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party!
Fashion Trend?:	Opaque Tights and Flats
New Craze?:	? I would say Wii but it came out in 2006 lol
Worsts of 2007
Song?:	Personally I think soulja boy is pretty dumb
Album?:	the corny ones
Artist?:	Britney Spears .. just a hot mess!
Movie?:	Well if they sucked I didn't see them LOL
Book?:	I don't read books anymore LOL
Tv Show?:	Tila Tequila's show!
Fashion Trend?:	UGGS WITH EVERYTHING, I HATE UGGS
Latest Craze?:	?
Random 2007 Questions
What concerts did you see?:	None, =(
What memories were the best?:	Memories with Charles and my bff buddies for life .. oh and work memories! and and .. my 21st birthday, and random jokes in school, eating at U-yees, etc etc
How were the holidays in 2007?:	lame! Christmas was lame, no one came, and New Year's was even more lame! SUPER LAME!
Did you keep your new years resoulution?:	I don't think I really made any .. Sam and I tried to be the Pussycat Dolls .. Charles thinks I'm a pussycat doll .. so maybe? ahahahahha
Do you have any regrets about 2007?:	Just the fact that I probably could have done better in school .. what else is new lol
Who were your celebrity crushes in 2007?:	Shia Labeouf, umm, Josh Duhamel, David Beckham hehe
What celebrities were you so sick of in 2007?:	Britney and Paris hands down
Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend in 2007?:	Charles! the amazing super deluxe tall guy! my favorite!!!
Did you go to a prom in 2007?:	I had a halfway done formal, does that count?
Did you graduate anything in 2007?:	nope, i wish!
Was your heart broken in 2007?:	I had my days
Did you loose any friends in 2007?:	Well I lost contact with a bunch of people because of school
Did you discover a new hobby in 2007?:	DDR and some other stuff .. teehee
Did you make any new friends?:	School friends! Work friends!
Did you conquer any fears?:	Yep .. fear of going out late lol
Did you move somewhere new in 2007?:	Nope!
What were your favorite inside jokes of 2007?:	Oh man, so many! But the best one is SEXY TIME! and AFFECTION, AFFECTION!
Did you aquire any new nicknames in 2007?:	not really
How was the summer of 2007?:	pretty good! but i worked most of the time
What song best describes your 2007?:	Beautiful Girls -- Sean Kingston
Take this survey Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

rock the casbah

2007-12-21T00:00:00.000-05:00

so usually i'd be on time with the whole writing my entry for my birthday [fyi i'm really writing this on dec. 22] but since i went down to AC for my birthday, i kind of didn't have the time to bust out the laptop and write some things. a lot of things were going on like 12093812098 different ways .. and even though there were a lot of things that i could have done to be more .. efficient with planning, i wouldn't have changed a thing for my birthday. it was one of the best days of my life, spent with some of the people i love the most in this world. sure i was woozy and dizzy feeling, and achy, and my stomach aches from something, and i spent part of it in tears, and part of it in chunks.. it was a big day for me. i loved it.

yes, i know 21 comes with a reputation, and a responsibility in some ways, because i don't have an excuse that i usually use to not go to events and get-togethers for the 21 and over crowd. but then again, just because i am this age doesn't mean that the bar scene thing is really for me .. after all -- that woozy feeling? really not the best feeling. i think i was smiling and such with woozyness because i was just so happy it was my birthday lol. but really being woozy isn't fun!

anywhoots, my 21st birthday was really a day to remember. i'd post a lot of intricate details here but i think they're best left unsaid. and if you really want to know what happened, you'd have to ask me in person. lol.

it's true that they say you have to have bad times to realize the good times, because i certainly realized one of the best times.

i don't know what else to say .. but i could at least leave you with some pictures ..

flashy lights

2007-12-18T20:20:00.000-05:00

i just want to make sure that i'm not dreaming and that i really did pass medchem ..

maybe i'm feelin' myself too much i guess

2007-12-10T23:42:00.000-05:00

everyone always wants what they can't have.

there were a bunch of people who wanted to be in my pharmacy program back when i was a freshman -- i guess the prospect of a secure job and future was enticing to a bunch of people .. like i've been saying, i fell into pharmacy unexpectedly and blindly, but since i'm in it i might as well finish what i've started.

when i was in high school, the fr3sh dance troupe had just started up and everyone was dying to be in it. heck, i even tried out once and i have the grace of limp bird. everyone wanted to be in it because if you were in it, everyone knew you .. you always looked fabulous dancing on the stage, wearing the flashy semi-coordinated-yet-still-shreddedly-individualistic outfits. it was the top of social networking before tila tequila took over myspace.

recently i have to admit, i tried out for the annual super asian fashion show that they hold here at rutgers. i mainly did it for fun, and because my group of friends in pharmacy school were overly excited about trying out for it. there was a part of me deep down inside that knew that my chances of making it in were slim -- like i said, i have the grace of a limp bird and i am more unfashionable than ugly betty. however, i still wanted to make it. after all, no one likes rejection.

the tryout for the fashion show was complicated like america's next top model .. i swear, it was worse than trying out for tyra and ms. j alexander. shit, it's not like i was up for an elite modeling agency contract. i wouldn't even get paid to be in this fashion show [if i had made it.]
this one lady who came in to "teach" the runway "walk" was way too intense -- no offense, but she was acting like this was the john galliano dior fashion show. and you don't even have to teach those girls how to walk the way she was trying to teach us how to walk. like damn! [sorry, but she was scary!]

sadly, i didn't make it into the fashion show. the guy who called me had such great timing --
as i was walking from the student center to my exam room my cell phone rings. mind you i'm in this zone because i'm already having an anxiety attack that i might fail my med chem exam.

"hello, is this angelica?"
"yeah.."
"hi, i'm just calling to inform you that unfortunately, you have not been selected to be in the china nite fashion show. out of a pool of ### candidates, only ## were chosed, and unfortunately, you weren't one of them .. [continues on and on ]
"uhhuh, uhuh, okay .."

in my head i was like, cut the bullcrap, i didn't make it. sugar coating it doesn't help.

now of course, like i said, i can't have this, and for a slight moment, [okay maybe not that slight because after all, i am blogging about this] i really did want it. i wanted to feel like i could prove myself as if i was still in high school. like i could be one of those girls who everyone in a certain interconnected network knew [i hesitate to use the term popular, because there are varying degrees of popularity -- someone could be popular in one circle and a virtual unknown in the next] but as history tends to repeat itself, i was once again an awkward individual excluded from an elite membership.

i didn't cry about it though, because this isn't the first time i've been shafted. heck, i get shafted every day in pharmacy school. [did you hear about my 4 week hospital rotation?!? helllerrrrr] and plus, isabella was just born so how could i be sad when such a cute baby has come into my life. i did my best to try to think of everything i've been blessed with -- school, my family, friends, charles .. so the pity didn't last for that long.

not everyone has the opportunity to go to school and not everyone has the opportunity to have godchildren and nieces and nephews. some people get excited when they have 1 for the first time -- i'm up to about 3. [plus isabella, she's my newest niece] i'm pretty lucky that i have a bunch of kids calling, "ninang angie! ninang angie!" people usually tell me, "i wish i could have godchildren."

to which i often respond, "hahahaha .. well you don't have to buy presents for them"
just kidding of course, i'm so happy to be ninang-status.

some people don't have the opportunity to fall in love and others have fallen out of it.
some people want to fall in love.

some people don't have the brains that other people have

i'm lucky that charles and i are still together. lol.

as much as people try and try to be something they're not, or try to get things that they think will make them into who they want to be, or hang out with people who they think will get them to where they want to go ..

i think we tend to forget who we really are inside.. since we're too busy trying to be someone else.

i don't know if i'll ever have the model stature that tyra has, or that alessandra ambrosio has.
i don't know if i'll ever dance like people do in california.
maybe i don't have the right attitude, or personality, or "fierce" or whatever they call it.
maybe i was never meant to model for some chinese fashion show.. or any fashion show.

i think i have to stop wishing of trying to one up everyone, and instead just be happy where i am right now.

i think i'm going to go to bed, good night!

it's the most wonderful time of the year .. kind of

2007-12-03T13:02:00.000-05:00

welcome to the world

isabella !!

so my cousin is officially with child! YAY .. i'm so happy, because now there is another cute little girl to play with and make faces at. the only downside, jenn is now a mom -- which means that she's on mom-side now and she won't advocate for me to go out anymore .. BOOOOO.

but whatevs! she is soo super cutes. she is going to be a hot half asian baby in the future.. gotta love the half-breeds .. tee hee

oh yeah jenn is a trooper she didn't even have an epidural or anything! like damn! she pushed that baby out of her lady parts! man!
but anyways, congrats to jenn and donald! yay for you you're parents now! woooooo :)

quote of the day:

"all babies look like winston churchill." -- some guy in the elevator
LOL

on another note, i'll be 21 in a matter of 18 days [OMG IT IS COMINGGG]
how exciting! weeeeeeeeee

i don't feel like studying my 140+ drugs that i gots to know for my exam on friday.

i really want to go see the rockefeller christmas tree in new york as well as the 5th ave store windows .. i hope that maybe i can see them this weekend since jenn already gave birth .. nyahaha

i want the tall guy for christmas. :) charles, i love you <3

props to my best for being the best :)

if you ask me i'll deny

2007-11-07T23:46:00.000-05:00

so easily i can snap. i feel like it still hurts even though i thought i was over it already. but i don't even know what my problem is .. i thought that venting would help, i thought telling some of my friends would help, but it still doesn't. it still eats me up inside. i'm so distracted, i can't focus on pharmacology, i feel like i've given up on studying. i don't know what it is. in my head, i know it's unreasonable -- i know that i'm being unreasonable. but my heart still hurts. it still aches. and it's not because of charles, because when i think of him i smile and all i can recall are the warm memories of him. he gets severely irritated because sometimes i tend to snap at him, the poor guy, unknowing of what he did, or what's bothering me.

and lucky for him, it's not him. [joke]

i don't know why it continues to bother me. mary and i had our bonding time today, and sometimes it takes mary to talk me out of being unreasonable.. she said, "it's not their fault. you can't be mad at them. be mad at the fact .." and she's right. very right. i would say completely right, but like i said, part of me refuses to accept it. i'm trying to force all of me to accept it, so that maybe i could finally move on with my life and study for my damn exam. but it won't go away .. but then again maybe i'm rushing things and i'm not giving things enough time or i'm not giving myself enough time to let it go. this isn't the first time i've felt this way about things, and before it was easier to let it go. i don't know what's making it harder this time around to let it go, maybe it's a combination of stress and frustration. it gets frustrating and tiring to deal with the every day sometimes. mary said that it'll all pay off one day .. that failure ends up in success because i'm ang and ang doesn't fail. i was happy to drive on the turnpike today.

though sometimes being in such an organized program does have its shining moments, especially when you know that you're not alone. it's always hard to realize that your path takes you on a different route that you first intended. i know that haterade is not good for my system. it's just so easy to be focused on one point of view .. to consistently be on the inside looking out, feeling like no one could understand the pain, the torture, the frustration, the everything. i always have the desire to get away, and i think it was more about being able to get away than to actually get away. i wanted to prove -- prove that i had something worth anything. i keep holding on to the fact that whatever it is i have is worth something .. and it probably is worth more than i'm crediting it.

people say that the value of one's life is measured more by the friends and the family that one has -- that those relationships, those lessons learned are more valuable than anything materialistic, hedonistic, in the world. that maybe one person in your life could be worth more than everything you could wish you had. sometimes it just takes that one person to realize that everything in life isn't a complete loss. that, that i'm not at a complete loss.

best friend says that one day, our day in the sun will come. that we'll come out on top. i hope so. i guess i should study my pharmacology so i'll be set to come out on top --

lean back

2007-11-04T21:34:00.000-05:00

there was something calling me to record my thoughts tonight .. i don't even know what it is. so maybe my stream of consciousness will rapidly record in 15 minutes because you know, drug delivery is not going to study itself.

it's finally cold in new jersey and the weather finally feels like november even though in my mind i still think it's the beginning of the school year. this semester is the fastest one yet, i feel like every day just fades into thin air, and my birthday is coming a lot faster than expected. i feel a little lost, a little lonely, all around confused sometimes. it's kind of funny that after 20 everything seems to start going at hyperspeed. it's not even like i'm trying to live this fast, lol.

no doubt i'm pretty excited to celebrate my 21st. .. it's actually considered golden because my birthday also happens to fall on the 21st .. so of course, we have to go out with a bang. i feel like i'm planning a sweet 16 again just 5 years later minus the cotillion and fancy party hall and DJ lady with the lizard on her back. i miss my cousin alvin [he was my sweet 16 escort], he was such a fob 5 years ago and he's come a long way. still quite the ladies' man, but surprisingly monogamous for the past times i've spoken to him. good for you, cuz! :)

around this time i remember making funny favors with bows on the back. and i got a lot of weird stuff for my 16th birthday .. especially a lot of jewelry. not to be completely materialistic, but i realized that the 21st birthday is a pretty sucky birthday for presents. i have a feeling that 90% of the presents that i'm going to get are going to be alcoholic drinks. that sucks! i don't even think i can drink that much -- [and i know i can't take it home and freeze it and make demented ice pops] -- well, another reason why i had to spoil myself with the heart pendant. cuz i know no one is going to be giving me anything as near as nice as what i got myself. [i know, i know, your presence at my secret party is priceless .. i know. =P] i feel like i should have given my friends something better for their 21st birthdays now that i think about it .. well, actually i did because i gave one of my friends a scrapbook and one a martini glass. and for charles' 21st birthday i gave him chocolate chip cookies and a happy birthday bear. i am particularly quite fond of that happy birthday bear with the cake on the top of his head.

well i've successfully wasted a good hour writing in here when i should have read drug delivery.

but that's okay, i'll read it again before i sleep. and then again before the exam tomorrow.

yay

how to save a life

2007-10-26T23:58:00.000-04:00

so i got to thinking-- procrastinating, actually-- about something that's been in the back of my mind ever since orgo bit me in the ass and people at panera asked me if i was in medical school.

sam and i had a conversation about switching majors one day and possibly dropping out of pharmacy school to go to medical school. i thought about it, sam was thinking about it .. but then we both stuck it out, and now here we are, P2's [4th years] in the midst of studying therapeutics for our cardio exam on monday. i still think about it, about why i didn't go to medical school instead .. as i watch my pre-med friends apply for further education. i know that if i really, really, REALLY wanted to go to medical school, i would have. i would have applied to the accelerated program and gotten in [well, i would think i would. lol] but i decided against it, because i didn't know what i wanted in life, and i blindly fell into pharmacy. [and in the back of my mind i swore to myself that i wouldn't work retail .. but it's looking like a pretty good opportunity for some how]

my mom's a doctor, and she was the one who told me not to go to medical school. she said that i couldn't handle it [i know how encouraging] and that pharmacy is better for me. yes, she thought that. and she's a doctor. you would have thought she would be all for me going for medical school. sometimes she gives me slack that i'm just a pharmacy student and not a doctor, and it's kind of a double edged sword, since she was the one who told me to go into this field in the first place. because, you know, i don't diagnose. i just give out fucking medication. so it's like, what is this all for? if people are not going to give me slack for learning this shit, why should i? why should i give a crap about therapeutics when the doctor over there thinks he/she is the know-it-all .. do they really need me? they can get their own medication then! DAMMIT .. i want pharmacy to make a difference. and i'm not talking about the politicking. i'm talking about, when you're taking your medication, and you feel funny, call the pharmacist. because GOD knows that we'll know a lot more about what you're taking than anyone else. especially if you're on a new med. i mean, people are on 1203981209318 meds these days. and yeah, i have to know everything about those 1231023801298 meds. i know the doctor would know what is wrong with you, because they know symptoms and stuff like that, but still. trust me. trust the pharmacist.

i thought the dean was being a nutty guy, but he was right. i really wish that pharmacists had the respect that they deserve. even nurses deserve more slack than people give them -- after all, they have to learn what we have to learn and the physicians still think that they're better than us. after all, who checks on you in the hospital when you're sick? who do you call? [no, not ghostbusters] you call the nurse. so to all the nurses, props to you too! and props to the DO's; i think they don't get the respect that they deserve, especially since they are almost the same as western med MDs.

you know, they don't make nurses and pharmacists go on rotations/clinicals for nothing.

now to all the pre-meds and med students out there, don't think this is a personal attack on you all. to doctors, you are all very special people and you save lives and all that good stuff. but remember, you can't do everything. you don't know everything. remember that there are more people to the healthcare team than just you.

can't help but wait

2007-10-17T15:24:00.000-04:00

so this is how part of my day goes like .. drug info is kind of boring and i have internet connection. and, well, i haven't updated in a while. sorry guys

i spend all my time in this godforsaken room .. LOL

when she falls asleep i draw pictures on her notes.

we're really not that excited, haha.

i can't wait to go home .. damn.

<3 to the bestfriend, the end

like water for chocolate

2007-09-23T14:20:00.000-04:00

hello ladies and gentlemen! well this past week was free transit week fo njtransit .. so you know what that means! adventures in new york city in picture form!

first off, homie and i have the luck of the gods because we made it to the train station just in time to make the 5:43 train! it was pretty awesome because if we missed it we would have to wait another hour for the next train. and then they didn't even check our coupons so it was like we went on the train for free free, if you know what i mean. lol

then i went on a chocolate adventure with my one and only homie to chocolate by the bald man near union square. i must say, that place is like a small chocolate heaven. oh yes. homie and i were very excited to go and indulge in all of our chocolate fantasies.

and then before we got our orders we got free chocolates courtesy of ABC and their new show, big shots. i must say, savoring each little bite made it soooo worth it. ahhhhh delicious!

and then i got to indulge in waffle-y goodness .. ahhh a banana split waffle with chocolate sauce and strawberries and ice cream! MMMMMMM .. ahhhhh .. it was so good, i couldn't even finish it because i got a stomach ache at the very end. hahaha

homie's order also looked suuuuuper delicious too .. waffles with strawberries on top! oooo baby!

and then afterwards, i saved 2 of the chocolates and took them home since i couldn't have any more decadence. lol.

then homie and i ventured to DSW shoes which was like shoe heaven! i saw these awesome guess boots that made me look like sex .. sadly they cost $100! :( so sadness. oh well ..

afterwards we met up with gillian and andy the flying ace and ended up getting into the view rooftop lounge! it looked sooo "posh" [as homie likes to call it =)] and i didn't get carded! WHOA! but it was cool because i only ordered a sprite that was incredibly overpriced. of course, the "view" was worth it .. especially seeing it rotate! i want to go back there again and also to the other lounges in the marriott marquis. what a nice hotel! all thanks to bradley for being our server guy.

photo courtesy of homie's facebook LOL

finally, when we left the view, homie and i BEASTED walking back to penn station .. i got to order a hotdog from a vendor which was sooo awesome [dirty i know, but i always wanted to eat a hot dog from a cart!] and we made it just in time to catch the last call for boarding of the 11:15 pm train. BEAST! i know :)

and then, to top off our day, we came home and homie had some banana cake before she went home. what a wonderful and fortuituous day!

i can't wait for free transit week again next semester. more adventures!

anywhos, time for studying and 1-propanamine, 3-(2-choloro-9H-thoxanthen-9-ylidene)N,N-dimethyl. beat that, beeeech!

♥ to the best-est friend i could ever have! i loves ya jackie!

bebot bebot

2007-09-13T14:29:00.000-04:00

wow, so sitting here in the computer lab i totally lost my train of thought. i was about to start typing my entire, "honors thesis" type "what it means to be a filipina american" blog for you, but people started coming in and blah blah blah. but on the flip side [haha like that pun?] i think the lab has calmed down, i don't have to take stats for about 20 minutes, and i can finally get my thoughts straight. thanks to the magic of the internet, i could also save this and continue later. ah, the beauty of technology.

but anyways, so i feel like this kind of blog has been a long time coming; probably as far back as i've been in high school, i've always wanted to speak about this subject. it's near and dear to my heart, and i haven't really found anything that really delves into the heart of the matter. i mean, there have been superficial accounts about it, such as, "filipinos in new jersey" or something generic about it, talking about how we like to eat lumpia and pray in church and dance in lines. but do people, especially filipino americans themselves, really see past the surface? not many people like to acknowledge or talk about the inner workings of the filipino american network. actually, most high school aged and college aged filipino americans deny of any type of heirarchy actually existing, or faithfully look down upon being part of such an organization (e.g. "i hate how filipinos are so cliquey"; "she's part of them"; "that's his crew" "i'm not like that, i'm not cliquey"), but somehow, you can't escape associating with people who are of the same culture. unbeknownst to people who turn their noses at people who associate with their own race, this phenomenon is common among people of every type of race. white people usually compose their circle of friends with mostly white people, black people usually join groups of other black people, spanish people have their own group, and each asian race usually associates with themselves so as to be able to converse in their native language like FOBs. (sorry about that last one, i was just annoyed from class yesterday morning. lol.)

however, despite the fact that filipinos obiviously elicit some kind of comfort associating with other filipinos, there are a select few who get uncomfortable in the presence of a mass of filipinos. but why, you may ask. sometimes the ones who get the most uncomfortable around these masses are also the ones who complain about the exclusivity of the filipino group. this of course, seems logical, as the one who is not part of the group feels uncomfortable being excluded. this is a normal situation with anyone who feels left out of any type of group.

but at the same time, some that complain about the exclusivity are part of a group that exemplifies the characteristics of the exclusive filipino group. of course, this is a paradox that not many understand. this is one of the things that has been mystifying me since the end of my eighth grade.

now to give you a little background on myself, [for those of you who know me and who read my blog on daily basis, you don't really need to hear this haha] i've always lived in edison, nj for my whole life. i've basically been surrounded by my family since about 80-90% of my mother's side lives in new jersey. i never really had a reason to be part of the "group" because my family was my filipino group. well, i also was pretty sheltered growing up, so i didn't go out much either. i guess you could say, in the back of my mind, i had the insecurity of feeling left out. even to this day i still carry that kind of feeling, and i'm 20 years old and in my 4th year of college.

but when i got to college, there were others who felt insecure, who wanted to make new filipino friends without the intimidation of the larger mass. i could empathize with them. one of the common statements i often hear is "i always feel like i'm being judged when i'm surrounded by filipinos." i mean, do you ever notice that? as a filipino in this day and age in the american society, do you often feel judged? some people would rather not admit it because no one likes to point the finger at one of their own. sometimes, when in the presence of the larger mass, it often feels like a competition -- who knows the most people, who has the best outfit, who has the coolest shoes. and somehow, it gets to me, that i should have to prove myself to someone, when i am just sitting down in the crowd. but does it really matter? does how well you dance, or how well you play the guitar, or how new your outfit is.. does it really matter? after all, why should it be an issue; people often say that it is more important to be yourself. so why does it often feel like i have to blend in? maybe this could be just some sociological idea that comes from being part of a group.

going back to the idea of the clique, my filipino friends and i often comment about the exclusivity of filipino clique while at the same time forming our own small clique of 5 filipinos. though sometimes i feel like it's not exclusively filipino, 2 of the guys that we tend to associate with on a daily basis are indian and chinese. to add to that, there are dozens of cliques in the pharmacy program already -- the koreans, the indians, the other indians, the other other indians [lol], the people in the sorority, the transfer students, the people in the fraternity, the white people, and some other cliques that i can't name from the top of my head. so although we are a small microcosm of the bigger filipino society, i've come to the conclusion that it's not as big of an issue as one that i'm trying to tackle with this immense post of mine.

now i'm not sure if this point is entirely relevant to what i was trying to get at, but my friend ana pointed out to me that although this entire filipino society prides itself on being filipino at times, it tends to ignore things that usually are important when realizing one's heritage. in the words of ana, "they all claim, 'filipino pride' 'filipino pride' and all that bs, but they can't even get one question about the philippines right? thats bs right there." but i guess that also runs along the lines of some united states citizens -- when i watch "jaywalking" on jay leno, most of the people he asks don't know the answers to common facts about the united states. of course, i credit that to a lack of being well-informed, as well as a lack of remembering things. but being as we're from america, it's quite sad. but ana also pointed out the lack of drive that people had to try and push for our filipino studies program here at rutgers. "they claim they're proud, but they won't even push for our filipino class." and on that note, of course, it makes one seem like a hypocrite, being proud to be filipino but refusing to learn about oneself.

it's like that old filipino proverb, "Ang hindî marunong lumingón sa pinanggalingan ay hindî makararatíng sa paroroonan."

He who does not look back from where he came will never reach his destination.

so i guess, in closing, "what does this all mean, ang?"

what i'm trying to get at with all these things that i've said, is that we as filipinos here on the east coast should try to make more of an effort as a community to organize and get things done. we should stop judging each other and trying to outdo each other and just be thankful for all of the talent. i think that less emphasis should be put on the performing and more on the intellectual. there are a lot of smart filipinos out there. it would be nice for us to unite and give a voice to who we are, to let the rest of the united states know that there is more to our culture than the singing and the dancing and the pretty clothes. because in the end, those things don't really do much for you. in the end, it tends to just be about you, yourself. as big and as massive as the young adult filipino mass society is, it's also transient. once the real world comes it won't be about how many people you knew in college or high school anymore. there is a rich history to the philippines, to the people that came here trying to find a better life.

the end.

and <3 goes to my bestfriend, the el salvadorenian queen herself. :)

i'm like a bird

2007-09-06T23:42:00.000-04:00

so i had a pretty long day today .. cardio class at hill, and then ARC was beast while i was working, there was like 10293810298301 people coming into the lab continuously for 4 hours until i left late at 4:15 because my relief didn't show up, and then i had to drive to the ville to charles house so we could go together to his bball game at st. ambrose against the bridge [:shakes fist: :mutters under breath:] i didn't get much studying done because of all the going around and moving around, but you know, i have to show my support for the tall guy as he battles the other dudes on the court. funny .. i never scream out his name during the game, sometimes i forget he's actually playing .. probably because sometimes his agression and forwardness kind of embarrasses me .. did i mention that when i first met charles way way way back -- i'm talking about, i was still going out with johan, that's how far back i have a distinct memory of encountering charles -- that i thought he was one cocky son-of-a-beach, and even when i met him at nicole's i was like, "wtf is this guy's problem .. [but damn, he's cute LOL .. hah ;)]" and sometimes he still comes off like that; but i forgive him, because underneath that whole semi-macho i-wanna-be-manly exterior is a big huggable cuddle bear .. well, until he tries to pull sexy time on me. then he's cuddling for sexy time! grrr .. after trying my best to divert the sexy time feelings with a blue piece of string, i realize that i wanted some sexy time. but alas, i could not, and charles wasn't in the mood anymore because he wanted to exert some "control." riiiiiiiiiiight ..

but anyways, as you can tell, i've just been going at things like a mile a minute .. when i was walking to my cardio ther class from eohsi [i had to get some research stuffs to work on] i had like 10 mins to get there, and i was like scrambling to get to class, walking like a beast! i felt like i was walking a marathon. and after work, i hadn't eaten any lunch because the comp lab was so busy, so i was basically going on almost pure adrenaline driving to charles house. yes, i know, i tend to be beasting like that sometimes. i'm not as shocked about things this time around about school .. though my classmates are already freaking me out, with the "did you start studying yet angelica" "did you get your books yet angelica" "did you start reading yet angelica"

heller! it's just the first week of school! but i understand, we don't have time to bullshit around anymore and we can't just cram shit in our heads like we used to .. we can't fall behind. but as much as i'd like to act like i'm totally stressed, i need to take a chill pill! damn! when i started school, i could already feel like rutgers had a different vibe to it this year .. maybe because i'm 4th year now .. but it feels like things are going off to a really slow start, because everything [like clubs and stuff] is starting during the 2nd week of school instead of the first. heck, i didn't even hear anything about RAPS. but maybe i really am getting old, i'm almost ready for the real world, but at the same time, i heard it's really boring! probably because there's no more social drinking with your college buddies. oh well .. i can't wait to travel after i graduate ^_^

she's freaky, but i like it

2007-09-02T23:02:00.000-04:00

and so, my summer is coming to a close .. with the approach of labor day comes the unofficial end of the sunshine season. me and the units hit up the hotspot of new jersey -- Atlantic City! -- lol, but it was still a good time since they have that snazzy mall that borders on short hills meets menlo on the beach. sometimes it's good to end up at a mall, especially when you have "emergency" purchases to make. at least i got to exit middlesex county for a day .. it was just too crowded and full of cheesy people down at the boardwalk. sigh.

yesterday charles and i attended a wedding .. my mom kept thinking i was being a "wedding crasher" because she didn't know if i was "on the invitation" .. but i was, [yes, that's me, "and Guest"] and it was really nice to go to a wedding of someone you're not related to .. after so many filipino weddings that take 1.5-2 hours, it was refreshing to be at a ceremony that was only an hour, including communion! i kept glancing at charles every so often, and then he said,

"hey, don't start thinking about weddings, okay."
"what?"
"i see that look in your eye. i know that thought crossed your mind!"

HEY, you can't blame me -- after all, we are at a wedding, and it doesn't help that you look handsome in a suit.. sigh .. ;)

i mean, it's not the first time charles and i have mentioned getting married -- albeit to perhaps, it might be different people, haha -- and i know i shouldn't get ahead of myself.. after all, i'm only 20, i still have to finish school, and enjoy, as my mom puts it, and et cetera, blah blah blah ..
but sometimes, it feels nice to know that you have someone, right there, that you're the date-- the girlfriend -- to the wedding. it feels nice to hold someone's hand and have someone to slow dance with to the oldie songs.

school starts on tuesday and i'm not sure if i'm mentally ready for it .. i'm not in summer mindset either since i spent the whole summer working with no real vacations. i hope it's a good year this year .. the schedule doesn't seem to be so bad, unlike 5th year, which looks like it totally sucks. damn ..

anyways, i'm going to sleep. good night ..

once again, enjoy the musical stylings of justice, please

<3 to:
the homie; well, if not vegas, hopefully, we can party it up jersey girl style in AC. hehe. vacation next year? yessss
bestfriend, the jackie; ahahaha, no, charles doesn't need cialis. LOL! and do take that mini trip to NJ for the celebration of my birth, the borgata is pretty nowadays. =) we are due for another ang+jackie adventure!

she will be loved just like a pill

2007-08-14T20:19:00.000-04:00

you know, despite the horror stories, my 2 days rotating at cvs haven't been so bad. i guess i have to give some of the credit to the people that already work there .. they don't get irritated when i don't know where things are .. which is good, being as that i've never worked at the pharmacy store .. though i wish i would have paid more attention in pharm care, because i don't know brand from generic .. and it hurts pretty bad when the drugs are organized by brand/generic .. oh dean colaizzi, you were doing it for a reason .. i just hope my preceptor gives me a good grade because i can't really handle a C in IPE .. damn .. but apparently, it should be relatively painless to get an A .. as long as i don't try to steal some percoset or oxycodone or something. or xanax. or cialis ..

i feel like i really am learning something by rotating .. the RPH in charge [who's actually not my preceptor .. she doesn't come in until tomorrow] is really nice and takes time to explain things to me about interesting drugs and stuff .. and it felt nice to feel like my studies weren't in vain. it feels good to have a renewed sense of purpose for being in pharmacy school and getting that degree. i still don't know if i really want to go into retail as my job for the rest of my life, but doing it on the side for a little while doesn't seem like a bad idea.

i didn't realize how much i missed my friends from pharmacy school until now, when i'm about to go back to school. i can't wait to see them, and have our before-class/after-class chill sessions sitting in the lecture halls, trying to process everything around us. though this year i think i'm going to try hard to do more instead of only focusing on my studies .. i know that sounds counterintuitive, but i feel like i missed out on a lot when i was trying to get my footing and head in the pharmacy game. i think i'm going to try and play intramural volleyball or something .. or at least attempt to dance in battle for the almost-last time [almost-last because technically i'd be a senior, and this is gillian's last year.] and do other things before i become a "grad school" pharmacy person thing.

i guess what also makes things a little easier is that i am looking forward to going on vacation over winter break .. i'm waiting on booking things just in case pharmacy school decides to surprise me and do something over break .. *crosses fingers* also .. it's so that i have enough money to actually buy the ticket and all .. haha. i really really want to go on a vacation at least one time while i'm in college so i can experience the whole "i went on vacation when i was young in school" type thing .. i was aiming for spring break but unfortunately i don't have the same break as all my friends. but then again, i might go again for spring break somewhere .. maybe? maybe not? only GOD knows.. it's just hard because alot of my friends are working stiffs now, and it's hard to ever plan anything like a day out [yes, day, because it's easier to call up people to go to the bar than it is to plan a daytrip to the beach .. and yeah, i'm not used to the whole club scene .. i was, but i guess i've become a little jaded and i don't mind waiting until my birthday .. except when charles goes out, sometimes i feel like he makes me feel inferior because i don't go out like he does .. of course, i also make more money than he does, so i guess things even out somehow.] but i guess that's the territory that comes with growing up. gian's birthday is this saturday, and i guess i'm leaning towards going now .. maybe it's a sense of revenge, even though charles would be back already, and i know he's on vacation so he doesn't have to call me, but he did for a week, he should have just not called me .. motherfff .. argh .. but i just have to swallow it like a big pill of acyclovir or something .. but all that .. all that's a whole other entry

in closing, i'd like to leave you with this, courtesy of my homie and justice

peace.

i ain't tryna save that girl

2007-07-29T23:10:00.000-04:00

well time for another mindless yet amusing update! since i don't have much to say, and i want to sleep before 1 [because of work, lol, nyeheh] i'll try and use picture form to speed things up! ready, go!

so i was planning to watch the simpsons movie but i ended up not .. i heard it was just "okay" and i am too broke to try and spend 10 bucks to watch a movie that's an hour and a half and only okay .. however, i finally got that stupid simpsonize me site to work after a week and i must say i think the results are similar, to a point ..

well, i wasn't that tan at the time of the original picture, but i sure am that tan now! haha. anyways, i guess i'll wait to watch it later on .. when it comes out on dvd .. haha .. too bad spider pig.

in other news i finally got that wii .. though now i'm 250+ in the hole and so far only have the wii sports and 1 controller to play with.. by myself. needless to say i did get bored a little too quickly. i'm sure it'll get more fun once i spend the extra money for the extra controller. and another game. too bad i don't have a picture of my mii here to show you all!

school is starting in roughly a month and i must say i was more psyched about the incoming school year than i was coming in to 3rd year. i hope a positive attitude will help me to do better in school .. because well, i need it, and it's do or die time. let's do, shall we?

august is looking to be a pretty packed month full of the "no-money" and the free labor, and other things. i guess keeping busy equates to keeping focused? maybe so, maybe not. i'm sorry to everyone who i planned to hang out with this summer and didn't .. work sure did get the best of me this time. maybe we can squeeze it in still for august .. maybe .. but then again ..

i think that's the end of what i have to say. sorry i didn't use more pictures! oh well, maybe for next time. good night everyone, don't stay up too late. =)

<3 to:

marielle; NYC really does have everything! nah, i'm done with my summer classes .. just been working and stuffs. yeah, the XXI thing in "hoodbridge" [haha] is the new forever 21. they relocated and some shit like that. their stuff doesn't fit me like it used to .. so sad. i hope you have a happy monday too tomorrow!
jackie; one day i hope to go to paris .. the real one! let's! but come to nyc too we have more adventures to take. i am so saving and blowing it off on a wii all at the same time .. haha. and yes, i'm on time for work .. 90% of the time .. hahaha :)

midnight fire

2007-07-18T23:59:00.000-04:00

damn, it's been that long that i haven't updated my blogger? goodness gracious, i can't let that amount of time pass like that .. i failed miserably in writing one entry per week .. so sad!

so charles called me from target and told me he found the silver surfer figurine that i impulsively paid $14 for -- he found it there, at target, for 5 BUCKS!

he offered to buy it for me again, for sentimental reasons, but i said no. awwww .. he's so thoughtful sometimes at the most random moments.

meanwhile, i've successfully wasted my summer working! oh well, at least i got to go to the museum this past weekend. gillian told me to treat going to new york like going to paris .. and it's true, i followed her advice and it made the trip that more enjoyable. i guess you kind of take for granted all that you have in new york city when you live so close to it. it was nice being a tourist .. even though i'm from jersey, new york is definitely my city.

well good night and good luck my friends, time for sleep because of lab tomorrow.

<3 to the girl who is awesomer beyond words; jackie!

i wanna be living for the love of you

2007-06-25T22:14:00.000-04:00

there are days when i contemplate the mysteries of life .. i think about how the sun shines, how it sets so late when it's summer .. how it feels so good to go for an evening drive .. i don't understand a lot of things, i know a lot of people don't either .. and it's usually about the same things, the same things that drive television, and the world, and weblogs, and stories that people write ..
on the way home today i heard the song "for the love for you" by the isley brothers. it was such a beautiful sunset that was happening as i was driving .. it was nice, and peaceful. and i felt like i was 20 years old .. for the first time in a while .. halfway through the year before my 21st birthday. sometimes i surprise myself with the risks i'm willing to take .. sometimes you hear things from people, and you think that, never in your life would you do certain things, but then you do them .. and you turn around and think, wow, was that really me? where was my head at! but then it's like .. that was another experience, another milestone that you've done. another .. well, thing you could check off your list that you could say you did. after all, at least you could say, you tried. you tried to do it! even if it didn't work out the way you thought it would. sometimes it's better, sometimes not. and sometimes, i think, everyone has that side of them that they're suppressing.
so hard, i feel, people try to convince themselves that they've been the same person they've always been. that through everything they've been through, it hasn't fazed them. but as much as i wish i could believe in that, i now know that it's not true. i think that, people can still feel the same way about things -- you can still like the same colors, movies, people, tv, and etc.. but the way the world works, the way other people work, it changes you, even if you're not willing to admit it out front. i know for a fact i'm not the same girl i was 5, 10 years ago. i think if my former self were to talk to my present self, she would be sorely disappointed. but i think not everything has gone to hell, as much as people change, paradoxically, oxymoronically, whatever, there are still parts that remain the same. yes! a cliche! i know! but still. i think part of me refuses to give up on some of the dreams that i've always had. the dream to have a happy marriage, to be finacially stable, have a successful career, and have kids.
life would always be easier if nothing changed, of course. but i think realizing that change is inevitable is a big step. you can say it as much as you want to, out loud, in your head, to try and get the notion straight. but then, when that moment hits you, the moment where you realize that you've really changed again at this point in your life, that is when the real fun begins.

<3 to my best friend jackie, the one and only..

the end.

dahil sa iyo

2007-06-19T21:38:00.000-04:00

happy 100th birthday to my nanay!

so my nanay would have been 100 today. [aka my mom's mom.] wow nanay, you've got about 83 years on me. i miss you! i wish that you were here so that i could show you all my cool tricks on the computer and stuff. so that i could have done mano po to you and you could talk to me in tagalog and i would respond. and so that you could have met charles, because even though he is goofy and doesn't talk tagalog maybe you would like him too. anyway nanay i love you and i miss you, and even though i wasn't as lucky as ate or jenn to meet you and hang out with you, i know that you love me too. and guess what nanay! bob barker finally retired! =)

ooh child you're my destiny

2007-06-06T23:07:00.000-04:00

i don't really have much to say, i'm actually putting off writing this paper of mine for research.

damn, it's just like school! ahhh i'm so tired. mom says it's because i'm not used to the whole, 8-4/9-5 jones. yeah .. no i'm not. but anyways,

i loves you charles. =) [or charlie poo as christine and gillian teasingly refer to him as. hahaha.]

there are a bajillion words i could type and say about how i feel about you, about everything we've been through, describing my feelings and thoughts and ideas and blah blah blah .. but it really all comes down to this. i fricking love you! :)

time to be a big girl now

2007-05-30T19:23:00.000-04:00

so today i went to research [even though my 2 weeks are done and now i'm alone because pooja started working and they're not sure what they are going to do with me yet, i don't even know if i should come in again in the afternoon after computer lab work] and while yokechen the postdoc let me make panels of excel of pictures of tissue cultures .. the phone rings, and since i am the only one in the lab, i answer it, try my best to take a message [i'm nervous here, i've never answered the phone before in a research lab] and whoever was on the other line didn't want to give me a message, and then i got in trouble! dr. gordon comes in, not once, but twice .. first to look for ming-wei [her graduate student who the message was for], but the second time around was to scold me for not properly answering the phone. of course, like the little underling that i am, i sat there, trying my best to take in her constructive criticism, while at the same time feeling wholly inadequate -- after all, i was being scolded about how i answered the phone.. not for, say, blowing something up. or breaking a slide. or setting millions of dollars worth of equipment on fire. [not that i did those things. i didn't. i just, didn't answer the phone right.] i know for a fact that she was just trying to help, just trying to correct me so that next time the phone rings, i will know what to do, nothing will go as wrong as it did, and messages will go to people who need to take them. of course, i could also not answer the phone .. haha.

don't get me wrong, dr. gordon is nice. she is prompt, and organized, and gets her shit done. she is my professor and i have a deep respect for her. but i couldn't help but feel seriously embarrassed, inexperienced, unworthy, stupid. all because i didn't know how to answer the phone. the rest of the time i was in lab all i could think about was how much i wanted to leave and finish my work and get the hell out of there. the phone rang again about an hour after she had her talk with me, and i tried everything in my power not to answer it. is anyone else in the lab? maybe someone else will answer it. i hoped and wished. nope. still just me. alone in the lab. when i finally had the realization that i was alone again i went up to answer it, and surprisingly, the person on the other end had already hung up. well, i thought, if someone asks, i went to the bathroom and no one was there. haha ..

as much as i want to be busy and not bored for my summer, it sucks that i come home and feel tired, as if i was still in school. i long for the weekends again, at least this time, weekends mean i can actually bullshit around and not feel pressured like something's due. though, it's still confusing that i don't know what my schedule is for research. it feels like i could just make my own reasonable hours. [which in my head includes leaving before 4. preferably 330? haha .. that's like 2 hours of work a day. except wednesday where it's like, 7 or something.] i hope that my summer is still enjoyable even though i have so much stuff to do. i guess, it would be the same if i worked fulltime or if i had a fulltime internship .. ahhh, free time, i miss you! when i graduate, i plan to do nothing for a month. or go on vacation for a month. sigh. i hate that catch 22 junk -- the only way i can get money to go out is if i work, and if i work, i don't have time to go out. why, WHY, why ..

on another note, i miss gillian, she is in arizona for 10 weeks doing her own form of research for the greater good. [yes, she really is doing research. in a university. =P] and i miss jackie too, she is in barcelona infusing her mind with all kinds of euro design and stuff stuff. so sadness .. but i am super excited to hang out with my one and only homie on sunday .. we are going to act like we are filipino pride ecstatic and look at all of the gangsta fobs and tabs and, yeah. and buy stuff .. yay stuff .. come too, if you're in the area. it's sunday in nyc .. philippine independence day parade. and blah blah blah.

next tuesday is supposed to be a very special day for me .. but with the way things are going, i don't think anything special is going to happen. it kind of breaks my heart a little .. breaks my heart that it just might become another ordinary day. i have a present i have to give someone and hopefully, i can at least do that much. i worked really hard on this present and the 5 page letter that went with it. well, nothing ever ends up as planned, even my present. haha.

i plan on going down to the seashore and getting all kinds of tan this summer. i wish i could go on a vacation again like i went to las vegas, sadly, no money = no vacation = have to work a lot a lot. oh well, maybe i'll go to AC or something. and see ja rule again .. ahahah

well this is the end of my entry for today. now that it's summer i guess i'll be on track [hopefully] for the 1 entry per week deal. maybe ..

tu amor.

<3 to:
homie; thanks homie! it's summery. =)
bestfriend; of course, you know i'm always up for a good chat. ^_^ haha, yeah, gabe's all, "mature" and junk .. whatever he's still little to me .. nyahaha

my lipgloss is poppin

2007-05-20T13:56:00.001-04:00

i wanted to make sure my blogger was okay so i'm writing a waste post. ahahahaha

on a sad note, my family went back to the philippines. =( it's surprising how quiet our block is now that it's only me and mary and gabe too. awww .. no more random parties at mary's house ..

i really really want to ride in an airplane, especially since i saw my classmate jess chan as she was leaving for hawaii. awww ..

okay i'm done!

just keep breathing

2007-05-17T23:18:00.000-04:00

okay, so this is the entry i promised .. the entry that i was supposed to write yesterday, but today i'm putting my 10 min pilates burn and abs workout on hold [i don't feel as bad since i did walking walking and dancing dancing today .. hah] so that i could finally, finally write something in this blog of mine that i finally had a chance to change the layout for. finally..

so today is/was gabe's prom .. he's having it at the same place i had my senior prom .. except for the fact that today it's called "addison park" instead of garden manor and the other fact that he's able to go to wildwood for more than a whole weekend overnighting for 3 days.. while i couldn't .. i had to come home and then i went to the city the day after. and six flags that saturday after that. in hindsight i'm a little bitter about it .. i feel deprived because i couldn't experience the traditional go-down-to-the-jersey-shore-after-prom that everyone else gets to do. heck, when jackie was still living here, she slept over my house because her brother went down to seaside or something and she couldn't stay home alone. i confronted my mom about this -- first by asking if i could overnight with my friends in wildwood for a weekend over the summer [mind you, i'm 20 years old now and in college] to which she retorted that i would have to come home after visiting the beach. but i'm 20 now, i reply, thinking that it would be enough reason for me to be able to go. i overnighted in new york last year .. to which she spatted back, "but you stayed out until 4 o'clock in the morning in the street. that's what you're going to do? stay out until 4 o'clock in the street!!!! ... you're so eager to get out of the house."

"maybe because i haven't been out of the house." i say under my breath.

mom, i'm not that retarded. sometimes i think she should be counting her blessings that i'm not even worse off, i'm not a crackhead, i'm not an alkie, heck, i think the only thing excessive about me is my spending habit. and maybe my .. erm .. "lustful" tend.. dencies ..? and even those aren't as bad as they could be. sure, i did screw up my chances for future overnightings by blurting out that i went to the club .. but then again .. there's an even bigger backstory that remains to be untold by 12 .. [or was it 13? 14?] people.

conversations like these with my mother further solidify my plan to get the hell out of here when i graduate. maybe even sooner .. maybe when i turn "grad student." she just can't let go of me .. this woman .. she'll keep me under "parole" or on my "leash" for as long as she can.
but at the same time she comes into my room and hands me 10 dollars because i told her i only have $2 in my wallet. sigh.

anywho, i've been doing the damn thing at the labor-a-tory researching .. it's pretty cool getting to act like mad scientist with slides and vents and dozens of bottles of stuff .. i've been testing it out to see if that's what i really want to do with my life .. i imagined myself to be all glamorous looking cool with experiments and stuff .. but in reality it's not as fabulous as i thought .. pooja and i [pooja is my fellow research student .. she's a year ahead of me] walk around doing nothing for minutes on end [even an hour today] waiting for things to "incubate" and etc. but it's cool to see results .. i guess time will only tell what i'll really do with my life.

well i guess this is the end of the entry .. time for sleep or else i won't wake up tomorrow ..

good night peeps

smoke in your eyes

2007-05-15T23:54:00.000-04:00

i know, i'm due for an entry. it's midnight and i have to sleep because i have research tomorrow. promise, better entry soon. tomorrow. really.

quote of the day:

ate mercy: when is your due date?
jenn: december 8
ate mercy: december 8? that's immaculate conception!
jenn: i know and that's how it happened!

haha .. i love you jenn. you're the only one who can talk sense into me sometimes ..

<3 to my bestfriend jackie and my homie christine, with whom i could traverse the globe with [but first we have to learn our way around the state of new jersey. haha]

even if i did i don't know if i would quit but i doubt it

2007-04-27T23:22:00.000-04:00

so i have been procrastinating yet again to finish up this pharmaecon paper that's due monday now, since dr. suh is so funny he gave us an extension for no good reason .. he's always such a happy guy. even when we're all not there. what a happy guy ..

it finally stopped raining again today and there's flooding again in the raritan river .. i think all this liquid precipitation is really going to my head, not to mention all of these stupid tests i have to take .. sigh sigh sigh

this time last week i was partying it up with my classmates; some of them really don't know how to hold down the liquor, lol, but it's okay, because i had a good time with my peeps. yay for halfway done party, and celebratory t-shirt that comes with it

today abbygail was across the street and we were playing again .. sometimes it's like my family takes away a significant amount of my time that would otherwise be wasted [though i would like to think i could use it to study, haha, who am i kidding]

this was last sunday when my mom gave her the "board" with some lady on it .. surprisingly she really liked it

when we were playing she took off glasses and posed with them for the camera .. yup, we're training the camera lovers early, lol, jk

and then she told me to pose and pretend i was snoring .. haha "ninang angie ninang angie" "... no you have to snore loud"

she's adorable. kuya dodong said she mana after her ninang .. lol .. hah

she kept laughing when she saw this picture in my phone .. because it's of me and my boyfriend .. haha

well i guess i'm gonna call it a night .. even though i basically slept all day and didn't do anything. maybe i'll just do the last couple of questions of this damn paper and then that's it .. bleh. what a bleh day .. eventually remind me to change up the layout here. yeah, i gotta add that to my to do list ..

<3 to my bestfriend jackie; the end.

good night and good luck

relax your mind let your conscience be free

2007-04-16T07:52:00.000-04:00

since i am extra happy about having no school, i would like to write a short entry in multimedia form [aka pictures and musics teehee]

so today was like the first time ever that they canceled school! how exciting! you know it's something serious when frickin RUTGERS cancels school. i mean come on, it's a frickin state of emergency here!! i guess we won't be performing in the pharmacy gong/talent show tonight .. man, i risked my life for kind of nothing last night! meh .. oh well, at least i learned the dance. heh

in other happier news, charles's team won the championship in his league! yay i am so proud of him. i'm his #1 fan!! [next to his mom and dad of course. teehee]

friday is my halfway done formal, yay for us! i was stressing out last night because i have so much shit to do .. i guess i could get around to starting that paper of mine. and studying for pharmachem. yup yups ..

well i guess today will be a stay in day. yee!

i shall go enjoy choco bunnies and SLEEP. :)

© to my best friend in the whole universe jackie for consistently being an inspiration and a driving force in my life! as well as being my resident fashion forward resource ^_^ [and also for leaving me a comment heeh] totes! funzies! :) :)

and i'm telling you // daybreak

2007-04-11T12:58:00.000-04:00

so let me tell you about my day so far. actually, it's not even 1 o clock, so techinically there's still more of day left to worry about. but! anyways, so let me tell you what just happened to me 1 hour ago.

so like usual, i was in a rush to get to my pathophysiology class, it was almost 11 am, and i was trying my best to shove some adobo down my throat and into my belly so i wouldn't be hungry when i would be vigorously typing away anything and everything that would be said in lecture that noontime. i hopped into my car, sped away [though, luckily, there was no traffic on the way to school] and ran after the bus like usual. i got to class, with enough time to spare to be able to go to the computer lab and import today's lecture notes onto my laptop so i wouldn't have as hard a time typing away. it was 11:45, and class was about to start. 11:55, and dr. reuhl was about to start. class wasn't as filled as usual, there were a good amount of seats still open, maybe like 50 of us weren't in class yet. even viv and carissa weren't in class yet -- but then again, i wasn't even sure if they were coming today. as noon rolls around, dr. reuhl makes us take out a piece of paper, write our names and id numbers down -- yep, he's taking attendance. so we pass our papers to the front, and then it continues, little by little, more of my classmates were handing in papers. then dr. reuhl started saying some stuff about how attendance wasn't mandatory but if people started arguing over a couple of points, this would probably be the deciding factor between an A and a B+. [because we all know how pharmacy students like to fight over points. lol]
but then .. dr. reuhl continues to rant on, about how there was a hole in the material, and how he gets cranky at the end of the semester when people start falling off about not coming to class, and then the unexpected happened. dr. reuhl completely flipped the biggest shit i ever seen in my entire pharmacy school career [so far.] .. he yelled, "ENOUGH!" and said he didn't want to lecture anymore and he packed up his laptop and bounced. just like that. he said that the exam would be on our lecture material that we went over last monday and whatever was left .. i think i'm supposed to learn it on my own because it's going to be on my exam too. i'm supposed to read it on my own but ha! i didn't even buy the fricking pathophysiology book! wow, that's frickin great. he said something too like even if we don't learn it now we're going to learn it next year. yeah, okay .. so all of us, sitting in the class, frickin stunned and feeling like, WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!?! it took us a good 5 minutes to collect our thoughts and process what just happened. now me i felt like i completely wasted my time coming in here, wasted the gas that i just used to get here, and now i have a day off. wow, i feel like this frickin school is going to lose its accreditation with the rate that it's going at. and if it does, i swear i am transferring out of here and i'm not going to be a pharmacist anymore. i mean, come on. f that. how will i get a job when my degree isn't even valid? sam said that the deans are going to yell at us about what has been happening. but it's like, what are you going to do? what are you flipping a shit like that? i mean it's not our class's fault if we are a little late. i could have frickin missed the bus by like 2 mins and was late 2 mins to class. people were saying like maybe he was having a really bad day that's why dr. reuhl acted like that. damn, if he wanted to take attendance he should have done it in the middle or at the end. but he didn't even give us a chance to stop. he flipped out while we were still handing it in. ugh!!! i am just mad that he made me waste my time today. i mean, it sucks already that i have to teach myself all this shit about the adrenal gland and the endocrine system and blah blah blah. but so as to not feel like this was a complete waste of my time, i decided to write this entry. and complain about how majorly f'ed up this school of mine is. i mean, i come to class every day. i can count on my hands how many times i've skipped class in the 3 years i've been here. and it's not a lot. you can't say that i haven't tried my best to maintain my sanity and be a good student. no, you can't see that. because you have all got your heads so far up your frickin butts. UGH UGH i hate this frickin shit man .. as if my life was not already complicated. ..

the writing's on the wall

2007-04-01T18:55:00.000-04:00

so much for my happy ending

2007-03-22T23:17:00.000-04:00

there goes my entire post. all the shit that i just spent half and hour typing! @#$% ..

but i guess i'm over it .. maybe GOD was telling me that i shouldn't say it out loud online.

it happened for a reason.

♥ to --
bestfriend jackie; for believing in me especially when i don't believe in myself
amanda; because sleep really does feel like i'm running away from my problems
star; because pharmacy is hard

fighting temptations

2007-02-28T20:57:00.000-05:00

so as 90% of my 1st round exams are coming to a close, things aren't really looking up .. well, i mean, i've only gotten like 3 grades, and they're not very promising, which is really dissappointing because i thought i was doing something right and i would do better than i did. apparently i was wrong, and it's really frustrating because i don't know what to do anymore, i don't want to stress out about this, i don't want to have to pull all-nighters like my friends do, i want to be confident in what i study but i always feel like i have dyslexia when i read even though i feel like things are okay in class. again, again i feel like this .. i guess, i should talk to the TA now so i don't fall into a trap since i was close to the critical grade. i don't even know what to talk about to him. and i'm scared i bombed my other 2 exams that i took because the exam i didn't do well in i studied really really hard for and i took the other 2 exams kind of for granted a little bit? GOD, i hate monday exams, i hate 3 hr exams on thursday nights [which are basically like finals but it's just a midterm!!] and i just hate this feeling of inadequacy. i thought that you know, since it's lent, i would try and be a better person, but it's like, i've been trying and i'm going nowhere. i want to redeem myself, but i'm so tired. my head hurts. sometimes i think maybe if i sleep it'll go away. everything will just go away and everything will just be better like it was before. i kind of miss how things used to be in high school .. i did so well in high school, but when i got to college it was so hard to adapt. i mean i know that's the point, because when the real world comes it's going to be even harder to adapt to a new lifestyle and all. things always feel like they're out of my control and i am frustrated! :( :( :( :( why why .. "that's all you have to do -- pokus pokus pokoos .." says my mom .. i guess i'm just lacking that maybe? am i lacking focus? but i feel like it's been this way for the past 2 years now. lol. i read my past entries because i thought, i couldn't have been feeling like this last sophomore year, and apparently i was, apparently i thought what i was studying was the hardest stuff in the world. and then i came to 3rd year and i was surprised yet again, yet again everything is hard. then again i can't even focus when i'm watching tv. i know, now that's just retarded. i mean, i go to class. everyday. i never miss a class. i take notes. i pay attention. i study. what am i doing wrong? why can't i get the A+'s that i used to get? why can't i be in the running for top 10% like i used to be? my mom says that patho is just hard. she thought it was way way way hard and that college is just really hard because you're on your own not like in highschool where they spoonfeed you everything. i guess that's true .. sigh .. anywho, so i saw a mouse during one of my lectures at arc 103 [aka my home]. i hope it's okay and it didn't scare anyone else .. it looked just like that mouse up there which is why i put the picture. haha. and since lent has started, i've been trying to fight all kinds of temptations [hence the title] and i guess i've been doing okay with that too. sometimes i lose my mind and i don't know what the hell i was thinking, but i think it's time to get back into the jones of things, to be a little naive about things, to be a little more careful and more responsible. i'm trying not to spend unecessary money because i ..

a) need to make back the money i spent during christmas
b) want to save up for a new laptop (sony vaio sz series to be exact ^_^)
c) need to reduce the amount of bills i have to pay
d) would like to have money for later on. like for going on lakwatsa and etc .. going to nyc again ..
lol.

so far i've been good, i want to really buy sneakers but i didn't .. i thought that maybe the money would go to better use buying "professional" clothes or really nice high heels [i've recently acquired a fascination for 4 inch heels] or something else that would come in handy down the road. i got really nice 4 inch heels to go with my dress that i'm going to wear to the "halfway done" pharmacy formal .. i'm excited that yes! i get to go .. it's a rite of passage and i am in the mood to dress up and party. it's just ironic that it's at victorian manor, yeah, where everything else always is, but whatevs .. there are other temptations that i'm trying to fight also [which i would like to keep to myself .. haha] and it's getting increasingly more difficult to hold back. it's hard to hold back when it strikes something deep inside you that you've been keeping in since you started to realize that you've been growing up .. when you realize that people really do the things that you never thought were possible. when you start getting close to doing something you thought was out of your personality. but never fear, i think i've got my self-control, and it's good to know that someone else does as well. it's such a comforting notion, and i just realized this week how important and meaningful it was to me. that's how i know that we're on the same wavelength. that's how i know this feels right. it's gradual, it's not pressured. it's like running as far as you can into the ocean when you're swimming before you know you've reached dangerous territory and you need to swim back before you drown. and i hope maybe with this renewed focus and sensibility i'll be able to be better. be a better person. um, be a better student. with those GODFORSAKEN POWERPOINT SLIDES .. $%#@ .. the pharmacy program is cruel .. people have been beaten and wrung out .. i'm over it .. no i'm not. lol.

well i guess this is the end of this one for today .. finally mom says, "you have your shoes, you have your dress for the party already. now that you're relaxed, you can focus on something else." haha .. yeah .. i might as well read or some shit. yeah. or no ..

ps:: this is why my boyfriend is the best.

charles(10:17:39 PM): ...filling in bubbles is fun
angelica(10:17:54 PM): hahahahaha awwww
charles(10:17:54 PM): ...thats y they call it a monkey test
angelica (10:18:00 PM): LOL
charles(10:18:08 PM): cause even it can pass
angelica(10:18:28 PM): LOL .. i know .. and that's what i think in my head when i have no idea what the answer is

k bye.

special ♥ to mary cuz it's her 19th birthday! yay for you mary. =)

<3 to:
the homie; ahhhh robin thicke robin thicke robin thicke! :siiiggghhh: lol! yess my outing was fun ^_^ and we are going to party this weekend! yay! because i miss you a lot lot too homieeee! and sometimes fortune cookies can be wise. lol.
best friend jackie; oh yes we heart each other. hehe. yay. i heart you toooo!
star; aw thanks you're awesome too! lol, yeah sometimes i look back on it and i forget how much things have changed .. but i guess it's for the better =)

all night long to the sky

2007-02-17T22:32:00.000-05:00

so i was looking for robin thicke's album on aol [since you can listen to the whole thing for free] and i looked him up on wikipedia to find out the track listing ..

"He appears in the music video of this single with his wife, actress Paula Patton, who is totally bangin."

that's hilarious. they just had to add the "bangin" part .. lol ..

anyways, so between being online and trying to study for drug delivery [which is on monday] and trying to battle the menstruation cycle [jk i love my period! weeee! lol] i decided to write in here, wrapping up what's been on my mind, what's been happening, etc ..
so i finally gave the Theo Aspct Pharm presentation that i had to give with farah and raj, i don't know if far-out professor dr. ji really liked us or not, but he spent the rest of the period trying to explain the theory he just came up with after talking with us 3 times over the past 2 weeks .. damn, if we went any later, who knows what else he'd be telling us to say. man! as raj says, he gets paid to spend his days daydreaming about whatever in his little office filled with papers and books. sometimes when i'm sitting in class i feel like.. he's like a person you know who really wans to tell you something, and since you're there, he tells you it .. like a story you want to tell anyone who'll listen and care about your insanity, and since we're the people in his class, that's what we're there for. to listen to his crazy stories. i wonder how far we're actually going to get when it comes to the midterm exam .. that's gonna be fun .. lol .. but anyways, we're getting into the first wave of exams and i guess it's going okay. i don't know if i'm studying right or whatever, but i guess i'm hanging in there. i know i'm supposed to be all focused and crazy adderol like but i feel like i did a lot better when i was relaxed about things and just confident in my abilities instead of stressing out about how i don't know anything. i mean, yeah, i don't know everything, but i know something, and as long as i feel confident, that's what matters, right? i hope so. and then today i went with donald to see if i could get a job at cvs .. hopefully they hire me .. damn, i applied at that place like 5 times already .. whatevs, if i get it, it's just like the mall where i worked all weekend. it's all G .. though i am going to miss how i have free weekends nowadays and i can go out if i want to .. but it's okay, i needs moneys, and if anything, i can make time during the weekdays for myself, right? i hope so. i'd freakin go to the mall on a monday. i'd freakin go out on a wednesday. whatevs .. hahahaha .. when i get a real job, with real money, oh i'm gonna have a blast .. lol .. i just hope i remember the whole, time management shit and i can deal with studying.. then again, i don't even really study nowadays when i should be and i have all the time i want to .. hahaha .. i wish i was as studious as charles, he makes me want to be a better person. [awwww. lol ..]
which reminds me, charles and i finally celebrated valentine's day yesterday .. it was so nice because there weren't like102398210938 couples everywhere when we ate at carraba's [sp?] and we just spent time together outside of school eating pasta in a dimly lit [however romantic] place that had subliminal messages of learn-italian phrases like "i prefer wine" or something. it's been so long since charles and i went on a real date like we used to do a lot in the summer .. but i guess it's true that you just wait a long time and you miss it and then when you go on a date it will be good times =) but one time i got a fortune cookie and the fortune said, "absence makes the heart grow fonder, but presence strengthens it" and i really liked it .. because i see charles everyday, and it's really nice, and i like how we just sit in the library and study here and there, and it's good it keeps my mind on school, but then when we really go on dates, it's really special and memorable. but i mean.. all my dates with charles are memorable. even if i don't recall them all immediately .. lol. sometimes it's hard to hang out on the weekends nowadays because school is so hectic, and if/when i start working then that's even less time, but i guess i have to focus and prioritize my life and stuff like that and it's comforting to know that he supports me and isn't upset that there might be less time to be together and he tells me to go after opportunities for my career and stuff like that. like i've been saying, i guess i'm just scared to grow up. haha
anyways, drug delivery is waiting for me and i'm still here listening to robin thicke's cd and i didn't even finish typing this yet .. lol .. and i have a bunch of gift cards that long to be spent. but on what besides sky high black stilettos? sky high stillettos/pumps in other colors? perhaps! and my mom reorganized 5 years of pictures in 5 albums .. that's roughly 1000 pictures, literally! oh the memories. i miss everyone i hung out with in high school .. now they are off doing their own thing in different parts of the country. i miss all my cotillion people, they were so much fun. i was such a dork in high school, lol .. i thought i was the shit. and apparently i'm not! LOL .. but it's funny that i do look 90% the same like i did in high school .. minus the flab that has accumulated in my gut. oh running! oh gym! oh gym for lent. lol ..

anywhos, this is the end! i really have to drug delivery at least once through before i sleep .. while i watch sex and the city .. nyahahaha .. catch all you lovely kids later! i hope you had as great a valentine's day as i did. minus the whole, snow and ice and exams thing. hehe

[[edit]] i was looking through my old xanga and i came across this thing i took a long time ago .. i wanted to see if my answers changed ..

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

mmmmm .. a little. hehe.

<3 to:
best friend jackie; hehe yes! i am smiling =) and i smell prettyful too! ^_^
star; thanks for visiting my blog! =)

you can be my superman save me here i am

2007-01-30T22:16:00.000-05:00

so as usual, most of my pharmacy classmates are burning the midnight oil studying everything and anything they can get their hands on, meanwhile, i'm sitting here like the procrastinator that i am writing in my blog. haha. today is my boyfriend's 21st birthday, he is so special, and wonderful, lol, and going to celebrate where every 21-year-old dreams of going for their birthday--the bar! joke .. =) but anyways, yeah, he really is at the bar while i'm here at home because i won't be old enough yet to join him for another -- 10.5 months. which is okay with me, i'm okay with the forced sobriety that i have to encounter due to being underage .. albeit just 1 year underage. i was complaining to my mom about it, about how i'm always too young to do anything and the last to do everything. and she was like, "why are you in such a rush to grow up?" and i thought, yeah, she's right .. why am i in a rush? sooner or later, it'll be time for me to make decisions and have to fend for myself and *gasp* pay bills and stuff! and have a real job! it is scary to finally encounter that stage in my life .. or at least, preparing to be in it. some young people say they want to do really stupid things before they grow up because they know that once the ripe age hits, you have to be an adult and you can't do those crazy things anymore.. this i find true but false at the same time, because for me, i don't want to be looking back on my youth and regret some of the stupid things i did. i already have regrets and i'm only 20 years old. i want to look back and be able to say that i was smart, that i wasn't a dumbass and made truly irrational decisions .. because in the end, if you don't decide now when you're young, when you get older, how will you know what's right? this is not to say that what my friends do is wrong, because it's not, a lot lot lot of my friends are really responsible. [heller, i'm in a class of anal-retentive people who feel that studying 24-7 is the only way to live. joke supersam! joke carissa! joke viv! joke phil, rich, and raj =)] but in all honesty, it really is hard to find that balance of fun and responsibility. like right now, it would be really really responsible of me to re-read all of my notes and finish re-writing my pathophysiology. but at the same time, it would be really really relaxing if i took a step back and write in my blog. true? exactly. i guess this is where my impatience comes in, i want to be able to have all of the freedom of making my own money and being able to go to the bar and stuff like that but i fail to see the amount of experience, hard work, and studying that has to get my ass there. sometimes when i really think about it, i think college is by far the most awkward period of my life. in grammar school, and even in high school, being so sheltered helped me to focus on my work, and i didn't have to change much, with the exception of coming out of my shell personality wise. but i knew i was incapable of supporting myself or having a career. by the end of college, people kind of expect you to do both. and hopefully, i'll be ready to do that. hopefully! but for now, i guess i just have to enjoy my year of being 20 .. even though i feel really young, whenever i look at my godchildren i always feel old .. because sooner or later i am going to have kids too.. oh snap! but for now, while i have the opportunity to successfully waste time and write in my blog about growing up and maturing, i might as well take it. haha. and i guess it really is time for me to do that whole studying thing .. damn, here i go, falling to the man. haha .. anyways, be easy ladies and gentlemen, and have a good night =)

special ♥ to charles because it is his 21st birthday .. i love you dear!

<3 to:
star; thank you so so much for the lovely comment! it really made my day when i read it =) i hope you have a great day!
bestfriend jackie; you are the B-E-S-T. thanks for letting me hopelessly call you 102938109238 times. you know you can organize with me anytime =)

does that make me crazy? possibly

2007-01-22T20:21:00.000-05:00

when i was walking in school today i had the sudden urge to title a post with this and write something .. there have been too many emotions to count that have run through my body within a span of 4 days and i feel emotionally drained. i don't really know how to explain myself -- i've called about 4 different people about 4 different times each and each time i've cried enough tears to fill the nile river. i woke up with swollen eyes on saturday and my mom thought it was because i overslept. and i cry, sometimes not just because i am sad, but i cry because i am in love. sometimes i think i am a fool for crying so many tears, because my mom tells me to fight -- be strong, don't cry baby, you have to fight. but when i close my eyes they burn like a million suns. and when i open them it's like waterfalls. being in love was like being in pharmacy, i thought, it hurts so much but it's so worth it. i don't want to turn my back on it. and i think, i am going insane. but what is love without madness? what is love without pain? it's like, what is good without evil or sadness without joy? someone i love is hurting. and when someone i love is hurting, i hurt also. because all i want is for them to be happy. all i want is to take away the pain. i want to be like MYMP so "tell me where it hurts" and i'll do my best to make it better. and then when i can't do anything i feel helpless and sad because .. someone i love is still in pain. is still hurting. some people say it is not worth to be in something that continues to hurt because you are only causing yourself more pain. but i would cry a million more tears to know that someone still loves me. i would cry a million more tears to know that someone i love is going to be okay. mary says that i should be strong enough to let go, but i don't know if i am. because i am scared. i want to hold on so tight and never ever let go. instead, i want to hold on.. i want to hold on and fight for my love. i will not just turn around and let go. i will not give up on it. even though people are like, leave it up to chance. but chance doesn't always do anything. i want to fight for my love. i want to have a say in this matter. and then i feel like crying because again, i am in love. i am so scared to lose something so important to me. something that means a lot to me. no, i will not lose it. i refuse. i am holding on. i am waiting, as impatient as i am, and i will be here, and fight for anything that needs fighting for. i will not leave. i can't make promises, you don't want me to make promises to you because you think that i am only staying because of a promise. i am staying because i love you. i don't know what words i should be saying. i know i usually say the wrong words, however with the right intentions. or i say the wrong words because i am wrong anyway. but i am trying my best to be strong. for you and for me. i am trying to be strong for us.

the truth about diamonds

2007-01-08T22:38:00.000-05:00

so happy belated 2007 everyone, i guess this is the first post of mine for the new year .. i've been trying to come up with a new layout but i guess the truth holds that my best layouts [and blogs] do come when i'm inspired, and right now, in the midst of trying to control my manic-depressive-PMS-moody-fit, i'm compelled to share my thoughts with you, my adoring [albeit small LOL joke =)] public. so although it's a month away, valentine's day is coming.. i know it's really early to be talking about it because "it's so far away" and most people i talk to despise the holiday and/or curse it for being another reason for capitalism to take its course in selling us dozens of delicious chocolates and such .. but i must say.. should i be excited for it? or am i just hyping up something that i shouldn't even be counting on happening? sure, it's the beginning of the year.. and i feel like i'm lacking in the love department for most of this break. but i have to inquire, my lovers and friends, should i be concerned? is it worth the trouble worrying about this? i mean, i know i shouldn't expect anything. gillian and i have gone over this time and time again and the reason i get so irritated is because i am expecting too much from a certain someone. but don't i have the right? doesn't a girl have the right to be romanced? my friend joe always talks to me about his ultimate swoonage--in which he would do the ultimate wine-and-dine for his lovergirl. but my loverboy never speaks about things like that. i mean, i don't ask for much .. i know i'm supposed to be like JLO and "love don't cost a thing" type shit.. but it's like .. i see other couples and they're sweets to the max and deep down inside i want some sweets to the max. sure, PDA is not nice. i'm all for telling people off who are about to sex it up right in front of you. but would it hurt to get a hug or something? or a loving glance? and it's like .. yeah, i know i'm a broke college kid .. and everyone is a broke college kid and all .. but would it hurt to get a little something nice once in a while? i know i'm in pharmacy school working my ass off so that i would be able to afford everything for myself and so i wouldn't have to depend on a man to support me but you know .. i mean .. don't i deserve nice things? like flowers? or something? or something cute and small that reminds person of me that they think they would like me to have? i don't know .. everyone is telling me to have patience, to wait things out .. that this is just a phase and i don't need to be stressing about things because it is my vacation. i know that relationships take work. they take give-and-take and romance and all that stuff. i don't want to just assume things and i know better than to expect things. maybe i'm just .. lonely, bored, something. maybe i'm need of some more diamonds. haha. sometimes, all i want is just to hear "i love you." is that too much to ask? heck, should i even be asking? i am feeling neglected and i don't know what to do about it anymore. sometimes i want to be alone to just get over it but at the same time it feels contrary to the plan. i just want to be thought of. i want the feeling of like .. oh, i thought of you today. i just wanted to give you a call. to me, i feel like things should be intuitive. if someone doesn't sound happy, they are sad. if someone says, i'm hungry, and they are looking at your french fries, they want one. if a girl consistently looks at every diamond necklace in a store, think about getting her one. i know i have a job and all, and a certain someone does not, but at the same time, can we get a little creative here? DO SOMETHING NICE FOR A GIRLFRIEND?! hi, hello. not always the girlfriend who plans the romantic shit. i swear, i might not plan anything for valentine's day. just go home. do nothing. hang out with my mom. is anyone going to stop me? is someone going to plan something for me? i know he's not perfect, i know i shouldn't be idealistic .. i'm trying to be realistic, here. fck it, whatevs .. i need some chocolate

<3 to best friend jackie, i love love lover her. =)

dick clark's new year's rockin eve .. almost

2006-12-27T22:05:00.000-05:00

hello friends! well, yeah, it's a little early for me to be doing my end-of-the-year recap .. after all, there are still 4 more days left in 2006, but hey, i want to be able to get my recap in before i forget and then it'll already 2007! i have a wedding to go to tomorrow so that already leaves out tomorrow and plus, i can do my picture recap of xmas weekend and plus plus i can um.. do another survey! hahaha. well, before i get to that, i had to help gillian register for MCATs and it kind of made me realize how nice it is to be in pharmacy school and i don't even have to register for no test or anything .. man, i didn't get my scores yet for 2 classes .. hopefully i passed; i'm kind of relieved i passed almost all my classes .. just waiting for one more. MAN! anyways, it's pretty nice doing nothing but at the same time i was pretty bored today and i wasted a whole day doing nothing but at least i got to paint a painting ^_^

xmas was okay this year, it was pretty good cuz i got to spend it w/ all my famjams and even my homie and especially charles! =) homie made cool ass cupcakes and such .. and when you reach 20, you realize xmas isn't about you anymore and you'll be lucky if you get 1 present you really wanted .. unlike when you're a kid you get all the presents. 's okay .. i can't wait to be the ninang that gives the awesomest present ever .. ehehehehe .. sadly, i didn't get nintendo ds lite for nothings [i wasn't expecting anyone to get it for me *ahem* LOL but charles said to brad that he wasn't made of money and that he's unemployed .. LOL LOL LOL .. ] anywhoos, maybe, when the price goes down and the backorders are done being processed and if i still want it weeks from now, maybe i'll go and buy it for myself after i pay off all my bills i got from christmas .. oh, my pocket. lol .. well, here is some delightful picture form i could share w/ you to explain the rest of christmas =)

christmas tree cake with sparkly candles! yay!

blow out all the candles, i forgot to make a wish haha

2nd birthday party w/ kuya dodong and abbygail

christmas eve/25th anniversary party with charles! and child in picture playing war.. hello child! =)

beautiful village with charles's lego train that got into a train wreck .. luckily, no lego people were hurt ^_^

mary and i's annual xmas photo

michelle's new favorite cd -- super fuzzy animals! LOL LOL LOL ..

mafioso cousins .. and this isn't even all of us

what a hottie .. ;) look at that smile! :) :)

and what an awesome sweater!

wells .. here is my recap for 2006!

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before? i went to nyc and i overnighted with a bunch of people and spent 24+ hours wiht manjams .. =)
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? hellllll yeah! i promised to stop biting my nails and i did! wooooo!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? ate did! yayayay jenna !
4. Did anyone close to you die? no .. not this year, thankfully.
5. What countries did you visit? well i went to las vegas .. i can't leave the country since my passport expired .. yikes!
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? my drive to learn and succeed. and to embrace my career path .. or at least, get ready to finish. lol
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 656, gillian's 21st, jenna's birthday
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? that would have to be being able to go to nyc with my friends and overnight there .. OH! OH! driving to sayreville! BY MYSELF! GO ME!
9. What was your biggest failure? oh that would be pharmacy practice management
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? well i'm feeling kind of sick now and i got this big ass fever in the spring
11. What was the best thing you bought? that would be denim dunk cl's son!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? mary because she graduated from high school! yay!
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? mines did because i failed a lot of exams
14. Where did most of your money go? that would be the vending machine in school as well as the convenience store as well as going out with charles
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? omg omg going out on my first official official date date with dinner and a movie straight up
16. what song will always remind you of 2006? omg what was that song .. i heard it all summer. i think it was "ridin" by chamillionaire .. as well as "for the love" by drew sidora and mario and and buttons by pussycat dolls and and my love by justin timberlake!
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? i think i'm happier but at the same time i'm also more tired as hell
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? studying, of course. always!
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? mmmm .. studying .. AHAHAHa
20. How will you be spending Christmas? i spent it at my homie's house, at charles's house, at st. matthew's, at mary's house, at lisa's in long island, and at charles's house again!
21. How will you be spending New Years? ninang fely's -- it never changes. lol .. but me and mary plan on making that different sometime soon!
22. Did you fall in love in 2006? yes. :)
23. How many one-night stands? hgahahaha .. make that, 120938103 night stands .. JOKE
24. What was your favorite TV program? law and order! and csi! and i recently got into ugly betty
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? ummm .. freak out guy! he is so so so annoying
26. What was the best book you read? i don't read books anymore, i read powerpoint packets lol
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? charles's slow jam cd
28. What did you want and got? the hat i got for xmas from mary and denim dunks
[what happen to question 29?]
30. What was your favorite film of this year? ummm .. talladega nights was funny =)
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i turned 20 and i took my pharm care final! =[ and then i had christmas tree shaped ice cream cake and i bought myself a cute sweater :)
32. What one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? straight As, darling .. but other than that, i'm pretty happy with what i got this year =)
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? i would describe it as looking like a bum for the last half of the year and completely taking advantage of still being a "teenager" and dressing like one .. but at the same time, becoming more fashion forward thanks to my best friend in the universe!
34. What kept you sane? charles kept me sane! and my mom .. though my mom drove me crazy at the same time
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? lol, the victoria secret models .. haha
36. What political issue stirred you the most? ummm i feel like i should know this
37. Who did you miss? best friend in the universe!
38. Who was the best new person you met? that would be too cool for school jopapa even though we knew each other from high school we didn't start talking til now. OMG, did i mention i met charles this year too? haha
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: embrace your path in life; don't come in angry. things never go as planned.. so always be ready for the unexpected. i'm growing up and it's time for me to experience new things and be the young adult that i am. and, of course, love moves in mysterious ways .. haha
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. "just tell me where it hurts now baby, and i'll do my best to make it better" .. as well as the lyrics from the songs that remind me of this year; like "ain't got to do nothing crazy, cuz all i want you to do is be my love"

and that's it! =)

<3 to ren for being the only one to leave me a comment! you rock!

mojo dojo // go shorty it's your birthday

2006-12-21T22:46:00.000-05:00

"kristine" (10:25:23 PM): HEY U!!!
"kristine" (10:25:26 PM): HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!!!!!
angelica (10:25:43 PM): HEY!
angelica (10:25:49 PM): THANKS KRISTE I HEART YOU!
"kristine" (10:25:45 PM): i was like to my friend
"kristine" (10:25:46 PM): OMG
"kristine" (10:25:48 PM): WHAT DAY IS IT TODAY
"kristine" (10:25:49 PM): lol
"kristine" (10:25:57 PM): and im like SHIT I GOTTA TELL MY FRIEND HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

nicole (10:22:39 PM): happy birthday ang!
angelica (10:23:14 PM): thanks nicole! =)
nicole (10:23:26 PM): how's it being 20?
nicole (10:23:27 PM): lol.

Juliet (10:26:03 PM): happy birthdayyyy!
angelica (10:26:26 PM): THANKS!
angelica (10:26:28 PM): =)

ian (11:14:50 PM): hey you
ian (11:14:53 PM): happy birthday!
angelica (11:15:18 PM): thanks ian! =)

so of course, today was my birthday! =) and, of course, it goes without saying, that write a little entry in my blog for my birthday! ^_^ now .. let's do it in delightful survey form! =)

*Happy Birthday Survey*
About the Bday Girl
Today's Date:	december 21, 2006
How old did you turn?:	i turned 20!
How old do you feel?:	i feel like, 20 .. i guess .. i can't believe i'm this old. lol
Where are you today?:	at home, typing up this junks for my blog heeh
Going to do anything special?:	well first i took my final exam in pharm care .. boo! then i went to the mall and had ice cream and bought a sweater .. and i had some lovely people over for an intimate gathering filled with a cake shaped like an xmas tree and twister dance dvd .. LOL
With whom?:	my mom, dad, charles, christine, mary, brian, gabe, mike, ate, jenna, jeremy, jenn, ninang fely, ninong joven, auntie josie, and uncle arthur .. and gillian in the AM and sam later on getting coldstone at the mall =)
Who was the first to tell you Happy bday today?:	why my homie christine, of course!
Do you love this person?:	to the MAXXX!
What are they getting for you?:	welllll she got me this awesome t-shirt from my FAVE FAVE candy store in NYC!!
The day you were born
What day of the week was it?:	ummmm .. sunday? im not sure
Did anything exciting happen that day?:	uhhh .. i was born?
Really? Wow give us the story::	haha .. i was born in jersey city
How much did you weigh?:	as much as an average baby
Who was at the hospital?:	my mom, and dad, and the nurses and doctors and my aunts and uncles
Did you already have big brothers/sisters?:	nope and i don't have any .. =X
Birthday Wishes
Who is the person you wish could spend your bday with you but they can't?:	GILLIAN .. but she is on a hot date today with sean! but it's okie cuz i saw her already =)
What big ticket gift are you wishing for?:	nintendo ds lite .. or or or A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN!
What are you going to wish for when you blow out the candles?:	i don't even remember making a wish .. i was trying to but i got distracted by my godson. LOL
What is your wish for the coming year?:	staying in pharmacy school .. and maintaining my sanity. lol
Yay! its my birthday!!!
Take this survey Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

well, that was my 20th birthday in a nutshell .. not too eventful, and i kind of wanted it that way .. cuz i've been so stressed from school and etc i just wanted to chill at home and wrap presents. lol. anywho .. i better get back to that .. it's almost christmas! yay!

<3 to:
anonymous; thanks for visiting my site again.. from your favorite pimple girl `;P
the homie; thanks for always having my back! i love you to the max! =)
breathing mechanisms of the fish gillian; thanks for leaving me 2 comments! i'm glad you like my entries and my picture with charles that i took in the library =) i hope your hot date was hot hot hot just like your hot red dress and i hope you have a great time in the philippines! =D

p.s. more will be updated later when i put pics and etc. heeh k bye!

In Over My Head

2006-12-07T23:05:00.000-05:00

okay so yeah, i should be studying for pharmy pharm care -- and instead i would rather blogger, because i am lame, because pharmy pharm care is the gay-est shiiiiet in the entire world and i know i should should care about it because heller! i am a pharmacist-in-training and i deal with drugs all day every day. but come on now, ladies and gentlemen, i am going to be looking this shit up when i get older. or telling my little underlings to do all this shit for me. nahahahaha. this is so so so LAME-O!! ugh. one hundred UGHs. anywhoo, it has been a hot minute since i wrote a blog, so i thought it would be a nice time to write something .. it doesn't take me too long, and maybe i finally had something to write! instead of some bs entry that i usually write because i feel bad because i didn't have anything to say. but anyways, you know, these past couple of weeks it has been pretty hard.. actually after thanksgiving has been pretty hard .. december always has a way of kicking my ass. when i was driving home tonight, it was really clear and cold.. i was trying to look for a shooting star in the sky but unfortunately i was not lucky enough to catch one yet. and there was some commercial on the radio that was talking about how whack of a year 2006 was .. and i was thinking about it and i was like .. yeah, this year was pretty whack! like, okay, no, there were definitely a lot of good parts [AKA SUMMER] but come on. the end of sophomore year academically was a beeeeyatch! you know, i came out of my orgo/systems finals thinkin i was an absolute dumbass. of course, and then i had to take that philo summer class .. yeah, i know, i made dean's list and shit like that .. *POOF* that's gone! ahahha. like this semester totally started off jacked up. it really did! everyone is like mad messed up academically and everything is just biting our ass in the wrong ways! what is going on! even though it's not new year's yet my new year's resolution is to walk into my next semester [crosses fingers] with open arms and open mind. so that i can love love love this stuff! sigh. when i was walking down to the dining hall to eat with my pharmy pharm friends i was thinking about how i was trying my best to stay positive and happy .. because even though there is all this crap and i am tired i am trying to stay positive. charles said that he does not want me to depend on him to be "jolly" and that every time we are together i am always so "jolly." well jolly makes me think of santa! and then i told him that i am jolly even with my mom and of course when i eat chocolates. but charles, being the smarty pants he is, says that he does things that chocolate can not do for me. oh gillian, she would be proud. did i mention that one time gillian and i did a debate on whether boys were better than chocolate? it was mad funny and it was for our school project. gillian, she is such a silly silly lady. who puts silly ideas into my head. LOL .. anyways, i am glad i am in a much better better mood than the past couple of weeks because that was just bad. really bad! i do not want to get into details but let us just say it was bad. and, since finals are coming up, i feel a little sadness that i can not do much hanging outs because i have to S-T-U-D-Y. sadness! but that's okay. i hope i can hang outs a lots after my exams! everything is going by so fast .. oh goodness! when i was making my list for xmas wantings [charles' brother ask me and i was like .. "?" lol] and i wanted a chocolate fountain! but then i was thinking, i wouldn't really use it! oh but it is so so so awesome! but if you would like to know, i would like nintendo ds lite thank you very much! but if you ask me, i am getting a spatula for christmas! i am getting a spatula i am getting a spatula i am getting a spatula i am getting a spatula i am getting a spatula i am getting a spatula i am getting a spatula! eheheheh. anyways, since i feel kind of bad that i wasn't really studying and i was procrastinating .. here is something for you to know!

if you plan on taking trovafloxacin for your nosocomial pneumonia, note that there is a black box warning that could be serious enough to require a liver transplant. so it should not be used for more than 2 weeks.

ciprodex is used for otitis media.

avoid taking your fluoroquinolones with antacids.

when taking cialis, the drug is no substitute for sexual stimulation and in order to get an erection, you have to do the damn thing. it is more different chemically and has a longer duration.

migranes can be triggered by food and environmental events, and taking imitrex or relpax is usually the choice of treatment. beta blockers and antiseizure medications are also propylactic for migraines.

k bye!

<3 to:
anonymous; who left me 2 comments about my pimply face -- thanks for visiting my site! `;P no beef, go ahead, i know i gots pimples. i may not be adriana lima but dammit i know i could put it down. ^_^
bestfriend jackie; the best! absolutely! yayayay! wish you could have been @ thanksgiving for the lumpias heehee
my "admirer"; thanks for the positive comments! i really appreciate it! ^_^ it kind of was the inspiration for me to write a blog .. heehee! =)

tu amor // happy thanksgiving

2006-11-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

so i actually had this really long entry in my head that i've been planning to write because it's been almost 2ish weeks since i've updated my blog -- yeah, i've been slacking, i know .. and since i finally changed up the layout a little bit i thought it would be the perfect opportunity to finally update and write something .. and plus, it is/was thanksgiving, and it wouldn't be appropo if i let a holiday go by and i didn't even write an entry for it. so anyways, here goes .. i guess i don't really have much to say because i'm in a better mood nowadays and when i get in a better mood i don't have my voices talking in my head and i kind of, more or less, have a blank mind. haha. but! let's start with what i am thankful for this year. or at least, what i am thankful for today. hahaha. in of course, our favorite, delightful picture form! hehehe. oh yeah! first, i am thankful that we got to have a "white people" thanksgiving like mary says and i got to eat mad yummy mashed potatoes and turkey and lasagna. yum!

second, i am thankful that me and mary's cupcakes came out maddd nice and people ate them!

i am thankful for my momma who drives me nuts like 24/7

i am thankful for these 2 lovely ladies

i am thankful for dunks made of denim and for the dude on ebay who was willing to sell them to me in my size

and of course i am thankful for this goofy yet oh-so-irresistibly cute boyfriend of mine .. hehe `;P

and of course i am also thankful for everything else in my life, even the crappy stuff, because that's what makes me appreciate all the good stuff in my life. even for the rain, i am thankful for the rain. and i am thankful that i am still alive even after all of the pharmacy bullshit that i've been going through. and i am thankful that i have a day off so that i can SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP. mmmm yes. my semester is almost over! oooooh man. well .. i guess that it is all i have to say. hope you all had a great thanksgving k bye!

<3 to:
bestfriend jackie; oh yes these shoes are definitely my show stoppers. =)
joe aka jopapa; we should! next time my class is canceled in the morning. :)
christine aka the homie; my new pants rock homie, all because of you. :) most definitely need another one of those getaways! oooo especially for xmas shopping .. yeeeaaahhh =D

heaven only knows

2006-11-05T23:41:00.000-05:00

sorry for my last entry [well the last half, lol] it was really depressing. and then i watched without a trace today and some girl committed suicide in the bathtub. i never understood how that worked, and i don't want people looking through my shit thinking i was psychologically unstable, so let's get things straight -- i'm not depressed, i don't want to do anything like that [i mean, why take the easy way out -- take it like a woman and suffer! haha] and i am content and very thankful and happy for everything i have in my life. especially today .. today was one of those good days.

today i got to go to the mall with my homie .. and we walked around and i found skinny jeans that totally hugged my ass. and on sale too. and then i went out with charles and we ate sushi at u-yees that was mmm mmm oh so yummy. today is also charles and i 5 months whatever. nice. niiiice ..

it didn't rain today and my room looks amazing with its new blue paint. i even did some furniture rearrangement .. nice .. and my room has been the cleanest in about 5 years .. aahahahhaha. i can't wait to put up some pictures because my walls look bare. i am so happy with my color. it is post-it blue to a T. sherwin williams, this is my autoplug for you. people should paint their houses with sherwin williams paint. though when i went to home depot i saw this oh so cute room tinkerbell style with stars on a night colored ceiling. and yes, i'm going to put more stars in my sky. especially the constellation orion. yeaaaahh ..

other than that, the only other thing i would like to say is that i am in love with denim dunk cls. they are mad expensive like whoa! but i don't know .. they are like the shoe of shoes for me. oh man oh man ..

well anyways, i hope you all had a good night just like me. =)

<3 to:
bestfriend jackie; ahahahahah .. i wanna be the .. uhm .. lion tamer! or trapeze artist! or the demented chinese acrobat twins! =) i love you best friend!
homie christine; hanging out at the mall is the best and thank you for being my stylist and picking out my cool grey skinny jeans. :) yay!

impossible

2006-10-31T23:15:00.000-05:00

i hate life right now, but i love you.

my inspiration on so many levels.

i hate stressing. i hate feeling like i'm incapable. for the past couple of days that's all i've been feeling. i don't know where my passions for learning has gone. all i feel is hopelessness and desolation. after exams, all i feel like is like i'm a complete failure. why? why must it always be like this? why must i always carry this feeling of self-doubt and inadequacy with me every day? how come i don't enjoy learning? when i was in the bathroom someone scribbled on the wall, "not the paper, chase the dream." but i don't even know what my dream is. i mean, are you supposed to feel miserable studying for a career that you've blindly chosen? am i going about this all wrong? but it's like, what else can i do. i've chosen this path and i dodn't want to turn back. part of me just wants to prove to myself that i could actually do this, no matter how much i really hate every single moment of it. it's been torture for the past couple of weeks. i don't even know what to do to escape. but i can't even escape. i have no way out.. if i leave now, i leave with nothing. which is even worse. even more than getting out of this hell hole, i just want to feel like i'm worth something. i want to feel like i've accomplished something. i want that feeling of greatness again that i used to have in highschool. the feeling of knowing i was the best at everything i did. i excelled in everything. now i put my mind to it, and i can't even pass sometimes, it's that hard. what do i have to do? what more do i have to sacrifice to get what i want? am i just inherently stupid? is that what it is? i'm just a fricking dumb ass that doesn't know? i am trying to keep my scholarship hanging on a thread. i don't know where my willpower has gone. i don't know where my motivation to succeed has gone. everything just feels like a hopeless, dead end, vicious cycle of impending doom. sometimes i wish i could just leave all of this mess behind. sometimes, i truly hate my life and everything that i have to go through. i don't care who tells me i've got it easy because i don't. i hate every minute of this horror. i want it all to go away and i want to feel like i'm happy in what i've chosen. not just because of the money or the power or prestige .. i don't even know anymore. i have the most pounding headache and i feel like crying every minute right now .. i hate this, i really really hate this

lost without you

2006-10-23T22:44:00.000-04:00

so i've been kind of slacking in my .. writing in my blog, so sad.. i guess i've been so busy and i don't really have much to say that i didn't have anything better to say here so i just left what i had before. lol .. i should be doing my calculations assignment for pharmaceutical care -- i'm a slacker i should be on top of my shit .. oh man, i need another break! even though i don't have any exams this week -- it was all a lie! they did it on purpose because i have this wretched assignment to do that i slacked and haven't started until now. and even now, i'm writing in my blog! i'm such a slacker .. such a frickin SLACKER ..
but enough ranting and raving, i am just feeling a lot better than i did a couple of days ago. there was a filipino couple that was involved in a murder suicide here in our area [if you live/lived around here you probably heard about it on the news or by word of mouth] and it was crazy how many people asked me if i knew the family. i reply no .. only that i know that someone i knew from way back was next-door neighbors to the family .. but it's so crazy. it got me thinking .. and you would probably think i was really morbid for thinking this but -- if something serious were to happen to me, how far would the shockwave go throughout the community? how much of a response would people have to my misfortune? would they just be interested for the sole fact of its sensationalism or would they honestly care? would people i met only once suddenly remember the one moment we ever had contact just to be able to form a connection to the story they saw on tv? i don't know. one thing's for sure .. people are usually quick to pay attention to horrible things .. who knows why, but i guess that is the way life is. the world is such a crazy and dangerous place ..
so yesterday [10/22] was RAPS annual halo-halloween -- yes, i know .. it's never on a sunday, but for some reason this year, that's when it was. it was an odd time to have it, and i was sad because some of my friends and etc didn't come .. and sad because i didn't even get to see the whole show, but being onstage was most fun .. and i'm glad i got to do it one more time before pharmacy really kicks me in the ass and i can't do it anymore. there are always people who think cultural dancing is corny and refuse to do it .. but iono, i've loved it since i've been doing it here in school. i don't know how much longer i can hold on because 18 credits is getting to be a lot these days. of course you already know that from reading this from time to time .. hahaha .. but anyways, congrats to all the performers yesterday .. even if i didn't get to see you, i'm sure you were all pretty awesome. =) i'm sad too because it started and ended so late and i was too assed to stay for the whole thing since i ended up dancing at 11pm. yeah .. late, i know.
today i gave out candy to my classmates in pharmacy .. yeah, i only had like 50 packs and i have 200 classmates, but to the random people i got to throw candy at, i'm glad i made their day. it makes me happy when i make other people happy. i guess, i aim to please, huh? yup. i sure do love candy .. i wish i could go trick-or-treating like back in the day, but i guess i'm getting too old for it. but, never too old for candy .. mmm .. 2 of the freshies on rcdt dressed up as fukyu and fukmi .. awwww. they are so cute .. hehehe. wish i had that kind of enthusiasm .. ^_^
i think i know what withdrawal feels like .. you know, when you go without something for a couple of days, you really start to miss it. yeah, i'm a whack ass, i missed my boyfriend already after 4 days. i couldn't even last. but then again, that's because i see him everyday [so you're probably thinking, but you see him everyday .. so a couple of days won't kill you] but contrary to popular belief, it does. maybe i'm just a sap or a loser or whatever, but i do. it's not like before, when i was a young one in high school, not seeing who i was in to for weeks, months on end. i don't know how i put up with that now that i look back on it. maybe because i was too busy fantasizing. nowadays i have to live in the here and now because so many things just leave in the blink of an eye. and when he's not here with me in the here and now, i feel like a part of me is missing. and i feel lonely .. [hey there lonely girl.. lol] and then i was looking at a quote from someone's profile, and i thought it was kind of funny-- "lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off" ..ahahahaha. well, that's only true in about .. mmmmm, maybe 20% of the time. give or take a few.
unfortunately, i think i've run out of things to say. i've really got to get back in the game of writing in my blog because my past few entries have been crap. well this one has been. then again, sometimes, i like to be short and to the point instead of rambling. since i don't have anything to say. but anyways, okay, good night.

charles, i love you. you know that.

the end.

<3 to:
bestfriend in the universe [jackie] -- hahaha, those are great chill pills. and my new skinny jeans rock my world, just like you. =)
the fish [gillian] -- lol, sure.
the anonymous -- um, you're a fagnut. but thanks for the comment.

SOS: please, someone help me

2006-10-01T15:32:00.000-04:00

so anyways, i'm on my break between studying this lovely molecule as well as memorizing the 20 amino acids .. and man .. i'm pretty proud of myself that i haven't completely died this weekend and i'm not feeling as sad as i was on thursday/friday .. things just keep getting more and more complicated as the semester goes on .. but i guess, it's expected -- after all, i am a 3rd year! but oh man people, i definitely was in a rut for about 2 weeks. possibly, when i take my other exams .. it'll come back with a vengenace, but for right now, i'm trying to savor the fact that i'm in a good mood once again. i think the sunshine definitely helps .. i hate going to school when it rains .. rain always makes me feel sad during the school year. i can't believe it's already october .. sometimes the days go by so agonizingly slow [you should see our pharmacy practice managment class LOL] and sometimes, i'm surprised at how fast we finish and that holy smokes! it's friday once again. =) friday has become my favorite day of the week .. i guess it helps that i don't work weekends and that charles and i usually go out after class on fridays, and of course, i get to catch up on allllll my sleep during the weekend. i think i'm finally getting used to the whole, feeling-tired-everyday thing, but it's annoying when my body refuses to wake up for my 8:55 am class. i'll have to work on that .. usually, i'm really good about it, but it doesn't help when i have a bajillion exams that i have to study for. ahhhh time management, what a biiiiiiiitch .. it makes me sad sometimes that i can't ever do much of anything fun anymore, it's as if i don't have the time because i always feel guilty that i should be using that time to be studying .. just like right now, lol .. but writing in my blogspot is always part of the escape i need from the hectic herd of moo-moos that stress out around me everyday. i wish they would all just take a chill pill .. it's starting to rub off on me too, because viv tells me to take some chill pills too. maybe i should invent that when i graduate .. 2010 seems so far away, i can't wait for that f-ing year to come.

well, um .. in something non-school related, i sure do love online shopping! of course, i haven't really bought much online .. and i'm trying to earn some money to actually buy another thing online .. but man! i didn't know that if you use your check card with the visa logo on it it's comparable to a credit card [minus the whole, gotta charge it and then pay for it later thing.] it's so tempting to go out and buy lots and lots of stuff .. so far, i just bought a microSD card for my phone that i'm hoping will come this week .. yay for music on my phone! i love my phone, but then i was searching the t-mobile website and they came out with more samsung phones. it's too late now to get a new phone [heller, i just got this one!] but you know, can't help but feel like i want to get another phone. poo .. but it's okay, it's a phone, and as long as it makes calls, then i'm set. i bought some skinny-ish jeans too from tjmaxx .. they are slimming and have a cigarette leg instead of a tapered leg .. which i guess is good .. i thought skinny jeans were supposed to be mad skinny but it's okay. they are freakin sold out everywhere! i tried on this outfit for my mom with a shirt i bought from h&m and she said i looked malnourished. LOL .. i felt like nicole richie for a hot minute .. and kind of nice because at least she didn't say i looked fat. eheh .. [contrary to popular belief, i too have weight issues and think i'm fat.] i would like some more flats too, but it's okay .. sneakers are the way to go for me right now because they are oh-so-comfy and plus i look like a bum almost every single day [except for wednesday when i have to look extra cool for when i go to pharmaceutics lab. OH! i needa go to H&M and/or target and buy some more professional clothes.. mmm ..] so much stuff i wanna buy .. damn, i'm so materialistic. ahahaha .. another reason why i am in pharmacy school .. =X

anywho, since my life has been mainly about books, i guess this is where the conversation has to end, friends. til next time, when i have something else to say again. peeeeeeease!

ps.// the song, 'enjoy' by janet jackson is hot. listen to it! =)

<3 to:
jon [santos]; you're welcome. =)
jackie [bestfriend]; hehe i love your cheese. delicious cheesy goodness. mmm especially cheese on my pizza .. yum!
gillian [breathing mechanisms of the fish woman]; YAY! i can't wait. i wanna go to ummm .. philadelphia or miami .. or .. let's go to LA!!!!! =D =D =D
ren [renee]; awww thanks ren i love you too! =)

these are the questions i ask myself

2006-09-17T12:08:00.000-04:00

jonsantos (12:04:56 PM): what are you doing right at this second?
angelica (12:05:02 PM): ummmm
angelica (12:05:08 PM): i was about to write in my blogger-ness
jonsantos (12:05:39 PM): I'm looking at your blog right now
jonsantos (12:05:44 PM): can you blog me in there
angelica (12:05:46 PM): sure
jonsantos (12:05:51 PM): sweet
angelica (12:05:54 PM): what would you like me to say
jonsantos (12:06:22 PM): I was just about to blog then the epitomy of sexiness, Jon Santos, IMed me.
angelica (12:06:31 PM): gotcha
angelica (12:06:33 PM): anything else?
jonsantos (12:06:43 PM): that's about it
angelica (12:06:51 PM): lol okay
jonsantos (12:06:57 PM): =)

hahaa .. so anyways, part of my entry is dedicated to the self-proclaimed, "epitome of sexiness," the new alum of rutgers himself, jon santos. hehehe

but anyways, so week 2 of school is down, and here i am, still alive. but now, damn, i'm pretty exhausted .. i had my first few set of little exams/quizzes .. and i'm just hoping that i didn't seriously fck them up. it rained for half the week .. which kind of put in a downer -- especially when i have soggy pants because the rain is pouring like a mother and my pants are too long which leads them to dip into the ugly puddles of school. we got our shiny labcoats from our ceremony, and i have to admit, it puts a little bit of motivation and kind of brings to life everything that we've all been vigorously studying for. and of course, you know me, i'm a sucker for anything personalized with my name on it. woooooo .. it's almost like being in a sorority. joke .. i'm trying to find time to do things that aren't pharmacy related, but it's starting to feel in vain especially since everyday i come home and i'm ass tired .. too tired to do anything properly. i fall asleep by 11:30! i haven't done that since i was a freshman in highschool! lols. but i think i had a change in body clock this weekend because i took naps in the middle of the day which leads me to staying awake later. and i'm surprised that i actually look at notes at night .. maybe it's because i'm secretly freaking out that i'm going to fail. hmmmm .. i hope i still have time for fun ..
yesterday, i was having pretty much a half-crappy/half-really good day .. retail therapy tends to make me feel better than i usually do. and i can never resist comfortable weird colored sneakers. though, now i have to invest in something awkwardly green. like olive green. do i know how to rock something olive green? along with a wonderful timepiece purchased by my m-o-m. i don't even want to wear it now because it's so pretty. it's actually partially my birthday gift and my mom said not to wear it until my birthday .. that seems likely .. i was saving the pretty timepiece for a special occasion .. but i doubt i'll have any of those in the near future .. my birthday is still 3 months away. but for now, it's finally getting sunny and warm again .. it's almost like it's summer coming back to give me one last goodbye. but i don't mind .. it's time to wear longsleeves again and sweats and you know, jeans every other day.
i have a feeling this entry is going to be really short .. even though it has the possibility to be longer than anyone would expect .. but part of me feels like this part of me that's currently under stress needs to be kept to myself .. or just between a select few people. sometimes i forget how public things can get when i post stuff on the internet .. that's usually how drama starts, and i'm too old to be involved in such unncessary stress. gillian tells me that i need to learn to keep things in, yeah .. i'm getting to be good at that, i guess, although it does leave me in a vulnerable place at times. i guess there are just those types of problems that no one really knows how to cure .. and you either learn to live with it or get over it or maybe eventually it'll just go away.. and i'm not sure if school is really the best remedy for this.. but what can i do .. hey, at least it keeps my mind off of things. i feel like i need another vacation, and i need to get out of new jersey again. if only i had time to go up to the city.. especially since it's free for students to go next week. well, i guess this is the end of my mindless ramble. until next time when i actually have coherent and flowing comprehendable thoughts.

<3 to:
bestfriend jackie; hehe .. i'm gonna go get the super dry ice from home depot and ship it to you like they do in the choco milk commercial. =)
joe aka jopapa; hey man, i don't like soggy pants. but next time, i will wear my cut up sweats.

drugs, 8th grade, and fudgy burritos

2006-09-09T22:00:00.000-04:00

so it has only been about the first week of school and already i am like mad tired dude. and it's weird because i am a junior [aka 3rd year] in college and i feel like i just started high school or eighth grade! i don't understand. everything feels so different and sometimes i am just confused. in a nutshell, i have been learning about:

the stuff that makes up the drugs; [aka pharmacology]
the stuff that makes up the stuff that makes up the drugs; [aka molbio&biochemistry]
how to make the drugs; [aka pharmaceutics]
how to sell the drugs; [aka pharmacy practice&management]
how to deal with the people i sell the drugs to; [aka pharmacy care]
who used to sell the drugs a long time ago; [aka history of pharmacy]
and what it feels like to sell the drugs [aka intro practice experience]

it's so nutty. i feel like i don't know how to do normal stuff like add or subtract. i miss math and science and social studies and philosophy and random stuff! ahhhhhh monotony! on our first day me and supersam felt kind of lost because we didn't know how to distinguish between our classes because we kind of like have class in the same building for 3 or 4 hours straight at a time. and about drugs! drugs drugs drugs. so much drugs. i think my head is spinning. right now it is saturday and i was trying to plan out hte rest of my studying schedule. i don't even know how to do that. before, in school, they give you a chance to read ahead because we get like 102938102938 textbooks with 102938102983 pages in them, and they give you homework problems to do.. but now i don't have any homework problems! i don't even have text books for half my classes! what is that! it is all printed notes from the computer! i don't even know how to study ahead so instead, i am going to revert to re-reading my notes that i just learned the night before each class so that when it is time to crack down for my exam i will not be so frustrated that i don't know anything when i study for it and i will stop and cut back on the cramming. oh man, i feel so scared for this year! i am so scared that i am going to fail out because everything i am taking is so radically different from anything i have ever learned in my life. it is like -- a big flashy sign saying 'YOU ARE OFFICALLY GOING TO BE A PHARMACIST.' there's no way out anymore! this has become my destiny. scary to even have a destiny. sometimes i don't really believe in the destiny stuff because nothing ever goes as planned. when i was in 8th grade i didn't plan on being a pharmacist. i didn't plan on studying to be one of those people behind the counter at CVS. in high school i thought i would be saving the world in a top-secret lab blowing up stuff and studying rare species of bacteriums and playing with the titration thing. but now i am learning about drugs. then again, when i signed up for this pharmacy thing i didn't know this was the stuff i would be learning about. i thought i was going to walk in learning about how to count pills and learning which company makes which drug so everyone gets their prescription. of course, i have to learn about that stuff too, but i get to learn about cytochromes and DNA helixes and xenobiotic chemicals and fun stuff like that. and how to make cough syrup .. LOL! i hope and pray a whole lot that i do really really really good this semester. so that i will not feel like doing all this stuff is a lost cause. i hope that the next 4 years are going to be good. i hope for a lot of things. i know that graduating is humanly possible but i am still really scared that i am going to wake up one day and fail out of this crazy program. that is like my worst nightmare in the whole wide world .. besides someone dying or getting pregnant or something. it's up there. sometimes i get so freaked out that i am going to mess this up. i hope i don't. i pray and pray that i don't. that and i pray that i don't lose my sanity or anything.
other than all that pharmacy craziness.. i guess the first week of school was pretty good. i was a little sad i haven't really seen a lot of people i know [maybe because i have been stuck in my bermuda triangle of arc-hill-pharm buildings lol] but it was kind of nice that so many people come up to me and ask me mad questions like 'where are the grease trucks' or 'where is the pharmacy building' and i feel all special cuz i know where that stuff is. oh man, i am really old huh! i wonder what it is that makes me look so official that people ask me mad stuff like that. maybe i have that look of confidence with my jansport backpack and shit! hahaha. plus, i still work at the computer lab, it is much fun .. but now it is really getting hectic because there are so many people in the lab [like 50% already is pharm heads printing out all our shit] and some people are dumb and they think they can get in when we already say "hi you need ID." ah derrr! i hope that i can handle work and school too together .. it was a little fuzzy when i was hungry and i said something about a fudgy burrito and the other consultants thought that i was a nut. but it is still fun to sit around in the consultant station .. CCF are cool peoples. and it is nice to have money coming in and i don't have to sell my soul though clothing because some mean lady is forcing me to stay and dedicate my life to pants and ugly shirts for 30 something peeps. though, maybe one day they will make a fudgy burrito like they make choco tacos. mmmm .. oh yeah, i want some rita's italian ice before they close for the summer!
well, i guess i cannot complain about my life right about now. even though i am freaking about pharmacy during the first week of school, i cannot say that my life sucks, because so many people want to be in what i am in. and plus i have this boyfriend who is like, studious. like what the hell, he makes me look bad. lol. i thought i would never find a guy who would actually call me and tell me to study and ask me how i am doing. sometimes i think it is too good to be true and especially that i am very lucky to have such a smart dude .. even though he is really dorky at times .. joke! i still love him and all that shit. =) yay for you charles! YAY FOR YOU! =P heh, okay, time for me to go copy some notes. or maybe watch tv! LOL, so much for my new and improved study schedule .. nyahaha. catch you on the flip side!

ps. does anyone else notice how scary facebook got? it is actually funny because here i am complaining about its stalker-ish ness and yet i am feeding into my inner voyeurism by writing in my online blog about my innermost thoughts. how strange .. how strange

<3 to:
bestfriend jackie; hehehehe! that gummy snake was the best. i miss you lots and i hope school and the desert is treating you well. come back soon again so we can have even more adventures. =)
joe aka jopapa; ehehehe. yeah, that gummy snake was crazy. too bad they don't sell them up around here i would so get you one.
gillian; HAHAHA .. you are a funny lady. you and your bahama mama and laughing and the pictures. ^_^

get loose -- do the magic robot

2006-08-24T21:46:00.000-04:00

wow, so i've actually been putting off writing in my blog -- i was going to do it yesterday, and then i was going to do it this morning, but in the end, since i don't really feel like watching anything on tv, and since summer is coming to a close, and since i've been doing a lot of thinking .. yeah, now is a pretty good time to be writing up everything that's been going on in my life. less than a week ago my best friend in the universe jackie came over from arizona to visit me and come and play in the tri-state area. oh man, it was way way way too much fun.. she only stayed a week-ish and we went everywhere. we went to rutgers, point pleasant, menlo, woodbridge, the city 2 days in a row [AND we didn't get lost walking around by ourselves on friday!!] and we went to atlantic city too. now that we're older we're able to go more places and do more exciting things than when she first came.. even though when she first came back after 5 years we still had a bomb ass time doing absolutely nothing in edison. when she was here, it was like going on a second vacation! YES! =) even though i live in the tri-state area i rarely have the opportunity to go up to the city and act like a tourist. heck, i've never even been to the empire state building or the statue of liberty. yeah, i know, i'm lame. i swear, she is one of the most awesome-est people ever. i don't know if there is any other person that i could cruise down the street with blasting benny benassi and doing the magic robot with. or any other person who could help me grow and be more fashion forward. ahhhh, i miss her bunches; i can't wait for part 3 of our amazing adventures. and hopefully, maybe, just maybe -- one day, i'll be able to go out there to the desert to have some more fun and crazy adventures. when i look at us, as the years go by i see how different we are -- but i think that's what makes our friendship the best. i learn so much from her and i don't know if anyone understands my way of thinking like she does. anyways, enough of this mushy-ing around, here are some interesting moments in our adventures told in -- day-to-day random moments. with picture form! YAY!

shopping at target is awesome! and so is eating white castle mmmmmm. i heart tshirt dresses and mad sushi from u-yees.

"are you stalking me?"
"your mans'friend said you looked nice!"

nothing beats getting bodyslammed by the new jersey shore with my best friend.

"are you ready! i didn't come here just to look at it!"
[runs to the water]
woooosh!

later that night while hanging out with brian and mary:
"hey, can we pick up a jew?"
also, doing the magic robot down 27. yes!

image shots are such a throwback. plus, my bestfriend did lots of damage at woodbridge. thanks to gian for being a great personal shopper aka bag holder. ^_^

new york is beautiful this time of year

jackie loves shopao and when we took the shopaos home from chinatown it could have been like;
"gie, where's the shopao?"
jackie goes, glurp! :does glurping hand motion:
"mom, jackie ate all of them."
hehe, joke! =) it didn't really happen.

soho and noho and chinatown are wonderful. and so is the subway!
and h&m with the peer pressure to buy stuffs. "do it!"
and my utility belt aka cell phone which i accidentally kind of scratched! :sadness:
and my boyfriend and his manpurse .. nyahaha `;D he is the best-est. he went with us around to the beachy and to the city. awwww how sweet. =)
"he doesn't want to sit next to you tita!"

my 2 favorite commuters-for-the-day

the gug was amazing

and so was not getting lost .. we so know how to get around by ourselves .. hehehe

that gummy snake was bigger than her face

ah yes, the beauty of atlantic city ^_^

oh man, i love the disney sponsored anime movie howl's moving castle.
i love sophie
and i love the turnip head! oh man! i love the turnip head.

and then jackie left on sunday morning and there was chaos at the airport! oh man! and with her departure from dirty jersey, it was like my summer was coming to a close. i can't believe how fast my summer went -- even though going to school during your vacation kind of takes away the purpose of it, i'm glad it gave me something to do. i really felt like i learned a whole lot this summer .. moreso than i did last year .. and when i turn 20, i can definitely say that it'll feel a lot different than when i turned 19. as i come to the end of my 20th year of life and come to the close of 2 decades gone by, i think it'll be a turning point for me. already, at the end of this summer, i feel a whole lot different than i did last year. probably because so much has happened for me in such a short amount of time. sure, i should credit it much to the arrival of something called a "boyfriend" .. because i never thought i would be involved in a relationship during my college career, especially one who shared such random qualities with my ex. one time in my life, back when i was trying to get over my ex-boyfriend, and before i got to college, i wished that i could find someone who was kind of like my ex, except 100 times better. and i think i found that in charles. okaaayyy, i know you think i'm getting all mushy on you. so the main point is, that i finally realize that change in me. i hope it's for the better rather than the worse, but i know a change definitely happened this summer. i sure will miss my lazy days and lack of stress .. school is coming and i know it's coming with a vengeance. just like my acne .. ahhhhhh, someone get me some cream or something. lol. my skin has been pretty bad lately .. i think it's because it's summer .. but only time can tell about that one. or maybe, it's hormones. you know what causes hormones ..

imbalances in people's systems! =P

anyways, that is the end of my entry! i wish i had more to say, but nothing that is too serious or really substantial .. lol

go and do the magic robot yeah boy!

<3 to my best friend jackie for being the only one to give me a shoutout! she is the best!

meet me at the altar in your white dress

2006-08-13T11:46:00.000-04:00

so after months of planning, trying on dresses, seeing some naaaaked men, and a family meeting 2 days before the big day .. kuya jeff and celeste are happily married. =) can i get an "awwwww." lol. at first, i didn't expect them to get married yet -- after all, ate got married after 30, and then i always had this feeling that jenn would be next in line .. but hey, when you feel ready, you feel ready -- and maybe this was their moment to do the damn thing. i didn't know that celeste was kuya jeff's only real girlfriend .. awww, can i get another awwww? haha. the wedding turned out to be pretty fun -- at first, i hated my dress for 3 months because it looked like a disaster on me, but after a drastic alteration, it wasn't so bad. me and mary even ended up not changing during the reception. anyways, everytime i go to a wedding, i think about how i would do my own wedding .. when it would happen, who it would be, how big it would end up getting, and all the necessary [and some, unecessary] details that i have to look out for. when the going gets tough, i always think like .. man, i just want a really, really simple wedding. heck, i just want to elope with my fiancee in las vegas and tell, in essence, no one that we got married. but knowing my family, i'll probably be biting my words when i say i'm eloping, because everyone in my family -- from my cousins, to my aunts and uncles, to of course, my mom and dad -- wants to get involved in planning my wedding the way they all think i should want it to be. and sometimes, yeah, they're right -- but hey, it's my big day, not yours. lol. for one thing, i plan on walking down the aisle in kicks. seriously. yeah, i know i could be rockin some kick ass jimmy choos or something under my gown -- but i want to walk down that wedding aisle in my best pair of retro nikes ever. my fiancee/future husband -- he can wear patent leather shiny shoes for all i care. but i want to wear sneakers. for one thing -- i believe in comfort. high heels are not the most comfortable shoes to be walking around in. and number 2, i thought about it, and it's something symbolic for me too. like, your wedding day is the first day of a long journey called forever that you're gonna be on with this guy. it's gonna be long, and difficult at times .. so it would be good to have comfy walking shoes to wear while you walk on this endless and wonderful journey. no? :) and plus, i just love sneakers, duh. =) anyways, i hope people don't make a big fuss and be like -- blah blah blah, that's not very ladylike. yeah, well i don't care because it's my wedding. and i could feel the endless criticism coming from my family during the course .. but really, hey. it's not your big day. leave them alone. but who cares .. i have yet to see what stuff people shall say when it's my turn. =T but anyways, weddings are fun! me and mary accidentally missed picture time to go to cocktail hour.. we didn't have a ride to the manor so we rode with ate and ate all the hors d` ouvres we wanted.. good we did, it was the best-est food of the whole night. that and dessert .. how yummy! =) i just heart all the love/romance-y stuff. yeah, i know, maybe i'm just a little too young to be thinking about marriage. but hey -- i'm not getting any younger. lol. i don't really know when the next wedding will be in my line of atienza cousins .. my 2 older cousins have yet to find martial prospects and jenn wants to get married when she's 30. [good timing, i'll be out of pharmacy school! ^_^] so, i guess this is the end-ish of the wedding extravaganza that i've been in for the past couple of years. gee, everyone likes to get married around me. hahahaha .. and once in a while, i like to think of which of my friends would get married first. kind of hard to make a prediction, since we're all so career focused .. and at one point, there was no hope of finding a prospect. lol. but soon enough, it'll be that time of our generation for us to get married. oh man, all this future stuff is scary sometimes because i forget to realize just where in my life i am. it still strikes me that i'm in college and i have to grow up. ah, growing up. why does it have to be so difficult? lol. i still don't know how to do it. but anyways, i think this is the end of my entry for today. my best friend in the entire universe is coming tonight and it's time for part 2 of angelica and jackie's super adventures! =) hehe. so i'll catch you all on the flip side kids!

<3 to:
christine aka the homie; awwww homie! i'm glad you like your pasalubong because when i saw it, i totally thought of you. =)
bestfriend jackie [2for2]; OMG YES! IM SO PSYCHED. weeeeeee! and yes .. hehe, i am an airport / trolley whore. and now i get to pick you up from the airport. YAY!

a little less conversation, a little more action please

2006-08-01T13:00:00.000-04:00

viva las vegas! =) so here i am, back from vacation in the land of pimps and hos, sin city itself -- las vegas! lol, to be honest [then again, i'm only 19 so i couldn't really do a lot of the big kid stuff hahaha] sin city isn't really sinful. with the exception of gluttony, jealousy, greed, and maybe anger -- you can't really commit lust or something because #1; prostitution is illegal in clark county [where las vegas is located] and #2; of course -- you have to be 21 to gamble/go clubbing/eat in the lounges/etc etc. but it's okay -- i heart the arcades [where i wasted money on driving games] and the shoppings, where i burned money on food and souvenirs and a pair of sneakes that i wanted to come home with on the plane. [then i arrived in jersey and found out they were selling them tax free at kids footlocker in menlo. =T but who cares they are still t-i-g-h-t. yessir!] but i'm glad to be back home.. in my house, with my stuff, and my family, and friends, and of course, with this boyfriend guy once again living in another town 15 mins away. i still feel kind of out of whack from the vacation because i feel so tired. but it was fun -- i'm a loser, my favorite part was riding in the airplane and going to the airport. i love it! i can't wait to do it again. hmmm .. i wonder where my next destination will be. i say, los angeles. or, miami. or, arizona to visit my best friend in the universe. or even, philippines, because there's some shindig that my family is planning on attending. whoa now! so anyways, i don't know how best to explain my vacation so i will use one of my favorite methods of telling the story -- picture form! =) click to enlarge!

pink dog in our hotel the grandview at las vegas. we were plugging it when we saw their stands in the strip. ehehehe

the strip during the day. taken through the protective glass of the pedestrian walkway haha

mandalay bay!

the trolley we had to take everyday to get to the strip. we were such trolley whores that the trolley drivers even remembered who we were. they were so funny too.
"have a trolley of a day!"
"DO NOT leave children on my bus! my wife is not going to like that especially if they the wrong color."
"this girl is like my first ex-wife. petite and sweet, just like a bullet."
shoutouts to reggie and ernesto; the best trolley drivers ever. hehe

cirque du soleil was awesome. i saw O, so i don't ttink they wore masks because everyone had to know how to swim for the show.. but this mask was still fun. hehe. it was so cool, try to check it out if you ever go to vegas!

ah yes, the pool. working on my amazing light tan. and i didn't get burned! thanks to SPF 30 sunblock all day every day ^_^

we actually saw a family that really got married in las vegas and we asked them if we could take pics with them .. i forgot to get their names but they were really gracious to pose with us! =)

boredom at the airport leads to flying action pics!

ate mercy told us to go to the grand canyon but we were too lazy. it's okay, because i got a better view for free when i rode in the plane going home. =)

and that was my vacation in a nutshell -- i still have 200 pics to upload to webshots.. i have some up now if you wanna look -- check it out! =)

well anyways, that's just about what's been going on in my life this summer. went back to work the monday i came back -- i was a little tired, but i gotta make that paper. hehe. kuya jeff and celeste's wedding is coming up in a week-ish .. i get to wear my [sarcasm] most favorite dress in the world. =T eh, whatevs. then school starts .. oh man! can you say, third year! what! holy smokes kids. better enjoy this nothingness while i still can. hopefully, i can go to the beach someday before summer is over. or maybe atlantic city .. more family togetherness. i am glad i got to spend some quality time with the fam-jams because this past summer it's been like i haven't been able to see them that much because i am working or out with charles or my other friends. it makes me sad .. even though i didn't do anything last summer, at least i got to spend lots of quality time with my family. so today, i think i'm gonna spend some more time with my godkids .. joy joy! =) ummmm .. i think i don't have much to say again. so i guess it's time to wrap up this entry! i would have had some other stuff to say, but the awkwardness is gone -- and let's leave it at that. til next time kids .. see you on the flip side! take care in the heat! it's like 100 degrees! i just came back from hot and i come home to hot. but that's okay because i'm ready! bring it on mother nature! lol. peeeeease !

<3 to:
bestfriend jackie; oh yes! mmmm chicken! ahahahahahha ..
christine aka the homie; hehe anytime! vegas was fun =) thanks for my bonvoyage call! i love you too homie!
marielle; i miss you too! i was reading some trashy mags in the airport too! hehe. i heart the airport!
star; hello! long time no see! how was your trip out of country? i hope it was well. hehe yes, i've been having a good time this summer! take care and thanks for visiting!
sam aka supersam; hehehe! yes! gluttony was definitely the top sin. LOL!
nicole; hey nicole! awww thanks =) yeah, it was pretty crazy before with my mom .. i think things are still really weird, but they've gotten a little better. have fun at st. john's! i'm not sure if i can come friday.. [me and mary have to fulfill our duties as bridesmaids lol] but if not, have fun for me and i hope i see you again before you leave for big bad college! =)